Vito
Blue Jay
Joined: Dec 20, 2011
Age: 21
Posts: 99
Location: Czech Republic
|
 Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 4:33 pm Post subject: Regarding eye contact |
 |
|
Ok, I have a question regarding eye contact. Very recently I met a girl (we went out only once for now) and I think, there is a mutual romantic interest. However, I experienced difficulties with eye contact; she kept gazing into my eyes for a quite long time, which I found somehow uncomfortable, especially because I had no idea, where should I look.....Should I switch between one eye and another? Or look at the top of her nose? Or try to look in the space "behind" her???
Please help, I need to know.....I do not want to look like total fool next time..... |
|
| Back to top |
|
zooguy
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Mar 11, 2012
Posts: 56
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 4:45 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Just my thoughts - if you're not comfortable looking into her eyes you will not be comfortable around her enough which will cause tention which will make a mess - not want you want to hear I know - been there done that - we're aspies - doesn't mean that it want work it's just my thoughts - anything and every thing is possible |
|
| Back to top |
|
Jutta412
Emu Egg
Joined: Apr 07, 2012
Posts: 7
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 5:19 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Maybe she doesn't care where you look-- or likes your "shy eyes"... |
|
| Back to top |
|
Ann2011
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 16, 2011
Posts: 1469
Location: Ontario, Canada
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 5:36 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Does she know you have Asperger's? My boyfriend knows that I rarely make eye contact and it doesn't bother him. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Vito
Blue Jay
Joined: Dec 20, 2011
Age: 21
Posts: 99
Location: Czech Republic
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 5:54 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| yeah, she's aware of my Aspieness; I even think that she finds my awkwardness attractive (she seems to have a really caring personality). Still I would like to somehow figure out this eye contact thing, because it is a bit uncomfortable not to know where to look.... |
|
| Back to top |
|
Mus
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Oct 26, 2010
Posts: 26
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 6:07 pm Post subject: |
|
|
When I was first learning, I looked at the space between their eyes. Now it's more natural. But it's an important skill to learn. It causes A LOT of anxiety at first.
Be sure to tell the person that this is an issue for you--that looking in the eyes causes anxiety and you want to work to improve that. That is actually all it takes to make the situation less anxiety-proving. I promise. It's strange how it's that simple of a thing to do, but telling the person really does help. |
|
| Back to top |
|
fraac
Tufted Titmouse
![]()
Joined: Mar 24, 2011
Posts: 1865
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 6:21 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Doesn't it feel somethingy? If you like her you'll want to look in her eyes because you'll enjoy the intensity. Until then don't worry about faking it. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Ann2011
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 16, 2011
Posts: 1469
Location: Ontario, Canada
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 7:02 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I usually look down or at my hands and occasionally glance up. When I do make eye contact it is spontaneous and doesn't last for long. It is very intense. |
|
| Back to top |
|
awriterswindow
Butterfly
Joined: Jan 01, 2012
Posts: 17
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 7:12 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| My boyfriend is an Aspie and I don't mind that he needs to look away during conversations. I get why you'd want to be able to return the gesture, though. Maybe if you pick a spot like the space between her eyes, or something similar, you can start there. I think it's great that she knows about you being an Aspie and is caring...seems like she will be patient enough to allow you to work through this. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Mus
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Oct 26, 2010
Posts: 26
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 7:25 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| fraac wrote: | | If you like her you'll want to look in her eyes because you'll enjoy the intensity. |
No, this is not true. I can't speak for all people with Asperger's, but at least for me, there is no conditional statement ("If...then") involved. Looking people in the eye--regardless of context--is always anxiety-proving. I never enjoy it, but I have learned to do it by years of practice. |
|
| Back to top |
|
fraac
Tufted Titmouse
![]()
Joined: Mar 24, 2011
Posts: 1865
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 7:33 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Blimey. No wonder so many of you struggle with love and dating if you aren't thrilled by the intensity of eye contact with someone you like. |
|
| Back to top |
|
AScomposer13413
Complacent Composer
Joined: Feb 02, 2012
Posts: 2044
Location: Canada
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 7:44 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| fraac wrote: | | Blimey. No wonder so many of you struggle with love and dating if you aren't thrilled by the intensity of eye contact with someone you like. |
For me, it's more "too much thrill! Turn it off!!" rather than "They're looking at me! What am I supposed to do?". It's getting better, but there's the odd time out where there's problems  |
|
| Back to top |
|
Mus
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Oct 26, 2010
Posts: 26
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 9:12 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| fraac wrote: | | Blimey. No wonder so many of you struggle with love and dating if you aren't thrilled by the intensity of eye contact with someone you like. |
Labeling people that way "so many of you" tends to "otherize" and turn people away. Let's try to avoid that. We can discuss our lives and experiences without being so exclusionary. Thanks!  |
|
| Back to top |
|
Joker
Sinn Fein
Joined: Mar 20, 2011
Age: 24
Posts: 7593
Location: North Carolina The Tar Heel State :)
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 10:02 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I struggle with reading eye contact if I could learn to read it then I would have mastered reading body language  |
|
| Back to top |
|
fraac
Tufted Titmouse
![]()
Joined: Mar 24, 2011
Posts: 1865
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 10:08 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Mus wrote: | | fraac wrote: | | Blimey. No wonder so many of you struggle with love and dating if you aren't thrilled by the intensity of eye contact with someone you like. |
Labeling people that way "so many of you" tends to "otherize" and turn people away. Let's try to avoid that. We can discuss our lives and experiences without being so exclusionary. Thanks! |
I don't know a polite way to put it. As ASComposer13413 says, it's a thrill. It's meant to be a thrill. How much you can enjoy the intensity is the question. But if you aren't feeling the thrill why would you be near other people? |
|
| Back to top |
|
