Kazami
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: May 26, 2006
Posts: 35
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 Posted: Sat Jun 24, 2006 8:21 pm Post subject: |
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| Beenthere wrote: | Kazami...you need to meet her IRL. You need to spend time together...marriage is 24/7....you are dealing with someone else who isn't you, who may have the same interests and beliefs...but doesn't think like you, may not always understand you... and maybe has a few habits that will drive you up a wall...and vice-versa...you need to know if you are truly a perfect match for each other or will drive each other insane with time.
I don't want to sound discouraging...I truly hope you've found your "soulmate"...but you definately don't want to rush anything. |
I understand where you're comming from. The majority of ppl that marry nowadays don't marry for true love, so everyone uses that as the basis for every relationship situation. But her and I are in love... at least as in love as 2 ppl can get that never met IRL before. Sure we've never met IRL yet, we've known each other for 2 whole years. We never get mad at each other and we always understand each other. We're a lot more compatable than anyone I've ever known that got married.
And we wasn't planning on rushing into anything... we're planning on going on real dates IRL. But we're eventually getting married no matter what. |
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hale_bopp
All Kinds of Freak
Joined: Nov 03, 2004
Age: 28
Posts: 14837
Location: New Zealand
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| Posted: Sat Jun 24, 2006 9:05 pm Post subject: |
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You do realise when You meet someone IRL your feelings can immediately change?
I'm speaking from experience.
Online is not real life, it's very different. |
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Beenthere
10 Miles South of Sanity
Joined: Dec 30, 2005
Age: 46
Posts: 2245
Location: Pa.
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| Posted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 1:22 am Post subject: |
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Wish you the best Kazami  ... go for it...just keep your eyes wide open okay?  |
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Kazami
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: May 26, 2006
Posts: 35
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| Posted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 5:13 am Post subject: |
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| hale_bopp wrote: | You do realise when You meet someone IRL your feelings can immediately change?
I'm speaking from experience.
Online is not real life, it's very different. |
Actually, I've experienced something like that too, except through the phone.
And BTW, I talked to her about this today. She said "It might be a little different, but I know we'll adjust and everything will be better than before."... take that however you want. |
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TheMachine1
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Joined: Jun 12, 2006
Posts: 9092
Location: 9099 will be my last post...what the hell 9011 will be.
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| Posted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 6:03 am Post subject: |
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Please delete all my posts.
Last edited by TheMachine1 on Thu Jun 29, 2006 4:23 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Saraswathi
Raven
Joined: Apr 27, 2006
Posts: 107
Location: New Zealand
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| Posted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 7:03 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | I understand where you're comming from. The majority of ppl that marry nowadays don't marry for true love, so everyone uses that as the basis for every relationship situation. But her and I are in love... at least as in love as 2 ppl can get that never met IRL before. Sure we've never met IRL yet, we've known each other for 2 whole years. We never get mad at each other and we always understand each other. We're a lot more compatable than anyone I've ever known that got married.
And we wasn't planning on rushing into anything... we're planning on going on real dates IRL. But we're eventually getting married no matter what. |
Good luck, I truly hope things work out for you. I've been criticised for an online relationship, because most people still have a lot of trouble believing that something like this can be 'real'. Until recently, so did I. I find it ironic that some people would think it more proper had I met a man in a bar, had a couple of dates, and brought him back home to sleep with me - rather than build up a relationship involving countless hours of in depth conversation, of a quality which rarely happens IRL first dates in my experience.
Relationships are a lot of hard work, and you can think of the time you have now as putting in the groundwork. To be sure, you'll probably go through a whole new period of getting to know eachother when you finally meet. For now, you could expand your relationship by sharing more photos, videos or web cam conversations, and phone or free voice-over-internet programs such as Skype.
I would be wary of thinking that you'll get married 'no matter what'. I was engaged for some years to a man I met, and we had a child together. We're no longer together - whether online or 'IRL' sometimes things just don't work out, so it's best to take each day as it comes. I don't think your relationship is disadvantaged or any less valid because of how you met; I just think it's important to keep your eyes open and enjoy it for what it is. All the best to you both. |
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Popsicle
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 01, 2006
Posts: 889
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| Posted: Mon Jun 26, 2006 3:59 am Post subject: |
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People can be (often are) so different in real life than they may seem on the internet. There are so many aspects of day to day life you cannot 'see' (literally) if you have never met the person.
Relationships aren't cut and dried - even with a lot of love and effort, they may not be meant to work out. Some people just do not mesh.
Frankly put, her emotional problems (taking your word on it) will mean she will be more emotionally needing/wanting from you in a relationship most likely. Not less. For an Aspie that may spell disaster. I'm sorry but, a very emotional person vs. an Aspie is a hard mix.
Sounds as if she's emotionally vulnerable but afraid of people. Once she gets to know you she may expect you to fulfill her emotionally... right now she's online because of her low self esteem. But it does not mean she will be happy with that level of interaction forever.
That plus the financial burden of being unemployed... It is better to recognise potential major stressors in advance, is all I am realy saying. I can't tell you what to do... but since you asked opinions, mine is, go for an emotionally independent woman, not an emotionally needy or damaged one. (I am not judging anyone - just being blunt.)
Neither person is wrong in who they are. But it just is an explosive mix. Also, marriage comes with very real bills. You have to be able to pay bills for both of you if she's not working. If you can't, well, most divorces are due to money problems. Sorry!
Now if you want to try regardless to be with her... at least you know the possible pitfalls going in. |
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SheDevil
Blue Jay
Joined: Apr 22, 2006
Posts: 79
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| Posted: Mon Jun 26, 2006 7:24 am Post subject: |
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I just want to throw in my $.02 here. I met an Aspie online and grew quite close after literally hours of online conversation. I do believe I know this person better than anyone else in his life (and visa versa).
I also learned a valuable lesson in this relationship. And while I am not proud of this fact, it is honest: IRL, I more than likely would not have given this person a second glance. To further compound my chagrin, I had hoped a live meeting would cool down my feelings. It did not, because I fell for the mind before we even met.
I will not pretend that I know this person well enough to want to live with him or even pursue a lasting romantic relationship, but my interest in definitely there. We are friends first. I hope I can be strong enough emotionally to push aside any romantic desires to cultivate this relationship and see where it is headed.
Oh, and FWIW, the fact he is Aspie and I am NT has little to do with this lesson.
SheDevil
w/ the NT perspective |
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emp
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 15, 2006
Posts: 1001
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| Posted: Tue Jun 27, 2006 12:14 am Post subject: |
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SheDevil -- Moral of the story is: Always ask for a photo before falling in love with someone, haha.
On a more serious note, you could always teach him to improve his appearance. Many people look bad for no reason other than failing to make an effort, or being clueless about appearances, or failing to exercise and eat properly. |
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SheDevil
Blue Jay
Joined: Apr 22, 2006
Posts: 79
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| Posted: Tue Jun 27, 2006 7:08 am Post subject: |
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Heard and acknowledged on the photo, and, if only I knew then what I know now, what to say and what not to say 
Perhaps I did not phrase things clearly (NT habit  ) His appearance is fine, just not the "type" of person that normally attracts me. Even had we met in a social situation, chances are the eye contact would have not been there, nor any of our wonderful conversations.
This whole experience made me realize how superficial I really had become. Please keep in mind, I am not talking about overt meanness on my part towards others, just that somehow I had become sucked into admiring the wrappings and not the present.
Peace,
SheDevil |
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Kazami
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: May 26, 2006
Posts: 35
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| Posted: Tue Jun 27, 2006 7:51 am Post subject: |
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First of all, thank you all for your opinions and input.
| Saraswathi wrote: | Good luck, I truly hope things work out for you. I've been criticised for an online relationship, because most people still have a lot of trouble believing that something like this can be 'real'. Until recently, so did I. I find it ironic that some people would think it more proper had I met a man in a bar, had a couple of dates, and brought him back home to sleep with me - rather than build up a relationship involving countless hours of in depth conversation, of a quality which rarely happens IRL first dates in my experience.
Relationships are a lot of hard work, and you can think of the time you have now as putting in the groundwork. To be sure, you'll probably go through a whole new period of getting to know eachother when you finally meet. For now, you could expand your relationship by sharing more photos, videos or web cam conversations, and phone or free voice-over-internet programs such as Skype.
I would be wary of thinking that you'll get married 'no matter what'. I was engaged for some years to a man I met, and we had a child together. We're no longer together - whether online or 'IRL' sometimes things just don't work out, so it's best to take each day as it comes. I don't think your relationship is disadvantaged or any less valid because of how you met; I just think it's important to keep your eyes open and enjoy it for what it is. All the best to you both. |
Yeah, we've already discussed "getting to know each other" when we first meet IRL. And we shared lots of photos already, and we talk on the phone almost every day(we both have one of them "call anywhere" phone plans). A webcam sounds like a good next-step, though.
| Popsicle wrote: | People can be (often are) so different in real life than they may seem on the internet. There are so many aspects of day to day life you cannot 'see' (literally) if you have never met the person.
Relationships aren't cut and dried - even with a lot of love and effort, they may not be meant to work out. Some people just do not mesh.
Frankly put, her emotional problems (taking your word on it) will mean she will be more emotionally needing/wanting from you in a relationship most likely. Not less. For an Aspie that may spell disaster. I'm sorry but, a very emotional person vs. an Aspie is a hard mix.
Sounds as if she's emotionally vulnerable but afraid of people. Once she gets to know you she may expect you to fulfill her emotionally... right now she's online because of her low self esteem. But it does not mean she will be happy with that level of interaction forever.
That plus the financial burden of being unemployed... It is better to recognise potential major stressors in advance, is all I am realy saying. I can't tell you what to do... but since you asked opinions, mine is, go for an emotionally independent woman, not an emotionally needy or damaged one. (I am not judging anyone - just being blunt.)
Neither person is wrong in who they are. But it just is an explosive mix. Also, marriage comes with very real bills. You have to be able to pay bills for both of you if she's not working. If you can't, well, most divorces are due to money problems. Sorry!
Now if you want to try regardless to be with her... at least you know the possible pitfalls going in. |
Actually, for an Aspie, I want an emotional relationship and commitment. And about her... she's not afraid of ppl at all. She actually has a solid group of friends that date back to high school.
And our will for this relationship is possibly the strongest thing about it. I wouldn't exactly call it an obsession, but she said multiple times that without me, her life wouldn't be the same and that it'd be meaningless. As for me... I love her more than I loved anyone. Now don't take this as some love-blind statement, but most reasons for relationships not to work out or reasons for devorces most likely won't apply here. Especially considering that most ppl that marry aren't truely in love either(at least here in the US)
| SheDevil wrote: | I just want to throw in my $.02 here. I met an Aspie online and grew quite close after literally hours of online conversation. I do believe I know this person better than anyone else in his life (and visa versa).
I also learned a valuable lesson in this relationship. And while I am not proud of this fact, it is honest: IRL, I more than likely would not have given this person a second glance. To further compound my chagrin, I had hoped a live meeting would cool down my feelings. It did not, because I fell for the mind before we even met.
I will not pretend that I know this person well enough to want to live with him or even pursue a lasting romantic relationship, but my interest in definitely there. We are friends first. I hope I can be strong enough emotionally to push aside any romantic desires to cultivate this relationship and see where it is headed.
Oh, and FWIW, the fact he is Aspie and I am NT has little to do with this lesson.
SheDevil
w/ the NT perspective |
Well, I think I need to explain a few things about her first, to make things clear on her attentions now that I explained more of mine.
First, let me say that she has a very childish outlook on everything. She has childlike grammar and vocabulary, and even has childish likes and dislikes(example: likes Pokémon, dislikes things like coffee). She sees sexual relations as "being naughty" and a pre-requisite for having children(not that she finds anything wrong with it, mind you). She also don't belive in sex before marriage. This probably goes aginst the majority of what everyone belives in.
Anyway, a romantic relationship was never one of her goals, unlike most ppl. While most ppl are looking for mates, or at least someone attractive enough, she really hasn't been actively looking for a guy at all. She fell in love with me first, and she's just now opening up to the possibility for romance between us.
And thanks again everyone for your input  |
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