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Christy
Emu Egg
Joined: Oct 01, 2007
Posts: 7
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 Posted: Mon Oct 01, 2007 4:27 pm Post subject: |
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| Aspie1 wrote: | | What would have helped me is a categories list of what's OK and what's not OK to do in school. I'm NOT talking about school rules; I'm talking about interactions with other students. For instance, saying hi to your classmates is "always OK"; offering to tell a joke is "OK up to a limit"; disagreeing with the popular opinion is "rarely OK", and talking about intellectual stuff is "never OK". A series of different things I did in school as a kid would fit under each category. I would study the list every night, along with my schoolwork, and act accordingly. |
I know what you mean. I managed to alienate myself from all the other kindergarteners before we even got into the classroom. Why didn't anyone explain to me division and multiplication is not cool to talk about with other 5 year olds. |
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Christy
Emu Egg
Joined: Oct 01, 2007
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Mon Oct 01, 2007 4:33 pm Post subject: |
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| McJeff wrote: | What would have helped me more than anything, was to know that I had Aspergers, rather than that I was just "put together wrong".
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I'm undiagnosed and I think it would physchologically help me to know that I'm not just crazy and that I do belong in this group with people who are like me. How do I get diagnosed? |
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ADoyle
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 17, 2005
Age: 32
Posts: 669
Location: Southern California, USA
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| Posted: Tue Oct 02, 2007 4:04 am Post subject: |
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| pbcoll wrote: | | 9CatMom wrote: | | I think phys. ed. classes killed my desire to run. I was pretty active and even somewhat athletic as a small child. |
I wonder if this is a common occurrence for aspies - phys ed put me off all sports for a long time, and permanently put me off team sports & competitive sports. |
I wonder that as well, especially since I was pretty active even without team sports before phys ed ruined things. The thing I hated the most was dodgeball because I was the main target for the ball. There was one kid who threw the ball particuarly hard, and the one time I actually caught the ball, I nearly landed on my butt. I do know that if that happened, the entire class would have laughed. What really put me off of team sports and running was middle school PE when we were forced to run the mile and you were graded on how well you did in sports. I wasn't good, so my grade was never higher than a "C."
As for summer camp and other activities, I actually enjoyed those. I was also in the band, orchestra, and debate team in high school because those were fun, and my parents realized that I had friends in those activities.
_________________
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason,
and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."
- Galileo Galilei |
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shopaholic
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 01, 2007
Posts: 619
Location: UK
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| Posted: Fri Oct 05, 2007 2:06 pm Post subject: |
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1. To have been taught some social skills. My parents were not social, and their attitude was that high grades were all that counted and that if I had those I was "superior" to others who wasted their time on pointless socialising. I therefore grew up to believe that once I started work I would be on the "fast track" and quickly become a senior manager.
It was genuinely traumatic for me when all my "inferior" peers and then juniors started getting promoted above me and I just could not understand why, when my IQ was so much higher than theirs!
2. To have been excused outdoor team sports, especially in winter. I had very real issues, not only with the co-ordination problems, but with being in severe pain in my fingers & toes from the cold. I could never understand why I was the only person who seemed to suffer like this.
3. To have known that I had a recognised condition and that there were others like me. Again, my adult expectations would not have been so high if I had understood that I was not superior, just different. And I would have gone for a more suitable career.
4. To have had access to classes in "life skills". They did not exist in my schooldays, and nowadays in the UK are only given to children & young adults with severe learning difficulties. Because I was usually top in academic subjects, I would not have been considered to fall into this group.
5. To have realised there was a reason why I could not "precis", i.e. summarise, chapters in my textbooks (I tended to paraphrase them instead because I simply couldn't leave anything out!) Also, to have understood that trying to take notes during lectures at University was not an effective learning method for me, and that I was expected to study textbooks outside the lectures as well.
6. To have been encouraged to continue with ballet lessons - telling me that there were progressive graded exams that I could pass would have done the trick! I had no idea of this at the time.
7. To have been encouraged to help with the housework as a child (my mother preferred to do it all herself!) so that I would know how to do it now.
Of course, my parents did a lot of things right - such as allowing me to follow all my interests, and refusing to complain to the school every time I got bullied because "it will only make it worse - you need to learn to deal with it yourself!" which eventually I did.
They also did not try & stop my stimming.
I also did not suffer from such low self-esteem as I might otherwise have done because I was only victimised at school, not at home. And I did have a "best friend" outside of school, although I did not get on very well with any other children.
And I took music lessons, sang in the church & school choirs & did do the ballet for a while. This means that I have a better undersatnding of music now. |
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lastcrazyhorn
Bat-Chick
Joined: Oct 11, 2007
Posts: 1219
Location: Texas
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| Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 4:25 am Post subject: |
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I could have used an intro to the basic facts of life. Like what the F-word was and what it meant. I figured out what it was in 6th grade. I figured out what it meant in 8th. I learned about the finger when I accidentally flipped off my mother, trying to show her something on my middle joint. She told me not to do that. I asked why and she explained that it was a bad thing, synonymous with the F word. And I was like, "So what? The F word is just "F&(%." And that's why she had to explain to me what it meant. I was 14.
I wish that I could have had someone that I knew would stand up for me. Every adult that I ever dared talk to about the bullying told me to suck it up or wouldn't believe me or would do something completely ineffectual that just made the bullies madder at me and get me later in the day. I just wanted someone to talk to about everybody talking about me, spreading rumors about me, laughing at me in the hallways, pushing me down the stairs, writing on my shirt in pen, grading my homework wrong, calling me sh!t in public, threatening me every effing day of my life with everything under the sun, including death threats. No one's safe to talk to when you're the weird outcast kid that no one understands and even the teachers laugh at.
And for the love of god, don't tell your kid that they have to get over the way the are because it's just not working. This isn't working, you need to get over yourself, get over being weird, stop reacting so strongly to other people. "Just smile and try to be their friend." That's pure bullsh!t. How come no one ever had to smile and be my effing friend??? They don't want to be my friend!!! That's why they're treating me like this!
One last thing, tell the kid that there are certain times when it's good to speak and ask questions and the rest of time, just don't. One good trick to use when they're unsure of when that time is, is to think to themselves 3 magical little words: "Do They Care?" It's helped me immensely. Seems like common sense to NTs, but it's something I had to learn; something I didn't figure out until I was in my 20's.
_________________
"I am to misbehave" - Mal
BATMAN: I'll do everything I can to rehabilitate you.
CATWOMAN: Marry me.
BATMAN: Everything except that.
http://lastcrazyhorn.wordpress.com - "Odd One Out: Reality with a refreshing slice of aspie" |
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val5ram
Emu Egg
Joined: Oct 22, 2007
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 9:13 am Post subject: Help! mom at witts end |
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| I have a 12 1/2 year old son with aspergers and ADHD. He hates school and will fights about going. once there sometimes he chooses to do nothing. Often he just goes to the office and sits or calls me and is "sick". I don't know what to do. Has anyone else experienced this? Is it typical? I keep reading about how school was easy for many. His anger often seems to overtake him. |
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lastcrazyhorn
Bat-Chick
Joined: Oct 11, 2007
Posts: 1219
Location: Texas
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| Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 10:12 pm Post subject: Re: Help! mom at witts end |
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| val5ram wrote: | | I have a 12 1/2 year old son with aspergers and ADHD. He hates school and will fights about going. once there sometimes he chooses to do nothing. Often he just goes to the office and sits or calls me and is "sick". I don't know what to do. Has anyone else experienced this? Is it typical? I keep reading about how school was easy for many. His anger often seems to overtake him. |
School wasn't easy for me. Never was. Maybe it might help him to know that it gets better later and if he doesn't do his work, he's never getting out of there.
_________________
"I am to misbehave" - Mal
BATMAN: I'll do everything I can to rehabilitate you.
CATWOMAN: Marry me.
BATMAN: Everything except that.
http://lastcrazyhorn.wordpress.com - "Odd One Out: Reality with a refreshing slice of aspie" |
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Liverbird
Using my evil powers for good!
Joined: Jun 14, 2007
Posts: 1108
Location: My heart belongs to Anfield
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| Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 9:25 pm Post subject: |
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It would have helped knowing that there were other "weird" people out there. I went through alot of shrinks, meds, and people in my life to discover that I'm okay. Just march to a different drummer. I raised my son that way and he's probably the most well adjusted AS kid you've ever met.
It was all a mater of faith. Knowing that you weren't alone. Having someone else to talk to about it. Having someone to negotiate the rules for me. That definitely would have been good. Having my parents be more accepted of me 20 years ago would have been good too. It took them much longer than it took me to get over the whole AS thing. Especially because I had my son diagnosed first.
I tell my AS kids that I work with, that it's okay to be yourself. There are other people in the world just like you. And I try to encourage them to reach out to other people. |
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MFN1378
Emu Egg
Joined: Nov 03, 2007
Posts: 8
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| Posted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 7:25 pm Post subject: |
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Hmmm, what would have helped me?
...My parents admitting there was something not quite right about me, for starters. As someone else said, I was always just told, "Oh, you're just SO intelligent, you don't fit in..." "You're so much better than them" (when I complained that I didn't have real friends), etc. It's only recently (i.e. over the past 5 or so years) that I've put 2 and 2 together and realized I am very likely an Aspie. I've spoken with my mother and asked her about myself as a young child and she even admits, now, that YES something was wrong, but my father would have had a fit to believe his little girl wasn't perfect.
...To those who "wished they had been taught socialization early on"... It doesn't work. I was put in virtually every afterschool activity imagineable. Dance, gymnastics, horseback riding, voice lessons, drama lessons, art classes... You name it, I did it. I am still a social moron. I try to fake it, but it never works out. Just this year, I've found that people I've worked closely with for close to a bloody DECADE have been talking about how strange I am behind my back and apparently mocking my conversational skills.
...I'm at a loss, now, for anything else to offer up. Mentioning the mocking thing above has completely thrown me off track and annoyed me to the point that I'm shutting down, somewhat. Argh. |
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Triangular_Trees
What is right is sometimes found on the left.
Joined: Jul 18, 2007
Posts: 2053
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| Posted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 9:04 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | ...To those who "wished they had been taught socialization early on"... It doesn't work. I was put in virtually every afterschool activity imagineable. Dance, gymnastics, horseback riding, voice lessons, drama lessons, art classes... You name it, I did it. I am still a social moron |
Since when do those activities teach socialization? I think you are confusing social activities with activities designed to teach social skills. They are entirely different activities. And if they weren't most aspie kids won't have trouble with socializing in the first place.
Being taught socialization doesn't mean throwing you together with your peers. Its being taught things like saying, "Hi, how are you" when you meet someone, saying "Oh, how nice/that's interesting" in response to what they are telling you even if its boring stuff you couldn't care less about, looking them in the eye for a few moments, quickly flicking away and to the right, and looking them back in the eye again when talking. I'm quite certain your dance and gymnastics teachers weren't teaching you those kind of things. |
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MFN1378
Emu Egg
Joined: Nov 03, 2007
Posts: 8
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| Posted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 10:37 pm Post subject: |
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Actually, in preschool forms of ALL of those activities, it's ALL about socialization. Taking turns, saying nice things to each other, talking about what you did...
But, yes, I see your point. Continuing with them really offered no "social training" per se. |
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RainSong
The Argumentive Lunatic
Joined: May 02, 2006
Posts: 4205
Location: Ohio
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| Posted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 8:57 pm Post subject: |
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(My complaint post of the night; sorry.)
| pbcoll wrote: | | 9CatMom wrote: | | I think phys. ed. classes killed my desire to run. I was pretty active and even somewhat athletic as a small child. |
I wonder if this is a common occurrence for aspies - phys ed put me off all sports for a long time, and permanently put me off team sports & competitive sports. |
I had the same general problem with phys ed. I truly did enjoy being active and doing physical games and whatnot until that class came along. Then it became tests and forced teams and "suggestions" of how to improve combined with kids I either didn't know or didn't like (the feeling was always mutual by that point). It was my least favorite class every single year.
| lastcrazyhorn wrote: | | And for the love of god, don't tell your kid that they have to get over the way the are because it's just not working. This isn't working, you need to get over yourself, get over being weird, stop reacting so strongly to other people. "Just smile and try to be their friend." That's pure bullsh!t. How come no one ever had to smile and be my effing friend??? They don't want to be my friend!!! That's why they're treating me like this! |
I agree. Both my parents still subscribe to the "go out and be with people and you'll get better" thing. It doesn't work, not at all; it makes everything worse. They know this, I know they do (I've told them), but they do it anyway.
A couple things that's probably helpful, not necessarily for AS, but just in general:
-I know I'm the "responsible" one who does all the "good" stuff without being asked, but I'd like to be noticed for it every once in a while. Not like rewards or anything, but just a nice word every once is a while would be helpful. I don't mean for things I'm supposed to do anyway, but for the times when I go beyond it. For example, I was asked to wash the knives the other day, which I did; I also cleaned the entire kitchen (which I wasn't asked to do). As far as I know, it wasn't even noticed (even though the difference was pretty obvious). Instead of even a thank you (which I didn't even expect; I know better by now, but I'm still a dreamer), I got yelled at for something entirely different, something that I hadn't even done "wrong". The only time I'm really ever noticed, to be honest, is when I'm needed to do something or when I do something wrong.
-I really don't understand double standards. I mean, I get that people are different and all, but I really can't understand why something that's "wonderful!" if my brother does it is "disappointing" if I do. And I don't understand why I have to wait until I'm ___ years until I can do something, but my brother doesn't have to wait at all (he's two years younger). I'd like an explanation.
-For that matter, I'd explanations in general. If they don't have a logical reason for why I shouldn't be allowed to do something, I don't understand why I shouldn't be allowed to. "Because I said so" is not a good reason, as far as I'm concerned.
-It would have been nice if they had pointed out the things I was doing "wrong" a long time ago. They let me go for years with some apparently glaringly unacceptable things, but they didn't tell me. I would have liked to know at the time.
-Paid attention when I asked for help the first time. Instead of waiting two years for me to meltdown in the kitchen to finally think that maybe, hey, I know myself and what I do away from them better than they do.
-Pick a side; love me or hate me, not switch randomly. I'm told sometimes that it's ok the way I am, that they love me; and sometimes I'm told that I'm sick and broken, that I have to be fixed, that I want to be twisted because I'm lazy. It's confusing.
-Don't mock how I act when I'm happy, especially in front of their friends. If I'm not supposed to be visibly happy, let me know; I try not to be now as it is.
_________________
“I shall not commit the fashionable stupidity of regarding everything I cannot explain as a fraud.” - C.G.Jung |
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PurpleSpider
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Aug 08, 2007
Posts: 28
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| Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 9:27 pm Post subject: |
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I use to be angry with my parents because of the way I was brought up. Now I realise that I was hard to look after and they just didn't know how to look after me. But that said I have a few problems because of the way I was brought up 
I was smacked alot because they thought I was always being naughty or cheeky. If they had just talked to me and made sure I understood them it would have been alot better. Also they always complained when I forgot about something (burnt pizza, pie, etc in the oven) They just complained about me all the time. So I would say being positive and trying to help, as a parent, is alot better than constant critism. I was always scared of doing or saying anything which just made my AS worse. Even now my insecurities keep stopping me from doing things, not to mention the AS.
My parents shifted me around alot when I was at school and I hated it. I was always the new kid and it was particularly bad if it was part way during the school year. Also if I made any friends I soon lost them when I changed school. I still can't believe my parents changed my schooling soooo much. It was usually because they took offense to one of the teachers. Or at my favorite school it was because they changed head master. Then when one of my teachers let bullies punch me when she was in the classroom; my parents did nothing about it and I don't think they even believed me. What they didn't know was I had alot of trouble lying and basically never did it or if I did it was extremely obvious. I think my parents expected everyone to lie so they thought I would too. I think trying to understand your AS child is important; though it is hard to fully understand them.
Also if they are feeling overwhelmed then leave them alone. My dad pulled me off my chair when I was a teen because he wanted me to dry the dishes. I was going through a difficult time and needed space.
What I can say is that my mum is a very structured person and that helped me understand what was expected of me. So at least I new what to expect even though I did push boundaries.
Also I hated camps. My parents sent me to one when I wasn't mature enough and I wet the bed. It was not good. Also for some reason I was always scared of camps. I hated sleeping in the same room with so many other people and being pushed into doing activities I didn't want to do. I think it might depend on the individual kid. Some AS kids might like going to camps while others might hate them. |
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lastcrazyhorn
Bat-Chick
Joined: Oct 11, 2007
Posts: 1219
Location: Texas
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| Posted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 12:01 pm Post subject: |
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Speaking of expecting everyone to lie . . . I really could have used the knowledge back in middle school that not everyone tells the truth, and sometimes they lie to be mean.
The thought had never occurred to me. Took some really hard lessons to learn it too.
_________________
"I am to misbehave" - Mal
BATMAN: I'll do everything I can to rehabilitate you.
CATWOMAN: Marry me.
BATMAN: Everything except that.
http://lastcrazyhorn.wordpress.com - "Odd One Out: Reality with a refreshing slice of aspie" |
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Triangular_Trees
What is right is sometimes found on the left.
Joined: Jul 18, 2007
Posts: 2053
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| Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2007 12:57 pm Post subject: |
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If someone would have realized the reason I never touched the toy I had begged for for so long is not that I hadn't really wanted it, but that I'd been told so many negatives things like "thats for boys" "you can't possibly like that" that by the time I got the toy I couldn't even look at it, with out feeling like I was being yelled at for having it
Last edited by Triangular_Trees on Wed Nov 28, 2007 8:59 am; edited 1 time in total |
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