ManicMinx
Sea Gull
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Joined: Nov 13, 2011
Posts: 207
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 Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:28 pm Post subject: Confused, please help |
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Ok so this question is for those who have been in the same situation before. Please give me any advice that you think would be helpful.
I've been in a loving, stable relationship with a great guy for almost 4 years now. We get along, but something will NOT stop pestering me and I'm having a hard time figuring out why I keep thinking this way. We have a lot in common, but yet our MAIN interests are not the same. My main interests are things having to do with horror, goth, punk and I like to dress horror punk. I am also attracted to guys who are into the same things and when they dress trendy. My boyfriend dresses very casual and is more into stuff like Bob Dylan and Tom Petty. As a result, I feel like my heart has never been fully into the relationship, and I keep wondering if maybe I'm not sure what love really is? I was reading a book called Asperger's in Love: Couple Relationships and Family Affairs by Maxine Aston, and was only able to read the first few pages in a preview on Amazon, but this book seemed to answer how I feel about my boyfriend. Here's a part that really caught my attention: "The views of AS women about attraction are very similar to those of AS men. Physical attraction is limited to a particular feature and, once again, it is hair and eyes that are particularly mentioned." I agree, but at the same time I know very well that this is a shallow way of thinking and that I should be greatful and be happy with what I have. But at the same time, this thought keeps coming back to haunt me and I don't feel like I can stay in the relationship. What would you guys do in my situation? |
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MrEGuy
Sea Gull
Joined: Sep 18, 2008
Posts: 231
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| Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2011 10:38 pm Post subject: |
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You're happy, but you have an issue with the incongruities between you and the person who makes you happy?
You know what? I'm gonna recommend you destroy the whole thing.
Why? Because you clearly haven't lived enough of a life to know when to back off and let a good thing be. Clearly you need to go do the unhappy thing with some self-hatred tossed in. Maybe get a guy who makes it mission to exactingly remove your soul from you.
Seriously, kid? Your problem is that you don't have a problem. You're bored and you feel like nuking a good thing. Go ahead. Live hard and leave behind a beautiful corpse. Sounds like a good idea, right? |
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ManicMinx
Sea Gull
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Joined: Nov 13, 2011
Posts: 207
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| Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2011 10:19 am Post subject: |
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| Sounds like you've been rejected your whole life and are taking my post personally. I asked for helpful advice, not unnecessary comments. You know absolutely nothing about my relationship to make those judgements. So i'm supposed to stay in a relationship where I feel no chemistry? How is this going to work in the long run is what I wanna know. |
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Wolfheart
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 18, 2011
Age: 23
Posts: 2971
Location: Kent, England
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| Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2011 11:23 am Post subject: Re: Confused, please help |
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| ManicMinx wrote: | Ok so this question is for those who have been in the same situation before. Please give me any advice that you think would be helpful.
I've been in a loving, stable relationship with a great guy for almost 4 years now. We get along, but something will NOT stop pestering me and I'm having a hard time figuring out why I keep thinking this way. We have a lot in common, but yet our MAIN interests are not the same. My main interests are things having to do with horror, goth, punk and I like to dress horror punk. I am also attracted to guys who are into the same things and when they dress trendy. My boyfriend dresses very casual and is more into stuff like Bob Dylan and Tom Petty. As a result, I feel like my heart has never been fully into the relationship, and I keep wondering if maybe I'm not sure what love really is? I was reading a book called Asperger's in Love: Couple Relationships and Family Affairs by Maxine Aston, and was only able to read the first few pages in a preview on Amazon, but this book seemed to answer how I feel about my boyfriend. Here's a part that really caught my attention: "The views of AS women about attraction are very similar to those of AS men. Physical attraction is limited to a particular feature and, once again, it is hair and eyes that are particularly mentioned." I agree, but at the same time I know very well that this is a shallow way of thinking and that I should be greatful and be happy with what I have. But at the same time, this thought keeps coming back to haunt me and I don't feel like I can stay in the relationship. What would you guys do in my situation? |
Hopefully this will be a more positive post. I'd say you both probably love each other for stability and connectivity, you connect on a personal level yet you don't share much mutual ground or common interests. This can be common and I'd say you both need to become aware of each others interests and make an effort. For instance, I had a girlfriend who had a different taste in a certain area and I would at least open myself to be more diverse, make an effort to understand her interests and find out why she likes what she likes it. One thing I'd do is pick something opposite to what she liked or something that was in direct rivalry and tease her on it in a playful way. You can certainly both connect more because of this and become more diverse and appreciative. |
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ManicMinx
Sea Gull
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Joined: Nov 13, 2011
Posts: 207
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| Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2011 2:38 pm Post subject: |
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| Thank you, wolfheart, for your sincere response. I will try harder because I realize all relationships take work and this could be something not worth ending a relationship over. I've just been doing a lot of research and haven't been able to answer this question, so what better place to ask than this forum right? |
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Ynnep
Snowy Owl
Joined: Aug 21, 2011
Posts: 150
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| Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2011 10:14 pm Post subject: |
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| I'm in a relationship with somebody who does not match me. He loves me and he does not try to change me, that's all I ask of a relationship. But if you met the 2 of us you would never think that we were together, it's surprising that we even met. I think if you are mostly happy and content just hang in there and see how it goes. You don't have to commit to "forever" what ever the hell that is....unless you are trying to have kids in which case you will be bound to him for life no matter what happens. |
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ManicMinx
Sea Gull
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Joined: Nov 13, 2011
Posts: 207
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| Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2011 10:33 pm Post subject: |
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| I'm still not sure if I want to have kids. I feel that it's more of an obligation more than anything. I'm still trying to figure out if I even know what true love is, and I think my relationship really is true love. Anything else would have fizzed out by now, I guess? I don't know, most of my girl friends tell me that I should follow my heart and that I don't have to commit if I'm not feeling it. I've been in a long term relationship before and I never had doubts so I really don't know what's going on with me. |
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Ynnep
Snowy Owl
Joined: Aug 21, 2011
Posts: 150
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| Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2011 11:42 pm Post subject: |
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| Weird, eh? I wish I had more concrete advise to give. I'm 43 and I am in my 3rd long term relationship. I'm not sure that I even know what true love is. I hear you about the kids, certainly not my cup of tea. Luckily the guy I'm with has some grown up ones so his animalistic desire to breed is already taken care of. |
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ManicMinx
Sea Gull
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Joined: Nov 13, 2011
Posts: 207
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| Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2011 12:42 am Post subject: |
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| That's good, I don't think a woman should have kids if she doesn't want to. My family and friends would always pester me and ask "When are you having kids?" or "When are you getting married?". They think you should do both of these things before you're 30, as if it's some kind of a race. Thanks for your advice Ynnep, I appreciate it! |
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MrEGuy
Sea Gull
Joined: Sep 18, 2008
Posts: 231
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| Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2011 12:53 am Post subject: |
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| ManicMinx wrote: | | Sounds like you've been rejected your whole life and are taking my post personally. |
Kind of a funny comment considering this . . .
| Quote: | | You know absolutely nothing about my relationship to make those judgements. |
You know nothing about me. That didn't stop you from popping off, did it?
| Quote: | | So i'm supposed to stay in a relationship where I feel no chemistry? How is this going to work in the long run is what I wanna know. |
Some day you're going to be old. This fact is never treated with the gravity it deserves.
FTR, half of meanness of my comments arises from the fact that I consider what you said to be somewhere between immature and just plain vacuous.
"I'm goth and he listens to Tom Petty, so I'm gonna nuke our happy relationship." Do you have any sense of self-awareness enough to comprehend how that sounds to another human being? That sounds like something a 14 year old would post on Facebook, not something an adult would post on WP.
Chemistry? Bah! Marry for happiness. Everything else goes away. |
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SoftlyStepping
Deinonychus
Joined: Nov 06, 2011
Posts: 310
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| Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2011 1:12 am Post subject: |
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| MrEGuy wrote: | | Chemistry? Bah! Marry for happiness. Everything else goes away. |
This. |
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ManicMinx
Sea Gull
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Joined: Nov 13, 2011
Posts: 207
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| Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2011 1:52 am Post subject: |
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| You're the one who's acting like a 14 year old little girl if you ask me. Just because a couple is happy doesn't mean that they should be together, but that's something that you don't understand because you're probably so desperate that you will accept ANYONE who comes into your life. You should marry someone not only because you love them, but because you WANT to marry them. Marrying someone you're not sure you want to commit to is an irresponsible thing to do. |
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alex
Developer
Joined: Jun 14, 2004
Age: 26
Posts: 8100
Location: Beverly Hills, CA
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ManicMinx
Sea Gull
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Joined: Nov 13, 2011
Posts: 207
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| Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2011 2:09 am Post subject: |
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| alex wrote: | | Maxine Aston is a quack. Don't listen to anything she says |
I've heard this before but I wanna know, why is she a quack? |
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Asp-Z
Clockwork Planet
Joined: Dec 07, 2009
Posts: 11016
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| Posted: Thu Nov 17, 2011 5:49 am Post subject: |
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Seems a bit silly to doubt your relationship because of what basically boils down to you liking different music and clothes to your partner.
I've learnt from my own experience that mutual interests actually mean very little in a relationship, or a friendship for that matter. I was with someone who had a lot of the same interests as me, but our personalities clashed and we argued constantly. Didn't go well at all, as I'm sure you can imagine. On the other hand, my best friend and I have completely different interests and political views and so on, but we get along extremely well.
If you get along with your partner on a basic level, it does not matter what your interests are - the compatibility of your personalities is far more important. |
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