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bobbins
Butterfly
Joined: Feb 20, 2006
Posts: 12
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 Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2006 2:53 pm Post subject: Should I take the plunge????? |
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Hi, I am an NT girlie, who has found a truly amazing and wonderful aspie. I have always enjoyed his company very much, adn have found myself falling in love with him,..we share many many things in common, although I am older than him, with children... Am I heading for disaster, or am I being unfair to him???? We can talk honestly, but I am trying not to put too much pressure on him. I have been doing as much research into aspergers as I can, and have a fair understanding, but at the end of the day, am I any good to him, or too much or a problem..
Any help, advice, would be very gratefully recieved!!!  |
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Aspie_Chav
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 07, 2006
Age: 36
Posts: 2465
Location: Croydon
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| Posted: Tue Feb 21, 2006 12:56 am Post subject: |
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In this world gone wrong, you could do worse then date someone younger then yourself, while having children. Your and his age is irrelevant unless his below the age of consent or he has any intent in having children in future. Just like NT, what Aspies want as they get older can change. I never wanted children when I was younger, but now I do.
How old and him maybe I could give you some advice on the pitfalls of your relationship with him. |
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bobbins
Butterfly
Joined: Feb 20, 2006
Posts: 12
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| Posted: Tue Feb 21, 2006 4:22 am Post subject: taking the plunge.... |
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Thanks for your reply, actually because I had found this site, I had a really frank discussion with Aspie, lasted until the early hours. I am 9 years older than him, he is mid twenties so Im not child snatching!!!!. He is the most kind, loyal, sesitive and honest man I have ever met, and its for this reason I dont want to hurt him, although he says that in the event of a split, I would suffer much more than him. He seems to compartmentalise between work and home, which I misread I think!!!
Any advice would be very welcome indeed..
Thanks!!  |
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fantastic
Emu Egg
Joined: Feb 21, 2006
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Tue Feb 21, 2006 2:46 pm Post subject: |
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a ad a ssd
Last edited by fantastic on Sun Feb 26, 2006 9:25 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Aspie_Chav
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 07, 2006
Age: 36
Posts: 2465
Location: Croydon
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| Posted: Tue Feb 21, 2006 3:12 pm Post subject: |
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This seems like a healthy relationship to me, some Aspies are known to date woman much older.
I have an interest an Aspie woman who is 20 ,and as some Aspies do she look younger. I would of found it a bit daft to date a 20 year old NT for a start they tend to lie allot, and the chances are they would lie about their age. But because we have more in common with any NT at any age I don’t care what anyone may say. If it does not work, I would be right gutted because women like her, I don’t meet every day.
I would keep an eye on this post, some other Aspies my have other things to say. |
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fantastic
Emu Egg
Joined: Feb 21, 2006
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2006 9:28 am Post subject: |
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sounds like its tuff with you being asingle mum....what do the kidz think?
sorry, new to this forum stiff, so apologies for my typin...
Last edited by fantastic on Wed Mar 01, 2006 1:58 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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ozymandias
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 05, 2004
Posts: 548
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| Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2006 1:16 pm Post subject: Re: Should I take the plunge????? |
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| bobbins wrote: | Hi, I am an NT girlie, who has found a truly amazing and wonderful aspie. I have always enjoyed his company very much, adn have found myself falling in love with him,..we share many many things in common, although I am older than him, with children... Am I heading for disaster, or am I being unfair to him???? We can talk honestly, but I am trying not to put too much pressure on him. I have been doing as much research into aspergers as I can, and have a fair understanding, but at the end of the day, am I any good to him, or too much or a problem..
Any help, advice, would be very gratefully recieved!!! |
As long as you approach this as honestly and as open as you can, I can only say give it a shot.
Everybody deserves a chance to be happy, as long as everybody has realistic expectations and goals.
Peace |
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bobbins
Butterfly
Joined: Feb 20, 2006
Posts: 12
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| Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 7:12 pm Post subject: should I take the plunge??? |
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Just in reply to my previous post, I have, well in as much that I have completely fallen for my aspie, it is certainly a different relationship, but a very honest one!!!I really do love him more for his aspie ness. He is an amazing guy, although I am sitting by my phone hoping he will call,when I know he wont because Ive said to only call when he has time!!!! Ho hum.... Any thoughts or advice with how to read his mind, when I feel that e may have gone off me, when probaly he is just doing his own thing????
Ta |
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bobbins
Butterfly
Joined: Feb 20, 2006
Posts: 12
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| Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 7:15 pm Post subject: |
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| fantastic wrote: | sounds like its tuff with you being asingle mum....what do the kidz think?
sorry, new to this forum stiff, so apologies for my typin... |
The children dont know, although they do know him, adn fell very comfortable with him I think.. He is a very gentle person, and he shares all my interests too(which are quite unusual!).. My children are veyr empathic, and care greatly for others, and I believe will be happy if I am! |
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redvelvet
Deinonychus
Joined: Dec 02, 2005
Posts: 356
Location: England
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| Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 11:42 am Post subject: |
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How old are your children?? Most Aspies can't take stress very well, and children can be stressful. How is he after a few hours with them? does he need time to be alone and rest, get his mind together, and if he does, do you and the kids mind that he has alone time.
What is he like in every day situations, shoppping trips etc, if he doesn't like shopping are you happy to do this on your own? How does he get on with crowds and noise etc.
Dating an Aspie is one thing but living with one can be something completely different.
Some make great fathers and dads, some make great husbands and lovers. because they are usually gentle and caring. I'm married to one so I know what I'm talking about. He tries to be the social butterfly and succeeds very well. Notice the word tries. But he does get stressed very easily. But my husband is very aspie. He doesn't read body language or hear inflections in the voice, doesn't know the difference between when someone is joking and not, he has to be told it's a joke first. He does have facial expressions, but they don't always correspond to what he is saying, or feeling. He may want to show physical affection, but he very rarely does so. he doesn't mind crowds or noise. Compulsive talker.
My daughters boyfriend also an Aspie is a lot different, caring, gentle and patient yes, just different. He shows some facial expression, and he gets it right to what he is saying and I think feeling. He gets most jokes, easily flustered. But he does show my daughter physical affection. He doesn't like a lot of noise and can be uncomfortable with crowds. Usually only talks when he has something specific to say or asked a direct question.
Both are extremely intelligent, and even witty. both are very good company.
They are all different, but you get differences in NT men also. But an Aspie man is not at all like an NT man. And will never be. They may show some NT qualities, but this is usually things they have learned, very rarely is it natural.
Good communication is very important.
You know your Aspie, and they all have wonderful qualities, but they all have different qualities,
Are his qualities things that will enhance your life or make it harder?
I will check this post, it will be interesting to see what others say.
I'll also be thinking of you. 
_________________
You never know whats around the corner. or who? |
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bobbins
Butterfly
Joined: Feb 20, 2006
Posts: 12
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| Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 12:20 pm Post subject: should i take the plunge... |
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Hi
I have to say that he is very kind, gentle, and affectionate, but yes he does seem to get very stressed.. I then back off, which works very well, but if I am feeling needy then I do struggle...
My relationship with him has developed from a very good friendship toits current state only in the last 4 weeks, and although my children know him very well, I havent exposed them to each other to be able to judge.. The problem is you cant choose who you fall in love with.. Iam a very expressive tactile, emotional and intuitive person, but he is too, although needs support to show his feelings.. I do worry, because I dont want to show him my needy side for fear of frighteneing him off, although he has handled crisis very well..
All very tricky and new for both of us.. He does surprise me though wityh his logical matter of fact conversations though, seems very clear with his wishes, talks about us as a 'we'
On the positive though, he is very good in social situations, we have mutual friends who are extrovert and he is witty, funny aand an absolute joy to be with, but he has clear work /life boundaries..
Tell me, do I be myself, and put pressure on him, or adapt myself to him... I almost think I know the answer!!!!! |
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alex
Developer
Joined: Jun 14, 2004
Age: 23
Posts: 6492
Location: DC Metro Area (No. VA)
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| Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 12:38 pm Post subject: |
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I'd say you should go for it! I think you have to look down deep to decide if YOU know it's what you want.
By the way, how old is he? If he's 30 and you're 39 for instance, I don't see it as that big of a deal. If he's 20 something though, I can see why you'd be more hesitant.
Hope this advice helps. Good luck.  |
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bobbins
Butterfly
Joined: Feb 20, 2006
Posts: 12
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| Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 12:47 pm Post subject: Should I take the plunge? |
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Hi
He is mid twenties, hence my concern....All I know is I have never felt this way about someone before, but obviously undersatnding his feelings is more( or less) complicated1!!
Maybe I am too much trouble... |
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Bubbles
Emu Egg
Joined: Mar 02, 2006
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 1:04 pm Post subject: |
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As a parent I have to say I am shocked at your lack of self control. You’re a grown woman and you seem to live in a fairy tail.
Either you are very immature and do not realise the effects your relationship will have or you are not thinking straight.
It sounds to me that you have more underlying issues. You mention being needy, you have children and you are thinking of getting involved in a relationship that is not going to be plain sailing.
All new relationships seem magical and common sense goes out of the window, you need to take a long hard look at yourself. Because my gut feeling is you are about to make the biggest mistake of your life.
Bubbles |
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redvelvet
Deinonychus
Joined: Dec 02, 2005
Posts: 356
Location: England
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| Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 2:18 pm Post subject: |
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People with Aspergers do seem to make commitments very quickly, well the ones I know anyway.
But it's best to take things a bit slower, get to know him better first. You could still be looking at him through rose coloured glasses, as NTs do with a new relationship. Aspies might do this too. It's best to take it slow and know your not making a mistake, take time to find your making the right choices. instead of rushing into a mistake.
My marriage is only as good as it is because it took a lot of hard work, and only recently have we learned about Aspergers. 24 years was spent not knowing about it. You have the advantage that you know about Aspergers, but us NTs will never really understand, we can only try to understand.
keep you're good communication open, take it slow, and get to know each other really well, and let him get to know your kids.
Also because of the age difference, he doesn't need a career or mother, please don't be offended, you say this is real love, always remember he is a man, with his own needs, wants and desires, these won't always be a (normal) mans needs, wants and desires. Other times they will be, he will always want and deserve respect.
_________________
You never know whats around the corner. or who? |
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