How do the older members (30+) cope with singleness?

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Wrong Planet Autism Forum Index -> Love and Dating

rosemund
Snowy Owl

Joined: Mar 15, 2012
Posts: 125
Location: South East Texas

Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 1:07 am Post subject:

I'm 35, and have been technically single since late 2009 (long story). I didn't really date in high school, as the people I was into never found out unless one of my "friends" (sometimes not well-meaning at all) told them. I tended to end up in the friend category with my crushes, and never knew what to say to them unless it was school related. I did better after getting into college, where I was involved in music more than before, and no one cared about my idiosyncratic behavior. I got married at 20, even though he asked me if I thought we'd be together forever, and I told him no. That didn't turn out so well, but part of it was his own issues, which ran toward the end of clinical depression. After my husband, I had a 10 year relationship with someone else, but he turned out to be a total nightmare (he cheated/broke up with me, but nearly 3 years later he is still trying to get my new address, phone, and be my friend on Facebook). It's probably also worth mentioning that unlike what I guess is "normal" for female Aspies, I don't suffer from depression very often at all. My mom is bi polar, and she had me checked out for anger management issues when I was fourteen, but the therapist told her I was fine as I was, that I only seemed to register about four emotions with anger causing the most visual change, but that my mother was trying to use what her own feelings would be in the same situation, and put them on me as a norm. I'm back living in my hometown, and have been brought back into the fold of some of my old friends. One of them still dislikes sharing me with the rest of them, and isn't really good at covering it up ("I recognized X the moment she walked in. She hasn't changed since middle school. que annoyed expression). They have a few friends they've also made since I left. Most of the women are in the process of a divorce or in a revolving door of dating drama, so I can't even ask if there is anyone suitable for going out with, because I'd never date anyone that was interested in one of them. Then too, I like having control of what I eat and when, what's on the tv, how much time I spend rping/posting on forums online, reading, and what time I go to bed/get up. I know most of them think my life is dull, but at least a couple of them like that I'm not neurotypical ("We know you're different, and that's why we love you" said one of them.) I do get teased about my word choices and vocabulary, but I don't feel bullied by most of them, so being alone isn't so bad. So far, it sure beats taking another risk on dating or being in a relationship with someone that has so many self-destructive tendencies that I lose all patience, not to mention just negotiating the flirtation and dating conversation required.

Maerlyn138
Velociraptor

Joined: Nov 03, 2005
Age: 41
Posts: 476
Location: The Island of Misfit Toys

Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 3:38 am Post subject:

I am going to be 40 next month. Been through two marriages and both ended up being misery for me. I just couldn't relate and I had the unfullfilled pressure to be alone! Having someone there all the time was such a drain. I was chronicly tired, frustrated, all I wanted was time alone which they took as I didn't love them. I guess maybe I didn't. I felt something I suppose. But, I think I wanted a relationship just because I thought that was what you were supossed to do. Now that I am older, I still cruise the free dating sites. never with any actual intention of dating, i guess it makes me feel less lonely to have that small interaction. I would enjoy having sex again, it's been 4 years now, but the thought of having to relate to someone, however briefly (lol), to do so is just too much. I would rather buy one of those Real Doll things to have sex with (by the way, anyone can feel free to buy me one for my birthday!) ...I guess that would be weird and sad in its own right. So yes I do get lonely, but never enough to actively try and change it. I revel in my solitude and am confused by people who can't stand being alone. _________________ We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams. Aspie score: 159 of 200 NT score: 64 of 200

Matt62
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Jan 05, 2012
Age: 51
Posts: 1155

Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 3:02 pm Post subject:

50 years old & still looking for SOMEONE. I let my dream woman go, long before I understood how my own behavior was screwing up my relationship prospects. I do tend to bury my self in my hobbies. That, & good books are ALMOST all I need. To bad my hormones say otherwise, even now! Sincerely, Matthew

LiendaBalla
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Oct 24, 2007
Age: 34
Posts: 2857

Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 6:41 pm Post subject:

Once you wear the ring and get pregnant, you never have time and money for just yourself again. You also have to wait in longer theme park lines.

Kalika
Snowy Owl

Joined: Oct 26, 2011
Age: 34
Posts: 153

Posted: Sat Mar 17, 2012 2:30 am Post subject:

I'm in my early 30s, and the way I look at it is that while I dislike being single, it's not an entirely active choice..........it would be really hard to find a guy whom I liked, my daughter was okay with, and would fit in with my family.

aussiebloke
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Oct 15, 2009
Age: 36
Posts: 3871

Posted: Sat Mar 17, 2012 2:36 am Post subject:

porn. _________________ Theirs a subset of America, adult males who are forgoing ambition ,sex , money ,love ,adventure to sit in a darkened rooms mastering video games - Suicide Bob

rosemund
Snowy Owl

Joined: Mar 15, 2012
Posts: 125
Location: South East Texas

Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 12:01 am Post subject:

Kalika wrote:

I'm in my early 30s, and the way I look at it is that while I dislike being single, it's not an entirely active choice..........it would be really hard to find a guy whom I liked, my daughter was okay with, and would fit in with my family.

That sounds familiar. Same boat here, and while I actually did find someone nice online a couple of days ago, I'm not attracted. Which is unfortunate, because I also have a hard time finding someone in this area that has more than a high school education and/or wants to do more than go hunting or fishing.

auntblabby
Chief Assistant to the Assistant Chief
Phoenix

Joined: Feb 13, 2010
Posts: 18075
Location: the island of loveable toy humans

Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 1:18 am Post subject:

rosemund wrote:

I also have a hard time finding someone in this area that has more than a high school education and/or wants to do more than go hunting or fishing.

people sans a shingle can still be worthy and loving mates, and may pleasantly surprise you now and then with their cognition. Idea

btw, welcome to la cosa aspie nostra! Smile

Kiseki
I just ran out of Band-Aids
Phoenix

Joined: May 30, 2010
Age: 33
Posts: 1604
Location: Osaka JP

Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 1:10 pm Post subject:

I feel pretty crappy about it most of the time, mainly because I have always been single. Not only that but I've never even had a reciprocal love of any kind. I just wanna know what it's like to have someone like you back. That said, not sure I could cope being in a conventional relationship. If it was somewhat open and carefree it might be okay. _________________ Your Aspie score: 161 of 200 Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 55 of 200 You are very likely an Aspie

Keeno
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Mar 09, 2006
Posts: 4948
Location: Earth

Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 3:55 pm Post subject:

I struggle to cope and coexist with being single, because certainly in my experience it has brought baggage.

Gita
Blue Jay

Joined: May 19, 2011
Posts: 82

Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 8:43 pm Post subject:

To tell the truth, I like the singleness, and the ability to do what I want without interference. However, when in life can I do a lot of that? I do my artwork, and really would not mind someone doing the dishes in another room. I grew up in a household of 6 kids, on, and sometimes 2 parents. At one point, 14 people were living in my house. I'm actually used to lots of people, but I tuck myself into my own little world. Right now I have 2 cats, 2 dogs. They kind of make up for the people. I am going into a line of work now that pays well, IF I Can get out of town on long distance trips. Now more than ever, I want a significant other to take care of my things and animals when I am out of town. I live with a friend, an old guy who has cancer. He is a bummer, and will not do anything for me. I understand he is weak, so I don't ask him. I also get very stuck in ruts. I do like travel, but getting me out the door is hard. It takes a very hard push to get me to go anywhere. I need someone to push me. My things are long walks (nature walks where I classify plants, and pick up specimens, usually), museums, aquariums and so on. So I do like to "get out of the house." I prefer to be alone, but being with a friend is nice. Finding someone who is tolerant of my oddities would be very hard. I have an unmarried opposite sex friend now who is occasionally going out with me, but I don't think it will be serious. It never is. I usually never have more than one date. I think natural selection selected me for extinction.

techstepgenr8tion
that chatty American
SomeRandomGuy

Joined: Feb 07, 2005
Posts: 14830
Location: A beautiful vector among many

Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 8:49 pm Post subject:

I think I'm with a lot of singles in that its the lack of viable possibilities (ie. number of people I can actually feel right about things with) that's let me down more than anything else. Seems a bit like once an outlier always an outlier.

aussiebloke
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Oct 15, 2009
Age: 36
Posts: 3871

Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 10:35 pm Post subject:

apathy, hooray for aspergers at least it's good for something. Good for you if you have a "special talent" _________________ Theirs a subset of America, adult males who are forgoing ambition ,sex , money ,love ,adventure to sit in a darkened rooms mastering video games - Suicide Bob

CrazyStarlightRedux
Fake Kiwi
Phoenix

Joined: Jan 14, 2012
Age: 23
Posts: 1028
Location: Manchester, UK.

Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 3:41 pm Post subject:

So many interesting tales from you guys! Good to know what I can so when I reach 30. _________________ Just a guy who gives advice and talks a lot.