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lisa81
Phoenix
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Joined: Jun 07, 2008
Posts: 643
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 Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 2:20 am Post subject: |
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Thank you all for posting such valuable information.
I too often wonder if I also have AS.
There's many things in my life that I see in my son and read in autism books and stuff. I'm looking into getting DX sometime. I was asked by one of my college professors if I had aspergers.
If I do have autism or some characteristics of it, MANY of my life's struggles and questions will be answered and understood.
I'm always happy to hear honest opinions on what we can do to help our child by teens and adults in their shoes. I'll do anything to make sure my son is happy in life. |
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aspiewoman2
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jun 05, 2008
Posts: 47
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 2:11 pm Post subject: parents making a diff |
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| earthmom wrote: | I'm a 45 year old Aspie.
What would have helped me the most as a child is having genuine parents.
Mine were very phoney people who put on airs and only cared how things looked.
if you can provide love and acceptance and a STABLE home for your Aspie kid, you have done a good job.
:> earthmom |
this was my problem-parents w/ social airs. my dad was a guidance counselor who would not admit there was anything remotely different or odd about his children. What a horrible environment to grow up in!! |
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No_YOU_get_over_it
Toucan
Joined: Jun 29, 2008
Posts: 255
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 6:46 am Post subject: |
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What did help:
Social interaction tips from my father, such as
- get the other person talking, make him/her feel at ease
----no binary (=yes/no) questions
----listen for cues about their interests
----don't interrupt them
----most people just want to talk about themselves; let them do this and they'll think you're interesting
- look people in the eye, give firm handshake
- rephrase what people have said to be sure you understood and give them a chance to clarify
- say something to let people know you've heard them
- get confirmation that you have person's attention before talking to them
- don't complain or criticise - it just gives people present a bad feeling about YOU
Host/ess-ing tips like
- if you're thirsty, others around you probably are, too, so offer them a drink (vs. getting one just for yourself or going without)
- help people to feel at home, even when you wish they were
A response to criticism for which I've gotten a lot of praise in the workplace
- criticism is a chance to improve
- people offering constructive criticism often expect you to react badly, so they feel relieved when you don't and are likely to be much more supportive of you
- sometimes people just need to vent and feel heard
- if you act interested in the criticism, people think more highly of you and diminish the intensity they felt about what they criticised
(Unfortunately, some people truly just want to see a big explosion. They get MORE frustrated and aggressive when you respond with a calm, interested response to criticism. I haven't seen this at work, though, just from people who in retrospect seem like sociopaths.)
My father had rules for pretty much everything, and a lot of his methods were/are evil and manipulative. I'm pretty sure he's NPD. That was "helpful" in that it was good for me to know that there are people who really are that calculating. Of course, for a long time his was the ONLY "brand" of calculating I recognized, but it was a start.
My mother was more fond of making me prove my worth by earning acceptance through being useful to her, but one very useful skill/mindset I have from her is:
- leave a party or other gathering when you've had enough, even when it's early
-----excuse yourself gracefully and they'll be eager to have you back (She used to say "leave them wanting more.")
She needs a steady supply of positive feedback and presents to feel connected to someone. So her motivation was the opposite of mine: she leaves when she's sucked all the attention and praise she's going to get, and increases her desirability by making herself rare; I leave when I've given all the attention I can, which also reduces my undesirability b/c it means I don't burn out and get snarky.
Okay, so I still outstay my energy and get snarky too often.
But the inner freedom to find an OK way to leave has been hugely helpful to me.
_________________
- NYGOI
NB: contents of above post represent my opinion at time of post only. YMMV, NAYY, and most importantly, IALBTC! |
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tracytoon
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 22, 2008
Posts: 5
Location: Pacific Northwest
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 10:01 pm Post subject: What would have helped.... |
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I've read through all of these posts, it's a relief to be able to relate to so many people and the things they describe. My son currently has no friends his age, it's always been difficult for him. In many ways he's such an old soul and as a result doesn't just blend in with the neighborhood kids. I try to let him be who he is as much as possible, but I worry that if I don't push him into socializing, etc., he won't mature into a more independent person.
I don't let the smaller stuff get to me--he'll never be Felix Unger, but as long as he doesn't have vermin in his room, I can live with it. I am teaching him basic things like simple cooking, laundry, budgeting. He will probably excel in college with some help. Right now I am his best friend---if it has to be that way for a while that's okay--but as a single parent I get pretty tired.
I encouraged him to join this forum, but he was very offended that I implied he was on the wrong planet. Maybe he'll come around eventually.
Safe weekend to all!
Tracy |
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traveller011212
Velociraptor
Joined: May 27, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 478
Location: Right here!!
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 12:45 am Post subject: |
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Remember that even though your child acts and thinks like a computer (thus you need to talk to him/ her as such) that he/ she is really sensitive. The whole 3 complements to a criticism would have rocked. Complement the most basic things.
Teacher "Jimmy, I need to talk to you."
Jimmy walks over
Teacher "You need to pick up that truck like I asked you to."
Jimmy nods and walks over to pick up the truck
Teacher -cheerfully- "Thank you so much for picking that up when I asked you to, your such a good helper"
Jimmy runs the rest of the way and picks the truck up. He then runs over to the bucket to put it away
Teacher -cheerfully- "you do that so quickly, your so fast."
Teacher -cheerfully- "your really good at keeping everyones things safe."
It sounds stupid but being the teacher on the occasions when I am in that position I am filled with such satisfaction giving all those compliments because they mean so much to those children. Oddly enough they need to be reassured that having fun cleaning up after being criticized is okay.
All children, but especially AS children, are so unsure of how to do anything that for some of the most ordinary things they need guidance and reassurance.
ex. A child won't finish a dish he or she likes because he/ she said earlier that he/ she didn't like it unless he/ she is reassured the he/ she can eat it. Then take meds for the headache caused by them asking for seconds. |
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Bunni
Deinonychus
Joined: Mar 16, 2007
Age: 48
Posts: 321
Location: Pennsylvania, USA
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| Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 11:50 pm Post subject: |
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What would have helped me is some understanding.
_________________
Bunni
That which doesn't kill me, makes me stronger, and really pisses me off. |
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Jaysonlee4
Snowy Owl
Joined: Aug 23, 2008
Posts: 138
Location: Colorado
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| Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 11:11 pm Post subject: |
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| In a way this is a hard question for me to answer. I was very low functioning as a kid and did not speak until I was around 8 or so. To make things worse I had very abusive parents. My grandparents are actually the only reason that my autism was even diagnosed as my parents just thought I was "a retard". what would have helped me would have been decent parents. |
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Jenk
Deinonychus
Joined: Jul 02, 2008
Posts: 330
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| Posted: Thu Aug 28, 2008 4:11 pm Post subject: |
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Excluding the following from your vocabulary/repertoire...
Arrogant, Superior little brat, Quit acting like a child, Stop tantruming, Stupid child, I'm busy, I have no words for you, I don't care, Not interested, Pathetic, Lazy, Clumsy, Not good enough, Shouldn't have had children and my pet hate...
GET OVER IT.
I am not on it, clearly.
Last edited by Jenk on Thu Aug 28, 2008 4:45 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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Jenk
Deinonychus
Joined: Jul 02, 2008
Posts: 330
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| Posted: Thu Aug 28, 2008 4:11 pm Post subject: |
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sorry it repeated several times.
Last edited by Jenk on Thu Aug 28, 2008 4:44 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Jenk
Deinonychus
Joined: Jul 02, 2008
Posts: 330
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| Posted: Thu Aug 28, 2008 4:12 pm Post subject: |
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Last edited by Jenk on Thu Aug 28, 2008 4:45 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Jenk
Deinonychus
Joined: Jul 02, 2008
Posts: 330
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| Posted: Thu Aug 28, 2008 4:13 pm Post subject: |
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