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LadyMahler
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 28, 2007
Age: 35
Posts: 229
Location: Cape Town
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 Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 12:27 pm Post subject: Just survived an enormous meltdown |
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I started going into a massive meltdown yesterday, in front of a senior colleague, who told me I should really go home. And at home my whole life crumbled apart and my mind just filled up with senses and sadness and I wondered if anyone would miss me, really miss me, if I was gone. And I read the most important page on the Internet, old faithful, once again for the somanyeth time in my life, while just rocking and crying and trying to count the reasons why I should try and stay alive.
Then I finally calmed down. I put on make up, went back to work and gave some input to a very important but tough meeting that needed my honest voice and logical mind, unswayed by politics or concerns of diplomacy. I went back to work because I know that needed to be done, and no one else that was attending that meeting would speak only the truth and ask the tough questions, even if they hurt. As a person with autism, that is what I can add and although it is not always appreciated, yesterday it was needed. And somewhere between the meltdown and calming down, my ever so logical brain reminded me of that.
At most, people may have thought I was throwing a temper tantrum earlier on. Nobody knows what really happened at home. Except you guys, now. I am still recovering from the sadness today, and would probably for a few weeks, but I feel stronger: I guess we have meltdowns for a reason, sometimes we just need to let it all out, it is just too much to keep it all inside. And we feel better afterwards.
So this is how I feel today, surviving the meltdown and going back to do what needed to be done, these are the words that are going through my mind:
"I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children."
(written by Oriah)
Ok, that was a huge blob of sharing. Very personal indeed. I hope that is ok. Thanks to all of you for listening. |
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kittenfluffies
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 07, 2007
Posts: 567
Location: Gulfport, MS
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| Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 12:40 pm Post subject: |
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I don't know what to say except that I have been in this position before - having a meltdown and looking at that very site. 
One of the best (and sometimes, worst) things about being an Aspie is having such a logical mind. I can use my rational mind to talk myself out of the deepest, darkest sadness and immediately feel better afterward.
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MerryBerry
Snowy Owl
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Joined: Sep 04, 2007
Posts: 158
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| Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 1:14 pm Post subject: |
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Your post reminds me that we Aspies are so darned good at certain things - managing to get our over-stimulated brains into gear and working well, even when we've experienced the major stress of meltdown. We run ourselves down sometimes...but really we shouldn't.
| Quote: | | At most, people may have thought I was throwing a temper tantrum earlier on. Nobody knows what really happened at home. Except you guys, now. I am still recovering from the sadness today, and would probably for a few weeks, but I feel stronger: I guess we have meltdowns for a reason, sometimes we just need to let it all out, it is just too much to keep it all inside. And we feel better afterwards. |
Yes, meltdowns do take it out of you, sounds like you're on your way to feeling stronger already. And whatever needed to come out, has done. I wish you a relaxing weekend LadyMahler, to fully recharge your batteries.
Thanks for posting the link to old faithful, I've just read that, it's full of excellent and practical advice/support. I'll save that link. I'm sure it will come in useful here in the future. |
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itw
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 06, 2007
Age: 48
Posts: 84
Location: washington state
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| Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 1:19 pm Post subject: meltdowns |
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| Sometimes it takes a long time for me to recover from a meltdown. At times I feel like I go from one meltdown to another. Lately it's been like that because there is so much going on in my life. So many changes. I had a really bad meltdown yesterday which lasted until this morning. I'm now finally beginning to see that it doesn't mean it's always going to be bad. Positive things can come of it. Instead of reading so much into it, I need to see it for what it is and the specific reason I had it. I can't solve all life's problems in one day. I really need to focus on the good more. |
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itw
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 06, 2007
Age: 48
Posts: 84
Location: washington state
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| Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 1:25 pm Post subject: old faithful |
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Old faithful is a wonderful link. Thank you. I didn't realize it was an actually link. So, like an idiot I googled 'old faithful' and literally went to old faithful. 
Thanks again. |
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alexbeetle
Knight of the blackest black beetle
Joined: Mar 17, 2007
Posts: 1385
Location: beetle hole
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| Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 1:35 pm Post subject: |
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I admire your strength. It doesn't matter how many times we fall down so long as we get up again.
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LadyMahler
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 28, 2007
Age: 35
Posts: 229
Location: Cape Town
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| Posted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 5:44 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks, everyone, you are all so encouraging and thoughtful. This forum really is a big source of strength. I hope I'll be there for you too one day. |
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thyme
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 06, 2007
Posts: 799
Location: Over the Hills and Far Away
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| Posted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 11:39 pm Post subject: |
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I'm having a major melt-down too
I was trying to be strong and not let anyone know how scared and depressed I felt.
But guess it was too much to hold in and started sobbing loudly and now my bf is upset too. I feel bad about that too, I did not want him to worry about me. Just trying not to think too much. |
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LadyMahler
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 28, 2007
Age: 35
Posts: 229
Location: Cape Town
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| Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 2:11 am Post subject: |
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I also try and hide my meltdowns. I think this thread is the first time I have ever spoken about it. Considering that this is the adult forum, and from the reaction it got, it seems that it is one of those things, after we have managed to slowly work through and hide the more obvious Asperger's symptoms, that just carry on into adulthood with us not having much control over it. I, too, am shy about it and my husband has never seen me have a meltdown and I never share it with anyone either, after one. But I need help, I know that. I need someone to know about it, who I can call when it happens, who will not be scared of it and who can perhaps just be there, outside the door, and wait with me for it to pass and just, I don't know... not want to stop it but help me not to hurt myself (even if it is just hurtful thoughts) while I have it. And someone to talk to afterwards.
But you guys are doing a good job at that last one.
Thyme: it is ok, you need to go through the motions. Just remember it will get better. I think it is important that your bf reads this thread, so that he knows what you're going through is normal for an aspie, as much as it is very worrying to him.
I think having a meltdown is to overstimuli/stress/emotional distress like being nauseous and bringing up is to eating something bad/having a tummy bug. You can't help that you are feeling nauseous and at some point, it just has to come out, which feels really, really crappy but once you have finished, brushed your teeth and gotten back into bed, you feel much better. And it is all over, just like that. I think that is the most important point we have to make to our loved ones: if we can get it all out, and if we feel safe and purposeful and loved afterwards, we are ok: we can go on. It may not stop the next meltdown, but we are stronger now, and will be more ready for the next one.
Does that make sense? |
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LadyMahler
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 28, 2007
Age: 35
Posts: 229
Location: Cape Town
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| Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 2:23 am Post subject: |
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itw:
| Quote: | | At times I feel like I go from one meltdown to another |
I think that is the support system I am trying to outline in the previous post. Somewhere, you must recharge your batteries and recover, so that your body and mind can learn and adapt, and refocus and become strong. I don't think it is good to have the one meltdown after the other. Please, have a look at your environment and try to find what are the common factors triggering this. Perhaps it is stress, or noise/light, perhaps just a certain person or group of people with whom you are interacting, and it is too much at this point. Try to get away from it for a while, to feel better first? Please try to find someone that you trust, perhaps, to just help you cope in the interim.
I hope you can catch a break! |
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MerryBerry
Snowy Owl
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Joined: Sep 04, 2007
Posts: 158
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| Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 5:27 am Post subject: |
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| LadyMahler wrote: |
Thyme: it is ok, you need to go through the motions. Just remember it will get better. I think it is important that your bf reads this thread, so that he knows what you're going through is normal for an aspie, as much as it is very worrying to him.
I think having a meltdown is to overstimuli/stress/emotional distress like being nauseous and bringing up is to eating something bad/having a tummy bug. You can't help that you are feeling nauseous and at some point, it just has to come out, which feels really, really crappy but once you have finished, brushed your teeth and gotten back into bed, you feel much better. And it is all over, just like that. |
I agree with that. The way I visualise a meltdown, is like a thunderstorm. The emotions/stress/overstimulation produce 'clouds' and they build up, until you can feel the thunder rolling around the sky, then it just has to discharge itself to the ground, i.e. meltdown. There's a lot of energy to them, and afterwards you feel drained, but more grounded. I don't know if that makes sense? If it's a bad one, it feels like being shattered, and all the pieces flying in different directions. Then a few days of recovering the pieces, bit by bit.
I think it helps a lot to be able to talk about what worries us and to get those feelings/worries out. A problem shared and all that...that's where this place, and other Aspies, are so helpful, because we do understand what it feels like to meltdown, and to feel the thunder building. And I couldn't agree more with :-
| LadyMahler wrote: | | I think that is the most important point we have to make to our loved ones: if we can get it all out, and if we feel safe and purposeful and loved afterwards, we are ok: we can go on. It may not stop the next meltdown, but we are stronger now, and will be more ready for the next one. |
Thyme, I'm sorry you're having a hard time at the moment. I do hope things get easier for you soon. |
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itw
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 06, 2007
Age: 48
Posts: 84
Location: washington state
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| Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2007 1:26 pm Post subject: |
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| LadyMahler wrote: | itw:
| Quote: | | At times I feel like I go from one meltdown to another |
I think that is the support system I am trying to outline in the previous post. Somewhere, you must recharge your batteries and recover, so that your body and mind can learn and adapt, and refocus and become strong. I don't think it is good to have the one meltdown after the other. Please, have a look at your environment and try to find what are the common factors triggering this. Perhaps it is stress, or noise/light, perhaps just a certain person or group of people with whom you are interacting, and it is too much at this point. Try to get away from it for a while, to feel better first? Please try to find someone that you trust, perhaps, to just help you cope in the interim.
I hope you can catch a break! |
Thank you. This has been a really helpful thread. |
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thyme
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 06, 2007
Posts: 799
Location: Over the Hills and Far Away
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| Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2007 12:03 pm Post subject: |
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| LadyMahler wrote: | I also try and hide my meltdowns. I think this thread is the first time I have ever spoken about it. Considering that this is the adult forum, and from the reaction it got, it seems that it is one of those things, after we have managed to slowly work through and hide the more obvious Asperger's symptoms, that just carry on into adulthood with us not having much control over it. I, too, am shy about it and my husband has never seen me have a meltdown and I never share it with anyone either, after one. But I need help, I know that. I need someone to know about it, who I can call when it happens, who will not be scared of it and who can perhaps just be there, outside the door, and wait with me for it to pass and just, I don't know... not want to stop it but help me not to hurt myself (even if it is just hurtful thoughts) while I have it. And someone to talk to afterwards.
But you guys are doing a good job at that last one.
Thyme: it is ok, you need to go through the motions. Just remember it will get better. I think it is important that your bf reads this thread, so that he knows what you're going through is normal for an aspie, as much as it is very worrying to him.
I think having a meltdown is to overstimuli/stress/emotional distress like being nauseous and bringing up is to eating something bad/having a tummy bug. You can't help that you are feeling nauseous and at some point, it just has to come out, which feels really, really crappy but once you have finished, brushed your teeth and gotten back into bed, you feel much better. And it is all over, just like that. I think that is the most important point we have to make to our loved ones: if we can get it all out, and if we feel safe and purposeful and loved afterwards, we are ok: we can go on. It may not stop the next meltdown, but we are stronger now, and will be more ready for the next one.
Does that make sense? |
Yes it does, it must be the build-up of stress chemicals that cause them. Usually, I have shut-downs instead of meltdowns which are just as bad for the person experiencing them. My Mom would have threatened to put me in a foster home if I had a meltdown so I learned to keep it all instead. I had that instilled into me at a young age to feel guilty if my inability to handle my own problems caused my loved ones any kind of distress. |
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itw
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 06, 2007
Age: 48
Posts: 84
Location: washington state
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| Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2007 1:16 pm Post subject: |
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| thyme wrote: | | Yes it does, it must be the build-up of stress chemicals that cause them. Usually, I have shut-downs instead of meltdowns which are just as bad for the person experiencing them. My Mom would have threatened to put me in a foster home if I had a meltdown so I learned to keep it all instead. I had that instilled into me at a young age to feel guilty if my inability to handle my own problems caused my loved ones any kind of distress. |
I'm sorry to hear that you have to hide your meltdowns. I think a lot of us have had to at some point in our lives. Be it from a parent, boyfriend, husband or friends. Most of the reason I hide it was because I had no idea what was going on. Now that I know I have aspergers, I've been more open. The people who are most understanding about it are the ones that really matter. Still, it's easy to feel inferior. Society makes it a point to label those who can't handle things as losers.
I also have shutdowns. They are basically, for me, really bad meltdowns. Last time I had one of those was a few months ago. My husband and I were on a business trip in Orange County, Calif. and he literally had to lead me back to our hotel room one night. This was after 4 days of over-stimulation. I couldn't talk to anyone or look at anyone. I just basically kept my head down and let him lead me back to the hotel. At least I knew what was wrong with me. I didn't use to have that knowledge in the past and I just thought I was psycho. |
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LadyMacbeth
They made me do it.
Joined: May 28, 2007
Age: 21
Posts: 1491
Location: In the girls toilets at Hogwarts, washing the blood off my hands.
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| Posted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 7:21 am Post subject: |
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| alexbeetle wrote: | | I admire your strength. It doesn't matter how many times we fall down so long as we get up again. |
Yeah. A saying I live by is "fall down 7 times, get back up 8".
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We are the mutant race!!!! Don't look at my eyes, don't look at my face... |
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