tjr1243
Toucan
Joined: Apr 01, 2012
Posts: 294
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 Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 1:54 am Post subject: Do you find people generally forgiving of social faux pas? |
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I have this (possibly paranoid) fear that I will give off the wrong vibe in ONE situation, then people won't like me forever.
Example: I was interacting with a group of people, including someone who uses a wheelchair. He also talks with a lisp and is sometimes hard to understand.
I was feeling very self-conscious at the time, because I knew people were watching me interact with him, I could not determine his intellectual level....I know at first glance that many people would underestimate him because people, wrongly, sometimes equate using a wheelchair with reduced comprehension and act patronizing.
Anyway, I did not want to treat him the way he may dislike being treated, but nervousness (due to having an audience) took hold and my face involuntarily turned into a grimace from a smile....I fear the effect was actually a smirk 
Being nervous about being watched during the conversation could have been misinterpreted as having a superior (or intolerant) attitude.
So my paranoid mind worked out that......oops.......maybe everyone concluded that the accidental facial expression was a window into my soul, that I'm really a nasty, intolerant, smirky snob with a superiority complex. After all, people (especially NTs) watch non-verbals very closely, and they may believe one off note is a window into a person's true feelings.
My Aspie logic says that one faux pax throws huge red flags to NTs......they are watching closely for nonverbals that do not match the words. One off expression is a reason not to trust. One ill-placed comment is enough to cause a person to believe that they caught a glimpse of your soul.......Selfishness, for instance. How many of you have forgotten someone's birthday or to ask a follow-up question, like "How is your mom/dad/brother/sister/dog/cat?" (This one I find difficult, as the question or thought comes too late in the conversation, then I seem like an unconcerned jack*** for not bringing it up sooner than an afterthought)..........  
Do you find people remember social errors you make or are they generally forgiving?
Last edited by tjr1243 on Wed Jun 20, 2012 2:11 am; edited 2 times in total |
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scubasteve
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 18, 2009
Age: 28
Posts: 993
Location: Ann Arbor, Michigan
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 2:04 am Post subject: |
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| I think it depends on how close you are with the other people involved. If they don't know you very well, they'll most likely forget about it within a day or two. If it's someone you're close with, they may remember longer. In any case, I always seem to remember my own social faux pas long after everyone else has forgotten. |
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Bunnynose
Sea Gull
Joined: May 18, 2012
Posts: 200
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 2:39 am Post subject: |
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Sounds like you're overthinking this perceived ONE time = forever problem.
If you're truly listening, without making judgments, your face will not be contorting into the Riddler's smile. It would instead be blank and any comment you make will be either noncommittal (Is that right? Hmmm. Would you repeat that, I didn't quite hear you?) or definitive (Yes. No. I don't agree and here's why). Your eyes could show animation though, as in opening wide or squinting in scrutiny when the speaker's words make you incredulous. And if the speaker is telling a joke, wait for the punchline and then laugh.
And instead of worrying about other people and how they will react to you as well as fixating on your worries, anxieties and insecurities, try to get out of your head by concentrating on listening to whoever is speaking. So next time you play audience, remember to turn off the negative self-talk, let the speaker be convinced you're genuinely listening to him, and interact with him and anybody else who chimes in. |
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outofplace
Geometrophile
Joined: Jun 11, 2012
Age: 39
Posts: 1771
Location: In A State of Quantum Flux
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 2:53 am Post subject: |
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It all depends on how you play it. One of the odd truths that life has taught me is that people would rather you be confidently wrong than timidly right (this took me over 30 years to figure out!). So, if you come off as confident, most people will be fairly accepting of you despite your minor quirks. What most people seem to want is to be listened to and if you learn how to listen to them and give the right cues back then they really don't care. The problem though is figuring out those right cues. Giving some eye contact without staring (or at least looking in the general direction of their face), small gestures, etc. will all make them think you care about what they are saying even if you don't. The most important thing though is that you need to be able to laugh off certain mistakes on your part while still appearing like you think you belong there. Having self confidence is key to this.
I'd also say that it is important not to come off as a know it all. Be confident enough in yourself to say you don't know when you really don't know and that you were wrong when proven wrong. Remember that every person you will interact with in life has something to teach you. Sometimes it is what NOT to do but most of the times it is something positive. Letting them go on and on talking will let them teach you what they have to teach . In the end, most human beings are narcissistic. Their impression of you will be positive if you make them feel good about themselves. Do this, and many people can learn to overlook your awkwardness.
This may not all apply in high school, but happily the adult world is a hell of a lot less of a nightmare than that. As an adult, you need to be able to make a living, and it's hard to do that if the world perceives you as a bully. People who bully others and are constantly putting forth overt signs of dominance don't impress most people in the adult world. Thus, everything gets a little easier once you learn to adapt to not having to deal with the intense pressure you had in grade school.
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Uncertain of diagnosis, either ADHD or Aspergers.
Aspie quiz: 143/200 AS, 81/200 NT; AQ 43; "eyes" 17/39, EQ/SQ 21/51 BAPQ: Autistic/BAP- You scored 92 aloof, 111 rigid and 103 pragmatic
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OJani
a brat
Joined: Feb 24, 2011
Age: 40
Posts: 2320
Location: Budapest, Hungary, Europe
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 3:54 am Post subject: |
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I believe the majority of people are indeed forgiving of social faux pas. Many people do this anyway, NT or not. Some people who don't like you for some reason might feel justified in their wrong beliefs, though. Some might even use it against you. But, overall, I don't think that even a series of unfortunate social faux pas has much effect if they are mostly minor and there are no other issues with your behavior.
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Another non-English speaking - DX'd at age 38
"Aut viam inveniam aut faciam." (Hannibal) - Latin for "I'll either find a way or make one." |
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again_with_this
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 14, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 780
Location: New Jersey, USA
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 4:35 am Post subject: Re: Do you find people generally forgiving of social faux pa |
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| tjr1243 wrote: | | I have this (possibly paranoid) fear that I will give off the wrong vibe in ONE situation, then people won't like me forever. |
Story of my life! |
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Mummy_of_Peanut
Countess de Noir
Joined: Feb 21, 2011
Age: 40
Posts: 3478
Location: Bonnie Scotland
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 5:08 am Post subject: |
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This is why I found the film 'My Name is Khan' quite unrealistic. Khan makes a social faux pas at dinner (criticises the hostess's cooking). Everyone just laughs, as if he's just so funny, when in reality, he would get stared at angrily and the hostess would take offence.
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"We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiatic about." Charles Kingsley |
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Surfman
beyond human
Joined: Aug 02, 2010
Age: 50
Posts: 3938
Location: Homeward bound
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 5:13 am Post subject: |
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I live in Auckland NZ and we have a very divided bullying culture.
Its been compared to Israel/Palestine and South Africa due to Anglo Saxon/Polynesian disparities. We have very high incidence of chronic illnesses such as cancers, social problems like suicide, teen pregnancies, aggressive drivers are everywhere.....etc etc.... cannabis use is very high.
With this high level of bullying, any faux pas is jumped on quicker than a factual error in a room full of aspies 
Try being half caste like me and making a faux pas.... too white to be fully accepted by Polynesians, too black to be fully accepted by Anglo Saxons
ooops did I just say something wrong??
Last edited by Surfman on Wed Jun 20, 2012 5:25 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Mummy_of_Peanut
Countess de Noir
Joined: Feb 21, 2011
Age: 40
Posts: 3478
Location: Bonnie Scotland
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 5:18 am Post subject: |
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| Surfman wrote: | Try being half caste like me and making a faux pas.... to white to be fully accepted by Polynesians, too black to be fully accepted by Anglo Saxons
ooops did I just say something wrong?? |
Only if the term 'half caste' is no longer used NZ, unless in a derogatory fashion. 
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"We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiatic about." Charles Kingsley |
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Surfman
beyond human
Joined: Aug 02, 2010
Age: 50
Posts: 3938
Location: Homeward bound
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 5:27 am Post subject: |
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| Mummy_of_Peanut wrote: | | Surfman wrote: | Try being half caste like me and making a faux pas.... to white to be fully accepted by Polynesians, too black to be fully accepted by Anglo Saxons
ooops did I just say something wrong?? |
Only if the term 'half caste' is no longer used NZ, unless in a derogatory fashion. |
well at least this time I was only offensive regarding myself... 'mixed race' then, thanks Peanuts Mum 
ooooops again |
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Ann2011
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 16, 2011
Posts: 1530
Location: Ontario, Canada
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 9:18 am Post subject: |
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| I find people to be generally forgiving. I think they judge based on an overall impression. One facial expression will not make or break you. |
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Kinme
Dinosaurlicious
Joined: Apr 14, 2012
Posts: 3223
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 12:14 pm Post subject: |
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| scubasteve wrote: | | I think it depends on how close you are with the other people involved. If they don't know you very well, they'll most likely forget about it within a day or two. If it's someone you're close with, they may remember longer. In any case, I always seem to remember my own social faux pas long after everyone else has forgotten. |
/Stalk
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Joe90
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 24, 2010
Posts: 8258
Location: Great Britain
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 1:44 pm Post subject: |
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NTs aren't all social experts. They do not always notify every little detail of one's actions, unless for specific reasons, like for example a group of people planning a surprise birthday party for someone, and one of them saying ''watch what he/she does when he/she enters the room and finds us all here'', and they all watch carefully to see what his/her reaction is. But generally, people don't always immediately catch you out all the time.
I think all this about NTs and being excellent with reading body language is overestimated and frightens those with conditions that affect their social mind, like people on the spectrum and people who suffer with Social Phobia or anxiety disorders and even OCD. It puts you off wanting to do anything in front of people because of the fear of thinking that they're all taking in exactly every move you do and judging you against it, and it becomes very disturbing and can drive you to stress.
My mum is an NT, and last week I was in a busy shopping mall with her, and we were both queueing up to pay for something. When my mum got to the till, the woman looked at us both and said, ''I'll be back in a moment'', and we stood and waited. Then another cashier came along and just looked at me and said, ''do you want to be served?'' as though I was a seperate customer, even though I was standing right next to my mum and was obvious that I was with her. When we came out of the shop, I said to my mum, ''why are people so stupid? Couldn't she figure out I was just with you? If I was a seperate customer I wouldn't of been standing right next to you, I would of been carrying an item and looking over at the desk and making eye contact with the cashier, giving a clear impression that I wanted to be served. But I wasn't doing anything like that, I thought neurotypicals could read body language?'' And my mum said, ''it's not always that easy with people. The cashier just saw somebody standing there, whatever you were doing.''
After my mum said that, I realised she was right: people don't always judge situations by just reading one's body language because body language is a clue but is not always exactly right each time, being so there is no logical right or wrong answers with body language. Body language is more complex than something like 2+2, because 2+2 will always equal 4 no matter what circumstances, whereas body language can change and can be mistaken or taken into context, all sorts of things.
So when you were speaking to the person in the wheelchair, the people listening were probably more interested in the conversation. You didn't do anything signifficantly different or offensive what people would remember, so whatever you think you did wrong was immediately forgotten or it might not of even been noticed in this situation. Paranoia and/or Social Phobia can play a big role in thinking people are more hypersensitive to body language than what they really are. I should bear that in mind too, being that I'm a severe Social Phobe.
Remember, some people are better at reading body language than others. NTs don't all have the same mindset.
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ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
Rasta is about freedom and the living God
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Joined: Jun 19, 2008
Posts: 7998
Location: Babylon
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 2:07 pm Post subject: |
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| They tend to forgive them if they are from certain people. Like, someone in a leadership role, depending on how bad the faux pas is. They are explained away as misunderstandings or mistakes and they occur with great frequency. If the person making it is well liked, they are forgiven right away. If they are unpopular, the faux pas becomes an excuse for others to be hateful and unforgiving even though the real reason is they simply do not like the person making the faux pas. |
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StuckWithin
Raven
Joined: Nov 29, 2011
Posts: 120
Location: My mind
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 2:25 pm Post subject: |
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My approach is to permanently avoid (if this is possible) those who you can tell dislike you for a simple innocent faux pas. I figure that they are always going to use your achilles heel - the innate tendency to not say or do the socially correct, unspoken thing - to demean you in front of their friends. It has happened to me MANY times, and was always a painful situation. It is even worse when it happens at work, because then it is a form of bullying that may cost you your livelihood.
I refer to such judgmental people as "raging neurotypicals". You know, forever defining their lives by the perceived approval they get from their "peeps". Such people tend to be either dismissive of Aspies or outright hostile - and their hostility seems to gain speed if they think that they can get social approval from within their circle by "weeding out" the weirdos. Once burned in this way, I avoid such people with a passion.
Frankly I tend to prefer socializing with other outcasts, because I feel sympathy for them.
Last edited by StuckWithin on Wed Jun 20, 2012 2:31 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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