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sweetpraline
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Apr 23, 2006
Posts: 194
Location: Detroit, MI
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 Posted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 9:34 pm Post subject: Do you find it hard to get dates? |
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| Do any of you single aspie females find it difficult to date. As an aspie female, dating has been impossible for me. In other threads, I hear the guys always talking about how dating is so hard for them and that aspie females have it easier. I disagree. I have had it just as hard as any aspie male, if not harder. Maybe its partially my fault because don't go out much and I tend to keep to myself. I didn't date at all as a teenager. I didn't date until I was in my 20s and I have only had one BF. As a teenager it was hard to hear my father say, "I just don't understand why boys don't notice her like they notice other girls." So my dad never got to play his overprotective father role because I never brought any guys around. It makes me feel like I am missing out on something because I don't know what it is like to be admired or adored. I don't know what it is like to receive flowers for valentines day or my birthday because no one has ever given me flowers. Do any other female aspies feel this way? |
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Anna
Sea Gull
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Joined: Dec 11, 2004
Posts: 237
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| Posted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 1:34 am Post subject: Re: Do you find it hard to get dates? |
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| sweetpraline wrote: | | Do any of you single aspie females find it difficult to date. As an aspie female, dating has been impossible for me. In other threads, I hear the guys always talking about how dating is so hard for them and that aspie females have it easier. I disagree. I have had it just as hard as any aspie male, if not harder. Maybe its partially my fault because don't go out much and I tend to keep to myself. I didn't date at all as a teenager. I didn't date until I was in my 20s and I have only had one BF. As a teenager it was hard to hear my father say, "I just don't understand why boys don't notice her like they notice other girls." So my dad never got to play his overprotective father role because I never brought any guys around. It makes me feel like I am missing out on something because I don't know what it is like to be admired or adored. I don't know what it is like to receive flowers for valentines day or my birthday because no one has ever given me flowers. Do any other female aspies feel this way? |
It really helped me to find groups where "weird" people hung out - like Science Fiction fandom, or roleplaying games, or renaissance festival, or that sort of thing. The guys there were less expecting the barbie doll girls and more often looking for women of substance who could hold up a conversation about kewl stuff that we're both interested in.
That might give you more opportunities to meet guys. I got lucky cuz I found those groups as a teen and was able to get dates there. I never did date any guys from my highschool. |
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hale_bopp
Ruffle some Feathers
Joined: Nov 03, 2004
Age: 23
Posts: 6050
Location: New Zealand
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| Posted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 8:50 am Post subject: |
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I never recieved flowers on those "Give other people flowers" days.
I just expected it and got used to it.. no males give me any special attention, so I just assume i'm nothing special. (also it helps that I don't really want to date either)  |
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Xuincherguixe
High Priest of the Followers of Squiggy
Joined: May 10, 2006
Posts: 1419
Location: Victoria, BC
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| Posted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 12:17 pm Post subject: |
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That you actually have got dates means that it probably is easier.
It really is that horrible for some of us.
Not that I would ever say that dating is easy for female Aspies (anyone who would doesn't know what he's talking about).
I'd also recomend you look at dating geeks. Some of us are very nice people, and even quite sociable. Many of us are actually good looking. And probably still can't get a date.
Mind you my opinion is somewhat biased, but I've seen many women suggest the same thing.
If you do start going after geek boys, you can expect two things. They'll probably consider you super hot, and they'll probably be scared of you because of it. Well, enough of them that it will be very annoying. (This was also said by the women that have suggested going after the geek boys) |
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Captain_Brown
Phoenix
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Joined: Jun 15, 2006
Posts: 699
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| Posted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 1:29 pm Post subject: |
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I am 11 years old, and I don't have a date. I can tell you one thing...
Dating is easy for men, but girls sometimes get embarrassed a lot on dates. I will never kiss a boy at all, because the personality I have that would be breaking the rules of it. |
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srriv345
Velociraptor
Joined: Jul 19, 2006
Age: 21
Posts: 406
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| Posted: Wed Aug 09, 2006 1:29 am Post subject: |
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| I'm a 19 year old Aspie girl who has never been on a date, so in answer to your question, a thousand times yes. I think I'm okay-looking, but I'm certainly nothing special and I generally don't put a whole lot of time into my hair, I don't wear makeup, etc. So between that and my shyness and crappy social skills with people I don't know very well, I just don't get asked out on dates. I also attend an all-women's college, so fewer opportunities. (Believe it or not, I have a few neurotypical friends who are about as inexperienced as I am.) Certainly I'd like to date at least a little, but given how I feel about most guys in a suitable age range, I don't think I'm missing out on all that much. |
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Solidess
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Jun 17, 2006
Posts: 187
Location: Hiding in a box from the cruelty of the world
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| Posted: Wed Aug 09, 2006 4:38 am Post subject: |
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Well, having never been on a date or having a physical boyfriend, I will say thus far, dating has been 100% impossible for me.
I think I understand why it was so as a teenager. I DESPISED teenage guys on the whole, and plus, I had my hair a little TOO short and I don't remember if I wore makeup yet, so I looked rather ugly back then too. But these days? Well, I've changed a whole lot in my appearance. If I dare say so myself, I am quite a cutie. :p I have had great compliments from guys online, both in terms of my personality, interests AND looks too (and it feels sooooo good), but this is what confuses me! If I am all that great, if guys online flock easily to me, then whats the difference in person? Ok, so I know I almost never go out and I probably don't go to the right places to meet guys either. Frankly I DON'T know where to go to meet them, and I'd be too scared to do anything anyway! But seriously, am I walking around with some sort of invisable 'stay the hell away from me' vibrations? I don't consider myself negative but I do tend to get depressed alot. The lack of a social and dating life doesn't help that any, but I still smile and try to make the most out of my lack of life! So I don't know what I'm doing wrong....
Yeah, a videogame or sci fi convention would REALLY be a good idea for me, I have to find out if there even are such things anywhere near me, cause I doubt it. I DID have an opportunity to go to a Machinima mini-festival thingy, and I BLEW IT, and I'm so pissed at myself..... That ain't gonna happen ever again. I guess I'm just too scared to go alone and I procrastinated too long to ask my one friend if she wanted to go with me, so it was too late really.
Right now, I honestly don't care about having a boyfriend. I am very picky and I don't think anyone real will appeal to me. I much rather just keep my fictional love in my mind and heart to keep me 'company'. Works for me. But *sigh* I'm sure that REAL dates and REAL Valentines and Christmas memories would beat the snot out of trying to imagine what it would feel like to be loved and needed....
Maybe eventually one day..... Or maybe in heaven. |
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wobbegong
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 20, 2006
Posts: 716
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| Posted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 12:11 am Post subject: |
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I don't find it difficult to get a date.
I tend to hang out in male dominated groups and I'm not completely ugly (though I don't believe guys that tell me that I am beautiful either). So getting a date is just a matter of encouraging a bloke, ie saying nice things about him and what he does and letting him know subtley or otherwise that you'd say yes, if he ever asked.
However I am allergic to the actual "date" itself.
I get so anxious beforehand that I want to and sometimes do throw up. And anything in my digestive system gets forcibly expelled. It really isn't pleasant. So I do my best to try to make the first few "just us" outings as un-date-like as possible. Like a quick coffee somewhere public, or something that requies a lot of distracting concentration like a bike ride, or doing something that has lots of things to talk about besides me (or him). Ie I feel a lot better when me and the guy are friends, ideally good friends first. Unfortunately most guys (and some girls) seem to think that dating would ruin a good friendship. They also think that if the guy has become the "good friend" he will never be "boyfriend" material. Yes, this could be true, but if it is true, you never go on a "date". If you do think you could take the friendship up to "lover" level then you might try a date - and then I get all anxious anticipating what might happen at the end of the date. 
Fortunately for me, while I sometimes like the idea of being "part of a couple", I'm also quite happy on my own. |
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sweetpraline
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Apr 23, 2006
Posts: 194
Location: Detroit, MI
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| Posted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 9:36 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks for your responses. I agree, that I would probably be relate to an Aspie male easier than an NT male. Preferably an Aspie male who is a late bloomer like I am. Is seems that most NT males are only after one thing. And they only seem to have one thing on their minds. And they want to move too fast. |
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wobbegong
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 20, 2006
Posts: 716
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| Posted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 6:37 am Post subject: |
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I've been out with/dated? NT males who were very patient, and other NT males who were very impatient.
I've also been out with males I suspect are aspie, who are very impatient, and others who are so very patient and shy that I think they're really not that interested in anything other than a platonic friendship.
I think it is more or less up to you to be very clear about what pace you want to proceed at. And also be clear that it's ok to be "out of sync" ie at different points of readiness (for taking the relationship further, deeper and/or more sexual) as long as the one who is ready is prepared to wait patiently for the other to get accustomed to the idea of the next step.
I don't think the power of the sex drive is a defining attribute separating NT and aspie men. Both NT and Aspie men, are spread over the full sex drive spectrum from desiring no sex through to desiring lots of sex right now. |
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pineapple
Deinonychus
Joined: May 01, 2006
Age: 23
Posts: 339
Location: san francisco
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| Posted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 7:23 pm Post subject: |
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| I feel the same way. I don't understand dating at all. |
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ion
Velociraptor
Joined: May 11, 2006
Posts: 463
Location: Sweden
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| Posted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 8:51 pm Post subject: Re: Do you find it hard to get dates? |
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| sweetpraline wrote: | | Do you find it hard to get dates? |
For a second there I was going to reply "No, I just go down to the local convenience store and pick up a packet of them." but then I realized "Oh! That kind of dates!"...  |
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sweetpraline
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Apr 23, 2006
Posts: 194
Location: Detroit, MI
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| Posted: Sat Aug 12, 2006 6:07 am Post subject: Re: Do you find it hard to get dates? |
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| ion wrote: | | sweetpraline wrote: | | Do you find it hard to get dates? |
For a second there I was going to reply "No, I just go down to the local convenience store and pick up a packet of them." but then I realized "Oh! That kind of dates!"... |
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sweetpraline
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Apr 23, 2006
Posts: 194
Location: Detroit, MI
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| Posted: Sat Aug 12, 2006 6:25 am Post subject: |
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| wobbegong wrote: | I've been out with/dated? NT males who were very patient, and other NT males who were very impatient.
I've also been out with males I suspect are aspie, who are very impatient, and others who are so very patient and shy that I think they're really not that interested in anything other than a platonic friendship.
I think it is more or less up to you to be very clear about what pace you want to proceed at. And also be clear that it's ok to be "out of sync" ie at different points of readiness (for taking the relationship further, deeper and/or more sexual) as long as the one who is ready is prepared to wait patiently for the other to get accustomed to the idea of the next step.
I don't think the power of the sex drive is a defining attribute separating NT and aspie men. Both NT and Aspie men, are spread over the full sex drive spectrum from desiring no sex through to desiring lots of sex right now. |
Well I'm not saying that all NT men are impatient because I don't know them all. Its just the ones that I've met that seem that way. I was talking to a guy once and trying to have a conversation with him. I was trying talk about the latest news and current events and he changed the subject and started asking me what types of sexual positions I liked. I said is that the only thing you can think about? Don't you care about anything else that's going on in the world. Sheesh! |
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Nomaken
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 10, 2005
Posts: 2059
Location: 31726 Windsor, Garden City, Michigan, 48135
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| Posted: Sun Aug 13, 2006 1:30 pm Post subject: |
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When I become a teacher, I will tell you what the difference is between women which men hang around and women which men don't. Because right now I have no idea. But I'm going to wager it isn't a black and white issue.
But as to your question: Yes, other female aspies have such trouble.
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And as always, these are simply my worthless opinions.
My body is a channel that translates energy from the universe into happiness.
I either express information, or consume it. I am debating which to do right now.
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