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seasparrow
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: May 31, 2007
Posts: 64
Location: Bristol, UK
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 Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2007 4:21 pm Post subject: Loving family |
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I have my nieces stay with me sometimes. They love hugging and say I love you a lot. I hug back and say I love you as well... but I don't feel any love for them. (I fell this even about my mother and other people family members)
I do love them of course but I don't seem to have any feelings that I can say is love or not.
Sometimes, when they come at short notice I don't want to spend time with them. Its like I have not got my 'play with the kids' head on and it takes me a while to adjust my brain to accommodate them.
I have never understood Love or how NT's seem to talk about it and I always feel left out because I have no idea what they are on about when talking about love.
I have loved in the past because I can physically 'feel' something inside of me that I assume is love. This feeling has been for people (not family) that I really care about more than any other person but I can actually feel something inside me that is different.
But in my experience, all those I have loved... have left me. I am not bitter about this but it tells me that I have no idea what this emotion called love really is. I either enjoy the company of someone or I don't. I can not understand why a person who says they love me can leave me. I have never left anyone I have loved, they have always left me.
I can crave love and despise it at the same time, but I just don't know what it is I am craving or despising.
I am still far from understanding this and will probably never understand it.
I don't know what I'm missing but I miss it terribly.
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Vegasadelphia
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 27, 2006
Posts: 580
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| Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2007 4:23 pm Post subject: |
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| Same thing for me. When my cousins are around, I don't feel emotion for them, just feel that I know them, no real connection. |
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Age1600
Bonita-Azul
Joined: Apr 23, 2007
Age: 23
Posts: 2055
Location: New Jersey
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| Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2007 4:37 pm Post subject: |
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| Yea I feel what your feeling. I don't get any kind of feeling for anybody, its like I know I have to have some sort of loving feeling, but its just not there ever! I can't give any types of hugs at all it weirds me out. If people give me hugs I like back up and try to get out of it. I told my boyfriend the only way I'll tolerate any kind of hugs is if you give me bear hugs, I don't know why but I just love bear hugs! |
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Esperanza
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 11, 2007
Posts: 885
Location: Karazhan
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| Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2007 5:37 pm Post subject: |
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MMM I love bear hugs too! Something about the pressure.
Sometimes people say they love you just because they feel they're expected to love you, or because it sounds good and/or they think it will make you care about them more. Maybe these kids are just... you know, saying it. So you just say it back and smile (if you can manage that; I'm personally not very good at that part). It's basically meaningless- a confirmation that you're family and you are expected to care about each other's welfare or, at least, take care of each other even if the feeling isn't there.
As for the people you've loved leaving you, maybe they left because they didn't feel you loved them back, even if you did. We aspies are known for having difficulty showing love, and that can be hurtful to the people we really do love. |
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seasparrow
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: May 31, 2007
Posts: 64
Location: Bristol, UK
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| Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2007 6:23 pm Post subject: |
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I could only handle bear hugs once upon a time (eventually as I also never liked them and ran away from them), but I grew to love hugs from certain people.
And to those that left me... they would make their needs known to me, I would give exactly what they asked for, but it never seemed to be enough for them. I would say 'but you wanted me to be/do/say this'. I got confused when it appeared that I have followed thier instructions wrongly (which of course, I know did not), they got angry, I got more confused, they got more angry... and the rest is history.
I guess it would of helped knowing that I had AS and those close to me having an understanding of that. But this is all new to me and I've yet to try it out on people that I am close to now... even more so for my 1st relationship.
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ZanneMarie
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 28, 2007
Posts: 2302
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| Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2007 6:41 pm Post subject: |
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It wasn't what they said to you, it was what they didn't say. They give each other looks and have body postures all the time that communicate things to the other person like I want to be held, I want to be kissed, I want you to notice my new dress, etc. You weren't getting any of that but they didn't understand that you didn't get it and thought you were just ignoring them. To them that equates to not loving them.
I didn't love my husband for the first three years I knew him (for two of those we were married). That usually weirds people out when they hear that, but it's true. I didn't love anyone up to that point because I didn't get the whole love idea. I didn't understand what they felt or why they felt it. I thought it was all made up to be perfectly honest. I have no idea how that happened to me, all I know is that I was standing on our balcony one day and realized out of the blue that I really did love him. By that I mean that I actually cared about him, whether he was happy, whether he was safe, whether he was alive, etc. Before that I felt comfortable with him, I liked being with him because he calmed me, I loved to talk to him about different subjects because he was so intelligent and interested in things I found interesting, etc. It was all practical on my side until that day.
After that I also realized I loved my brothers and my father. I had three friends I loved. I had some cousins, aunts and uncles I loved (most are just people I'm related to though). It was easier for me after I realized I loved him. I guess it just changed something for me. I couldn't explain it to you or anyone else though. Suffice it to say that I know exactly how you feel and one day it may change. I hope when it does you find someone like I did who would understand and appreciate your brain and not play games but just tell you what they want.
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People say I'm crazy
doing what I'm doing,
Well they give me all kinds of warnings
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seasparrow
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: May 31, 2007
Posts: 64
Location: Bristol, UK
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| Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2007 6:59 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks ZanneMarie, that makes a lot of sense.
Have you also noticed that we always get accused of playing (mind) games by NT's... and we didn't even know it was a sport!
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ZanneMarie
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 28, 2007
Posts: 2302
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| Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2007 7:18 pm Post subject: |
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Yes. It's because we aren't picking up those non-verbal things. Remember that at least 80% of their communication is non-verbal, so they just assume you get it as well. When you don't and you don't respond as they think you should, they think you are messing with them or being arrogant or being rude. They just don't understand that you don't even see it. It really helps if you know that. I have to tell them all that time that I really am that dense. Intellectually I'm not that dense, but if I don't say it like that, I can never get out of them what's really going on and I'm too impatient to wait around. It's always been easier for me to use something they can relate to and I didn't know about AS until this year.
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People say I'm crazy
doing what I'm doing,
Well they give me all kinds of warnings
to save me from ruin |
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seasparrow
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: May 31, 2007
Posts: 64
Location: Bristol, UK
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| Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2007 7:46 pm Post subject: |
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So true.
In my last relationship I was often accused of playing mind games. I got so confused and would say 'I have no idea why you are saying that'. This made them just think I was being blatantly cruel to them (which I was not).
When I started to become aware that I may have AS I shared this with them and tried to explain why I am the way I am. But for some unknown reason this made them even more angry. They could not accept that there was a reason for me being like I am. Even when I said 'what if I get a formal diagnosis'? (I am still undiagnosed, but thats just a formality) I was told that because I am so good at playing these mind games I would be able to 'trick' the psychologist!!!!
Regardless to say, we don't speak and are not even friends now!
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anarkhos
Toucan
Joined: Nov 30, 2005
Posts: 279
Location: Vancouver / Portland area
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| Posted: Sun Jun 17, 2007 2:59 am Post subject: |
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I only felt reciprocal love once, years ago, and it has haunted me ever since.
Perhaps better to not know what one is missing. |
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