wanttolearn
Emu Egg
Joined: Nov 01, 2010
Posts: 6
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 Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 2:25 pm Post subject: Can't tell if he likes me, suspect aspergers -help! |
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Four months ago I met a guy who is my age (3 , never been married, and seems to have no obvious previous relationships. I asked him out first, he agreed, we met at out to watch a ball game. That night, I left feeling like he was completely uninterested, with "huh" kind of running through my mind. Was unlike any first "date" I'd ever had. Usually you can get some idea of whether or not a guy likes you/is interested. Texted him thanks the next day (he told me up front that he doesn't like to talk on the phone) saying to let me know if he ever wanted to do it again. He responded immediately that we could hang out again -- and we have, almost every Saturday night since. After spending time with him and still not being able to figure out if he is AT ALL interested, I started wondering if there might be something deeper than just being shy/arrogant/disinterested. He is very focused on his job, seems he keeps himself so busy with that that he doesn't have time to form personal relationships. He has a very small circle of friends (his best friend is a guy he's know since the sixth grade), he loves his little dog, doesn't go out much, most Saturdays we get together at his house, almost always with one of his two close friends present, watch sports and drink. That seems to be what he does when not working. He's not much of a conversationalist -- if you ask a direct question, he'll answer, but he rarely asks questions of me and small talk doesn't happen. He doesn't make eye contact continually, it'll be brief and then he looks away, he likes to have the room dark, he doesn't touch me much (we have slept together, and he seems to enjoy that, but it doesn't seem to be as important to him like I'm accustomed). He loosens up and talks more after he's been drinking. He seems to take a lot in, but doesn't put much out there. I'm always the one to text/initiate communication first -- but he always responds immediately (and it seems it's that way with his friends too). And I'm the one who suggests getting together each weekend -- but he always agrees. I feel like if he weren't interested, he'd have blown me off by now? After four months, I still can't get a read on whether he's interested in me, and I'm hoping maybe someone here can shed some light. Is it possible that he may have aspergers? From the things I've read, he seems to have a lot of the signs. I really like him but am not sure what to do now -- ask him if he likes me at all? If he cares that I'm around? |
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Pondering
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 25, 2010
Posts: 1545
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| Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 2:59 pm Post subject: |
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| I feel the way you described his behavior is quite accurate to how I am often like with my girlfriend. |
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wanttolearn
Emu Egg
Joined: Nov 01, 2010
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 3:06 pm Post subject: |
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| thanks, Pondering. so it's possible that he is interested in me? I keep thinking that I need to be patient and keep doing what I'm doing, even though at this point I feel like I'm doing all of the "giving" and most days I wonder if he's thinking "I wish she would just go away!" I don't want to be a pest! |
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Pondering
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 25, 2010
Posts: 1545
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| Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 3:33 pm Post subject: |
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| It is possible. He is spending time with you. You have even fallen asleep together. I see no reason why not to ask if you are now close. It certainly seems better than keeping it inside you, always wondering. |
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HopeGrows
Nobody's Fool
Joined: Nov 06, 2009
Posts: 1565
Location: In exactly the right place at exactly the right time.
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| Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 4:44 pm Post subject: |
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I don't understand your perspective on dating, OP. You're okay sleeping with this guy, but you're not okay having a conversation with him? Why are you willing to sleep with a guy you can't even talk to?
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What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...
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DigitalDesperado
Blue Jay
Joined: Oct 13, 2010
Posts: 85
Location: stuck at ground level - but trying to soar
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| Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 8:25 pm Post subject: |
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By your description, it appears that he could have AS. If so, it's going to be difficult to tell if he is absolutely head over heals in love with you or just interested.
You may have to be direct with him about his feelings for you to find out , Just be aware that asking him directly can backfire if he feels pressured. And you have to understand that what you see is what you get with him, he is not going to change. It won't be a "typical" relationship ,but it's very possible that he is well worth the extra effort. |
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conan
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 14, 2009
Age: 26
Posts: 783
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| Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 9:17 pm Post subject: |
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| i think you should just tell him |
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wanttolearn
Emu Egg
Joined: Nov 01, 2010
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 3:07 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks, all -- lots of food for thought for me. If there's one thing I've learned, that is there is no changing anyone, people are who they are, so I'm not expecting to even try doing that. I'm willing to be patient and see where this goes. I think I'm reluctant to talk with him about his feelings out of fear of it backfiring (probably some damage on my part from previous relationships, does make me reflect on my perspective on dating, HopeGrows). I welcome the advice! |
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HopeGrows
Nobody's Fool
Joined: Nov 06, 2009
Posts: 1565
Location: In exactly the right place at exactly the right time.
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| Posted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 4:35 pm Post subject: |
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What struck me about your post OP, is the absence of YOU in it. As in...what do you want out of this relationship? This guy could be head over heels for you, could consider you a FWB, could not be sure what to make of you, etc. If he is Aspie, its gonna be up to you to start all the conversations about the relationship, your goals, your feelings, etc.
But asking the question - or even telling him what you're hoping for - is something you're allowed to do. If you two want the same kind of relationship, you're going to have to define your needs explicitly to him - and never assume he understands anything you haven't stated very clearly.
You're going to have to be the leader here, so you've got to be comfortable with that - and you've got to be okay with expressing your needs (which implies you have to be okay with having them). Good luck.
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What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...
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wanttolearn
Emu Egg
Joined: Nov 01, 2010
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 12:00 pm Post subject: |
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| Wow, HopeGrows, you really got me thinking! Thank you! I would have to say that I find myself thinking, "I'd like to get to know him, I'd like to feel closer to him, I want to have a relationship with him" so I, underneath it all, know what I want out of it. I went through a bad breakup three years ago that I think has left me pretty skittish. After I read your post last night, I got to thinking about it and came to the conclusion that I'm so terrified of hurting like that again that I probably sabotage my own relationships, keep people at arms length. That's why I'm reluctant to ask him outright -- I'm afraid of the rejection. It became clear to me after reading what you wrote that, if I want to have any sort of relationship with him, that I was going to have to face that fear and be direct. I'm a naturally shy person, tend to wait for others to make the first move, but it can't (if he's Aspie, which I suspect but still don't know definitely, that adds to my fear) expect that will happen with him. Time for me to step up -- anyone have any advice/tips on how best to pick the "right" moment to do that? |
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CrinklyCrustacean
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 23, 2009
Posts: 1223
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| Posted: Thu Nov 04, 2010 7:08 am Post subject: |
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| wanttolearn wrote: | | Time for me to step up |
Good for you! There is no shame in the girl asking out the boy for once.  |
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wanttolearn
Emu Egg
Joined: Nov 01, 2010
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Thu Dec 16, 2010 4:30 pm Post subject: |
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| Well, it's been a couple of months and now I'm curious to see what you all think -- not much has changed, except..I've asked how he feels twice now and gotten two interesting answers that have left me confused, or at least wondering if I should just take the answers as they are. I still suspect Aspergers, but can't help but wonder sometimes if he's just an uninterested in me guy! However, I go back to the idea that it's been 6 months, and an uninterested in me guy would've figured out a way to blow me off completely by now! So...here's what I asked. First time, in person, asked him (after spending the evening working up the courage to ask!) simply "do you like me at all?" His answer was "of course I do, I wouldn't sleep with you if I didn't, I don't do that!" I was surprised, too surprised to ask any further questions. Second time was last week, texted him, asking "do you like having me around, because I don't want to be a pest and keep asking you to hang out if you're thinking "eh, not so much"?" Basically, I didn't want him to, when he gets a message from me, think "oh god, her again...". His response to that (immediately) was "I don't mind having you around" I wasn't sure what to make of that -- I wasn't expecting a declaration of love, or him to say how much he'd miss me if I weren't around, but that one confused me. I gave him the perfect opportunity to back out and never have to hear from me again, but that wasn't what he did. Would a response like "I don't mind having you around" be typical of someone with Aspergers, and what should I do now?? |
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Lene
born to lurk
Joined: Nov 28, 2007
Posts: 3543
Location: East China Sea
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| Posted: Thu Dec 16, 2010 5:59 pm Post subject: |
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It's probably 'typical'.
However, my advice would be to remove the 'aspie-tinted' glasses for a second, filter out any idea that his behaviour is caused by aspergers and simply ask yourself are you happy in the relationship? If not, and if you're completely stressed out over basic things like knowing if he even likes you, then is this relationship suited to you? Or are you prepared to go your whole life checking if it's 'aspie' behaviour before knowing what to think about it?
End of the day, it's his behaviour. And if Aspergers(tm) didn't exist, it'd still be his behaviour. There's no need to wear kid gloves around him; if his answer confused you, ask for clarification from him. He's the only one who knows what goes on in his head.
And if you feel you cannot ask him for clarification, for whatever reason, then that's a huge stumbling block. Communication is so important in a relationship, regardless of whether one partner has AS. |
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wanttolearn
Emu Egg
Joined: Nov 01, 2010
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Fri Dec 17, 2010 11:03 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks, Lene. All good points, have got me thinking. I think it boils down to the fact that I really like him, and don't want to give up on anything too quickly if he does indeed have aspergers, knowing that that may mean it takes longer to move the relationship along. I also don't want to put pressure on him -- I think women are very conditioned to not have "the talk", that that's the sure thing to scaring a guy away. I'm struggling with that a little here too. I think that's why I inquire as to the meaning of he "doesn't mind having me around" Bottom line, I could be happy in the relationship if I understood things a little better -- what he's thinking. |
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Harpist
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Nov 13, 2010
Age: 21
Posts: 30
Location: Bath, England
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| Posted: Fri Dec 17, 2010 1:46 pm Post subject: |
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| wanttolearn wrote: | | Second time was last week, texted him, asking "do you like having me around, because I don't want to be a pest and keep asking you to hang out if you're thinking "eh, not so much"?" Basically, I didn't want him to, when he gets a message from me, think "oh god, her again...". His response to that (immediately) was "I don't mind having you around" I wasn't sure what to make of that -- I wasn't expecting a declaration of love, or him to say how much he'd miss me if I weren't around, but that one confused me. I gave him the perfect opportunity to back out and never have to hear from me again, but that wasn't what he did. Would a response like "I don't mind having you around" be typical of someone with Aspergers, and what should I do now?? |
It seems like a fairly typical response to me. You asked the question and he gave a very blunt answer worded in a similar manner to how the question was worded. Personally I do that a lot. All you can be guaranteed to find out from asking a question is what the question explicitly asks for. |
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