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midge
Deinonychus
Joined: Oct 03, 2004
Posts: 301
Location: The Great Plains
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 Posted: Sun Nov 12, 2006 6:43 pm Post subject: |
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I had enormous difficulties in that department-I never even came close and usually just ended up making a complete donkey out of myself. I did ask someone out over the phone once in high school, but he said no, which I was later quite glad of as we were probably about as compatable as peanut butter and saurkraut. I was quite angry and confused for awhile though when I heard that someone later asked him out and he exlaimed happily that no one had ever asked him out before. I don't consider myself very attractive, so that didn't help (although looking back I'm downright thankful for it-it really weeded out the shallow guys), and I have such bad social skills I can't carry on a conversation with most people for more than five minutes, so I probably looked pretty dull too. And the thought of it would drive me so crazy with nervousness I'd have trouble eating and sleeping (I remember hoping and praying that if I ever did go on a date with someone, he didn't want to go out to dinner, because I probably would've thrown up all over him   ) I'd pretty much given up, and then something totally unexpected happened-I met a great guy here on WP, and we started sending messages back and forth. It was probably the best way for me to meet someone because we could just take our time and talk to each other without the awkwardness that can come with being together in person without knowing each other too well. By the time we did meet face to face, we were the best of friends and there was very little awkwardness although we were still a bit shy. I think it's different for everyone, but with as many difficulties and quirks as I have, I think I could have only related to another aspie. We're completely on the same wavelength, little explanation is needed for our actions and needs and difficulties, and the crazy thing is, we communicate better with each other than with anyone else! And actually, I think he's the only one I could ever have a successful relationship with (we were married last February  ), so I was incredibly lucky. So never give up  |
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Twitch
Deinonychus
Joined: Nov 07, 2005
Posts: 341
Location: Ann Arbor, Michigan
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| Posted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 6:29 am Post subject: |
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I did before I started hanging out with other geeks. Now I'm practically married. (No formal plans yet.) I suggest trying for a geek guy. They're great! I love mine to death. In fact I'm about to go crawl back into bed with him, my allergies are keeping me up...
I met him at 22 and he was 37. It doesn't matter so much with us. We feel close in age in that we feel multiple ages at different times. He's spectrum and was quite picky about girls. He was looking for brains. So was I for that matter.
_________________
"If you would convince a man that he does wrong, do right. Men will believe what they see."
"In what concerns you much, do not think that you have companions: know that you are alone in the world."
Henry David Thoreau
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Melantha
Toucan
Joined: Dec 06, 2006
Posts: 260
Location: Idaho
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| Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2007 3:01 pm Post subject: Re: Do you find it hard to get dates? |
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| sweetpraline wrote: | | Do any of you single aspie females find it difficult to date. As an aspie female, dating has been impossible for me. In other threads, I hear the guys always talking about how dating is so hard for them and that aspie females have it easier. I disagree. I have had it just as hard as any aspie male, if not harder. |
It's just as hard for female aspies to date as it is for male. We have the same impairments/differences they do. What IS easier for us is to get laid. But that's no great achievement if you can't figure out how to get the guy to stick around afterwards.  |
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Frannie
Raven
Joined: Dec 17, 2006
Posts: 100
Location: USA
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| Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 3:08 am Post subject: Re: Do you find it hard to get dates? |
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| Melantha wrote: | | sweetpraline wrote: | | Do any of you single aspie females find it difficult to date. As an aspie female, dating has been impossible for me. In other threads, I hear the guys always talking about how dating is so hard for them and that aspie females have it easier. I disagree. I have had it just as hard as any aspie male, if not harder. |
It's just as hard for female aspies to date as it is for male. We have the same impairments/differences they do. What IS easier for us is to get laid. But that's no great achievement if you can't figure out how to get the guy to stick around afterwards. |
Very good point! Being a female, it is easier for us to get hit on and have interested sexual partners, but like you said, it is especially a challenge to know how to navigate the relationship waters with a NT. |
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joydbell
Emu Egg
Joined: Jan 20, 2007
Posts: 8
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| Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 8:37 am Post subject: |
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| OMG!When I was I was single..it was impossible! I would go to nightclubs with my NT girlfriends and it was like there was the "invisa-shield" around me that kept men from approaching me.I don't know how to put that "vibe"out to men nor am I able to flirt.I met my husband through the internet but even that took a year to come to fruition as far as meeting each other.And that was purely a one in a million thing! What's funny...is that he has AS qualities and even says that he thinks he may have a degree of AS.He is very much a hermit and we enjoy being at home more than anywhere else.But prior to meeting him...it was a disaster and so were the men I dated!!! |
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ZanneMarie
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 28, 2007
Posts: 2302
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| Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2007 5:43 pm Post subject: |
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I never have problems getting dates, I have problems wanting them (not that I've done that in quite some time anyway). Either I think it will work or I don't and if I don't, I'm not going to be bothered. I was never a successful dater because I thought it was a waste of my time and I'm pretty antisocial. The reason I had no problem getting the dates is because I'm attractive to men physically and men don't really ask for first dates based on personality (according to my male friends and brothers and I tend to agree), so they aren't going to stop and think about the fact that if I think they are boring, I will tell them and walk out. Actually, that's pretty amusing when I think about the number of them who were warned about how rude I was before they went out with me and then were surprised when it happened to them. Honestly, the whole date thing is just traumatizing to me and rarely worth it.
I lucked out by meeting my husband through an old boyfriend. He said, I found the perfect man for you. He did. I don't know what would have happened otherwise. I wasn't particularly bothered by the idea of being alone. I was more bothered by the idea of having someone around all the time making noise, moving things around or, God forbid, being emotionally demanding. I'm sure that would just make me walk out. |
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Gaya
Blue Jay
Joined: Jan 08, 2007
Posts: 84
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| Posted: Mon Feb 05, 2007 6:36 pm Post subject: |
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The way most people "date" is unnatural to me. I've had around 20 boyfriends since I was 11 (I'm 23 now), but I've only been on a few "dates." My last date was a horrible experience, because it felt too much like an interview. The guy asked me to "Tell him about myself", and I had no idea what to say. Apparently, most people want an "interview" for a date, which is beyond me. The boyfriend I have now is someone I've never been on a date with. We just started hanging out and went from there. Almost all, if not all, of my boyfriends have started out that way.
I went through dry spells where I had sexual encounters but no one who wanted commitment. These times were frustrating for me, and I didn't understand that many of my actions were making guys think I was "easy" and not "girlfriend material." Some (if not most) males are idiots that way. During my dry spells I realized I have bisexual tendencies, but I think females are harder for me to flirt with than males. (I don't know what to do with someone who has a brain with the same female complexities as mine). If I were a straight guy, I'd be up s*** creek without a paddle! |
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r_mc
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 18, 2006
Posts: 204
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| Posted: Tue Feb 06, 2007 6:05 am Post subject: |
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I am still waiting to be assessed for AS so I don't know whether or not my views on this subject are valid for inclusion in this thread.
I am 24 years old and reasonably physically attractive (so I've been told, at least) and tend to hang around in "geek"/gamer circles. In my experience, I can usually find lots of guys who want to sleep with me, to the point that I've been put off casual dating as I don't have much of a sex drive due to past bad experiences and have difficulty distinguishing between "I really, really like you and I'm excited about the prospect of having a girlfriend" and "I'm being nice to you and acting like you're something wonderful because I want to f**k you". My life is emotionally exhausting as it is and I don't fancy the prospect of a series of short-term flings looking for "Mr Right". I also don't want to have to deal with the social fallout from this sort of behaviour, as my social group is small and I don't want it getting smaller. The one long term relationship I've had with someone I actually had strong feelings for at the start of the relationship underwent a painfully protracted death due to mutual incompetance.
The normal state of affairs for me is that I find someone who I really love, try to be friends with them without stalking them and either never have the nerve to ask them out, never find the right words or the right moment to ask them out, or I manage to ask them out and find they're not interested. I hate this, but I don't know how to fix it- there must be some sort of method to prevent, kill or transfer these feelings to someone who actually wants to be with me. If I could do this I'd probably be in a happy relationship. Instead, six months ago I developed feelings for one of my male friends which still haven't gone away. I did manage to ask him out but he wasn't interested- he said I'm not the girl he's looking for because I don't know how to give him confidence. Not being able to get a date would be a thousand times better than hanging around with someone I love knowing full well that he'll never want me, whilst at the same time being surrounded by guys who'd probably quite like to go out with me if I was able to destroy the feelings I have for my friend. I hate my life.
So yes, dating and relationships are very difficult for me, just not from the point of view of "getting dates", which seems to me to be an oversimplistic measure of romantic competance. |
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SpaceCase
Always Here,Never There...
Joined: Mar 15, 2005
Age: 18
Posts: 2669
Location: Mississippi,USA
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| Posted: Thu Feb 08, 2007 9:24 pm Post subject: |
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It's not hard for me to get date-dates or just-for-fun-dates...BUT I find it hard to get into a serious relationship.
-SpaceCase
_________________
I'll be damned if I do,I'll be damned if I don't...
Well,I'll be damned!
I'LL DO WHAT I WANT. |
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Rjaye
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 05, 2006
Posts: 775
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| Posted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 12:34 am Post subject: |
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I have an impossible time trying to get men I find attractive interested in me. My standards aren't really impossible to meet, and in thinking about it, I had a revelation about the guys on this board who are so convinced they are being tortured by the women on this planet.
They're trying to connect with the wrong women. They are trying to play a game with a group of people who are supposedly the norm but who are mundane, come with a whole set of social expectations, and who are socially capable. They haven't a chance, because they don't know how to play the game, and when they learn to play the game, can't play it well enough to keep up. And if they do get lucky, and get close, they run the risk of getting burned because in a very real sense they aren't really being true to themselves. They have a different set of expectations.
They assume all women get hit on three, four, or more times a day (yeah, right), and therefore just have to weed out the "losers." There's a good number of women who hardly get "hit on," if at all, especially AS women. A good number of AS women don't send out the right vibes, just like the guys, and a lot of our behaviors are confusing to NT's.
My problem is that I get hit on by totally inappropriate people. Why do older men think it's cool to hit on younger women-fifteen or more years younger? This seems to be my lot in life. The last thing I want to do is get involved with someone and end up taking care of them in their old age.
I'm just glad I'm bi. I attract a way better class of female than male.
All of us with AS have extra problems in this area.
Metta, Jaye |
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ahayes
Banned
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Joined: Dec 03, 2006
Posts: 9746
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Melantha
Toucan
Joined: Dec 06, 2006
Posts: 260
Location: Idaho
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| Posted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 2:08 pm Post subject: |
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Haha, I love it!!! I am definitely getting one of these! |
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Rjaye
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 05, 2006
Posts: 775
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| Posted: Mon Feb 12, 2007 3:17 am Post subject: |
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Dood! That is so perfect! I want one, too!
Jaye! |
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Rjaye
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 05, 2006
Posts: 775
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| Posted: Mon Feb 12, 2007 3:17 am Post subject: |
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Dood! That is so perfect! I want one, too!
Jaye! |
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Rjaye
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 05, 2006
Posts: 775
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| Posted: Mon Feb 12, 2007 3:17 am Post subject: |
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Dood! That is so perfect! I want one, too!
Jaye! |
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