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Overpossessive BF.. Please tell me what to do Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7  Next  
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BlueMax
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 2:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ToughDiamond wrote:
With respect, I think any good counsellor would call you out for labelling him as "an abuser" when the only objective truth is that he seems to be engaging in abusive behaviour. You might not see the distinction. Also, the title of this thread suggests the original poster would also have to learn something - "please tell me what to do" A good counsellor would never tell anybody what to do. You have to find out for yourself. A good counsellor will try to help you to raise your awareness of the emotional dynamics, to communicate your feelings better, to decide what you want, to negotiate, etc. And if you have to split up, they will try to help you do that, without leaving the poor sod thinking he's a total misogynist. This guy used to be a sweetie. I've already criticised his current behaviour but I'm not joining in with the mob and going all narrow and judgemental......for pity's sake, he's just a poor mixed up kid. What were you expecting - maturity?

I respectfully disagree. The behaviours indicated in the original post are not those of a mixed-up kid, they're the actions of an abuser. Period.

Sadly, I've seen this sort of thing far too often, including my own sister. These people control the lives of their lover/victim and completely remove them from the outside world, making the abuser the ONLY person in their life. The extreme overreactions to so much as talking to or texting someone else is another classic sign. And he's slapped her more than once. These are the classic traits of an abuser. Period. Simple as that.

The counseling isn't for advice on what to do - it's to help deal with the aftermath of having been under his thumb, and to deal with unhealthy thought patterns including still wanting/missing their abuser.
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divineangel
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

simon_says wrote:
Obviously he's very insecure for some unknown reason and he hasnt figured his sh*t out yet. It also sounds like you are inexperienced in talking people down and by not reassuring him you ended up winding him up further. It's one thing to assert privacy, it's another thing to a assert privacy and totally clam up when someone makes allegations. It's counterproductive.. Of course, that's just based on reading one paragraph.

But the fact that it's not an isolated incident and that he slapped you, coupled with the fact that you just don't sound like you are good together anyway, suggests that you shouldnt be seeing him.


You are right.. i have questioned myself too at times..but whenever he has accussed me, I have always tried to reassure him patiently that I am not that sorta girl to cheat on him.. it shocked me in the beginning when he started accussing me, but i always made sure that he be rid of the insecurity. However, since the beginning, I have noticed that he refuses to listen. Its like he has this set notion in his head that if she is on another call and not taking his call in waiting, then am with someone else, or if i go out with my guy friends (who i have been friends with since years before), that I may not be with them and maybe dating someone else. At this point i cannot even communicate with him, because he becomes verbally abusive, and throws allegations, and does not lemme talk also. There have been times when i have sat in fronnt of my friends while out with them and explained to him that he shud not feel paranoid, Now as embarressing it is for me, coz it shows in front of my friends how weak a mind he has, its very difficult to make him understand. He jus ends up shouting and ruining my time on many occassions. I have asked him so many times when we r not fightingthat "do u think i am girl who wud cheat anyone? ask ur heart" and he says "No..u r not." but then when he loses it, he jus loses it.
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divineangel
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ToughDiamond wrote:
Agree. If somebody is suspicious of me, I tell them to poke around to their heart's content, and I'd feel better for it, because I have nothing to hide. It's going to feed into their suspicion and paranoia if I won't let them look at what I'm up to. Of course if it's really confidential material, you could be walking a tightrope. Just use your best judgement and disclose all you dare. Really I think a lot of this is premature expectations. In older couples, if one partner catches the other texting some potential sexual rival, it's cause for concern. But not for young people who are still playing the field and aren't ready for the commitments and the somewhat boring stability necessary for the rearing of secure children. If you were to become a "proper" steady couple, you'd find most of those male friends would get out of your hair. It's a difficult thing for an insecure, infatuated new partner to wait for though. So he's jumped the gun and put you off him a treat.

If you've been having sex together, that's going to make you feel more bonded to each other than might be appropriate if either of you isn't ready for quite a firm commitment. If you've been saying you're in love with each other, that too will fuel expectations. I'd be very surprised if you said you'd never been sexual together and had never implied anything more than a casual relationship.


We have been intimate.. and he knows that bein physically intimate is fine with me only if i care for someone and trust them. I am not the sort to wander to any alley and experiment. Yes I am attractive and get attention from guys wherever I go, but I never encourage them coz if I am focussed on one guy, I am his. He fails to undertand this. Things are absolutely fine if I am infront of him and show him who am texting and what..But to me, this is not ok..Its a breach of privacy. I do not like him saying that "if u wanna dress in short clothes, u do so with me not with other friends". I mean ok, if he is protective about who looks at me I need to ask when I am woth you, would then npt ppl look at me?? Where is the trust here?? Y cant u just trust ur girl?? He has hurt me with calling me a sluyt. I come from an extremely sophisticated family and no1 there even talks to eachother in a loud voice, leave alone calling names. It hurts me that he is abusive even when I am pure at heart.
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Zinia
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Bluemax and the others that called him an abuser. A man who calls a girl a slut and slaps her IS an abuser--he IS someone who could be hauled to jail and convicted of domestic violence.

I know how hard it is to try to reason with an abuser--and the will NEVER get it. You will never be able to explain yourself to him. Abuse is just irrational--and it's a waste of energy to try. I used to get criticized for wearing a long sleeve shirt and long pants because it was "too sexy", don't even get me started on heels--or for trying to get a tutor for one of my classes (because I should have KNOWN that tutors just want to have sex with college students--yeah right!) There is no logic there. (edit--and btw, I do not mean that any tutor came on to me--I mean that I was told not to get a tutor because of this "fact" about tutors.)

And a lot of what you describe is typical of abusers. All physical abusers emotionally abuse as well, and that's what you're describing (besides the slap).

It is very hard to get out of the abuse cycle, most women take seven times before they actually leave. Usually abusers will go through a honeymoon stage where they apologize and are super nice after they abuse...plus the trauma an abuse target undergoes usually affects her way of thinking, as well as her self esteem. (His or her--there are also male abuse victims).

Counseling is a good idea, so is going no contact. Do not let him suck you back in, but don't feel weak or bad about yourself if you do get sucked back in. Have an emergency plan for if he escalates. You can call the local domestic violence shelter and ask if there is counseling in your area.

This may be a messed up kid, but he's also an abuser.

Also--hugs to you, you seem like a nice girl. You do deserve to be free to make your own choices. That's your right. No one is allowed to slap you. I know you really care about this guy and were a loyal partner, but in my opinion you're worth more than to be subjected to this.


Last edited by Zinia on Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:48 am; edited 3 times in total
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divineangel
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ToughDiamond wrote:
Agree. If somebody is suspicious of me, I tell them to poke around to their heart's content, and I'd feel better for it, because I have nothing to hide. It's going to feed into their suspicion and paranoia if I won't let them look at what I'm up to. Of course if it's really confidential material, you could be walking a tightrope. Just use your best judgement and disclose all you dare. Really I think a lot of this is premature expectations. In older couples, if one partner catches the other texting some potential sexual rival, it's cause for concern. But not for young people who are still playing the field and aren't ready for the commitments and the somewhat boring stability necessary for the rearing of secure children. If you were to become a "proper" steady couple, you'd find most of those male friends would get out of your hair. It's a difficult thing for an insecure, infatuated new partner to wait for though. So he's jumped the gun and put you off him a treat.

If you've been having sex together, that's going to make you feel more bonded to each other than might be appropriate if either of you isn't ready for quite a firm commitment. If you've been saying you're in love with each other, that too will fuel expectations. I'd be very surprised if you said you'd never been sexual together and had never implied anything more than a casual relationship.


And yes, he comes from a decent family too. Yes his mom dresses up demure too. whatever I wear, (which is not at all indecent, but stylish and really trendy) I carry off amazingly...i have classy tastes, but I guess its basically trust. I am not sayin I have never been insecure, but not to this extent that I wud blatently call him names, or accusse him...i have expressed my concern or stayed shut... No matter if he is mixed-up, do u think its right for him to slap me??
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divineangel
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

simon_says wrote:
Obviously he's very insecure for some unknown reason and he hasnt figured his sh*t out yet. It also sounds like you are inexperienced in talking people down and by not reassuring him you ended up winding him up further. It's one thing to assert privacy, it's another thing to a assert privacy and totally clam up when someone makes allegations. It's counterproductive.. Of course, that's just based on reading one paragraph.

But the fact that it's not an isolated incident and that he slapped you, coupled with the fact that you just don't sound like you are good together anyway, suggests that you shouldnt be seeing him.


I had been urging him to come to my parties and hang oput with my friends. And i made him meet them and get to know them. But after a while, with his silly fiascos becoming known to my friends, coz i discussed it with them and was disturbed, he became too arrogant and refuses to join us. I even stopped goin out with my friends, lied to them and gave em an excuse, jus so I cud spend time with him since he refused to see any of them.
But his paranoia of not being able to see what i am upto when am not infront of his eyes has brought things to this extent. My friends have always been welcoming to him, but yes they do feel angry at him for making me suffer this way.
He is very sweet whenever I give all my time to him and stay with him, but he loses it when am not with him, which is obviously not possible coz we have diff lives and careers too.
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divineangel
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Zinia wrote:
I agree with Bluemax and the others that called him an abuser. A man who calls a girl a slut and slaps her IS an abuser--he IS someone who could be hauled to jail and convicted of domestic violence.

I know how hard it is to try to reason with an abuser--and the will NEVER get it. You will never be able to explain yourself to him. Abuse is just irrational--and it's a waste of energy to try. I used to get criticized for wearing a long sleeve shirt and long pants because it was "too sexy", don't even get me started on heels--or for trying to get a tutor for one of my classes (because I should have KNOWN that tutors just want to have sex with college students--yeah right!) There is no logic there. (edit--and btw, I do not mean that any tutor came on to me--I mean that I was told not to get a tutor because of this "fact" about tutors.)

And a lot of what you describe is typical of abusers. All physical abusers emotionally abuse as well, and that's what you're describing (besides the slap).

It is very hard to get out of the abuse cycle, most women take seven times before they actually leave. Usually abusers will go through a honeymoon stage where they apologize and are super nice after they abuse...plus the trauma an abuse target undergoes usually affects her way of thinking, as well as her self esteem. (His or her--there are also male abuse victims).

Counseling is a good idea, so is going no contact. Do not let him suck you back in, but don't feel weak or bad about yourself if you do get sucked back in. Have an emergency plan for if he escalates. You can call the local domestic violence shelter and ask if there is counseling in your area.

This may be a messed up kid, but he's also an abuser.

Also--hugs to you, you seem like a nice girl. You do deserve to be free to make your own choices. That's your right. No one is allowed to slap you. I know you really care about this guy and were a loyal partner, but in my opinion you're worth more than to be subjected to this.


Thanks Zinia, I so need the support. I have tears in my eyes right now coz i genuinely cared for this guy.. and he never got that..whatever I did was less..talking to me roughly and in crass language was a shocker, but i put up with it all bcoz he used to apologize to me later on and swear that he would not do it again. its really tuff for me to not dial his number, but i wont..I know everyone in this discussion support me. The worst part is, after he slapped me, he did not even apologize once.. He did not even call me once after that...


Last edited by divineangel on Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:57 am; edited 1 time in total
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BlueMax
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

divineangel wrote:
No matter if he is mixed-up, do u think its right for him to slap me??


How many times do you have to hear "NO" before you accept it? You're making a lot of excuses to try and keep this guy... that's seriously not healthy considering his abusive actions of hitting you, removing you from your friends, stealing your privacy, publicly embarrassing you, screaming obscenities at you, making serious false accusations and constant paranoia.

You also say "everything's fine"... provided you don't do anything to make him mad. That's more abuse and control as well.

Ultimately, nobody can tell you what to do - you'll make your decisions on your own. I would highly encourage you to speak to someone you trust to have a sound mind (your parents, I hope?) and hear their voice on this matter.

I've known too many people in your exact situation... it never ends well if they stay with the person because abusers like this almost NEVER change.

Please - be cautious... be sensible...
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divineangel
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 2:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

BlueMax wrote:
divineangel wrote:
No matter if he is mixed-up, do u think its right for him to slap me??


How many times do you have to hear "NO" before you accept it? You're making a lot of excuses to try and keep this guy... that's seriously not healthy considering his abusive actions of hitting you, removing you from your friends, stealing your privacy, publicly embarrassing you, screaming obscenities at you, making serious false accusations and constant paranoia.

You also say "everything's fine"... provided you don't do anything to make him mad. That's more abuse and control as well.

Ultimately, nobody can tell you what to do - you'll make your decisions on your own. I would highly encourage you to speak to someone you trust to have a sound mind (your parents, I hope?) and hear their voice on this matter.

I've known too many people in your exact situation... it never ends well if they stay with the person because abusers like this almost NEVER change.

Please - be cautious... be sensible...


Yes. I have already left him..I know that once an abuser, always an abuser...his behavior was goin from bad to worse. with each instance, a new unrealistic demand was cropping up. thats y i retaliated, asked him to leave me alone, and got slapped in return..the verbal abuse was since a long time..I wont take him bak..but yes, i do wanna see him suffer and realize that he lost someone like me, who could have made him happy and sane.
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BlueMax
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 2:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

divineangel wrote:
yes, i do wanna see him suffer and realize that he lost someone like me, who could have made him happy and sane.


One, you could NOT have made him happy or sane. Impossible. One can only control their own brain activity, so he is the only one that could make himself happy.

Two, wanting to see him suffer is all too human but a dangerous trait. It's extremely unproductive and self-destructive... But I understand this all just happened so emotions are fresh and raw. Try not to let anger consume you or linger on too long...

Someone once said it best, "Hating someone is like taking a big drink of poison in hopes it'll make someone else sick."

Surround yourself with your friends and help yourself through this... you can make it. Wink
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Zinia
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 2:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

divineangel wrote:


Thanks Zinia, I so need the support. I have tears in my eyes right now coz i genuinely cared for this guy.. and he never got that..whatever I did was less..talking to me roughly and in crass language was a shocker, but i put up with it all bcoz he used to apologize to me later on and swear that he would not do it again. its really tuff for me to not dial his number, but i wont..I know everyone in this discussion support me. The worst part is, after he slapped me, he did not even apologize once.. He did not even call me once after that...


Just remember that your love for him and your missing him is just testimony to your ability to love and care for another person. That's awesome, and it shows what a valuable person you are and why you do deserve better.

BlueMax: A lot of dynamics work in an abusive relationship. It's normal to miss an abuser, just like most people miss any lost love. She really cared about him, and it's hard to accept the cold truth about him.

Divineangel, there is a good online support group for abuse survivors. If you want to talk to people who've been through a similar experience, or get advice on how to heal, visit the Daily Strength forum for Physical and Emotional Abuse. There are tons of caring people there who understand how painful it is to leave an abuser. http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical-Emotional-Abuse/support-group
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divineangel
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 3:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

BlueMax wrote:
divineangel wrote:
yes, i do wanna see him suffer and realize that he lost someone like me, who could have made him happy and sane.


One, you could NOT have made him happy or sane. Impossible. One can only control their own brain activity, so he is the only one that could make himself happy.

Two, wanting to see him suffer is all too human but a dangerous trait. It's extremely unproductive and self-destructive... But I understand this all just happened so emotions are fresh and raw. Try not to let anger consume you or linger on too long...

Someone once said it best, "Hating someone is like taking a big drink of poison in hopes it'll make someone else sick."

Surround yourself with your friends and help yourself through this... you can make it. Wink


Thank you sooo much for hearing me out....its tuff for me knowing that someone can abuse me and jus up n leave without a thought. I guess the fact that I was rigid with him for a while was all for good. And i shud not feel guilty over that. You are right that only he himself and make himself happy. I shudder at the tot if i had gone ahaead and married him...I would have been in heaps of trouble. I thank God to have given me friends and ppl who i have never met and they care so much for me. Its tuff to get unused to his presense, but atleast he does not know that..and it shud stay that way..
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divineangel
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 3:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Zinia wrote:
divineangel wrote:


Thanks Zinia, I so need the support. I have tears in my eyes right now coz i genuinely cared for this guy.. and he never got that..whatever I did was less..talking to me roughly and in crass language was a shocker, but i put up with it all bcoz he used to apologize to me later on and swear that he would not do it again. its really tuff for me to not dial his number, but i wont..I know everyone in this discussion support me. The worst part is, after he slapped me, he did not even apologize once.. He did not even call me once after that...


Just remember that your love for him and your missing him is just testimony to your ability to love and care for another person. That's awesome, and it shows what a valuable person you are and why you do deserve better.

BlueMax: A lot of dynamics work in an abusive relationship. It's normal to miss an abuser, just like most people miss any lost love. She really cared about him, and it's hard to accept the cold truth about him.

Divineangel, there is a good online support group for abuse survivors. If you want to talk to people who've been through a similar experience, or get advice on how to heal, visit the Daily Strength forum for Physical and Emotional Abuse. There are tons of caring people there who understand how painful it is to leave an abuser. http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical-Emotional-Abuse/support-group


Thanks Zinia, u understand my predicament surely. He was extremely caring and attention giving when he was ok, but equally scary with his demands and off temper.. I guess am missing the good points, coz when he did slap me and almost abducted me in his car by refusing to drop me home till ig ave him an answer as to y i cheated on him (or so he thot) and dint let me explain even when i tried coz he was too busy repeating the same statement some 20 times and acting aggressive, I knew i had to jus get away from him. I so need to get over him..it pinches me that he jus left without even an apology..
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ToughDiamond
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 11:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

BlueMax wrote:

Sadly, I've seen this sort of thing far too often, including my own sister. These people control the lives of their lover/victim and completely remove them from the outside world, making the abuser the ONLY person in their life. The extreme overreactions to so much as talking to or texting someone else is another classic sign. And he's slapped her more than once. These are the classic traits of an abuser. Period. Simple as that.

The counseling isn't for advice on what to do - it's to help deal with the aftermath of having been under his thumb, and to deal with unhealthy thought patterns including still wanting/missing their abuser.


I'd have to know more about both the current case and that of your sister and of these others you have seen. What I meant about counsellors being unlikely to label people, is that I strongly believe that's the most objective way to think, not just for couple counselling, but for post-mortems such as this one. For me, the only "period" thing about this business is that both people are human beings period. I don't say this to disprotect anybody from abuse or to allow anybody to duck out of responsibility, or to belittle anybody's personal experiences of abuse.

In my way of thinking, there's only one use for this put-down labelling thing, and that's if I declare war on somebody. I would then demonise the enemy to my allies, in the hope that it would make them want to fight alongside me to defeat my enemy. But I'm more of a "peace in our time" type. Doesn't mean I'm not ready to defend myself. And that kid doesn't need defeating, he's already been defeated without the need to raise an army. Our role here, I hope, is just to find out what the hell happened, and I want to probe beyond the superficial.

I hold with this "enlightened counsellor" view of all humanity because it's too easy to demonise the other person and use that as an excuse not to grow, to ignore their part in the trouble. I've had relationships with people you would probably just label as jerks, and I'm tempted to do that to them myself, but I can't do that. Counselling for personal growth can be quite frustrating because they won't reinforce your prejudices like casual friends so often do, they won't accept pejorative labels as the whole story. It's very uncomfortable at first but I think it's often the only way to mature emotionally. I think that moral certainty is always grounds for suspicion, and I think a lot of the posters here did rather wade in with more than a soupcon of that, and I would prefer them to be more cautions in their judgements.
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Zinia
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 12:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ToughDiamond wrote:

I'd have to know more about both the current case and that of your sister and of these others you have seen. What I meant about counsellors being unlikely to label people, is that I strongly believe that's the most objective way to think, not just for couple counselling, but for post-mortems such as this one. For me, the only "period" thing about this business is that both people are human beings period. I don't say this to disprotect anybody from abuse or to allow anybody to duck out of responsibility, or to belittle anybody's personal experiences of abuse.

In my way of thinking, there's only one use for this put-down labelling thing, and that's if I declare war on somebody. I would then demonise the enemy to my allies, in the hope that it would make them want to fight alongside me to defeat my enemy. But I'm more of a "peace in our time" type. Doesn't mean I'm not ready to defend myself. And that kid doesn't need defeating, he's already been defeated without the need to raise an army. Our role here, I hope, is just to find out what the hell happened, and I want to probe beyond the superficial.

I hold with this "enlightened counsellor" view of all humanity because it's too easy to demonise the other person and use that as an excuse not to grow, to ignore their part in the trouble. I've had relationships with people you would probably just label as jerks, and I'm tempted to do that to them myself, but I can't do that. Counselling for personal growth can be quite frustrating because they won't reinforce your prejudices like casual friends so often do, they won't accept pejorative labels as the whole story. It's very uncomfortable at first but I think it's often the only way to mature emotionally. I think that moral certainty is always grounds for suspicion, and I think a lot of the posters here did rather wade in with more than a soupcon of that, and I would prefer them to be more cautions in their judgements.


I can see what you're saying about everyone being considered humans, and resisting labels.

But I would contend that a GOOD counselor would connect the girl to Domestic Violence resources, such as DV counseling, or legal help, because what she described is clearly/legally domestic violence, and the rest of what she describes is textbook for abuse.
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