Space
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 03, 2006
Age: 29
Posts: 2256
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 Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 12:57 pm Post subject: lacking empathy creating roadblocks in relationships |
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At this point in my journey to get a successful relationship, I feel like I am starting to bottom out in my ability to be successful with women. I have been told that to really give a woman what she wants (and this is different for every woman), I need to be able to know what she is thinking.
Case in point: I have been dating a girl for 6 weeks or so, things are going fine. We have had sex a couple times, but, subsequently, we have been hanging out less than I would like, and she's turned me down for a sex a few times now. We do everything but have sex though, and all signs would indicate that she is sexually attracted to me, and wants to pursue a relationship. Specifically, last night: I make her a great gourmet meal... I look great, smell great, house is clean, atmosphere is great, everything. I haven't seen her in 12 days. We are watching a movie.... we start making out. Everything seems good... I try to initiate sex, and get her to my room. She keeps shaking her head and smiling saying "no" "let's just watch the movie".... eventually I give up. I feel rejected. Doesn't she want me? She leaves early to get some sleep, we kiss passionately, and then she leaves.
Okay, I don't know what she is thinking. I can read body language decently, and guess at what she may be thinking... but mostly my mind draws a blank. It just doesn't work like that.
My inability to read what women are thinking has hurt my chances for years. I am quite frustrated at this point. I wanted to talk about things in the open last night, and say "okay so what's going on? Why don't you want to sleep with me? I go to all this effort and you don't even care?" But, I took the passive approach because I was too stunned at the time and didn't want to say something I would regret, something that would possibly end our relationship then and there. I don't know wtf to do. |
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Mindslave
Jackass of all trades
Joined: Nov 15, 2010
Age: 24
Posts: 1818
Location: Where the wild things wish they were
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 1:11 pm Post subject: |
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| Women want you to be yourself. That way, they can be themselves. |
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TheygoMew
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 04, 2010
Posts: 1024
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 1:14 pm Post subject: |
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This may or may not make you feel better. I have noticed that most people actually are perplexed by what the opposite sex is thinking. Ever hear people who don't have autism get upset because they thought someone liked them because of social cues only to figure out the person was just being nice? I think we take it harsher than others because of the tendency to obsess and examine details more closely than others.
She may just not be ready for sex.
To men: Kissing...she is ready to have sex!
To women: Kissing...this is first base. I'm not sure if I want to have sex yet.
To men: I made her a gourmet meal, she's going to have sex with me!
To women: He's trying to impress me now but is this the real him? |
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MidlifeAspie
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 02, 2010
Posts: 3020
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 1:21 pm Post subject: |
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| You have been dating for 6 weeks but haven't seen her in 12 days? So really you have been dating for 4 weeks? From the outside looking in it would appear to me that you are not on the same page as to the depth of the relationship. |
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Janissy
Phoenix
Joined: May 06, 2009
Age: 46
Posts: 4852
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 1:22 pm Post subject: |
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Here's what she's thinking:
"I hope he stops trying to have sex with me before I have to actually tell him I have my period."
It's a guess. Could be wrong. Here's what my guess is based on:
1)She has had sex with you before. She enjoyed making out with you. She smiled at you. She kissed you passionately. But intercourse was off-limits this particular time.
2)You have been dating her for 6 weeks. That means she has had her period for about 3-5 days once and possibly twice during this time frame. You have had sex in the past so that increases the odds that the no-sex-because-of-menstruation time frame is happening right now.
3)Many men find the very concept of mentstruation unbearable. You and other men reading this might be getting queasy that I even brought it up. Women know this. That's why women often won't say "not now, I have my period" in the early months of a relationship. This concept has a weird effect on men. Women in the early stages of a relationship will instead try to hintingly discourage sex while still reassuring the man she finds him desirable- thus the passionate kissing and smiles.
If you stay in a relationship for longer than a month, this is going to happen every month unless by coincidence you never attempt sex during that 3-5 day window.So many men hate to think about this but it's a biological fact. |
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Space
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 03, 2006
Age: 29
Posts: 2256
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 1:29 pm Post subject: |
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| she said it was her period last time, so I just don't know... |
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mv
Protector of the Realm
Joined: Jun 18, 2010
Posts: 3131
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 1:30 pm Post subject: |
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| Janissy wrote: | Here's what she's thinking:
"I hope he stops trying to have sex with me before I have to actually tell him I have my period."
It's a guess. Could be wrong. Here's what my guess is based on:
1)She has had sex with you before. She enjoyed making out with you. She smiled at you. She kissed you passionately. But intercourse was off-limits this particular time.
2)You have been dating her for 6 weeks. That means she has had her period for about 3-5 days once and possibly twice during this time frame. You have had sex in the past so that increases the odds that the no-sex-because-of-menstruation time frame is happening right now.
3)Many men find the very concept of mentstruation unbearable. You and other men reading this might be getting queasy that I even brought it up. Women know this. That's why women often won't say "not now, I have my period" in the early months of a relationship. This concept has a weird effect on men. Women in the early stages of a relationship will instead try to hintingly discourage sex while still reassuring the man she finds him desirable- thus the passionate kissing and smiles.
If you stay in a relationship for longer than a month, this is going to happen every month unless by coincidence you never attempt sex during that 3-5 day window.So many men hate to think about this but it's a biological fact. |
This is exactly what I was thinking, too. And, on a more negative note, I was also thinking that it could be that you and she just don't click, sexually, though she obviously likes hanging out with you. |
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MidlifeAspie
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 02, 2010
Posts: 3020
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 1:32 pm Post subject: |
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She gave you a couple of shots, you weren't very good at it and she doesn't want to do it again. Sex is not the only barometer of a relationship. You should be appreciative that she is spending time with you.  |
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Space
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 03, 2006
Age: 29
Posts: 2256
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 1:48 pm Post subject: |
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| MidlifeAspie wrote: | | She gave you a couple of shots, you weren't very good at it and she doesn't want to do it again. Sex is not the only barometer of a relationship. You should be appreciative that she is spending time with you. |
okay that's pretty blunt  If she doesn't want to be with me, I don't care, just quit wasting my time. I know I'm good in bed. Great sex doesn't happen when you get laid once a month... |
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MidlifeAspie
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Joined: Nov 02, 2010
Posts: 3020
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 1:57 pm Post subject: |
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| Space wrote: | | If she doesn't want to be with me, I don't care, just quit wasting my time. |
Is sex all you want out of the relationship? If she isn't giving up the sex is she wasting your time? Is it possible that she senses this and that is why she won't have sex with you anymore? This is not how women want to be thought of or treated. Eventually one will come along and explain this better than I can. |
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Space
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 03, 2006
Age: 29
Posts: 2256
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 2:03 pm Post subject: |
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| MidlifeAspie wrote: | | Space wrote: | | If she doesn't want to be with me, I don't care, just quit wasting my time. |
Is sex all you want out of the relationship? If she isn't giving up the sex is she wasting your time? Is it possible that she senses this and that is why she won't have sex with you anymore? This is not how women want to be thought of or treated. Eventually one will come along and explain this better than I can. |
That's not all I want. I think I've done a lot of work so far, and have been patient with this one compared to others. On the other hand, sex is vital to me in a relationship. If the woman I am with doesn't want to f**k me, that hurts me. I can't imagine a woman feeling any different were the tables to turn.
I'm looking for an intimate physical relationship. If the other party isn't, then we are both wasting our time. |
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MidlifeAspie
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Joined: Nov 02, 2010
Posts: 3020
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 2:08 pm Post subject: |
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| After 4 weeks? Really? A woman will eventually come along and explain the problem with this better than I can. |
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mv
Protector of the Realm
Joined: Jun 18, 2010
Posts: 3131
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 2:37 pm Post subject: |
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Okay. MidlifeAspie, I think you did a fine job trying to explain how it's his attitude getting in the way. But I also sympathize with him, because I'm the same way (and I'm a woman). However, Space, the minute I realized that this is how I am, I STOPPED DATING. You know why? Because it's fine and good to stand up for your "needs" in a relationship, but not when they're that one-sided. You are bringing nothing to the table then.
This is my opinion. Take it for what it's worth. I have a lot of experience. And I'm only responding to what you've relayed here.
Do you really want her to sit you down and say, "Look, Space, I like you, you're fun to hang out with, but I really don't enjoy the sex we've had for [XYZ] reasons, and now I'm desperately hoping you'll get the hint and be satisfied with our platonic friendship." Most women I know would rather cut their own tongues out than say that to a man, if those women even had the capability of articulating it properly in their minds. {I'm different: I have said things like this to men and they've run screaming, as though I'm some unnatural wight.} Women're taught to p****-foot around it, instead. And do you honestly think that there's any corner of her mind that says, "Gee, I better step up my game with him because otherwise he'll find me worthless to hang out with. Of course his primary need is sex and that's what I'm here for"? This would be the thought of a high-school girl, responding to a high-school guy.
By the way, why don't you ask her what's going on in her head? The hard part is to do this in a sensitive way, so I get what you mean by the title of your thread.
I'm not criticizing you, I'm just trying to get you to look at your own attitude, because I've been down that road before. |
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Space
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 03, 2006
Age: 29
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 3:20 pm Post subject: |
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| mv wrote: | Okay. MidlifeAspie, I think you did a fine job trying to explain how it's his attitude getting in the way. But I also sympathize with him, because I'm the same way (and I'm a woman). However, Space, the minute I realized that this is how I am, I STOPPED DATING. You know why? Because it's fine and good to stand up for your "needs" in a relationship, but not when they're that one-sided. You are bringing nothing to the table then.
This is my opinion. Take it for what it's worth. I have a lot of experience. And I'm only responding to what you've relayed here.
Do you really want her to sit you down and say, "Look, Space, I like you, you're fun to hang out with, but I really don't enjoy the sex we've had for [XYZ] reasons, and now I'm desperately hoping you'll get the hint and be satisfied with our platonic friendship." Most women I know would rather cut their own tongues out than say that to a man, if those women even had the capability of articulating it properly in their minds. {I'm different: I have said things like this to men and they've run screaming, as though I'm some unnatural wight.} Women're taught to p****-foot around it, instead. And do you honestly think that there's any corner of her mind that says, "Gee, I better step up my game with him because otherwise he'll find me worthless to hang out with. Of course his primary need is sex and that's what I'm here for"? This would be the thought of a high-school girl, responding to a high-school guy.
By the way, why don't you ask her what's going on in her head? The hard part is to do this in a sensitive way, so I get what you mean by the title of your thread.
I'm not criticizing you, I'm just trying to get you to look at your own attitude, because I've been down that road before. |
I think I get what you're saying. I guess I'll try and bring things up (tactfully) next time I see her. I just don't understand what's going on, as I am getting very mixed signals from her.
I don't understand what you mean by "it's fine and good to stand up for your "needs" in a relationship, but not when they're that one-sided. You are bringing nothing to the table then." You mean sex is not a need? Or that it is only for my sake? I want to give her pleasure too, that's always in my mind when I'm in bed with a woman. |
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Janissy
Phoenix
Joined: May 06, 2009
Age: 46
Posts: 4852
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 3:29 pm Post subject: |
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| Space wrote: | | [I don't understand what you mean by "it's fine and good to stand up for your "needs" in a relationship, but not when they're that one-sided. You are bringing nothing to the table then." You mean sex is not a need? Or that it is only for my sake? I want to give her pleasure too, that's always in my mind when I'm in bed with a woman. |
I take back my "period" guess. I think other posters have guessed correctly. Going from there...
Sex is a need for you. For her, from your OP, it looks like she has a need to know that you appreciate her for more than just sex. Do you? |
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