Secrets, lying

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Joined: 11 Jul 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,837

14 Jul 2009, 11:40 pm

^ Hmmm, so that's why lawyers are still Practicing Law :lol:

Truth is, that I inevitably result to premature disclosure.

Yep, that guy that you once asked :what time is it"

and the next thing you knew, you were late.

Well that was probably me. (sorry)

Next time, Best thing to do is

ask me what time it is again

I might get the hint lol

One thing is for dam sure, I will give you the correct time - whether I want to or not!

I was told at a very young age that lies are very hard to remember

and if you can remember them, then they remember you.

I found this to be very true, so I try to live by it.

BTW, They haven't put me on a cross yet.

studentM
Velociraptor

Joined: 8 Jul 2009
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 485
Location: Wasatch Mountains

15 Jul 2009, 9:03 am

The aspie in my life lies about having friends - which I don't understand at all. He says he has none, and he goes on and on about how friendless he is, how lonely he is, how no one will talk to him, how no one will do anything with him.

Then, the next thing I know, he's chatting with a friend on facebook, or he's cooking dinner for friends, or he's going to a birthday party for a friend, or he's flying to Europe to help friends start a business.

I don't get it.

emptyenvelope
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 10 Dec 2008
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 37

19 Jul 2009, 3:51 pm

I used to be very upfront and tell all to everyone. Now I've swerved the other way and try not to tell much at all. I'm in a difficult social situation right now, where I *have* to relay important info and act 'right' socially. It's stressing me out terribly.

Justcurious
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 22 Jul 2009
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 41
Location: UK

24 Jul 2009, 4:43 pm

This forum is interesting, alot of interesting discussions.

I find I lie all the time as it is useful, an example would be that I lost my job but telling people that leads to questions where as lying can allow you to respond to a question like "how's things" with an answer like "same old same old".

True it can lead to difficulties which being honest avoids but if it means less invasive interaction then it is a small price to pay.

I don't like discussing personal things so anything that can deflect probing questions is useful.

Marsian
Deinonychus

Joined: 20 Jul 2009
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 302
Location: East Ldn, UK

29 Jul 2009, 11:46 am

Sometimes there is no choice but to lie even though I'm a rubbish liar.

(That said, the secret to lying, is NOT to make too much or too direct eye-contact whilst lying. Too much eye contact can lead NTs to know straightaway that you are lying).

I find that if I don't lie about the way that I am I have problems with other people calling me weird. Especially because I never have relationships, I don't have kids and I find different things interesting to most people.

I have been so upset by it before, especially before I even knew what AS was. Now I just keep myself to myself because I don't want other people to know about me and be able to hurt me because of it.

Sam x

peterd
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Dec 2006
Age: 71
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,347

30 Jul 2009, 4:09 am

I've always thought that selective revelation of the rules is one of the forces that binds social structures together.

Perhaps that's just because I never guessed at their existence during my first four or five decades.

I remember listening to my mum, as the sort of small child who trails along with their mum, telling a story first to one person, then to another, and suffering great confusion because the story changed with the telling and my telling of the discrepancies wasn't welcome. Lying by omission is far more beneficial than the other sort. That's what keeping quiet is, perhaps. I always believed it was risk management.

What about saying what you believe but being wrong? Is that better, or worse, than lying? What about those ethical supermen who can believe in two incompatible systems at once?

willmark
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 13 May 2009
Age: 73
Gender: Male
Posts: 571

30 Jul 2009, 2:20 pm

studentM wrote:

I am wondering whether your definition of what constitutes a friend, and his don't jibe.

studentM
Velociraptor

Joined: 8 Jul 2009
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 485
Location: Wasatch Mountains

30 Jul 2009, 4:03 pm

willmark wrote:

I am wondering whether your definition of what constitutes a friend, and his don't jibe.

That's a very real possibility. There's lots of confusion in our communication, so it wouldn't surprise me in the least.

Susie123
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 15 Aug 2009
Age: 63
Gender: Female
Posts: 73

17 Aug 2009, 7:50 pm

FiveEggsIn wrote:

My husband with AS is this way. If his intent is to lie then he is a very poor lier, and he doesn't attempt it often. If his intent is to answer only as much as he wants to be known, he speaks in loopholes and technically accurate and very short statements that are easily misinterpreted and allows people to draw their own conclusions.

When he knows or could reasonably predict that the person's assumption will be wrong and he has any level of obligation to accurately answer the question, then I consider it lying by omission. I consider any question from a spouse to be an obligation of full-disclosure, making it a responsibility on the questioner, too, to not be annoying with the questions.

A big problem for us is that we have an agreed upon and recognized status quo, but if it changes then there's an expectation that the person with the knowledge of the change will bring it to the attention of the other. How much money is spent, who is coming and going in the house, where we go during the day...

When my husband kisses me and says he's leaving in the morning, grabs his work supplies, and heads out the door it is understood that he's on his way to work. When I ask if he has any meetings or plans at work, it is understood that I'm asking when I can expect him to be unavailable because we've discussed this. When I have need to call him at work and am unable to get in touch with him for hours and see that he hasn't checked his work emails, I start to worry if he got in an accident or if something else happened. When he calls me hours later to say that he had decided the night before to drop off the car, run some errands, etc this morning, which is far outside his normal routine, I get angry. He had this information, he could reasonably believe I would worry if he wasn't at work, and he should have volunteered it when he was leaving. His standard answer is that it didn't come up. It is frustrating when he didn't think of it, but I consider it lying by omission if he did and decided not to share it at the time, for whatever reason. We have conversations on tons of topics and varying levels of importance that boil down to the same theme.

I sometimes feel like I'm playing a game of 21 questions just to get essential information. It makes trying to communicate frustrating and at times I decide whether or not to pursue a conversation just based on the emotional energy it will take to do so with patience and love compared to how much emotional energy I have at the time. From his side of things, he completely doesn't see my problem because he wouldn't be distressed if the same course of events happened to him and it is like everyone and everything is categorized into little boxes and file cabinets in his brain and if he's got one open, he isn't consulting the others. We haven't found a balance on how to keep the conversations open but not overwhelming for both of us yet as we tend to go from too much to too little still.

I understand how you feel. My husband does the same thing, plus he's an excellent liar. However, I am getting really good now at dissecting his patterns to know when he's lying.

Jaythefordman
Raven
Raven

Joined: 26 Aug 2009
Age: 53
Gender: Male
Posts: 117
Location: Perth, Australia

26 Sep 2009, 1:23 am

A really bad habit I have got into, is to lie to avoid confrontation. I suck at it, but default mode will be to say anything to avoid grief, especially if I know the truth will hurt the person I love. I have no idea where I have learnt this, though I suspect my parents may hold the key here.

A trying to train myself out of this habit as it has had a bad effect on my marriage. I give a stock answer of what I think she wants to hear, usually in personal/emotional areas, mainly to avoid the stress of the conversation that will follow. I don't do emotion well at all, especially anger, so I will attempt to avoid this. Unfortunately the flip side to this is that it as had a huge impact on the respect I get from my partner who now has little faith in my honesty. Not a good position for any marriage to be in, let me tell you.

However, with the realisation that it is highly likely I have aspergers and with that some explanation of my behaviour, we are pulling back from the brink and I am changing my programming. So, touch wood, I will find myself in a better world.

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