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Marilyn
Butterfly
Joined: Sep 06, 2007
Age: 28
Posts: 13
Location: LALALAND
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 Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 4:31 pm Post subject: Are relationships possible??? |
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Hi,
I'll make this short and to the point.
A few months ago I met a wonderful man/boy and we began a relationship. I found him very strange and unusual, but since that's my type i was intrigued. He has an amazing mind and we have great conversations. Recently though, the behaviour that i once found fascinating and harmless, is now making me question the liklihood of us having a healthy relationship. He mentioned randomly that he was autistic, but, because of the context in which he said it, I just didn't take it seriously.
Any thoughts?? |
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poopylungstuffing
doh-skoh-bee-doh
Joined: Mar 09, 2007
Age: 34
Posts: 6406
Location: Super Happy Fun Land, TX
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WatcherAzazel
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Sep 05, 2007
Posts: 47
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alexbeetle
Knight of the blackest black beetle
Joined: Mar 17, 2007
Posts: 1386
Location: beetle hole
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| Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 4:37 pm Post subject: |
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how many 'healthy' relationships are there in the world and can not us socially challenged people at least have a little bit of a relationship or should we just not be allowed to try because it will inevitably fail?
I have seen lately several websites advising on relationships that advocate the slightest personality defect should be seen as a red flag to run away from when forming relationships, is this a subtle form of eugenics that is occuring in society?
yes teh relationship will probably eventually fail as most do but is the positives enough for you to stick around for a bit? if not then runaway.
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Age1600
Bonita-Azul
Joined: Apr 23, 2007
Posts: 2358
Location: New Jersey
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| Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 4:58 pm Post subject: |
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| Yes relationships are possible, I didn't think that could happen either, I have HFA, and my boyfriend is all NT, I never ever thought I would be dating, especially not for almost 2 years. We've had so many problems with misunderstandings, and still do, but after explaining everything out to him, he understands more and more. His family were very uneasy about me dating him at first, because they were afraid it would be too much to handle dating a "disabled" person or "handicap" person, even though I don't see it as a disability or handicap. I don't suffer from autism at all, it is a bother at times, and hard to do things, but I defintely don't think I'm suffering or handicap, and I explained that to him, and thats one of the reasons hes still with me. |
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Marilyn
Butterfly
Joined: Sep 06, 2007
Age: 28
Posts: 13
Location: LALALAND
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| Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 5:34 pm Post subject: |
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I can give alot of specific examples of his behaviour, but what it comes down to is a consistant child like attitude to adult situations. I notice it more around high stress social situations, like when he met my friends and family. He just lacks this ability to communicate on a deeper level. He'll make random & inapropriate statements. In a recent visit to a friends house (where he had never been before) he just got up from our conversation and started going through all of her kitchen cabinets. Luckily my friend didn't mind, but i was just really confused over how I should respond . do I stop him? Do I just let him go at it? I don't want to be his mother, but if he really needs help interacting socially, I want to help him.
He also has a strong sensitivity to sound and touch. This occcasionaly becomes a problem in intimate situations.
The most serious problem that I have with him though is a lack of communication. I would easily be able to handle everything else if we could just talk about it, if he could try to make me understand where he's coming from, but it's like talking to a wall. That's the main reason i came to the site. I just really need some help communicating with him.
Just to clarify, i in no way confuse the term "healthy" relationship and "perfect" relationship with each other. I'm too much of a realist. I expect to have fights and conflict, I actually welcome them as a way to grow and learn about each other.
but when it's just one person wanting to talk and comunicate about said problem, you get an un-balanced and un-healthy situation. |
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richardbenson
loves mexican food
Joined: Oct 31, 2006
Posts: 10597
Location: my apartment in sunnyside
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| Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 5:42 pm Post subject: |
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i would just be patient with him, and if you really love him you wont want to change him. i really wouldnt worry about it too much unless his behaviour is breaking the law in public
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Gem quality Fire Agate has been found only in parts of California, Arizona, and Mexico. Despite the fact that this gemstone may never become mass merchandised it has created a small yet devoted following among those who apprechiate its beauty |
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edal
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 05, 2007
Posts: 759
Location: Gyor, Hungary
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| Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 5:50 pm Post subject: |
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Relationships between someone who has AS and someone who doesn't can happen and they do work, and in your post you've already demonstrated that you have the required patience and understanding.
Have a long quiet conversation with your boyfriend and explain to him that some behavior isn't acceptable. The next thing you need to do is arrange some sort of signal between the two of you to let him know when you have company that something he is doing is out of line. With me it's my girlfriend either cleaning her glasses or asking if I need a tissue. After a while the incidents should drop off.
Ed Almos |
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Age1600
Bonita-Azul
Joined: Apr 23, 2007
Posts: 2358
Location: New Jersey
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| Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 5:51 pm Post subject: |
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| Marilyn wrote: | I can give alot of specific examples of his behaviour, but what it comes down to is a consistant child like attitude to adult situations. I notice it more around high stress social situations, like when he met my friends and family. He just lacks this ability to communicate on a deeper level. He'll make random & inapropriate statements. In a recent visit to a friends house (where he had never been before) he just got up from our conversation and started going through all of her kitchen cabinets. Luckily my friend didn't mind, but i was just really confused over how I should respond . do I stop him? Do I just let him go at it? I don't want to be his mother, but if he really needs help interacting socially, I want to help him.
He also has a strong sensitivity to sound and touch. This occcasionaly becomes a problem in intimate situations.
The most serious problem that I have with him though is a lack of communication. I would easily be able to handle everything else if we could just talk about it, if he could try to make me understand where he's coming from, but it's like talking to a wall. That's the main reason i came to the site. I just really need some help communicating with him.
Just to clarify, i in no way confuse the term "healthy" relationship and "perfect" relationship with each other. I'm too much of a realist. I expect to have fights and conflict, I actually welcome them as a way to grow and learn about each other.
but when it's just one person wanting to talk and comunicate about said problem, you get an un-balanced and un-healthy situation. |
As far as stopping him like if he gets up in the middle of a conversation and goes through the cabinets, I would say just let him be, its his thing, hes not harming anybody. If anybody asks, just say hes looking for something or its his like quirk. I do weird things like that, I've been known to get up in the middle of a conversation and just go to the tv and watch tv haha, of course it turned some heads, my boyfriend was like ok that conversation got boring to her haha.
I too have a problem with touch and sound. I explained to my boyfriend that its not because I hate him, if I push him away or if I don't greet him with a hug, light touches usually feel like pins and needles for me. Also if its an unexpected touch, whoa it would drive me crazy. I have a lot of problems kissing him, or hugging, or cuddling, but I still try so hard. He understands that I do want to, but I also show affection other ways, that most NTs don't see, like if I all of a sudden put my hand on his shoulder, its big time affection from me, but to him its normal. Maybe you can try giving him bear hugs, or I asked my boyfriend the other day to roll me up in a comforter like a taco lol and take all the cushions off the couch and then put them back on me, and sit on me, I was in heaven haha. Afterwards I guess it served a lot of stimilui for me, I could give him more gentle hugs and more kissing. I also hate holding hands, so I usually try to grab his shirt, or his pants to show that I do care.
Communication can be very hard sometimes, and a lot of people say that about us, its like talking to a wall. Try things like writing him a letter on how you feel, or leave him a text, or leave him a note under his door and what your feeling, maybe he return the favor and do the same. I use to do that with my brother growing up to communicate my feelings so he would know that I did love him as a brother. Now with my boyfriend I can talk to him about things, sometimes I talk too much, but I'm slowly learning how to communicate better. If you want, you can private message my boyfriend, he will tell you how he somehow managed to stick by my side even though its been one hell of a rocky ride haha. His username is FastJim, he would love to hear from you. |
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poopylungstuffing
doh-skoh-bee-doh
Joined: Mar 09, 2007
Age: 34
Posts: 6406
Location: Super Happy Fun Land, TX
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| Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 6:10 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | I notice it more around high stress social situations, like when he met my friends and family. He just lacks this ability to communicate on a deeper level. He'll make random & inapropriate statements. In a recent visit to a friends house (where he had never been before) he just got up from our conversation and started going through all of her kitchen cabinets |
I feel very fortunate that Flakey does not mind the fact that I freeze up in high stress social situations...or the fact that I can't talk very well around his family...(likesay, I will open my mouth and not much more than gibberish will come out)..or the fact that I find it very difficult to mantain normal reciprocal friendships.
He has alot of similar problems that I have and therefore, is very forgiving.(whew) (He is alot more "High functioning" than me...though I have seen him be the cause of great headaches to previous (non-ADD/AS...or "NT")partners. Women love his childlike personality....and the next thing ya know...huge nasty fights with stuff getting broken and whatnot.
Anyone who gets into a relationship with me is gonna have to like my childlike personality, because it is the only one I have....(it is part of the reason why we are so compatable.)
I would never go so far as to randomly root around in someone's kitchen cupboards. (did he give a reason?) I was repremanded for doing it once at Flakey's mom's , and I was just looking for a coffee cup...I will break the social protocol in other ways. It used to be that whenever I participated in a "normal" social visit, I would get really tired and fall asleep..or else end up sitting on the floor with a book while the NT's made chitchat...otherwise it would be overload and the overwhealming urge to sleep....(which really pisses some people off for some reason)
In my current setting, I am dating someone who has almost as much of an aversion to that sort of thing as I do. We have our own ways of socialising that we are mutually comfortable with.
I have been fortunate enough to have mostly dated people who are as socially akward as I am. My most NT relationship was my first one, which lasted 6 years. I was always the odd duck..always getting repremanded for my behavior by him, and his friends etc..etc...etc..His family spoke a different language though..so the language barrier provided a cover for my bonding difficulties  ...But his mom did notice that there was something kinda off about me...which she blamed on my parents....Anywhoo...the relationship was tedious and exhausting for both of us.
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myeyesseekreality
Raven
Joined: Dec 26, 2006
Posts: 115
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| Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 6:27 pm Post subject: |
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| Relationships are more than possible. Are they worth it? No. I've been in a few relationships, and I have AS, but according to Tony Attwood's writings they messed up, and I actually fit the HFA criteria. It's not me being the way I am that brings me to this conclusion. It's the way the modern culture is. It throws every thing in the way to damage it. Too much stress for NT's, and Autistics alike. Too much meism, and not enough moral vaqlue. If you both have the character, and strength to do it. More power to you, and I wish you all the luck in the world. |
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KimJ
Legend in my own mind
Joined: Jun 11, 2006
Posts: 2540
Location: Arizona
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| Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 6:35 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | I have seen lately several websites advising on relationships that advocate the slightest personality defect should be seen as a red flag to run away from when forming relationships, is this a subtle form of eugenics that is occuring in society?
yes teh relationship will probably eventually fail as most do but is the positives enough for you to stick around for a bit? if not then runaway. |
I've noticed this too. Of course, one has to assume what their "red flags" are. A red flag for me is quite different than for a woman like my mom or friends. However, if something feels "wrong", it probably is, for you.
Marilyn, you do need to open up the communication between you. I'm not saying "you" as in just you, rather both of you. Y'all. Some of the stress in social situations can be alleviated by reviewing acceptable behavior and the purpose of the event before you.
We are going to Missy's house. We are going sit in her living room, unless she invites us to sit elsewhere. We aren't going to look through her closed drawers or cupboards. I don't have that kind of relationship with her.
I'm Aspie and my husband has a lot of traits, though he's not nearly as inflexible as I am. He has better communication skills too. We've been married 10 1/2 years. Our ongoing issue is that of communication, I don't read body language or remember sequences of events. So, I can be shocked about disagreements that we frequently have. Not understanding body language can make you overly suspicious or completely oblivious. |
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fastjim
Hummingbird
Joined: Aug 21, 2007
Posts: 24
Location: NJ
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| Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 8:24 pm Post subject: |
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| hey as you know by now im age1600's boyfriend.. yes you can have a relationship and be happy with it.. it will take work at first to get to know the things to look out for. like things he like or dislikes.. i been with her for 1 year 6 months and 19 days to be exact and still learning new things.. it will be bumpy at times but then be really good others. the really good days are what keeps you going. most of the time when hes angry he really isnt it just seems that way( or at least thats how age is ).. i can sit here and write you a book but i dont really have time to do that today. so if you have any questions then you can PM me and ill answer them the best i can. JIM |
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Stitch
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Nov 06, 2006
Posts: 61
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| Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 8:46 pm Post subject: |
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"I have seen lately several websites advising on relationships that advocate the slightest personality defect should be seen as a red flag to run away from when forming relationships, is this a subtle form of eugenics that is occuring in society?"
(disclaimer: dunno if I have AS) Anybody remember the show Seinfeldt, where Elaine and Jerry would break up with people for all kinds of freaky reasons? Don't remember anything specific, but it was usually something like they drank too much water or tied their shoes the wrong way... Luckily things aren't quite that bad in Europe. You can still get accepted here, even if you're a bit off-beat. |
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siuan
Phoenix
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Joined: Aug 07, 2007
Posts: 1269
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| Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 10:17 pm Post subject: |
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I was with an NT guy previously. I left, mostly because he seemed to interpret my AS traits as signs I was keeping something from him intentionally. He was a good guy, and we were together six years. I didn't know I had AS at the time, so all things considered we did pretty well.
I then met my husband about a year later, who is also an aspie. We've been together seven wonderful years and I wouldn't trade him for anything! We have some unique challenges, and I won't lie and say it's been a blissful seven years without bumps. However, we understand each other, make each other happy and have learned a lot along the way.
So YES, relationships - good ones even - are possible.
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They tell me I think too much. I tell them they don't think enough. |
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