| longest allowable shutdown |
| not allowed at all |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| a few minutes |
|
2% |
[ 1 ] |
| a few hours |
|
8% |
[ 3 ] |
| a day or so |
|
19% |
[ 7 ] |
| a few days |
|
22% |
[ 8 ] |
| a week or two |
|
30% |
[ 11 ] |
| a few weeks or a month |
|
5% |
[ 2 ] |
| a few months |
|
5% |
[ 2 ] |
| half a year or so |
|
0% |
[ 0 ] |
| more than half a year |
|
5% |
[ 2 ] |
|
| Total Votes : 36 |
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
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Age: 41
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 Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 2:40 am Post subject: how long is the longest acceptable shutdown? |
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ok, so people are talking about shutdowns on the forum lately. i have seen people talk about shutdowns in the context of romantic relationships, and some people are talking about minutes or hours, while others are talking about days, weeks or months.
shutdowns seem to involve a reaction to emotional overload, where a person retreats from contact - either physically or by dissociating. feel free to provide better descriptions of shutdowns or your own experiences in the thread.
this isn't based on anything going on in real life, but i wondered if my own feelings about this are sort of unusual. i'll post my thoughts later in the thread.
what is the maximum time you would allow a person to go into shutdown mode (with no contact) before you would break it off (or consider the relationship over, essentially, and perhaps break it off once the shutdown is done)?
EDIT: i have no idea if shutdowns are an aspie thing, or if NTs have them too. you can fill us in on that if you know.
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Last edited by hyperlexian on Tue Feb 28, 2012 2:41 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Sweetleaf
Metalhead
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Age: 23
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Location: Somewhere in Colorado
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 2:41 am Post subject: |
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I think it depends on the person and how long their shut-down lasts.
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21969
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 2:41 am Post subject: |
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so if someone said they have 6 month shutdowns, you would be ok with that or no?
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nick007
old-skewl fan-boy
Joined: May 05, 2010
Age: 30
Posts: 9741
Location: was Louisiana but moved in with my girlfreind in Vermont
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 2:47 am Post subject: |
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It would depend on the circumstances that the shutdown is related to. I would consider it over after a couple days if we only been together like a month & the shutdown occurred after a fight or because she got upset with me about something. I would give her more time if we've been together a while & were serious & the shutdown was due to her dealing with something like a family crises.
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Sweetleaf
Metalhead
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Age: 23
Posts: 14828
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 2:50 am Post subject: |
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| hyperlexian wrote: | | so if someone said they have 6 month shutdowns, you would be ok with that or no? |
It really does not matter if I am ok with it, its not something that is typically all that controllable, however I find it doubtful shutdowns typically last for 6 months.
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21969
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 2:52 am Post subject: |
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| Sweetleaf wrote: | | hyperlexian wrote: | | so if someone said they have 6 month shutdowns, you would be ok with that or no? |
It really does not matter if I am ok with it, its not something that is typically all that controllable, however I find it doubtful shutdowns typically last for 6 months. |
what i mean is.... how long would you wait? would you be willing to continue a relationship after 6 months of no contact? (i did see at least one person speak of a multiple-month shutdown on the forum, so it does happen).
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AspieOtaku
Leader of the Otaku Legion
Joined: Feb 18, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 5899
Location: Mountain View, California, United States
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 2:55 am Post subject: |
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| The longest my shutdowns have lasted are 5 days i don't think i have had longer. I usually recuperate right away after a few hours. If it is relationship related and that person has caused me or contributed to a 5 day shut down numerous times I would have to break it off with that person. |
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Sweetleaf
Metalhead
Joined: Jan 07, 2011
Age: 23
Posts: 14828
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 2:55 am Post subject: |
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| hyperlexian wrote: | | Sweetleaf wrote: | | hyperlexian wrote: | | so if someone said they have 6 month shutdowns, you would be ok with that or no? |
It really does not matter if I am ok with it, its not something that is typically all that controllable, however I find it doubtful shutdowns typically last for 6 months. |
what i mean is.... how long would you wait? would you be willing to continue a relationship after 6 months of no contact? (i did see at least one person speak of a multiple-month shutdown on the forum, so it does happen). |
multiple or 6 months......but anyways it really depends on the situation I have not been faced with it yet. I mean I could certainly go without sex for 6 months but yeah I think it would really depend If I really had a good relationship with someone....I don't think I would end it on account of my own impatience over something they can't even control. But I am not 100% sure what i would do in a situation like that.
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CrazyCatLord
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 25, 2011
Posts: 2177
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 3:28 am Post subject: |
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My states of dissociation rarely last for more than an hour, assuming that I get a chance to withdraw from stressful situations and be alone for a while. But in a way, I've been in shutdown mode or social recluse mode for more than ten years now.
If I had an autistic partner, I guess I would give her or him a day before I'd attempt to make contact and expect a response. Perhaps up to a week after a fight. |
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MjrMajorMajor
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 16, 2012
Age: 37
Posts: 3097
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 9:50 am Post subject: |
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How would you define shutdown mode? I've always been socially withdrawn for the most part. I've always considered a shutdown where I'm to the point I can't speak, even if I may want to.
Given my issues, I would have to be patient with another person. I might periodically check in, but I would probably be ready to pick up the relationship when they were ready,if it was a good friend.
Last edited by MjrMajorMajor on Tue Feb 28, 2012 11:32 am; edited 1 time in total |
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ValentineWiggin
Yup.
Joined: May 16, 2011
Posts: 4879
Location: Beneath my cat's paw
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 9:59 am Post subject: |
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From an SO?
Maybe a few days.
Cutting off contact for a week or more at a time?
Yeah, no.
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mv
Protector of the Realm
Joined: Jun 18, 2010
Posts: 3131
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 10:04 am Post subject: |
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I think I'm somewhat confused. If someone cut off contact with me for, say, six months, then we would no longer have the relationship we once had. If he/she were to contact me after that, they do not get the privilege of picking up where we left off, we would have to forge a new relationship. I don't mean that I'd "punish" them for the hiatus, I mean that the relationship that we had had would no longer exist so we'd have to forge a new one (if I chose to). I cannot flip a switch on trust and intimacy (well, actually I can flip it to the "off" position, but not so easy getting back to the "on" position).
I think I'm likening it to a marriage that's trying to survive an infidelity. One cannot go back to the old marriage, even if there is remorse and forgiveness, one has to make a new marriage.
Last edited by mv on Tue Feb 28, 2012 10:56 am; edited 1 time in total |
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izzeme
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 05, 2011
Age: 26
Posts: 1086
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 10:23 am Post subject: |
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| i would have no problems with a communications breakdown of a week; if i knew the person was on the spectrum or for another reason prone to shutting down; i myself also just disappear for a week on occasion |
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Fnord
Enigmatic Threadkilling Metasyntactic Variable
Joined: May 07, 2008
Posts: 17894
Location: Stendec
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 10:46 am Post subject: Re: how long is the longest acceptable shutdown? |
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| hyperlexian wrote: | | what is the maximum time you would allow a person to go into shutdown mode (with no contact) before you would break it off (or consider the relationship over, essentially, and perhaps break it off once the shutdown is done)? |
Forever.
It's their choice, not mine.
There are too many other people in the world who are not shut down for me to waste any time or effort on coaxing one person out of shutdown mode. Besides, they could charge me with harassment for trying.
Good riddance. |
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nick007
old-skewl fan-boy
Joined: May 05, 2010
Age: 30
Posts: 9741
Location: was Louisiana but moved in with my girlfreind in Vermont
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 12:01 pm Post subject: |
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I don't think I have ever shutdown on my partner. There were times when I left my partners alone for a bit but it was because I was busy(I s#ck at multitasking & I like to focus my attention on one thing at a time) but I had told my partner what was going on & I responded to her messages shortly after I noticed them. Other times were because I thought my partner was buy or wanted space & I sent her a brief message that I would wait for her to contact me. I do have lots of meltdowns with my parents & I storm off to my room after them but I usually talk to them next time they try talking to me after an hour or so. I'm clingy, needy & very communicative with my partner(I want to be as close to her as possible) so I don't think I would really have a major shutdown unless we had had a bad fight but I would still send her a message within a day unless I thought she wanted me to leave her alone; Or I guess I might potentially shutdown to deal with life stuff but I would tell my partner what was going on & I doubt I would go over a day without sending her at least a brief message so she wouldn't worry. I've handled some shutdowns from my partners pretty badly but I would of handled them a lot better if they had let me know what was going on in the begging; making up stories/lying to me or suddenly acting extremely withdrawn with me causes me to worry but I won't worry as much if I know what's going on. Things were different & uncomfortable after their shutdowns but that was mostly due to them acting withdrawn/distant or somewhat negative, upset, bitter or angry towards me but my behavior & feelings went back to normal like it was before shortly after theirs was. I'd like to find a partner who's clingy, needy & communicative(I rather an extreme amount that's a lot more than me than less then most) so things like shutdowns shouldn't be a common occurrence. I like to discuss things & address problems before they get to that point.
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