Halligeninseln
Deinonychus
Joined: Sep 23, 2011
Age: 59
Posts: 377
Location: Central Europe
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 Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 7:06 pm Post subject: A history of isolation |
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| When I was 25 my therapist wrote in my records that I had a history of isolation. After a break of 33 years I am starting therapy again next week. I knew more people those days (maybe about two, for a time) than I do now (only one). So I suppose I still have a history of isolation. I was isolated in the intervening years, too. It's not that I am completely isolated like Robinson Crusoe but I have always been alone nearly all the time. It is difficult to explain to anybody why I am always isolated. Being with people wears me out and draws me into situations I don't want to be in, so I end up staying alone most of the time. Probably a therapist will find it difficult to accept and will urge me to be more outgoing. When I think of how I am it feels kind of eerie that I'm always so isolated. |
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Aspinator
Deinonychus
Joined: Feb 24, 2008
Posts: 326
Location: AspinatorLand
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| Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 9:28 pm Post subject: A History of Isolation |
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I too have that manifestation of Aspergers. I have heard all the crap I am sure you have heard; he's a recluse; he wants to stay by himself all the time. He has had his heart broken and this is his way of dealing with it or my all time favorite "I wonder why he isn't married by now; I wonder what is wrong with him;"
I used to feel horrible about that aspect of my Aspergers/HFA.
I don't any longer. I am what I am. I didn't ask to have these symptoms but I do. There is one story about someone who asked a little girl did she mind having to spend so much time by herself. She replied "no, I don't because I like me" |
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mntn13
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 07, 2011
Posts: 1006
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| Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 9:44 pm Post subject: |
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I'm the same way. So, without joking, my response is you are not alone in this. One of the reasons I came to WP was to see if I could break out of the pattern a bit.
I hope the therapist you have now has some in depth understanding of the situation and is of help to you. |
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questor
Hermit
Joined: Apr 24, 2011
Posts: 1983
Location: Twilight Zone
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| Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 10:34 pm Post subject: Isolation. |
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I am the same way. We are introverts. Too many people, including many psych docs automatically think of introversion as always being unhealthy, or worse a sign of mental illness. While introverts are occasionally unwell or suffering from mental illness that is not usually the case. Rather, most introverted people are just solitary by nature. Unfortunately, the general herd mentality of NTs can't comprehend anyone being okay separate from the herd, so they automatically assume there is something wrong with that person.
Well, I do have other problems in my life, but I don't consider my introversion a problem. Being solitary by nature is not a mental illness, despite what the herd believes, and wants you to believe. Stop buying into their myth! If you prefer to be solitary most of the time, then do so. You don't need therapy to "cure" you of being your own version of normal, unless you are unhappy being solitary. And before you seek therapy for such unhappyness, first ask yourself: Am I unhappy being so solitary, or am I unhappy because others tell me this is unhealthy and I should spend more time with people?
Be yourself, even if that means being by yourself most of the time! I do, and I have to contend with an extroverted NT father in his 80s who is absolutely convinced, in spite of my denials, that I am miserable being by myself. It's being with people that bothers me!  Fortunately, I live alone. Unfortunately, my father and step mom are coming back up to their summer home in a couple of weeks, and that's only 35-40 mins from my place. I will have to spend time with them on at least a weekly basis after that until late October, when they go back south for the winter.  |
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NicoleG
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 26, 2011
Age: 36
Posts: 661
Location: Dallas-Fort Worth
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| Posted: Sat Apr 14, 2012 11:49 am Post subject: Re: Isolation. |
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| questor wrote: | Too many people, including many psych docs automatically think of introversion as always being unhealthy, or worse a sign of mental illness.
Unfortunately, the general herd mentality of NTs can't comprehend anyone being okay separate from the herd.
And before you seek therapy for such unhappyness, first ask yourself: Am I unhappy being so solitary, or am I unhappy because others tell me this is unhealthy and I should spend more time with people? |
I was going to say something along the lines of the first sentence.
I never really thought of it from the "herd" perspective - good way of looking at it.
The third sentence is pure golden advice. |
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Halligeninseln
Deinonychus
Joined: Sep 23, 2011
Age: 59
Posts: 377
Location: Central Europe
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| Posted: Sat Apr 14, 2012 12:52 pm Post subject: |
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| Thank you all for your useful and kind comments. It is good to know that other people have the same experience and can understand what it is like. I feel rather embarrassed about admitting my permanent isolation when I see my new therapist next week, especially as she is a woman and I know women are supposed to place more value on social things, or be better at them anyway. It would be nice to really understand why I am so unsocial but I don't want her to attempt to force me to do things socially. Being alone is usually ok and I get overwhelmed when I socialise even if I can't really explain why. I seem to lack the ability to see why people enjoy being with each other and when I'm in a group I usually don't see the point of why people are saying the things they are saying. This is obviously a bad quality to have but I can't help it. Being alone is sometimes great (when I am focussed on my SI and in a good frame of mind) and at other times at least ok. |
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ablomov
Velociraptor
Joined: Jul 20, 2008
Posts: 402
Location: northern hemisphere
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 6:25 pm Post subject: isolated maybe but happier i bet...... |
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most ppl are crock full of sh** in my opinion. I fly way beyond what they can see or think of.
trust no-one then you'll not be disappointed.
what do you think this heady social whirl will bring you? .. its all posturing and judgemental sh**, everyone out there apart from kin are strangers. and if kin (blood) have fizzled out well think of all the freedoms you have.
to anyone that can I suggest you read and study, learn to fly in some way, even if its a hobby pushed to excellence.
I am never lonelier than if I were to be among people. |
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Looneytunes
Snowy Owl
Joined: Feb 22, 2012
Posts: 162
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 10:42 pm Post subject: |
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I was always around people until I had a fight with the mother of my child and my lawyer and I ended up by myself.
I had a girlfriend that I liked, but she was always getting sick and she was fat and she wasted her life away in college.
At the time - 10 years ago, my girlfriend had about $36,000.00 of debt that she incurred while she was in college on her credit card @ 18% interest.
When I asked her what her major was, she said Womans Studies.
When I asked her what kind of job she could get when she graduated she said NONE.
She needed to go to school for four more years and she needed at least a doctorate degree in order to get a job.
When I asked her where she would have to work, she said in a big city where there was a large employer that needed someone for their human resources department to deal with the employees they already had and to hire the right people for the right positions.
Now I am just a simple country boy that never made more then $24.000.00 in a year and I couldn't see myself living in a city and I couldn't see myself paying off her debt when she got pregnant and couldn't work anymore.
And I couldn't see someone going to college - just because it interested them.
So I gave her her Christmas presents and I said good - bye.
I had two girlfriends after that - that I didn't like.
I kept one about 3 months and about the same for the other one.
So in the last 9 years, I have been home about 99% of the time by myself, doing nothing except home improvements and landscaping, and welding and fabrication and working on amateur radio equipment and antenna's and watching a lot of television.
My phone doesn't ring more then once or twice a week. Maybe a family member saying hi or someone that needs something, but other then that, the only time I am around people is when I go to church once a week.
Since my mom died last year it has gotten really hard to find people to hang out with and do things with and talk to.
That was the reason why I got involved in Amateur Radio.
The hardest part is finding someone to use as a reference for a job.
After a while, most people are mad at me or denies knowing me.
Personally, I don't like people much, because they are always asking me for things but they never offer to give me anything.
They are always charging me for things, while I give everything away free.
I think this world is pretty messed up!
I know I am better off by myself! |
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BuyerBeware
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 29, 2011
Age: 35
Posts: 1038
Location: PA, USA
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 11:41 pm Post subject: |
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Eh. I don't feel to bad about it.
Clinically I'm isolated. I have a spouse, some relatives, a pack of kids, and four friends.
This is the fullest my life has ever been.
In their eyes, it's a start.
In my eyes, my cup runneth over.
_________________
I'm tired. I do not have sufficient strength remaining to persevere in the face of adversity. I accept myself as broken and conformity/compliance as the only acceptable existence. I give up.
What's on TV tonight?? |
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ablomov
Velociraptor
Joined: Jul 20, 2008
Posts: 402
Location: northern hemisphere
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| Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 5:35 am Post subject: yes exactly .... |
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let him step to the music which he hears !! .... exc quote.
loonytunes.... I was heavily into amateur radio years ten to seventeen, all HF, cw too, it filled the void where we lived in an isolated backwater, all done with little or no money and obstructive parents, thousands of hours of swl activity ... boy o boy if i had a son showing technical interests I wld do all i could to help him develop. I was mechanically gifted too, making stuff from scratch .....I think thats what lies at the back of a lot of my anger ... sh** parents. in fact all i do feel is anger fr them, a dad died in '76 and a mother that is the worlds greatest liar and fantasist ....
anywaway, antennas and propogation fascinated me too .... home construction fascinated but so much i made never worked (some did) .... i get confused and jumbled in my mind ... to learn cw took years of effort.
I also know exactly what u mean by ppl asking fr things yet never offering anything in return ie money payment. Thats why I have a total blanket ban on favours or lending, i think the look I wld give crunches any further requests. No fckr helps me so why shld I help them?? its called ... 'being used'. I'll help a neighbour but never at my workplace.
good luck !! |
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edgewaters
hibernating
Joined: Aug 17, 2006
Age: 40
Posts: 2426
Location: Ontario
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| Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 6:06 am Post subject: |
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I don't have a history of isolation ... it's a new experience for me.
I never really appreciated this until now, but I've never had the ability to initiate friendships. All my friends that I ever had, founded our friendship, not me. This sort of annoyed me I think, I felt caught up in things I never chose, and moving was supposed to be this fresh slate where I'd be able to start fresh, and have just a few friends, which I idealized. I was going to have better friends, that I picked, and more space to myself. Dumb, very dumb.
So, now I don't have any friends, and I haven't for years. |
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ablomov
Velociraptor
Joined: Jul 20, 2008
Posts: 402
Location: northern hemisphere
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| Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 6:17 am Post subject: its always been me .... |
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| ....that has initiated interaction, always has been. the older i get the more tired of it i become. nowadays i give 'em full blast if I'm in the mood, I'm too much for most ppl, perhaps even getting on best with those people not too bright, i dunno. everyone is always a stranger. |
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Gebodragon
Emu Egg
Joined: Apr 01, 2012
Age: 57
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 9:41 am Post subject: |
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When I was in therapy, my therapist at first tried to push me to socialize more, but eventually she accepted that I really preferred being alone and stopped pushing me. I'm in my fifties and when I was younger I did make more of an effort to be social, not because I wanted to but because other people kept telling me I should, kept trying to fix me, to "bring me out of my shell" (oh, how I hate that expression!--leave my lovely shell alone!), and implying that something was wrong with me because I wasn't more social. I struggled through a couple of marriages and one or two other relationships that were just an immense relief when they were over.
These days, I have all the contact with people that I can bear through the necessary interactions of my job. I see my daughter briefly most days, as she lives very nearby and stops in, and that's all right, as we get along well. Very rarely I will go out to dinner or for a walk with someone if they invite me and it's someone I'm comfortable with, but I never initiate social things and never, ever invite people to my house. It's my refuge and I love being alone. It's the only time I'm ever really completely relaxed. I am never lonely or bored--I always have things I like to do and that deeply interest me, and I prefer doing them alone.
And as others here have said, being with people exhausts me very quickly. It feels more like work than pleasure, usually.
I agree with the others who've said that it's a matter of whether you are unhappy because you're alone, or unhappy because others have made you feel that something's wrong with you because you want to be alone. |
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edgewaters
hibernating
Joined: Aug 17, 2006
Age: 40
Posts: 2426
Location: Ontario
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| Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 1:01 pm Post subject: Re: its always been me .... |
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| ablomov wrote: | | perhaps even getting on best with those people not too bright, i dunno. |
They're a hell of a lot more genuine, in my experience.
Wanting to be alone is fine, but you know, they're sort of right in a way: if you don't have a social network it really cripples you sometimes. |
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ablomov
Velociraptor
Joined: Jul 20, 2008
Posts: 402
Location: northern hemisphere
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| Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 1:23 pm Post subject: yup |
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.... cripples me as in when wanting to move stuff (heavy items) and v occasionally wld like someone to give me a lift somewhere if my own car not available / garaged.
Xmas day can sometimes be odd in that i know i'm liable to get ratty possibly into late Jan. |
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