fragileclover
Velociraptor
Joined: May 22, 2009
Posts: 496
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 Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 5:21 am Post subject: Why do I have to be the one to initiate contact? A rant. |
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I went to see my mom today. I don't see her often, by choice. I also don't talk to her, or anyone else, for that matter, on the phone.
Anyway, I've been accepted into the American Film Institute's MFA program for Film Editing, and I was talking to her about the costs, and asked if she thought my uncle might be willing to co-sign a loan for me. My mom has filed bankruptcy and never has any money, so she couldn't if she wanted to. Her response was:
"Well, I doubt it. Maybe if you called him and showed interest every once in a while, he'd consider it."
GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
For the record, I 'talk' to my uncle quite often on Facebook. We discuss movies and politics. I don't see why calling him should be different.
After that comment, she then went on a rant about how I never call my family members and it would be nice for them to know I care, blah blah blah. I told her I'm more than happy to email back and forth, and do with different family members on occasion. She then said that some family members don't use email or 'technology.' I didn't really know what to say at this point, because I was frustrated and angry. This woman knows that I don't use the phone unless I have to...I was a parent's dream in high school, because I had zero interest in my own phone line or tying up the phone line chatting with friends. I hate it.
My real question is, why does it have to be ME? If they are so bothered by not talking to me on the phone, why can't they call me? I'm not saying I'd always answer...I'd usually wait to see if they left a message, but the simple fact that none of the people she mentioned have ever once tried to call me should say it all. Why is it MY responsibility to stay in touch? Couldn't I say the same...that they don't care about me because they don't call? I wouldn't say that, of course, because I'm perfectly happy that they don't, but still!
For instance, I had plans to meet my mom for lunch today, and when I texted to ask her what time to meet, she sent this huge text saying I'd have to pick her up because her car broke down, and if I'd called and thanked her for sending me a happy birthday text, I would have known that her car broke down. WHAT?! Why the heck wouldn't SHE call to share that important piece of information? 
Do any of you have similar experiences? Family members getting on your case about not calling them and such?
_________________
Aspie Quiz: AS - 141/200, NT - 77/200 (Very likely an Aspie)
AQ: 34/50 (Aspie range)
EQ: 32 / SQ: 68 (Extreme Systemizing / AS or HFA)
Diagnosed with AS and Anxiety Disorder - NOS on 03/21/2012 |
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Mindslave
Jackass of all trades
Joined: Nov 15, 2010
Age: 24
Posts: 1818
Location: Where the wild things wish they were
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| Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 10:54 am Post subject: |
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| Maybe your mom feels like she is losing control of you, and you calling her shows that you still need her. Maybe she wants to feel important and it's not about control. In any case, she must not feel wanted to some degree. |
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Sweetleaf
Metalhead
Joined: Jan 07, 2011
Age: 23
Posts: 14799
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
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| Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 1:04 pm Post subject: |
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I hate talking on phones, if people in my family have a problem with that then it's their problem...if they want to call me I might talk for a couple minutes, but not for any length of time.
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It's like alice in wonderland except, my names not alice and this is the real world not a dream. |
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alongfortheride
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Mar 17, 2012
Posts: 25
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| Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 1:08 pm Post subject: |
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Every relationship is a two way street. We all need to look at ourselves and ask and do our part to maintain a relationship. If you don't like the phone and some family members are tech phobic, can you send a card or letter? It will let others know you care and are making an effort.
Even as a NT, by the way, I falter at this at times. We all get caught up on our own lives. It just happens. It is part of being human.
By the way a huge congratulations on getting into your program. That is a major accomplishment. I have a high school ds on the spectrum that is interested possibly in editing as a career. Would you mind if I got any tips/pointers/advice you would have for a younger student possibly interesting in following in your footsteps? |
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MrXxx
Moderator/Enigmatus Paradoxius
Joined: May 12, 2010
Posts: 5678
Location: New England
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| Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 1:20 pm Post subject: Re: Why do I have to be the one to initiate contact? A rant. |
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| fragileclover wrote: | For instance, I had plans to meet my mom for lunch today, and when I texted to ask her what time to meet, she sent this huge text saying I'd have to pick her up because her car broke down, and if I'd called and thanked her for sending me a happy birthday text, I would have known that her car broke down. WHAT?! Why the heck wouldn't SHE call to share that important piece of information?
Do any of you have similar experiences? Family members getting on your case about not calling them and such? |
How about my entire life long relationship with my mother?
She should have called you if she wanted you to know.
As for the rest of your story:
I've never been good at writing letters or on the phone either. Didn't have email until about ten years ago, so for the first forty years of my life I didn't write or call anyone. Caught hell from her constantly for it. You know what I've learned since then though? Average people don't write each other anywhere near as much as she did. The phone issue for me turned out to be a typical Autism thing I've never been able to control. I've never been good on the phone. The only person I ever talked to for more than a couple of minutes at a time was her, and only because I could never shut her up for hours every time she called!
I have a life for gosh sakes! The only reason I didn't call her very often is because calls to her were always a minimum of two hours. I've got stuff to do for crying out loud!
All I have to say is everything you've said about what your mother does sounds just like what my mother always did, and they're called GUILT TRIPS!
Learn to do what I eventually did.
Blow them off.
You could also think about pointing out to her that you might contact her more often if this weren't how you were treated when you finally do get around to it.
I find it extremely annoying when people complain that I don't keep in touch often enough, but then when I do, instead of enjoying the fact that I have, do nothing but give me crap for every day I didn't call. WTF? If that's all I'm going to hear, why the hell would I call?
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MrXxx is taking a long sabbatical, and no longer moderating. |
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Jtuk
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 22, 2012
Posts: 732
Location: Wales, UK
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| Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 4:17 pm Post subject: |
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if you want something from them then you have to initiate it.
It's that simple really.. I don't talk to many people or family much or at all, but I don't need anything from them so it does me no harm.
Jason |
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Invader
Velociraptor
Joined: Aug 17, 2010
Age: 29
Posts: 458
Location: UK
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| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 8:03 pm Post subject: |
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| Yep, it has to be you because you're the one who wants the favours. |
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