NLDblacksmith
Butterfly
Joined: Mar 22, 2012
Posts: 11
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 Posted: Sun Apr 08, 2012 9:34 pm Post subject: Irritated about always being told to "be myself" |
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Hello everybody.
I have absolutely no idea HOW to actually initiate a relationship, have no idea what to say, or if I should say anything at all. When faced with a girl I like, I feel like actually stating my opinion on her would be incredibly rude and that she would tell all her friends, et cetera. When asking for advice, I always get a response saying "be yourself". The problem is that being myself in any type of social situation involves sitting quietly and making the wrong types of reactions to conversational topics. I'm wondering if anybody has any advice (or instructions) other than "be yourself". |
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Boxman108
"Oh...it's just a box."
Joined: Jan 03, 2012
Age: 21
Posts: 1399
Location: NH
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| Posted: Sun Apr 08, 2012 10:03 pm Post subject: |
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Observing how people act can be a big help. Doesn't have to be anyone in particular. Simply study and get ideas about how not only to be reactive, but also proactive - more than likely you'll want to be the latter anyway. I don't think "being yourself" means doing what you're comfortable with, but rather being able to relax while outside of your comfort zone.
_________________
About suffering they were never wrong,
The Old Masters: how well they understood
Its human position; how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or
just walking dully along... |
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XJ220RACER
Blue Jay
Joined: Apr 06, 2012
Age: 19
Posts: 82
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| Posted: Sun Apr 08, 2012 10:13 pm Post subject: |
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I don't know how old you are, but if you're a teenager, my advice is to act the same way around girls you like as you do around your family and other people you're familiar with. Relax and say what you want to say. People can tell when someone is uptight or holding back a lot and relaxed people are much more popular. Being funny is a good way to start. I've found that people find it very funny when I open up and share my thoughts, and if you're funny, people will at the very least want to be around you. This will include girls you're attracted to. They will notice you before you notice them, which is ideal. Once you've made friends with a girl you're attracted to, keep opening up to her and if she opens up to you, you may have something going. I've never really had a girlfriend so I'm still figuring out how I can do the next step best. I also want to wait until I go to college, for several reasons.
The best thing to do is learn from experience. You'll know how good you are once you start doing it.
As for what to blurt out - make sure it is nothing gross, mean, sexual, etc. Make sure it is nothing nerdy either. Don't correct people, and compliment them once in a while. Don't tell the girl you like your feelings right away, instead give her opportunities to find that out on her own, and when she does, ask her out. Girls like being complimented, so telling a girl she is pretty is very good, but don't make it the first thing you tell her. Don't be overbearing, be a little bit underbearing, and if she is approaching you to talk to you, perfect.
Also, make sure the girl you like doesn't have a boyfriend or "thing" with some other guy.
Try not to hate me for telling you all of this, but 3-4 years ago I was in the same situation you were (very quiet around girls) and I grew out of it once I started being myself and stopped looking for advice on the internet. Even if James Bond wrote an advice column on how to pick up girls, it still wouldn't be perfect, because every guy and every girl is different and everyone is attracted to different people. Maybe if I knew you in real life or if you went into more detail, I could give you more specific advice. Everyone is unique and I'd say much more so even with AS people.
_________________
Aspie 108 of 200, NT 106 of 200 - I seem to have both Aspie and neurotypical traits.
http://www.last.fm/user/XJ220RACER |
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Wolfheart
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 18, 2011
Age: 23
Posts: 2971
Location: Kent, England
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| Posted: Mon Apr 09, 2012 1:03 am Post subject: |
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I think they are saying be comfortable in who you are, find an acceptance and understanding of yourself and build up from there. Find something you are truly passionate about and join a club that shares that interest, at least that way you will have a mutual interest to share and you will be able to build comfort and familiarity in the group over time.
| XJ220RACER wrote: | | Girls like being complimented, so telling a girl she is pretty is very good, but don't make it the first thing you tell her. Don't be overbearing, be a little bit underbearing, and if she is approaching you to talk to you, perfect. |
This can be true in some circumstances but I think complementing a girl on something other than her looks is a good thing, complement her on her personality or a particular skill or interest she has. |
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Maerlyn138
Velociraptor
Joined: Nov 03, 2005
Age: 41
Posts: 476
Location: The Island of Misfit Toys
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| Posted: Mon Apr 09, 2012 6:44 am Post subject: |
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| Wolfheart wrote: | I think they are saying be comfortable in who you are, find an acceptance and understanding of yourself and build up from there. Find something you are truly passionate about and join a club that shares that interest, at least that way you will have a mutual interest to share and you will be able to build comfort and familiarity in the group over time.
| XJ220RACER wrote: | | Girls like being complimented, so telling a girl she is pretty is very good, but don't make it the first thing you tell her. Don't be overbearing, be a little bit underbearing, and if she is approaching you to talk to you, perfect. |
This can be true in some circumstances but I think complementing a girl on something other than her looks is a good thing, complement her on her personality or a particular skill or interest she has. |
Definitely. In the past, what luck with women I have had, has been with women that I worked with at the hospitals I've worked at. Yes, it's sucks talking about work, but at least it's a starter. I am a runner also, but have never made any connection at races or anything, even though I would've liked to.
If you are already nervous/having a hard time with women and you put youself in a novel situation in the hope of meeting a women it will only hurt and not help. I used to just go to he book store and read, drink coffee and see what would happen. Nothing ever did, but I felt that at least I'd tried.
_________________
We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.
Aspie score: 159 of 200 NT score: 64 of 200
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Aspie1
Overman
Joined: Mar 08, 2005
Posts: 3723
Location: United States
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| Posted: Mon Apr 09, 2012 8:05 am Post subject: |
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| XJ220RACER wrote: | | As for what to blurt out - make sure it is nothing gross, mean, sexual, etc. Make sure it is nothing nerdy either. |
I've seen people make sexual jokes and have women laugh with them, despite being mildly offended. They even have "that look" in their eyes that they have when they see a bad boy, even though the guy who made the sexual joke is an all-around great guy. The most common one being "that's what she said!" in response to something that sounds dirty but isn't.
I adopted this tactic for myself, with some level of success. It wasn't easy; I had to get a sense of the group, to see if the women there will respond well to it, and oftentimes, I guessed correctly. And it goes without saying that you must NEVER say this joke at work. |
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Kurgan
I'm always right
Joined: Apr 07, 2012
Age: 24
Posts: 1850
Location: Norway
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| Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 7:01 pm Post subject: |
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| When you think about it, isn't the stock JBY answer full of smug? You ask someone for advice and they (indirectly) tell you "look what I achieved by merely being myself!". |
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Shebakoby
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 06, 2009
Age: 40
Posts: 1567
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| Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 10:26 pm Post subject: |
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| I know nothing of initiation (but being a girl I don't think that's really my job anyway), and I wouldn't know what to do if approached, as I find it impossible to ignore the feeling of abject terror that the idea of a relationship brings. |
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Joker
Sinn Fein
Joined: Mar 20, 2011
Age: 24
Posts: 7593
Location: North Carolina The Tar Heel State :)
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| Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 10:28 pm Post subject: |
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| The best way to get a girlfriend boyfriend is to just be yourself and not some one you are trying to be. |
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Aspie_Chav
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 07, 2006
Age: 40
Posts: 3026
Location: Croydon
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| Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 3:23 am Post subject: |
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| Joker wrote: | | The best way to get a girlfriend boyfriend is to just be yourself and not some one you are trying to be. |
Your having a bubble joker. If being an aspie is like living like foreigner in another country. What should a Japanese if he has to live in Jamaica or vice versa
. Should he behave like the person he is in his own country. If you can do that it just means your socially fortunate.
Being yourself most likely "Cause And Effect" fallacy. Where the cause 'not finding love' is confused with effect 'having to change'. So one assumes having to change is creating the problem. When it is the effect. |
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AspieOtaku
Leader of the Otaku Legion
Joined: Feb 18, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 5960
Location: Los Altos, California, United States
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| Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 3:59 pm Post subject: |
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I get told to be myself and when I do, I get told to grow up and act more mature. The world of NTs is a rather confusing place.
_________________
Your Aspie score is 193 of 200
Your neurotypical score is 40 of 200
You are very likely an aspie
No matter where I go I will always be a Gaijin even at home. Like Anime? http://www.anime44.com/anime-list |
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Maerlyn138
Velociraptor
Joined: Nov 03, 2005
Age: 41
Posts: 476
Location: The Island of Misfit Toys
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| Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 9:04 pm Post subject: |
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| Aspie_Chav wrote: | | Joker wrote: | | The best way to get a girlfriend boyfriend is to just be yourself and not some one you are trying to be. |
Your having a bubble joker. If being an aspie is like living like foreigner in another country. What should a Japanese if he has to live in Jamaica or vice versa
. Should he behave like the person he is in his own country. If you can do that it just means your socially fortunate.
Being yourself most likely "Cause And Effect" fallacy. Where the cause 'not finding love' is confused with effect 'having to change'. So one assumes having to change is creating the problem. When it is the effect. |
Yes, it seems easier for some people. Unfortunately "myself" isn't someone the average person is looking for. It would be nice to find an Aspie woman, but unless there is some specific event they'll be concentrated at it'd be quite surprising to stumble across one. I do agree with you Joker in principal, especially with not trying to put on a "show" to meet men/women. (that's how I ended up divorced twice, just saying)
_________________
We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.
Aspie score: 159 of 200 NT score: 64 of 200
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Kurgan
I'm always right
Joined: Apr 07, 2012
Age: 24
Posts: 1850
Location: Norway
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| Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 8:29 am Post subject: |
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| Joker wrote: | | The best way to get a girlfriend boyfriend is to just be yourself and not some one you are trying to be. |
Unless "yourself" is a womanizer with a 200K annual salary and with a social circle consisting of night club owners and party animals, then usually you need to do more. |
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ReaperKnight
Blue Jay
Joined: Apr 09, 2012
Age: 14
Posts: 77
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| Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 9:03 am Post subject: |
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| Kurgan wrote: | | Joker wrote: | | The best way to get a girlfriend boyfriend is to just be yourself and not some one you are trying to be. |
Unless "yourself" is a womanizer with a 200K annual salary and with a social circle consisting of night club owners and party animals, then usually you need to do more. |
200K could mean any currency, so which currency? Japanese Yen, Indian Rupees, Russian Rubles, Vietnamese Dong, Hungarian Forint? What currency do you mean by 200K? |
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Kurgan
I'm always right
Joined: Apr 07, 2012
Age: 24
Posts: 1850
Location: Norway
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| Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 9:38 am Post subject: |
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| ReaperKnight wrote: | | Kurgan wrote: | | Joker wrote: | | The best way to get a girlfriend boyfriend is to just be yourself and not some one you are trying to be. |
Unless "yourself" is a womanizer with a 200K annual salary and with a social circle consisting of night club owners and party animals, then usually you need to do more. |
200K could mean any currency, so which currency? Japanese Yen, Indian Rupees, Russian Rubles, Vietnamese Dong, Hungarian Forint? What currency do you mean by 200K? |
200,000 dollars.  |
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