I graduated from college today, but I'm depressed & nerv

TabrisAngel · Posted: Sun May 13, 2012 9:32 am Post subject:

And not for reasons you might be thinking about with college. I really don't miss the college I graduated from and never participated much in the life of the college. It was basically a school which focused more on its burgeoning football program and not so much on academics. I went to the anime club occasionally, but not on a regular basis. Since I lived at the edge of town and public transit here is not what it could be, I really didn't have the time. To compound this, the family situation is and was so delicate with my little sister that I just never really did anything fun because I was willing to sacrifice a social life and things I enjoyed to maintain stability at home by babysitting her kid to take some of the slack off of my dad. In the end, all it brought me was a feeling of servitude. Like I have said over and over in my previous posts, my sister and I don't really talk to each other, but she assumes it's mostly because of my Aspergers. I really don't like her, can't stand her, but I'm too afraid to stand up for my self because of her easily becoming angry.

Then there was the situation at the beginning of the semester when she and my dad had a bad fight over his spanking her son. She left with friends for about two days, and when she came back she basically didn't let my dad watch him and instead expected me to watch him. Now I'm willing to watch him somewhat during the day, but I draw a hard limit on taking him into my bed. Which reminds me of this one night where I actually fell asleep and was sleeping soundly (I was so nervous throughout this period that I wasn't sleeping at all) and she came in and tapped on my stomach and tried to make me taker her toddler son. That really impressed on me that I have to eventually stand up for myself because I don't want to be used at will

Anyways, I've been anguishing for this day for so long and looked forward to it, but now that I am done, I am feeling some trepidation. Although I plan to go to graduate school within 1-5 years, I have a long job search ahead of me. My sister also broke up with her boyfriend and is now at home all the time. My other sister is moving out and planning to rent with my mom. She remarked to my mother today after my graduation that when she goes to school in the fall, she can "count on me to help my dad watch her son while she goes to school." I have no intention of doing this.

I'm feeling really scared, discouraged, and not safe. I don't feel like my family will listen to me or cares about my feelings. I am also feeling extremely upset with everything in my life and want change really badly, but don't know where to go other than the get a job and an apartment route.

I need a hug.