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Darian_C
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Mar 27, 2009
Age: 15
Posts: 56
Location: Las Vegas, Nevada
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 Posted: Tue Apr 07, 2009 1:02 am Post subject: |
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Not everyone will agree, everyone has a different opinion and expresses their method of socializing differently. You always have the added element of random tendencies in life to change the circumstances to situations, it happens every once in a while.
Therefore discretion is an important factor, only do what you should. |
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Tom
bass martian
Joined: Oct 20, 2004
Age: 26
Posts: 1408
Location: Where you least expect it
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| Posted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 5:11 am Post subject: |
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The first time I tried it out was at my sister's wedding, then, with a girl I liked at work. They said you should make a compliment, but add a mocking joke, to show that you are not sucking up and you are unaffected. So I tired it with one I said her haircut and jacket were nice but that they made her look tough and macho, things like that. Another trick they give you is "routines" to spark conversation when it dries up. These are joke psychology tests, like saying what which fingers you wear your rings on proves about you, and the like. I have tried this in groups of girls and it gets them all talking and made me centre of attention. The girl i liked kissed me at that wedding too (it only a chaste kiss, but it was on the lips).
There was a girl I fancied at work, so I tried to make fun of her and tease her al the time, saying she was dumb and annoying etc. But, I was careful to balance it with real genuine conversation and nice caring chat to show that I really liked her. Too much of one you are a cocky jerk, too much of the other and you are a servile weak guy. The right balance, and you appear fun and independant, but also a nice caring guy with it. (at least thats what i read).
I got myself out clubbing again last year (after not doing it for 2 years). I also at the age of 24 started doing something I never did before - approached women I did not know. My sucess with the girls at work and my sisters weding gave me the confidence to do this. Actually I think I had a kind of "aspie obsession" mania that made me brave. One thing I learned for this is to have a ready made icebreaker to open conversation with - even if its just a simple question like "do you know where the smoking garden is". Then I follow it up with something funny like, "I asked you because you look like you know your stuff", something like that.
I made out with 2 women who were both really hot. One was drunk and I helped her get around (she lost her friends), she said "youre lovely you are" so I said "will you kiss me" and kissed her - before I would have got scared and said "oh thanks" or something.
I said something funny like "I only let cool girls walk around with me, but I guess you will do", stuff like that. The second girl, I approached her and introduced myself after an icebreaker. Then I just said "i think your really sexy, will you kiss me". She refused, so I said it was ok and i still want to be friends. Later on when we were alone she did kiss me - she just didnt want her friends to see her as easy.
there was one really beautiful girl i met through my friends, who i used ALL the tricks on - textbook, and she liked me. I was so shocked, she was beautiful and I never would have thought i had chance.
I acted confident in front of her, i said "hey, youre not bad, youll do for me is all I'm saying". and i stole her hat and wore it round a club. she let me stroke her legs and kiss her once, but there was no repeat. in fact, she was pretty clear to put me off and ignore me after that.
there has been one girl i met through my friends who i almost started dating seriously - but thats a but "up in the air" at the minute, as she has just gone away to college and we were just getting to know each other. But that was pretty casual. |
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kian_zarrin
Emu Egg
Joined: Apr 22, 2009
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 6:12 am Post subject: |
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Hi im 22years with normal level of AS and im finding aproachig woman so difficult. whats makes it more difficalt is my weak english and not knowing the english calture (im iranian studying in uk).
the situation is so strange that for example when they want to live they hug everyone except me even if i step froward they find some justification to avoid it me! it happens with almost all the girls!
i got inrested in this guide so i quastion it. dont consider this as opposition cuz if id didnt liked it, i wouldnt quastion it, i would ignor it:
i have asked many boys and girls and as a result almost all of them have a girlfriend/boyfirend by the end of 2nd year (in uinversity of bham). rarely i find some one in third year who does not have a partener. 75% of people have a parterner in 1st and 2nd year.
if i go to pub or resturant or sth, im intrested in girls near my age which are very likely to have a boyfriend already.
datasages wrote: | Quote: | Do you see a girl that’s attractive sitting in a restaurant? Or maybe you see a cute girl at the mall? You have to do what we all dread. You have to talk to her. But the real question is… how do you do that?
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it works good for low ages, but if the girl has a boyfriend already then i look too stupid.
in my contry where the crime level is very high, they(parents, police, ...) advise poeple not to date random guys like this as there is danger of kidnaping. i see a movie in youtube (which i cant find it again) that a girl was kidnapped this way (in new yourk, US). therefore it makes since if the girl gets scared or avoids talking to stragers like this who met her in resturant or bar.
so as summery: in my age, if i start a conversation with a random girl as described in the guide, it would look so strange and stupid. thus would not be a good idea
on the other hand, i dont know many girls(without boy friend) at least to try dating strategies on them to learn it. or have wide choice to find the good one for my self. so what i shoul do? |
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Xanderbeanz
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 09, 2008
Age: 26
Posts: 830
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| Posted: Mon Apr 27, 2009 11:12 am Post subject: ... |
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| kian_zarrin wrote: | Hi im 22years with normal level of AS and im finding aproachig woman so difficult. whats makes it more difficalt is my weak english and not knowing the english calture (im iranian studying in uk).
the situation is so strange that for example when they want to live they hug everyone except me even if i step froward they find some justification to avoid it me! it happens with almost all the girls!
i got inrested in this guide so i quastion it. dont consider this as opposition cuz if id didnt liked it, i wouldnt quastion it, i would ignor it:
i have asked many boys and girls and as a result almost all of them have a girlfriend/boyfirend by the end of 2nd year (in uinversity of bham). rarely i find some one in third year who does not have a partener. 75% of people have a parterner in 1st and 2nd year.
if i go to pub or resturant or sth, im intrested in girls near my age which are very likely to have a boyfriend already.
datasages wrote: | Quote: | Do you see a girl that’s attractive sitting in a restaurant? Or maybe you see a cute girl at the mall? You have to do what we all dread. You have to talk to her. But the real question is… how do you do that?
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it works good for low ages, but if the girl has a boyfriend already then i look too stupid.
in my contry where the crime level is very high, they(parents, police, ...) advise poeple not to date random guys like this as there is danger of kidnaping. i see a movie in youtube (which i cant find it again) that a girl was kidnapped this way (in new yourk, US). therefore it makes since if the girl gets scared or avoids talking to stragers like this who met her in resturant or bar.
so as summery: in my age, if i start a conversation with a random girl as described in the guide, it would look so strange and stupid. thus would not be a good idea
on the other hand, i dont know many girls(without boy friend) at least to try dating strategies on them to learn it. or have wide choice to find the good one for my self. so what i shoul do? |
i have a few suggestions which may help your situation, in no particular order:
- appearances are particularly important these days when finding a mate, i have no idea what your personal hygiene is like, but i would advise everyone to shave, get a nice haircut, and in some cases, wax their eye brows if their is bushyness/monobrow occurring...also use plenty of deodarant/aftershave (but not so much that it makes people cough!)
- i find that aspergers and meeting girls in clubs/restuarants don't mix, i have usually met my girlfriends through mutual acquaintances, do you have a friendship group? do you have many girls as friends? maybe you could ask a friend to "set you up" on a blind date or something...joining societies/social groups (maybe a specific social group for asperger's people) may help too.
- i would learn as much about english culture as possible, read up on the internet, and possibly enrol in english speaking classes so this barrier is removed, the AS barrier is hard enough without having extra communication problems on top.
- this may sound harsh, but don't "aim too high" at first, find a girl that you find barely attractive, and then be with her a while to gain some confidence, then either go for a girl you find more attractive, or you may find you're really happy with the first girl's personality and not wish to progress...i know that sounds AWFUL and shallow but this is kind of how the NT world works, and only by getting some practice and confidence will you start to get anywhere...i dated some rather questionable looking ladies at times, slowly moving up in terms of attractiveness (and sometimes backwards!) but it gave me enough confidence and experience that when the right girl came along that i was REALLY attracted to, i at least knew how to approach her and try to ask her out...
it's a hard learning curve but you can get there if you really try.
x |
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ZUNISUN
Butterfly
Joined: Apr 24, 2009
Posts: 9
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| Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 11:15 am Post subject: sage |
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| I have no time for a man who plays these types of games. Sayonara Pal! |
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paddy26
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Apr 25, 2009
Posts: 60
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| Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 9:05 pm Post subject: |
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| DataSage have you been brainwahed? |
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Piisami
Emu Egg
Joined: Apr 29, 2009
Age: 24
Posts: 8
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| Posted: Thu May 07, 2009 1:09 pm Post subject: |
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| cool to see a pick up guide for aspies. Have you ever read swingcats world guide to seduction? It has an interesting chapter on costability which can easily be applied to aspies. |
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UberElvis
Blue Jay
Joined: Nov 12, 2008
Age: 17
Posts: 85
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| Posted: Wed May 27, 2009 11:07 pm Post subject: |
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| One one level, I believe this is a really good article. However, it will only prove useful if your intent is to just meet girls and do what the average NT guy does. I know this, because, I've tried it, using the guidelines DataSage put into this seemingly well-thought out article and tried to evolve those initial stages into a true relationship. It hasn't worked any time I've tried it. Granted, I've only tried it two times, not simultaneously. However, the results have been enough to tell me that enough is enough. I don't want to live a lie. I'm an aspie, and it totally makes me an awkward abnormal person, and I need to succeed in a relationship the same way I started, and following this article is totally anti-me in most ways. Right now I'm trying to figure out, should I just wait for something to happen? Or should I make my search and initiate in my own way? How can I perform my option of choice and still do okay? How can I start a relationship without making it look like I'm just trying to get the one thing that seems to be all men care about? DataSage's article is good, but it doesn't seem to answer the questions I just asked. If I'm wrong, point out my error, until I shall analyze my situation and find answers to those questions myself. |
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mosto
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 01, 2009
Age: 29
Posts: 210
Location: Sydney, Australia
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| Posted: Wed Jun 03, 2009 12:30 am Post subject: |
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As a single, Christian man with Aspergers, in addition to the difficulties listed for all other Aspergers men, I face the challenges that the eligible young ladies at church simply require many times more convincing. And since I am regularly known to cry, sit and stare blankly at church, it's impossible for me to build a good image of myself over time. There is a girl there that I would very much like to go out with but she has seen me cry and have mild tantrums.
It's not that I lack confidence. I was at a party last Saturday night, had a conversation with a good looking girl, that is a conversation with a lot of aspie characteristics on my part, one word answers, smiling/body language at inappropriate times perhaps etc. but still if I wanted to pursue her, I don't think I would have had trouble getting her number. But I am not really looking for someone that is just after a fling (not that I am assuming that this chick was).
I have observed that many guys at my church use very similar techniques, probably without doing it consciously. It's as though this is how God designed us men to do it, ie. subconsciously, whereas those of us with Aspergers are conscious of our manipulation (or whatever word you want to use to describe it).
So my question is, not only do I want to know "what works" with women (i.e. as opposed to "what should work"), but why it is appropriate for a Christian and/or for anyone who is genuinely looking for a life partner? |
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TiureJabba
Hummingbird
Joined: Jan 26, 2009
Posts: 19
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| Posted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 1:55 pm Post subject: |
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| DataSage, I thank you deeply. Now I've learned a new skill: Dating! xP Seriously, thank you for providing a heads-up on what women see. In highschool in 9th grade, I will ask out the girl that I get a crush on! Also, it pumped me up with knowledge on human-courtship psychology. I'm ready to get that hot date! |
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paddy26
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Apr 25, 2009
Posts: 60
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| Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 7:58 pm Post subject: |
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I think my problem seems to be that any woman i want a relationship with only wants a one off
and doesn't seem too interested in getting to know me. Then sometimes the opposite can happen. |
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BurningMoose
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jun 20, 2009
Age: 22
Posts: 51
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| Posted: Sat Jun 27, 2009 11:58 pm Post subject: plagiarism, anyone? |
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| DataSage--though I do agree with a lot of what you said, and have used similar approaches for a while, I don't think it shows much integrity on your part to claim that you came up with this stuff. You did briefly credit David deAngelo, but the vast majority of your logic and even your examples is stolen directly from Mystery and from other Community gurus. They work hard and sell this stuff, and I think you should give credit where credit is due...VERY little of this is stuff you came up with. |
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BurningMoose
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jun 20, 2009
Age: 22
Posts: 51
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| Posted: Sun Jun 28, 2009 12:01 am Post subject: one more thing |
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| To all those talking about how manipulative and tricky all this stuff is, guess what? It's what naturally dominant men do subconsciously in order to attract women. The fact that it's been broken down, studied, and applied by people who don't do it instinctually doesn't make it "bad." It's just that a lot of men, especially those with AS, need to learn these things the hard way--but to reiterate, IT IS HOW NATURAL DOMINANT MEN ACT! |
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jbaspie
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jul 01, 2009
Age: 18
Posts: 28
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| Posted: Fri Jul 17, 2009 3:45 am Post subject: |
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well my friend it seems that women who attract men never have trouble attracting them by acting a certain way. its just there whether its their personality or not. if a man is attracted to a woman he is attracted to her. if hes not its never gonna happen.
why cant we believe women are the same way. if she dont like you, then she dont, regardless of all this guru bs that we feed into. I have attracted girls I like without all this alpha male stuff, have i attracted most or all of them no, but why do we need 10,000 women anyways |
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noli_me_tangere
Butterfly
Joined: Jul 28, 2009
Posts: 11
Location: Vancouver, BC
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| Posted: Thu Jul 30, 2009 11:55 am Post subject: |
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| Tom wrote: | Everything Wanderman and Sage have said is correct.
Adult women do like being teased and made fun of - I've seen it in action myself many times.
No women can critisise a men's dating guide - they have no idea what its like being a man trying to attract a woman.
They'll say "no, thats bad, thats manipulative" - 99% of the time they'll have partners who used these same traits on them to attract them - they just didn't know it.
Women's opinions on these guides is useless, because they don't know what men do to attract them - its all subconscious. |
I'd have to disagree with the last point. I have sufficient experience in the dating world to be able to comment on a few "techniques" adopted by males who want to take on the role of "Alpha Male." Though some of the advice offered here does have some success (by the way a lot of it can be reversed for women as well), there are some potential problems.
First, the advice does not address what happens when you come across a genuine Alpha Female. I know a few of them and have watched them shoot down a lot of men who follow these sort of guidelines religiously.
Second, you have to be cautious with the "teasing" approach because it can easily develop into what I refer to as "confidence at her expense" concept. Playful teasing (often mutual) can be fun, but only if she knows you respect her. I find it disappointing that the respect issue did not come up at all in this discussion. The reality of teasing is that it may make you look like you are confident, but at the expense that you are knocking her down a peg so to speak. Also, are you prepared for the possibility that she'll join in and begin teasing you back?
Third, this is only a way to get a number or strike up a conversation. My concern is that others may try to follow this without questioning it. But do you consider the next step? When/if you choose to call her what comes next? Do you consider these guidelines as bait to lure them in, strike up a conversation etc? Or will you try to continue with this persona of being an Alpha Male? If you choose to continue the persona you ought to be aware of the fact that eventually it will break down and the true person revealed.
Final point. Someone mentioned that women are natural empathizers (though this remark is not uncontested), wouldn't that complicate these guidelines? If women have the natural capacity/inclination towards being able to understand others thoughts, feelings, and [b]motives[b], then they would be able to notice if someone is adopting the role of Alpha Male.
The dating world does not have to be as complicated as others make it out to be. It is not a battlefield in which you need a strategy. I will, however, agree that confidence plays a large role in dating, but this also applies to females. Pretending to be confident (by means of being cocky or teasing) will not guarantee success.
Instead I would suggest a personal evaluation of one's strengths. Confidence is relative to one's on perspective of themselves. Many of you on here have admirable qualities, so don't let self-doubt restrain you. Most are confident in the areas that they excel at, and we excel because of the wealth of knowledge acquired through experience/experimentation. Feigning confidence ought not be the focus here, but rather the topic should address how to become a more confident person (there is no reason why a person shouldn't have confidence).
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"Hell is other people"- Sartre
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