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amcrazy
Tufted Titmouse
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Joined: Jun 09, 2005
Posts: 25
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 Posted: Sat Sep 10, 2005 12:46 am Post subject: Accepting your lot in life... |
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Today I just got rejected by someone whom I considered to be a friend. The words used were quite harsh, though I attribute it all to my failure to understand social protocol and to guage personal "space" appropriately.
The comments did "stir me up" so to speak. It caused some kind of discomfort inside my chest, and I think I'll call it a "negative" feeling (as opposed to positive feelings like joy etc). I can't give it a name - maybe it's disappointment, or anger, or loneliness. I do not know what it is - it actually feels more like a physical sensation than a emotion. I am still "calm" and collected, though I'm at a stage when I could just sit and "daydream" (or intensely meditate/think) or hours, to internally reflect of what has been said.
I did do that - but I only permitted myself 30 minutes or so of such indulgence - "normal" people would probably just brush the whole incident away and get back to whatever they were doing before, but then, I don't think I'm that "normal".
And this is the conclusion I reached: As we go through life we are forced to come to terms with many things. You learn to realise that some things are just not possible - that some things are just forever beyond your reach. Sometimes people die and "bad" things happen that we can't do anything about. Each one of us had to come to terms with these things.
I guess my problem is that I've never came to terms with being "different". I'm autistic - and I think I should just accept that and go to the things I'm good at. Those who aren't good at sports won't try to run a marathon - the illiterate do not try to write an epic novel. Some of us just aren't ept socially. Why try so hard and torment yourself? Sure we might want to be "normal" and have a wide circle of friends, just like we'll like to have a bazillion dollars and an olympic gold medal and a nobel prize. We all have things that are beyond our reach - and it's a gross misappropriation of resources to try to achieve the things which are to us especially difficult.
So there it is - I'm never gonna know what to say, or what to look at, or how to manoeuver through tight corners with any balance or dexterity. I'm only ever gonna make comments that I think are witty and get back a room of empty stares. A nod and a smile is perhaps all I could manage with some confidence - anything beyond that is an unnecessary risk/gamble.
No, I'm not saying all this because I'm upset - I'm not upset or angry - I'm being quite calm and reflective. Thanks for reading. Do not feel like you have to reply to this post - I am not in self-pity and I am not seeking sympathies or a pep talk. I'm not trying to be rude - but I'm anti-social, and that's just my lot in life. Please don't reply to say something just because you feel like you "have" to - I do not manipulate people.
I've given up - I'm not even gonna apologise for my rude ramble. |
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fasciculation_imitation
Tufted Titmouse
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Joined: Sep 08, 2005
Posts: 36
Location: Pennsylvania, USA
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| Posted: Sat Sep 10, 2005 2:14 am Post subject: yeah |
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I know what you mean.
I'm always going between thinking that "maybe I can do something about this!" to "I'm just a quiet person who will be lonely forever"
ehhh....the second one is depressing, but much more realistic...
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It was premeditated murder by bucket!
We are a nation of Indians ruled by Swedes |
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vetivert
gagged, but never silent
Joined: Sep 18, 2004
Posts: 5768
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| Posted: Sat Sep 10, 2005 2:26 am Post subject: Re: Accepting your lot in life... |
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| amcrazy wrote: | | As we go through life we are forced to come to terms with many things. You learn to realise that some things are just not possible - that some things are just forever beyond your reach. Sometimes people die and "bad" things happen that we can't do anything about. Each one of us had to come to terms with these things. |
yep, i agree.
i think the most important thing is to be realistic in assessing one's abilities, difficulties and limitations. i ain't ever going to be a famous artist, but i really should learn how to ride a bike one day  i am always going to find relationships difficult, but i'm not going to give up on trying.
having said which, i spent years and years trying to "sort myself out" - self analysis, therapy, all that stuff. now i can put myself within the framework of AS, it shows me where i am, and so where i can and can't get to. i just have to make sure it's "can't" rather than "won't", and that's where being realistic (and honest) comes into it.
interesting post, amcrazy. and i didn't find it rude at all. |
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spacemonkey
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 29, 2004
Posts: 622
Location: Atlanta, Ga
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| Posted: Sat Sep 10, 2005 12:14 pm Post subject: |
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Oh don't you just love it when people say "you can do anything you put your mind to"? 
And they say that we are naive. 
I thought your post was, thoughtful, and sincere.
The reason social difficulties are so uniquely challenging I think, is because so many people place such a high value on social relationships, as though this were the only thing that gives their life meaning.
There is much more to life. Just try not to let someone else's opinion of you undermine your sense of worth.
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"I was made to love magic, all its wonder to know, but you all lost that magic many many years ago."
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Sarcastic_Name
Don't look.
Joined: Mar 27, 2005
Age: 20
Posts: 3582
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| Posted: Sat Sep 10, 2005 12:41 pm Post subject: |
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I can see that most of us have come to this realization, but never the next step in self-descovery. I don't know about you all, but mu social ept-ness is what makes me such a fun person at times. You just have to learn how to humor people and socialization well seem almost pointless. Without knowledge or care of social rules, humor seems to be the next logical step. Maybe it's just me, but I can sometimes tap into an uninhibited self and be quite a blast when put in an acceptable situation for it; like theme parks and the like. When not in an acceptable situation, I let myself out in slight moderation and sometimes bursts. Now that you've realized you're not socially ept, you can try focusing on the factors of socialization that you're good in and improve them. That way, you'll at least be seemingly good at socializing in certain situations/settings.
Just thought I should say that. 
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danlo
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 12, 2005
Posts: 1069
Location: Western Australia
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| Posted: Sat Sep 10, 2005 1:13 pm Post subject: |
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I like this following quote from one of David Zindell's books:
"There are three phases of life more descriptive of the soul's inner journey than are childhood, maturity and old age: It can't happen to me; I can overcome it; I accept it."
We of the autistic-hood, seem to get to that third stage a lot quicker than most. But there is a difference between acceptance and affirmation. Sarcastic, while I get where you are coming from, I fear I must disagree. Once you're comfortable in yourself, you affirm all that is different about you, socializing by all the NT rules becomes pointless. The next step in self-realization, is that you don't have to act different. People that like themselves, are the easiest people to like.
I know this is kinda what you were talking about, Sarcastic, being able to laugh at your mistakes etc. But it also works the other way. You can be quiet, you don't have to speak. You just have to act yourself, whichever way you like to be. |
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amcrazy
Tufted Titmouse
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Joined: Jun 09, 2005
Posts: 25
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| Posted: Sat Sep 10, 2005 4:19 pm Post subject: |
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| spacemonkey wrote: | Oh don't you just love it when people say "you can do anything you put your mind to"?
And they say that we are naive. |
Exactly. It's so patronising.
| Quote: |
There is much more to life. Just try not to let someone else's opinion of you undermine your sense of worth. |
Now that I think of it, what really happened was not what she (ie the friend) said, but what it implied on me. It's like you study really hard for an exam, go in fairly confident that you've got it covered, and then coming out and getting a 0. That is the feeling. I do not really care what she (or other people) would think of me, though the message coming so suddenly and abruptly, without any signals (I probably just didn't recognise them) was shocking. I thought I was making progress and suddenly I'm back to square one all over again - especially since relationships are very hard to cultivate.
Of course I would like to live in a world where people are more like me, but that's not reality. NT's are the majority so I need to at least understand their rules in order to survive in their world. While I hate being in public with people all around me - I do need human contact otherwise I'll eventually lose it. However being in a situation with NT's just make me feel increasingly aware and uncomfortable of my "weirdness".
I don't even understand the limits and boundaries - let alone the rules of the game of their court. One may choose not to enter the game, but at the very least one ought to have a sense of the limits of tolerance (ie knowing what NOT to do). In every situation there seems to be a range of responses which are acceptable - and if you act/speak exceeding this range you've breached social norms/rules. My problem is I often misjudge the limits and either make a fool of myself or unintentionally offend a lot of people.
So I have to make it clear that whatever I say I mean no offence and that I'm not an offensive person. Not knowing whether or not I have crossed the line - I often apologise unnecessarily - giving an impression of a weak/needy personality. This means that I don't get much respect or esteem from people. (Maybe that's what contributes to the extra effort we put in to excel in our fields, so as to gain recognition and respect)
Now that the thoughts have settled a bit, I find that I actually harbour a lot of anger towards "normal" people, though I realise that they are not to blame. Makes me a bit passive agressive I guess.
So here's the dilemma:
1. We need human contact (I do, at least).
2. Can't get human contact until I learn the rules.
3. Rules are difficult to learn - complex, imprecise, inconsistent
4. Trying to learn to rules comes at great social cost - failure means being ostracised. (to lose the game before it has even started - disqualification?)
I do have a few "friends", though the list is gradually getting smaller.
Maybe I should spend that time and effort to try to learn to cope with loneliness instead? To learn to be able to hide in my cave for one week with no human contact, and to still remain sane, content, productive, nourished and clean? Is anyone here doing that?
Thanks for reading (and replying). I guess it's time to resume taking St John's Wort. |
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spacemonkey
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 29, 2004
Posts: 622
Location: Atlanta, Ga
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| Posted: Sat Sep 10, 2005 4:39 pm Post subject: |
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I only need human contact to a certain extent. A lot of times I fill this by simply going to the bookstore and sitting around reading for a while.
It can keep me feeling part of society, and it gives a good oportunity to observe people. Sometimes people will talk to me as well. I enjoy this a lot more than I used to as I see it as an opportunity to experiment now.
It's a good way to practice social skills without a lot of pressure.
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"I was made to love magic, all its wonder to know, but you all lost that magic many many years ago."
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Sophist
Professor of Pedantry
Joined: Apr 24, 2005
Posts: 6170
Location: St. Louie
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| Posted: Sun Sep 11, 2005 2:25 am Post subject: Re: Accepting your lot in life... |
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| vetivert wrote: | | i just have to make sure it's "can't" rather than "won't", and that's where being realistic (and honest) comes into it. |
How true. Too bad that line is so often hard to tell and so blurry between the two.
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