Depersonalization and Loss of Self

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I have suffered from depersonalization disorder - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder - since about 4 years old when my parents divorced. Any sadness I showed about this was challenged with "this is the way it is, there is no need for you to be upset about it, it's not your fault." I was upset about it, but was told that this was unrealistic. Okay, so I'm blaming my parents for my problems - unacceptable. I have to take responsibility. Of course, I had AS as well (although this was not diagnosed until age 39.) I was told that it was my attitude, that if I tried harder I would get along fine.
A strange thing happened around 8 years old. I tried to join the other kids in their dislike for me. Making fun of myself, putting myself down and eventually self harming - because I wanted to distance myself from myself.
I continued in this vein until I discovered intoxicants which I love to this day because they are the only thing that gives me an interest in myself.
But this is what concerns me now. The only way I can take an interest in myself or anything else is to be high on something. I think I may, at some point, have killed off my soul. And I'm wondering if there is any way to get it back.
Has anyone out there been able to recover their soul and take an interest in themselves after years of abuse. I still hold out hope.

I am not the most spiritual person in the world but it seems to me that there would be no way for you to seperate you from or to kill off your soul.

You need to learn to love yourself and to value yourself. Your self-medicating with intoxicants is only destroying you. You must know you deserve better.

Hmm. Seems like you my have quite a few issues here: anxiety, drug addiction, depression, low self esteem. Some of those issues are treated by medication. Some may be intense enough that they require hospitalization or maybe even a drug treatment program. If left unchecked, you're headed for a whole lot of trouble. Losing yourself and finding your way back I possible with continued support. I am speaking from experience, by the way. Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt. Would never want to be psych hospitalized for months again, though.

I suffer from depersonalization and dtealization too. Its been 10 months of hell.

I have this a bit sometimes too but I think it has more to do with my past psychedelic/marijuana use...perhaps it's a bit different in my case. It's not constant and usually happens more when I'm tired, I feel outside of myself and like I'm experiencing emotions objectively instead of subjectively, it's weird.

No, a shattered soul is like a Horcrux.

I've been trying to understand dissociation, depersonalization and derealization for a long time. Would you mind elaborating your condition and symptoms? I did not really understand what exactly you are experiencing.

It's interesting that you have been suffering from that young age! I did not know it was possible. Does this mean your state has been constant (or at least present in some way) ever since your early childhood? I find dissociation among the most horrifying states, so I cannot even imagine the pain that caused for a child.

Have you tried using any medication? I'm not talking about dangerous narcotics, but there are some drugs that may be able to help or relieve dissociative states.

Dissociation is emotional numbness. It can also be not feeling like yourself. You might have different characters in your head (not multiple personalities, but just different personalities as if you were in a different mood, like faces if you wish)
Then there's the obvious Dissociative Identity Disorder (previously named Multiple Personality Disorder)

Depersonaliation is out of body experience, so you feel like another person, your body doesn't feel yours, and it's like you are sat just on top of your body, and you shouldn't be. You look in the mirror and you shouldn't be seeing anyone there, or you should see someone else.

Derealisation is where things around you don't feel real. It can feel black and white, it can feel big and you feel like a tiny ant, it can feel like a cartoon or sketch, it could feel fake and plastic, it could feel like lego, or you could even feel like you're in a dream.

I experience all 3 on a daily basis due to having BPD.
There aren't really any meds that can help with this unfortunately.

I don't think any evil acts were involved; just the way things went.



It's hard to describe ... maybe a feeling of loss of connection with yourself and others and everything else. Very isolating and scary. You're own body can feel like an enemy.

i knoe how u feel on that for me, theres times were just sitting or standing or doing anything at all bothers me to no end, like i feel utterly trapped and uncomfortable in my own skin and just can not get comfortable and the feeling comes out of no where n suddenly stops, but then there is the whole "world looks fake, plastic, or like a set" that goes on pretty constantly. Oddly enough, marijuana helps me in that simply because i can tell myself im just high, itll pass. cuz when im sober n the world is like that, i cant really tell myself s**t cuz idk how long itll take to pass

I think I used to have this, and I'm sorta getting that way again but not to the same degree?!?!?! I dunno.

Such a horrible feeling. It's awful when the worst enemy is your own mind.


Marijuana helps to bring me back to the world. Such a strange thing, when you need a drug to make you feel normal.

It's not a nice feeling. TBH, I couldn't function without medication. Realizing your limitations is a huge step. Don't be afraid to ask your doctor for help.

As odd as this might sound, one of my saving graces in this is that one of my recurring special interests is myself... I know... selfish, but it is what it is. I did a lot of drugs as a younger person and it was hard to transition from getting caught up in myself when I was wasted to when I was sober. It is possible though, it just takes time and patience.

I did not go through as much abuse as I did neglect... I do not know if that helps me any here. I know I still fight with dissociating and under stress everything falls into surreal mode... it sucks. For the past few months it has been like I am walking through saline solution or sitting two inches back in my head while 'my big quiet' is driving my body. I am just now getting back to something like normal.

Do you have a therapist you speak with? Mine works with me a lot about stress relief techniques... when I can be in the right head space, they work wonders for me. Even if it is not permanent, even the slightest break from this crap does a world of good.

I wish you well in this.

My suggestion is to go through the Survivor to Thriver manual. Obviously, don't do any of the exercises without a therapist's help if they make you feel mentally unstable or anything.

http://www.ascasupport.org/manual.php

That's me exactly, as a kid, too. I think it contributed greatly to my lack of social skills -- I was always "in my head" or "not in the world."

This is something I've dealt with much of my life as well. I didn't even know it was a thing until fairly recently. For the longest time I assumed everyone perceived things the way i did, and then in talking to people about perception learned that it was actually supposed to work very differently.

There's actually a message board dedicated to depersonalization. It's not nearly as active as WP, but I found a lot of useful advice for dealing with the condition there.http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/

Through that website and various support elsewhere I've figured out how to make peace with it and even occasionally slip out of it. It doesn't last long but it's enjoyable when it happens.