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Spokane_Girl
There's no crying in baseball
Joined: Jul 17, 2007
Age: 24
Posts: 8674
Location: Rockford (hometown Oregon)
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 Posted: Sat Jul 11, 2009 5:22 pm Post subject: Do you ever ask people "what did you want to hear?" |
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Luckily this doesn't happen to me very often but when it does I ask them "What did you want to hear?"
People ask you a question asking and you answer it honestly and the person gets upset because they didn't like your answer. Yesterday I was chatting and he asked me why didn't I like diaperspace and I told him the videos were boring and look bad and I saw a few of them and I am just not interested in the place and he told me I didn't need to be so negative and I asked him how was I negative. He copied and pasted my answer and then told me all he did was ask why didn't like it and I told him I did tell him why and then I asked him what did he want to hear.
It seems to work when you tell someone "What did you want to hear?" when they get upset with your response when they ask for it because they say nothing else. I think it just makes them think and realize how foolish they are being because after all they did ask for your opinion or ask you why about something and you gave them an honest answer. I have learned in this community people will ask you something and they want to hear a certain answer and if they don't get it, they get upset, so now I ask "What did you want to hear?" because I am sick of that game people play so I ask that question to see what did they want me to say.
So has anyone else tried this method and it seems to shut someone up and they drop it.
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I'm a Peach
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mechanicalgirl39
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 07, 2009
Posts: 857
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| Posted: Sat Jul 11, 2009 5:24 pm Post subject: |
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Yup...plenty of times...
I think the one that took the biscuit, though, was when someone asked me what weird traits I had, then when I told him some, mocked me nonstop.
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Me:..but regular people don't go into sensory overloads and almost cause crashes while driving....
My friend: Yeah, they have to come up with their own excuses for running down ugly people |
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Ebonwinter
Toucan
Joined: Apr 26, 2009
Age: 19
Posts: 287
Location: Draka, U.S
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| Posted: Sat Jul 11, 2009 5:25 pm Post subject: Re: Do you ever ask people "what did you want to hear?& |
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| Spokane_Girl wrote: | Luckily this doesn't happen to me very often but when it does I ask them "What did you want to hear?"
People ask you a question asking and you answer it honestly and the person gets upset because they didn't like your answer. Yesterday I was chatting and he asked me why didn't I like diaperspace and I told him the videos were boring and look bad and I saw a few of them and I am just not interested in the place and he told me I didn't need to be so negative and I asked him how was I negative. He copied and pasted my answer and then told me all he did was ask why didn't like it and I told him I did tell him why and then I asked him what did he want to hear.
It seems to work when you tell someone "What did you want to hear?" when they get upset with your response when they ask for it because they say nothing else. I think it just makes them think and realize how foolish they are being because after all they did ask for your opinion or ask you why about something and you gave them an honest answer. I have learned in this community people will ask you something and they want to hear a certain answer and if they don't get it, they get upset, so now I ask "What did you want to hear?" because I am sick of that game people play so I ask that question to see what did they want me to say.
So has anyone else tried this method and it seems to shut someone up and they drop it. |
Tis the odd thing about modern culture they say how are you doing and expect you to say good even if you're dieing in front of them |
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Hmmmn
Deinonychus
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Joined: Jun 09, 2009
Age: 30
Posts: 333
Location: going
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| Posted: Sat Jul 11, 2009 6:14 pm Post subject: |
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Long before I knew I was on the spectrum I knew there was a big difference between the way I expressed dislike and the way others do. I'd say what I thought was the same thing someone else just said and get a really bad reaction. It's a direct consequence of the lack empathy thing (my empathy problem isn't that I can't see and feel what others are feeling [I actually think that's quite rare on this board at least] it's that I can't easily predict how they are going to feel when I say something I really need to think about it first).
It's easy enough to get round if you want to though just tone it down don't appear so bothered, if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all works for me. 'I prefer such and such' or 'Yeah it's alright, not that into it' is what i'd say if I didn't like something.
I used to be really concerned with 'the truth' til I realised it's too subjective to be taken so seriously and I'm more interested in wether people in my life see me as a negative or positive force than wether my opinion on something incosequential is known or not. |
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LabPet
alchemist
Joined: Jan 05, 2007
Posts: 2858
Location: Alaska
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| Posted: Sat Jul 11, 2009 6:33 pm Post subject: |
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Oh yes, & other 'no way out' questions (?)/responses from another. Exasperating since their question isn't answerable and not really even a question.
This one I LOATHE: "What would you like for me to do?" Such as if I need something (that is outside my control). My answer basically is "If I knew then I wouldn't be asking you, would I?" Just insane. A circular dialogue with no meaning.
Spokane_Girl & others - Yeah....if you don't care for something then you just do not. No need to 'explain' since it just IS. For instance, I don't really care for ice cream. I've actually had someone say "Then if you don't eat ice cream, then what do you eat?"
Well duh.....the answer "Something that's not ice cream."
Even at the post office, for example, clerk will say "How do you want to send this?" PO has a MYRIAD of ways all depending upon size of box or letter-type. So why are they asking me? I fully 'get' that it might 3 to 5 days, or whatever. No need for them to say, "Well, this probably won't go out until tomorrow, is that ok?" I'm well aware of that fact. OF COURSE it's ok - that is merely a fact of mailing. Why the need to ask if "I'm ok with it?"
Just baffling.
I do regard that which you all have described as playing mind games! What a pain.
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same nightmare, different nap
Lab Pet, therapist slayer
Lab Pet's video: Autism is Synonymous with Science: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYelVlA7kDw |
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AnnaLemma
Deinonychus
Joined: Mar 16, 2008
Posts: 390
Location: Holocene critter country
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| Posted: Sat Jul 11, 2009 8:10 pm Post subject: |
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I have dealt with this all my life, for sure. I don't lie at all well, so if I am not comfortable giving an honest (not brutal, just real) opinion, I used to simply avoid answering at all. Nowadays, I am more likely to ask "do you want your answer with or without spin?" Without spin they will get what I really think or the most likely outcome. With spin, they will get the same, but I will provide an alternative outcome (although less likely) or the points I also feel weigh against my ultimate opinion. It is a rare situation where I see it totally one way. Fortunately I know few folks who would ask me whether some item of clothing looks good on them.
I just don't feel very comfortable with people who continually seek reassurance or with people looking for a recreational argument.
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"If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat." Mark Twain |
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Brittany2907
Self-Proclaimed Animal Lover
Joined: Jun 10, 2007
Age: 18
Posts: 4365
Location: New Zealand
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| Posted: Sat Jul 11, 2009 8:29 pm Post subject: |
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I'm quite often asking people "What did you want to hear?"
My mum for example often asks me if she thinks certain items of clothing look good on her. If I tell her the truth and say that they don't (for whatever specific reason) she gets annoyed and says to me..."Why do you have to be so hateful? It was just a question".
Then I say to her..."What did you want to hear? I told you what I thought and that's what you asked me to do".
This isn't the only situation that I say that sentence in but it's the one that occurs most frequently.
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I = Vegetarian!
Animals = Friends.
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tweety_fan
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 03, 2007
Posts: 2356
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| Posted: Sat Jul 11, 2009 9:34 pm Post subject: |
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| It is annoying when people ask for an honest opinion and you give it to them and they say you are being negative when it wasn't what they wanted you to say. |
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matrixlover
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Feb 12, 2009
Posts: 68
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| Posted: Sat Jul 11, 2009 10:37 pm Post subject: I've started asking back |
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| do you want simple social affirmation or do you really want to know, or a variant I have a difficult time with lying so if you aren't prepared for the truth, don't ask me. I recently had this with a colleague who asked, should I wear this shirt? Now I know I have no fashion sense so if I ask a friend this, I mean it. No really, do I look unfashionable in this? I really want to know. Well, she looked too bright in that shirt so for ME it was a bit much. I told her personally I wouldn't wear that but it was just my personal taste. However, it was possible that a film crew may be on site so should you wear something with strong geometric patterns on TV? That one is very much no. Not my opinion, the opinion of every fashion consultant for every news program out there. She still seemed po'ed. However, she knows I am a straight shooter, so she asked for it. Literally asked for it. IMO when someone solicits your opinion then they need to deal with what they get. |
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AnnaLemma
Deinonychus
Joined: Mar 16, 2008
Posts: 390
Location: Holocene critter country
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| Posted: Sat Jul 11, 2009 10:38 pm Post subject: |
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I'd guess that these people expect you to say something in line with what they already think, which would be what they would consider "being supportive". The problem for me (and I assume for most of us) is that I don't consider being lied to in this way is really being "supportive". This is a big area of disconnect of expectations for me because I would consider someone lying to me to be a bad thing.
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"If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat." Mark Twain |
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pekkla
Raven
Joined: Jun 11, 2009
Posts: 109
Location: Berkeley, CA
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| Posted: Sun Jul 12, 2009 12:41 am Post subject: |
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Years ago, when I was a regular working stiff in an office, I learned the ins and outs of conversation, even the crap that is called "small talk" and I got pretty good at it, although I would be exhausted at the end of the day. But now that I don't have that kind of job (except being a mom) I have lost the ability to answer those questions in the NT way. When someone asks me how I am, I find it really hard to just say "fine" if something is bugging me. I agree that what most people want is just supportive conversation. And I try to do it, but get it wrong a lot of the time. Often I end up in a long-wnded monologue, and embarrass myself.
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"We're fools to make war on our brothers in arms."
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fiddlerpianist
Unclassified and loving it!
Joined: May 01, 2009
Age: 32
Posts: 1558
Location: The Autistic Hinterlands
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| Posted: Sun Jul 12, 2009 1:28 am Post subject: |
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I ask that question when I want someone to request a tune...
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"That leap of logic should have broken his legs." - Janissy |
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Silvervarg
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 26, 2009
Posts: 669
Location: Sweden
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| Posted: Sun Jul 12, 2009 1:45 am Post subject: |
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I usually beat them to it by asking; "You want the truth or should I lie?", or "Is that a question or a statement" when I know they want a specific answer. 
| Quote: | | Years ago, when I was a regular working stiff in an office, I learned the ins and outs of conversation, even the crap that is called "small talk" and I got pretty good at it, although I would be exhausted at the end of the day. But now that I don't have that kind of job (except being a mom) I have lost the ability to answer those questions in the NT way. When someone asks me how I am, I find it really hard to just say "fine" if something is bugging me. I agree that what most people want is just supportive conversation. And I try to do it, but get it wrong a lot of the time. Often I end up in a long-wnded monologue, and embarrass myself. |
I just reply "good enough". Since I'm well enough to stand infront of them and talk to them. ^^
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Maggiedoll
Loon
Joined: Jun 05, 2009
Age: 25
Posts: 1682
Location: Maryland
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| Posted: Sun Jul 12, 2009 10:27 am Post subject: |
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Hmm, maybe I'll start asking people that when I give the wrong answers. I've got into trouble a lot in the past for not giving the correct answers when they ask me questions.
| LabPet wrote: | Even at the post office, for example, clerk will say "How do you want to send this?" PO has a MYRIAD of ways all depending upon size of box or letter-type. So why are they asking me? I fully 'get' that it might 3 to 5 days, or whatever. No need for them to say, "Well, this probably won't go out until tomorrow, is that ok?" I'm well aware of that fact. OF COURSE it's ok - that is merely a fact of mailing. Why the need to ask if "I'm ok with it?"
Just baffling. |
The post office has everything they say completely scripted. When I was there the other day, I noticed behind the desk they had a "retail script" thing that had everything, down to pauses and eye contact! And all designed for them to be saying to your average jerk who thinks that everybody should drop everything to get them exactly what they want, immediately. There are plenty of people who WOULD yell at the person at the post office, and tell them how if it was ok for it to go out tomorrow, they'd have put it in their outgoing mail box instead of bringing it all the way to the post office, adding in nasty stuff about how they're not doing their job, they want to talk to their boss, they're going to get them fired.. etc, etc... |
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b9
whatever..
Joined: Aug 15, 2008
Posts: 2072
Location: australia
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| Posted: Sun Jul 12, 2009 10:32 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Do you ever ask people "what did you want to hear?" |
if people do not like what i say they are of no interest to me and i do not want to know what they want to hear.
if i know what they want to hear it means nothing to me unless i can say it.
they may as well move on and look elsewhere if i cannot say what they want to hear.
i am not going to lie about my being or fake anything in order to keep someone who is not like me close to me. |
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