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SummerAurora
Emu Egg
Joined: Apr 30, 2007
Posts: 1
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 Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2007 3:38 pm Post subject: Teaching an aspie child self defense |
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Hi, I am a single parent of an 8 year old aspie son and a NT 11 year old daughter. I have aspie tendencies but was never formally diagnosed. We are all in karate. My son HATES it. I tell him it is important to know how to defend himself (and martial arts teaches so much more, like self respect, etc.). He wants to do the flippy extreme stuff, but hates to spar or do any other martial arts related karate.
I have noticed that when he gets upset, he reacts physically (but not with the lethal karate things he has learned). He doesn't seem to relate karate and what he is learning with self defense. I have also noticed that he uses extreme force when only minor force would be needed (we have rescue dogs and our own; sometimes one brushes against him and he strikes the dog without thinking, it seems). He says sorry but I am concerned that he may not be able to delineate a minor to a major threat. If he did learn to use what he has learned in karate class as self defense, would he be able to determine the threat level (as opposed to his overstimuation level)?
Just so you know: I love this child and would not change him. Being an aspie is a part of him and I love him just as he is. He is so smart and incredible. I just want to help him navigate the NT world (with bullies and all) and come out happy with who he is!
He loves chemistry, geology, natural science, paleontology, geography, astonomy, and more (he is standing here listing them to me!!!).
Thanks for your input and I am excited to finally get other perspectives!
Kir  |
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AegNuddel
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jan 12, 2006
Posts: 140
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| Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2007 9:05 am Post subject: |
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Not a parent (or married) YET, but still an adult, and well, this would seem to be a good place to say this.
1) Being diagnosed younger. (Not until I was 22!)
2) Mom admitting there was something "different" about me (and paying attention to the neighbors!)
3) No visual math class in 7th grade that f%$%ed up my math skills so badly. LET ME USE WHAT I HAVE ALREADY BEEN TAUGHT!
4) Actually being put into a few social activities as I did not pursue them.
5) Being told more about hygiene - I just didn't "get" it. |
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eDad
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Apr 12, 2007
Posts: 33
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| Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 11:11 am Post subject: |
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Thank you so much for this thread!
My son was diagnosed when he was 9. He's 12 now.
Looking back, here are some of the things I did terribly wrong:
1. Enroll him in soccer. I asked the psychologist who diagnosed him if this is a good idea. He said soccer is good because a kid with lesser ability can still participate. How wrong we were! Not only it severely hurt his self esteem being yelled by all the coaches, but his fellow teammates turned on him. To this date, some of the worst bullies he ran into in school came from the soccer teams, kids who knew that he would be an easy target to pick on. He did make one friend from the soccer team, but they are not that close.
2. Tell him to drop his obsession with dinosaur when he was 5. I had thought it was a cute obsession, unfortunately, when he got stressed out as a young child, he would blur out the names of various dinosaurs as a way to distract himself. I freaked out and reprimanded him for his obsession. It was awfully cruel of me!
3. Assume he should be "age appropriate" in everything. I was dismayed constantly when he didn't know how to do certain "simple" things -- like brushing teeth or washing hands properly. "No, you first wet your hand, then put the soap on! What's the matter with you!" Instead, I could have shown him the proper ways of doing things patiently. What's the big deal if he couldn't wash hands. He would have learned quickly if I showed him.
4. Not shielding him from parties and PE classes. My son invariably broke down in every party he went to when he was young. I just assumed that he wanted to be difficult. And it's a nightmare with PE classes. Finally this year, we told the school to allow him to join a walking club during PE classes.
5. Insist on him to play with neighborhood kids just because that's what other kids are doing. It's so hard when it's a nice day and all the kids in the neighborhood were playing together, my son was just sitting inside. I wanted him to fit in. Instead, I humiliated him to forcing him to join the "gang" of kids who do not like him.
Today, I've a better understanding on how to be a better parent to my son.
I know to:
1) Be an advocate for him. Many things in life do not come naturally to a kid with AS. I learned to stand up to parents and school officials who want to place blames on him at all times. I help him deal with difficulties in classrooms by "pestering" all his teachers with special requests to accommodate him.
2) Enroll him in summer camps that are suitable for him. There are a world of different summer camps out there. Some of them are nightmares to kids with AS. They are full of rude kids and rough staffs who yell at kids to keep order. Two years ago, I found this summer camp that has a nurturing staff, smaller group sizes and kids from all over the world (it's amazing how nice most kids are once they are in a foreign country with a culturally-mixed group!). My son latched on this camp. He loved it so much he'd stay at the camp from morning till 9 o'clock in the evening (it's a partially residential camp, therefore, closing time is late). I've never seen him happier in his life, EVERY DAY of the summer. He's going back to the camp this year. I had hesitated before I sent him to this camp two years ago because it was awfully expensive, but today, I would be glad to go into debt to pay for his camp. There's no price on happiness in life, especially to a child who has suffered so much already.
3) Enroll him in physical activities that he can enjoy. There are many non-competitive and socially-unintensive physical activities like golf, tennis, etc. I signed him up for gymnastics, and it was a blast! Who would have thought tumbling on a matt and exercising on high bars are so much fun for an Aspie. Best of all, there is no peer pressure, no competition but himself. He's loving it. And the kicker: lots of girls and few boys:)
4) Encourage his interests. He loves drawing cartoons and I introduced him to Miyazaki movies and Manga books. He knows his talent is appreciated by me as well as others in the school. He had one of his cartoons published recently in the students' paper.
5) Enroll him in suitable social activities. Certain activities attract more civil kids. I encouraged him to join the school drama club. Although he has no talent in acting, he enjoyed the participation and did very well for himself.
6) Teach him dancing. NT boys can pick up girls even if they don't dance, but it will be more difficult for an aspie kid. But with a good dancing skill, my son will at least have a chance to meet some girls and hopefully have a good time with them. I know how much girls appreciate a gentlemanly boy who can dance.
I'm sure there are much more I can do for him. I'm learning every day with my son to discover himself.
eDad |
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Nan
Phoenix
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Joined: Mar 02, 2006
Posts: 3165
Location: left coast
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| Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2007 3:53 pm Post subject: |
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oops, duplicate post!
_________________
Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: When comes the revolution, things will be different - not better, just different.
Last edited by Nan on Tue Jun 19, 2007 3:54 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Nan
Phoenix
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Joined: Mar 02, 2006
Posts: 3165
Location: left coast
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| Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2007 3:53 pm Post subject: |
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| pbcoll wrote: | | About what people have been psoting about making/not making an Aspie kid go to summer camps, etc: From my experience, looking back I would say the best policy is making aspie kids join camps/clubs etc only when they have some interest in the activity or are genuinely willing to try it (at least willing to try it instead of other possible activities), rather than forcing them into something they have no interest in. my parents got me into a hiking club when i was a teen, (an activity i was genuinely willing to try) and in my early teens i went to a summer camp i had a mild interest in going to. they were both enjoyable and positive experiences. i was also made as a child to go to acting lessons to see if i liked it and i hated every minute of it, and it did nothing for my social skills (or acting skills!). likewise for dancing lessons i also ha dno interest in. in all cases they were trying to do what was best for me, it's not that they wanted me to be an actor or anything, it was just a mistake. |
I was sent to half-day summer "recreation" programs every year, which were basically day camps full of strange kids I didn't know. It was absolute hell. I got sick in the bathroom almost every day as soon as I got there, but knew if I told the counselors I'd be sent home and then my folks would give me hell for "wasting their money." I didn't ask to go to that place, hated it, but they sent me every year. I hated summers, because of that.
If I'd been sent somewhere else, if they'd wanted so badly to get me out of the house, it might have worked. I loved horses. I loved bunnies. Basically, if it was an animal, I loved it. If they'd have sent me to some horse camp or something, where there was something I cared about.... But no, I got sent to "let's make lanyards out of string" (great for the fumble-fingered) and "let's play team sports" (also great for the last-to-be-picked and coordinationally-challenged) with a bunch of people I didn't know and whose faces I forgot and had to relearn when I got there every day.
I had to send my daughter to summer day camp at the Y because I had to work for a living when she was young. I felt so awful for her - she hated it. She really, really hated it. But it's all I could afford and there wasn't another option.
_________________
Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: When comes the revolution, things will be different - not better, just different.
Last edited by Nan on Wed Jun 20, 2007 10:41 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Nan
Phoenix
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Joined: Mar 02, 2006
Posts: 3165
Location: left coast
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| Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2007 4:00 pm Post subject: |
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| AegNuddel wrote: | Not a parent (or married) YET, but still an adult, and well, this would seem to be a good place to say this.
1) Being diagnosed younger. (Not until I was 22!)
2) Mom admitting there was something "different" about me (and paying attention to the neighbors!)
3) No visual math class in 7th grade that f%$%ed up my math skills so badly. LET ME USE WHAT I HAVE ALREADY BEEN TAUGHT!
4) Actually being put into a few social activities as I did not pursue them.
5) Being told more about hygiene - I just didn't "get" it. |
Oh, yeah. Number five.
Sigh. The class "talks" about how we all should take a shower and wash every day. I never quite got that they were aimed at me, until one of the teachers pulled me aside and asked why my clothes smelled so bad every day. It was: Partly because mom only did laundry once a week and we lived in the desert. Partly because I was taught as a kid to bathe on Saturday nights. And partly because nobody cared the one time I went three months without a bath (I was checking to see how long I could go before anything happened) until the other kids in the class complained to the teacher, who pulled me aside and said that if I didn't take a bath that night she was going to take me down to the gym and I'd have to use the showers in the dressing room.
I still have to stop and think, hmmm, how many days has it been now? Haven't had a shower since when? Should go shower. People will be bothered. Can't really do much more than hose off daily- causes a skin condition, but I do stay clean. It's just not an automatic thing to think of it. Plus, I find the smells of shampoo and deodorant and whatever else folks spritz on themselves so often to be pretty icky, when in a crowd. Don't have any problem at all with the smell of a human body - except one that hasn't bathed in so long fungus or something is growing on 'em. 
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Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: When comes the revolution, things will be different - not better, just different. |
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Pandora
Cat Lady
Joined: Jun 18, 2005
Age: 47
Posts: 4684
Location: Townsville
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2007 6:23 am Post subject: |
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I wish my mum hadn't been afraid to tell me some things about herself. She shielded me from some things because she thought I wouldn't have been able to cope but I would have been okay with them and would have realised I wasn't the only one who lacked self-confidence as a teen, was picked on by bullies and was expected to act older than I was.
I also wish instead of being told "no" that the reason was explained. Sometimes "no" or "don't" seemed to act as a challenge rather than a deterrent.
I wish I was put in a gifted child programme and not forced to play sport.
Also, I wish I was believed when I said things instead of the adult always being seen as correct.
I wish I wasn't scared of my dad.
_________________
Break out you Western girls,
Someday soon you're gonna rule the world.
Break out you Western girls,
Hold your heads up high.
"Western Girls" - Dragon
I am banned  |
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CockneyRebel
Sid The Love Rat is a Sweet Pea :O)
Joined: Jul 18, 2004
Age: 34
Posts: 21115
Location: Out in the evening, with me two best Rat Mates :O)
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| Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2007 6:18 am Post subject: |
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I think that being put in Regular Education with an aide would have helped me. I would have recieved the challenges and stimulation that my brain so badly needed.
I wish that I would have been allowed to cry. That my parents didn't tell me that I was crying for no reason and that they were going to spank me, and give me a reason to cry. I also wish that I wasn't sent to my bedroom for crying. It led me to think that only the Mentally Challenge cried, after I was out of college, for a while. Babies and people who are worse off, than me. I know that isn't the case, now.
I also wish that I wasn't yelled at, every time that I had an accident in my underwear. Thy happened occasionally from the time that I was being trained, until I was six. I also wish that I was left to clean up my own messes, instead of having either of my parents yelling and saying nasty things to me, as they were cleaning me up. If they were only accidents, than why was I treated like a dog, but without the spankings, in the first place? My parents didn't do me any favours. I was straning to keep clean, between the time that I've turned six, until last December - when my rectal nerves became very damaged to the point that I don't feel anything back there, anymore, but we all have our own set of problems in a variety of areas. |
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SilverProteus
The years, no doubt, have changed me.
Joined: Jul 21, 2007
Posts: 7154
Location: Fleet Street.
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| Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 3:48 pm Post subject: |
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I wish my parents acknowledged that I had a few problems with socializing due to autism and not a weak personality. During my teen years the biggest bullies I had to face were my own parents.
All's good now. My patience (sorta) with them paid off and now my mother is now very supportive. I guess it was the denial talking.
Would've made life much easier if they didn't have to go through that phase though, a lot of hurt and anger on both sides could've been avoided. |
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Triangular_Trees
What is right is sometimes found on the left.
Joined: Jul 18, 2007
Posts: 2053
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| Posted: Thu Aug 30, 2007 10:01 pm Post subject: |
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| It would have certainly helped to have never punished under the reason "You know what you did wrong." Seriously, why would I have done it if I knew it was wrong? and why the hell would I be asking what I had done if I knew what it was? |
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Aspie1
Overman
Joined: Mar 08, 2005
Posts: 2515
Location: United States
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| Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 12:51 am Post subject: |
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| Triangular_Trees wrote: | | It would have certainly helped to have never punished under the reason "You know what you did wrong." Seriously, why would I have done it if I knew it was wrong? and why the hell would I be asking what I had done if I knew what it was? |
Same here! My parents used to tell me all the time: "If you don't even know what you did wrong, then you should get more punishment. Just be thankful that all you're getting punished for are your actions." |
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Kilroy
Establishment knows whats best
Joined: Apr 25, 2007
Posts: 10413
Location: Driving the Last Spike
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| Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 11:46 am Post subject: |
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if my parents knew...
I had horrible problems with bullying and they obviously knew something was up
I hated them being involved with my school work I just wanted to be left alone
these days-even as they know-they don't care
my dad is the worst
he thinks I can be normal if I simply try harder
(my brother also thinks I should just "obsess less")
my mom is the only one who gets it
growing up was crappy-at school and home
I was constantly put down where ever I went (and its still like that)
I am 18 and am miserable all the time
I wish I could live on my own-but lack of funds and friends prevents it
I am very distant from my father especially-I will go days with not saying much of anything to him
I avoid him as he is an ass hole most of the time (all he cares about is his computer)
I have always been the black sheep of my family
never fitting in or being the son they wanted me to be-just a jumbled mess
I can tell they aren't too proud of me...mind you I haven't done anything for them to be proud of anyways.
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Hail Saltandor
supporter for the cure |
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Prudence
Deinonychus
Joined: May 08, 2007
Posts: 380
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| Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 7:09 pm Post subject: |
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| - To have been given the benefit of the doubt, even when I had no evidence to back myself up. Adults bullied me as a child. They underestimated me, they refused to believe my account of virtually any situation (which still makes no sense to me), and they basically viewed me in negative lights that I did not care for at all and lost my childhood trying to disprove. |
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mine_eyes
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Sep 21, 2007
Posts: 31
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| Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 6:41 pm Post subject: |
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it would've been good for me if my parents and teachers would've understood that i couldn't help it. i couldn't stop myself from daydreaming, i couldn't focus on math, i couldn't just run and play and understand how to be a part of the group, i couldn't "get involved" in sports and afterschool activities. i wish extra steps were taken in my education. i think i'd just have liked to have known that i really was different, and it wasn't just some kind of paranoia or self-esteem issue. if i would have known that, i wouldn't have thought i was such a failure at everything. everyone told me i was bright, but that i didn't apply myself. my teachers embarrassed me constantly, my peers thought i was crazy, and my parents never thought i was trying.
it would've helped if they knew i couldn't help it, and if they would've reassured me of that and helped me where needed, instead of fight me on it, it would've changed my life!
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(; !stnelat sselesu ni rof pu ekam I secarg laicos ni kcal I tahW |
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jaydog
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 30, 2007
Age: 28
Posts: 530
Location: california
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| Posted: Wed Sep 26, 2007 1:35 am Post subject: well |
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well looking back as an adult (27 with aspergers) i'v had a pretty good family that was supportive (was adopted at 4 yrs old) into a family that split up. i guess you can say even though i have 2 family sides) only one adoptive mom and dad. as my mom died when i was 4 who was diabetic.
anyway i completed high school in 2000 and then it pretty much just was to much for me when i started working in the grocery industry. about 4 yrs ago. problem with aspergers is that when i was in school 15 yrs old, there was no such thing as aspergers, and for me i believe anxiety,stress is a major factor of people with aspergers, as i had several family members die, and lost some good friends, and even almost lost my brother to drugs. i believe that people with aspergers usually has a severe side of anxiety, stress and most likely are diagnosed with anxiety disorder or PTSD before aspergers is diagnosed.
looking back here are the changes that need to be added in my opinion for people who have add,aspergers,anxiety disorders.
1. at school do not have group activities but like a full hour of study hall and complete quite in each class.
2. Do not have oral presentation requirements.
3. allow students to have water bottles and listen to music while studying.
4. more support in recognizing people who may be having problems at home or in school.
5. students need to stop harassing people, bullying needs to stop completely.
6. send your aspie children in the summer to summer camps, especially related to backpacking and or computer related fun such as games.
7. In my opinion do not take away or punish or ground your aspie child from the computer and or tv.
8. when they reach jr high,high school have them do internet online courses and or education games at home on a computer instead of going to public school<-very important, and suggest this to reduce them from anxiety and the constantly bulling. perhaps get manopoly and or scrabble the pc game/ etc. so they can learn math and spelling etc. |
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