How to recognize when a girl is flirting with you?

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ThinkingMonkey
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08 Jun 2012, 3:30 pm

bruinsy33 wrote:
ThinkingMonkey wrote:
bruinsy33 wrote:
I would speculate that many Aspie men need help earlier on in the encounter.That is, many would like to decipher signs that would give them the confidence to ask someone out for a date.If an Aspie man has the confidence to indiscriminately ask out any woman who shows them some sort of attention [regardless whether or not it is true flirting or not] then I would presume many of them wouldn't be single.


I agree with Aspie men need help earlier on in the encounter. I doubt about presume many of them wouldn't be single. Aspie men would probably find more dates. But many turning into a couple is very unlikely I guess.
That's pretty negative thinking.How else does a relationship get going :one party [usually the male] asks the other party out?Yes,many woman will not be compatible with men with AS but if you don't attempt to get into a relationship,you will never have one.


Yes, I agree its negative. Pardon me for that. I am not like this always. Its just dawning upon me that its not exactly an easy task. And, was thinking about the negative aspects when I last read the post.

Attempt should always be done. I agree with the if you don't attempt to get into a relationship,you will never have one.



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08 Jun 2012, 3:30 pm

metaldanielle wrote:
Image


ha ha nice.. If only this were true. :)



ThinkingMonkey
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08 Jun 2012, 3:41 pm

ShamelessGit wrote:
Yea, the fact that I fit well with the autistic girl I met is one of the points of the post. I don't have to worry about that player stuff anymore and I'm so much happier than I was before. it).


Lucky guy :).



ThinkingMonkey
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08 Jun 2012, 3:53 pm

One more thing is that I usually feel that the girls I have had conversation with are usually boring (choose non-intellectual stuff to talk about). What I mean is they have conversations which have no point and have had no intellectual bend. It this just me?



NicoleG
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08 Jun 2012, 4:08 pm

ThinkingMonkey wrote:
One more thing is that I usually feel that the girls I have had conversation with are usually boring (choose non-intellectual stuff to talk about). What I mean is they have conversations which have no point and have had no intellectual bend. It this just me?

I think that describes most of society. It's taken me a long time to find people (friends) that have more sustenance to them.



ThinkingMonkey
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08 Jun 2012, 4:22 pm

NicoleG wrote:
ThinkingMonkey wrote:
One more thing is that I usually feel that the girls I have had conversation with are usually boring (choose non-intellectual stuff to talk about). What I mean is they have conversations which have no point and have had no intellectual bend. It this just me?

I think that describes most of society. It's taken me a long time to find people (friends) that have more sustenance to them.


I agree, most of the society is like that.



bruinsy33
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08 Jun 2012, 10:00 pm

ThinkingMonkey wrote:
ShamelessGit wrote:
It's unlikely that you've only been flirted with twice in the past two years if you're a decent looking and acting guy. Girls flirt a lot in subtle ways so that they don't have to feel rejected if the guy isn't interested.

Yes, I am a decent looking and acting guy. I do get you are weird sometimes though. You may be right. But I could recognize only those 2 instances as 'may be she is flirting'.

ShamelessGit wrote:

If a girl isn't willing to be more direct with you and forgive you for honest mistakes, then she isn't worth it. PERIOD. If she expects anything else then she is expecting you to act like something you're not and she doesn't love you.

I agree with you

ShamelessGit wrote:
I would rather be alone than deal with the majority of women, but luckily for me (this is very lucky for autistic men as there are about 3 autistic men for every woman), I found an autistic girl who likes me. And I don't have to worry about any of this sh** anymore. I've forgotten most of it on purpose because I find it so distasteful.


Good to know you found an aspie girl who likes you :) .

ShamelessGit wrote:
I will still post some basic advice I remember about girls:

Always be confident (or if you're like me when I first started trying to figure this stuff out, get rejected so frequently that you didn't care anymore so that the girls mistook your indifference for confidence) Confident body language involves eye contact (maybe 2/3 of the time, more when listening) and facing towards them with open body posture

It's harder to talk to a girl if you're focused on making her like you rather than carrying on the conversation (this was always difficult for me because most women are boring) because it makes you nervous and might make the girl suspicious.

Listen to what she says

Introduce yourself to girls you don't know

Ask/say situationally dependent questions/statements with emotional relevance to get a conversation started. This actually goes with everybody: NT talk to exchange emotional information, which is why it doesn't make any god damn sense.

There is nothing wrong with being direct so long as you're not crude ("Imma f**k your buttcheeks" takes a lot of skill to pull off with a woman who doesn't already like you)

Girls like to be teased. However you must make sure that you use the correct voice intonation and body language while teasing or they will think you're mean. If you didn't do it right then you can just tell them that you were teasing with what I would guess would be your usual monotone and they would probably think that was funny.

Use friendly body language (the details are every bit as complicated as the grammar of spoken languages)

People feel attached to people they are similar to, so sharing a similar opinion/experience is good

Lead the conversation/interaction with girls. You can figure out what she wants by making suggestions or just asking what she wants if she doesn't like any of them, but girls like it when you take the initiative and make the final choice.

To avoid getting rejected, girls will often state a desire rather than flat out tell you what they want. For instance "I'm hungry = take me somewhere to eat." "I'm tired = take me home"

Pretend like you know what you're doing


Thanks for the advice. But i do not think I can accomplish all of those.
Also, I usually am comfortable with the girls I already know. By already know I mean for a sufficient period of time like at leat 6-8 months. And all the girls(2-3) I knew have had boyfriends.

I definitely am not a player nor do I showcase any of the player stuff. I do have a strong personality and usually appear confident. But, small talk, I usually do not do. And if something isn't interesting I just move(literally) away from there. Anxiety always kicks in, in a one on one situation with a girl.
I am the same way.I am usually only comfortable with women I already know.A cold approach is just not something that I am capable of.



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09 Jun 2012, 8:12 am

ShamelessGit wrote:
It's unlikely that you've only been flirted with twice in the past two years if you're a decent looking and acting guy. Girls flirt a lot in subtle ways so that they don't have to feel rejected if the guy isn't interested.

I looked into some pickup artistry stuff a year or so ago and found that it worked very well (I picked up my first girlfriend less than a week after making a major purchase), but found that I didn't enjoy relationships in which I had to stress out a lot about trying to interpret things that a girl says/does.

If a girl isn't willing to be more direct with you and forgive you for honest mistakes, then she isn't worth it. PERIOD. If she expects anything else then she is expecting you to act like something you're not and she doesn't love you.

I would rather be alone than deal with the majority of women, but luckily for me (this is very lucky for autistic men as there are about 3 autistic men for every woman), I found an autistic girl who likes me. And I don't have to worry about any of this sh** anymore. I've forgotten most of it on purpose because I find it so distasteful.



I will still post some basic advice I remember about girls:

Always be confident (or if you're like me when I first started trying to figure this stuff out, get rejected so frequently that you didn't care anymore so that the girls mistook your indifference for confidence) Confident body language involves eye contact (maybe 2/3 of the time, more when listening) and facing towards them with open body posture

It's harder to talk to a girl if you're focused on making her like you rather than carrying on the conversation (this was always difficult for me because most women are boring) because it makes you nervous and might make the girl suspicious.

Listen to what she says

Introduce yourself to girls you don't know

Ask/say situationally dependent questions/statements with emotional relevance to get a conversation started. This actually goes with everybody: NT talk to exchange emotional information, which is why it doesn't make any god damn sense.

There is nothing wrong with being direct so long as you're not crude ("Imma f**k your buttcheeks" takes a lot of skill to pull off with a woman who doesn't already like you)

Girls like to be teased. However you must make sure that you use the correct voice intonation and body language while teasing or they will think you're mean. If you didn't do it right then you can just tell them that you were teasing with what I would guess would be your usual monotone and they would probably think that was funny.

Use friendly body language (the details are every bit as complicated as the grammar of spoken languages)

People feel attached to people they are similar to, so sharing a similar opinion/experience is good

Lead the conversation/interaction with girls. You can figure out what she wants by making suggestions or just asking what she wants if she doesn't like any of them, but girls like it when you take the initiative and make the final choice.

To avoid getting rejected, girls will often state a desire rather than flat out tell you what they want. For instance "I'm hungry = take me somewhere to eat." "I'm tired = take me home"

Pretend like you know what you're doing


Maybe this is good advice for some, but for myself it might as well be in Mandarin. I just have no concept of using any of that stuff IRL. It's like I have a certain piece of my mind missing. I barely have enough courage and guts just to talk to people IRL. I just can't process the dozen other things you mention while in a conversation. It's stressing enough getting through it w/o saying anything embarrassing.

I feel this way whenever someone post advice like this.



bruinsy33
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11 Jun 2012, 4:19 pm

MR20 wrote:
ShamelessGit wrote:
It's unlikely that you've only been flirted with twice in the past two years if you're a decent looking and acting guy. Girls flirt a lot in subtle ways so that they don't have to feel rejected if the guy isn't interested.

I looked into some pickup artistry stuff a year or so ago and found that it worked very well (I picked up my first girlfriend less than a week after making a major purchase), but found that I didn't enjoy relationships in which I had to stress out a lot about trying to interpret things that a girl says/does.

If a girl isn't willing to be more direct with you and forgive you for honest mistakes, then she isn't worth it. PERIOD. If she expects anything else then she is expecting you to act like something you're not and she doesn't love you.

I would rather be alone than deal with the majority of women, but luckily for me (this is very lucky for autistic men as there are about 3 autistic men for every woman), I found an autistic girl who likes me. And I don't have to worry about any of this sh** anymore. I've forgotten most of it on purpose because I find it so distasteful.



I will still post some basic advice I remember about girls:

Always be confident (or if you're like me when I first started trying to figure this stuff out, get rejected so frequently that you didn't care anymore so that the girls mistook your indifference for confidence) Confident body language involves eye contact (maybe 2/3 of the time, more when listening) and facing towards them with open body posture

It's harder to talk to a girl if you're focused on making her like you rather than carrying on the conversation (this was always difficult for me because most women are boring) because it makes you nervous and might make the girl suspicious.

Listen to what she says

Introduce yourself to girls you don't know

Ask/say situationally dependent questions/statements with emotional relevance to get a conversation started. This actually goes with everybody: NT talk to exchange emotional information, which is why it doesn't make any god damn sense.

There is nothing wrong with being direct so long as you're not crude ("Imma f**k your buttcheeks" takes a lot of skill to pull off with a woman who doesn't already like you)

Girls like to be teased. However you must make sure that you use the correct voice intonation and body language while teasing or they will think you're mean. If you didn't do it right then you can just tell them that you were teasing with what I would guess would be your usual monotone and they would probably think that was funny.

Use friendly body language (the details are every bit as complicated as the grammar of spoken languages)

People feel attached to people they are similar to, so sharing a similar opinion/experience is good

Lead the conversation/interaction with girls. You can figure out what she wants by making suggestions or just asking what she wants if she doesn't like any of them, but girls like it when you take the initiative and make the final choice.

To avoid getting rejected, girls will often state a desire rather than flat out tell you what they want. For instance "I'm hungry = take me somewhere to eat." "I'm tired = take me home"

Pretend like you know what you're doing


Maybe this is good advice for some, but for myself it might as well be in Mandarin. I just have no concept of using any of that stuff IRL. It's like I have a certain piece of my mind missing. I barely have enough courage and guts just to talk to people IRL. I just can't process the dozen other things you mention while in a conversation. It's stressing enough getting through it w/o saying anything embarrassing.

I feel this way whenever someone post advice like this.
Have you ever thought of internet dating?Internet dating eliminates a lot of the usual courtship rituals ,a lot of the work is already done.Two people are meeting up [after the initial meeting online]who may be interested in dating each other.Internet dating allows you to bypass a lot of the flirting/social skills one needs to get to that point[of a meetup].



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11 Jun 2012, 6:16 pm

MR20 wrote:
Maybe this is good advice for some, but for myself it might as well be in Mandarin. I just have no concept of using any of that stuff IRL. It's like I have a certain piece of my mind missing. I barely have enough courage and guts just to talk to people IRL. I just can't process the dozen other things you mention while in a conversation. It's stressing enough getting through it w/o saying anything embarrassing.

I feel this way whenever someone post advice like this.


The idea isn't that you should go out tomorrow, starting conversations and incorporating every single piece of advice given.

Start small.

You're not ugly, like you think you are. But you are pretty unkempt. Work on your grooming. Learn to do laundry. Buy some new clothes. Decent jeans and button down shirts can be found for very cheap, most guys look good dressed like that. Find a deodorant and a cologne you like the smell of. Don't overdo it on the cologne, if you can smell it on yourself, that's too much. Experiment with ways of styling your hair, if that's too much work then just buzz it really short.

You don't have to worry about what other people think of your experiments in improving your appearance yet. Just keep experimenting until you find a look you like. Maybe it'll be a week or two before you feel comfortable out in public with your new look, maybe it'll be a few months. Whatever. Don't worry if your progress is slow, you'll get there eventually.

Once you start feeling better about the way you look, you'll have an easier time out in public.

Start talking to people. Start small. Just say "hi" to people whenever it seems appropriate. Don't worry about starting or maintaining a conversation with them, just say "hi." Most people will just say it back and go on about their business. Every so often, you'll meet someone who takes your greeting as an invitation to have a conversation. This will be awkward and uncomfortable for you, but these people are the best ones to practice actual conversation with. The kind of person who will take a simple "hello" as an invitation to talk is likely outgoing and will have an easy time carrying the conversation.

Don't worry yet about how you do during the conversation. Don't worry yet about applying the bits of advice you've been given. All you're doing is trying to get yourself comfortable around other people. It won't happen all at once, and you may never be entirely at ease socially (I'm certainly not, no matter how much practice I get). But it will eventually get to the point where, even if there's still some anxiety, you won't utterly dread it.

You fear people's reactions to you. If you've gotten bad reactions in the past, you'll probably get more. This is something you'll have to accept. But, if you stick with it, you'll find they become less and less frequent. In the meantime, work on not internalizing those reactions. If someone seems to think poorly of you don't say to yourself "They're right, I suck and I should stop inflicting myself on other people." Instead, try to figure out what specific thing you did to get that reaction, and work on not doing that anymore.

With some practice, you'll realize that you feel a little more comfortable. Again, it'll take a while, but it'll happen. And that's when you start incorporating the little bits of advice you've been given about how to hold up your end of the conversation. Not all at once, it's too much to remember. But bit by bit. Add one suggestion at a time, like asking the person lots of questions, until it becomes (if not second nature) easy to remember. Then add in another tip or conversational technique, and another, and another, giving each one time to start feeling normal and natural before working on the next.

It seems, and I may be wrong, like one of your problems is all or nothing thinking. Like, if you can't become all suave and charming in a day or two, it's not worth trying. But that's not how these things work. They take time, and a lot of practice. And you will most likely never attain the social abilities some people seem to just be born with. But, if you're willing to put in the time and effort, you can make a dramatic improvement. After maybe a year or two, you'll barely recognize the old you. You may never have tons of friends, but you can have some. You may never be the guy every girl wants, but you can be the guy a few of them want.


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11 Jun 2012, 6:27 pm

Let me post a few trivial things from some of our conversations and see if you guys can tell me if she's flirting or if I'm looking way too much into things like I usually do.

"No, it's okay. I am really enjoying talking to you. I am the same way. It is worse in person. Very shy. xD I don't think you could weird me out. =3"- In response to me saying I'm shy and apologizing if I wasn't doing very well in conversating

"Looong day. *Stretch* How are you doing today?"

"Hehe. I love your new picture."

"You never texted me! Haha."- She had given me her number a few days prior to sending this and I hadn't texted yet because I was nervous

"It's okay, I understand ^_^ I feel the same way sometimes, I don't think you are weird at all"- In response to me explaining why I hadn't texted yet

"May I text you in the morning"- In response to me saying I need to head to bed

"NiNi!" in response to me saying goodnight.

She also says hehe whenever I say something nice like a compliment or when we talk about something we have in common.



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23 Oct 2014, 12:01 am

Well, I can't tell you what to do next, I'm very disconnected with all of that (but then again we aspies are like that). But I can tell you that a textbook knowledge won't be much help. I know this from experience, e.g I know a lot about how male and female psychology works for someone my age. But I still just feel uncomfortable whenever a non-basic social thingy pops up.

Anyway, I can tell you that textbook knowledge might be of help, if you test it. Think of it like an experiment: get a theory, test it, note the results, test it and record a lot more times. If the results are consistent, there is your answer.

Hope this helped.

P.S I'm not entirely sure if this will work, but Logic dictates it should.