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vickygleitz
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16 Dec 2013, 12:50 am

Bill was not my brother by blood. He was my brother by choice. And he was the most incredible brother a person could hope to have.

I met Bill at a club where we were both members. I am HFA and generally have good to excellent radar for other autistic people. Bill was not autistic and I did not have that feeling that I usually do with other autistics. I assumed, though, that because of many of his actions and mannerisms that he was.

My [now] husband, son, and I befriended him. He was even more socially awkward than me or any of my kids or grand kids, but he was good and kind and decent and loyal. Shortly after meeting him we asked him if he would be our brother. He agreed.

Because of being different, a rumor started circulating that Bill was a pedophile. He was devastated. I confronted some of the people spreading the rumor. They told me that they were concerned about him because he passed gas alot, burped alot, and "shaved over his egg plate." [ never sure what that last thing meant] Somehow, in their NT "wisdom" they had decided that meant he was a pedophile.

It took me about 3 weeks to get up the courage to tell him that these were the [insane] reasons that people thought that. He seemed angry with me for telling him, but stopped with the constant burping and farting.

There were some more factors involved in people abandoning these rumors over the next year that are not pertinent. But thankfully the accusations stopped and things got better for him.

Bill would come to our house every holiday. [He was, after all, my brother] When a family that was mutual friends of ours had a huge legal problem, Bill and our family banded together and made huge sacrifices to help the family [financially and timewise] Also, my youngest son was doing poorly and Bill would take off work and come over to our home and tell my son incredible stories that eased my sons suffering.

It was during this period of time that Bill began spending the night at our home. He didn't usually call. The doorbell would ring and when I answered the door Bill would be standing there, pillow and carton of cigarettes in one arm, his overnight bag in the other. He would go up to the spare bedroom,look around and ask "Has someone been in my room?"

Then he would go into the living room, and, as if quite irritated, would loudly say 'Get Lost!" I thought he was referring to our dogs, so I would lock them in our bedroom for a while. [ we had a doggy door so I couldn't lock them outside] Then he would always say "I'm going to go burn one," and go on the deck to have a cigarette.

About the third or fourth time that Bill went into the living room and said "Get lost," I got a little angry and told Bill that this was my dog's home too and I did not appreciate his treatment of them.

Bill told me that we "needed to talk." He reminded me of the many times I had told him that I thought he must be autistic and he had adamantly denied the possibility. He told me that the reason that he knew that his issues were not related to autism was because he was schizophrenic. I told him that years ago many autistic [actually, I said Aspergers] people were incorrectly diagnosed as schizophrenic. He raised his eyebrows and sarcastically said "Really, little sister? So, are you saying that you constantly hallucinate like I do?"

During this discussion Bill told me that all of his hallucinations were audio. He told me that the voices never told him to kill anyone or anything like that. He said that the voices constantly ripped him apart emotionally, telling him he was worthless, telling him that no one would ever care about him for other than a short period of time, telling him to do the world a favor and kill himself.

Then he told me that the only place he had been in over 40 years where the voices always went away when he said "Get Lost," was at our house. So, he was not yelling at the dogs. He began spending more and more time at our house and we loved having him there. Especially my youngest son.

Bill would tell LJ about his work in the CIA being in charge of the "Alien program." He would give detailed stories which my son would believe. I guess that wasn't that strange that lJ believed Bill about the aliens he had spent time with because when Bill told me that a loved one I was having problems with was also schizophrenic [ because he had schizodar the same way I have autistdar and many gays have gaydar] I believed it for awhile. It was hard not to believe him, because he was an honest man who really did not lie.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer I left a message on voicemail for one of my sisters [ I swear.I have the most purely evil family in the world] telling her that I knew she would give me no emotional support at all but that I didn't care because I had put together an outstanding, loving family in the previous few years who would be there to support me. She left me a message in response. It was,"You think you have support. We'll see."

I should have been frightened. My sister had called my home a few weeks before my first husband died and had convinced my daughter that Larry was faking leukemia. No details, but Larry died wondering if his little girl loved him and my daughter still has emotional scars from the experience. A few years ago, when my dad was what the doctors thought was his deathbed, my sister had a wonderful time making him sure that everyone in the world, including his wife, hated him. [ except for me, but I have never counted] There have been dozens of other things[ exaserbating the suffering of a 13 year old girl my brother had raped, among so many others] so I should have been afraid. The last thing I should have done is brag that she couldn't hurt me on this one because of my new family.

Bill stayed with us in the hospital when I had my mastectomy. He stayed at our home and helped me measure the fluid in my tubes. He brought me fresh bags of frozen peas to put on my chest. He calmed my son and now husband. And this man who had probably never before deliberately lied in his life, lied spectacularly when he told me that my chest really did not look that bad.

A few weeks [yes, weeks] later he helped us to move. It was nice because we moved very close to him [long story, unimportant]

Only a week or so later lJ was reading something about space aliens. he got really excited and asked if he could run over to Bills place and tell Bill because it was similar to things Bill had told him. He asked if he brought his medicine with him could he stay for awhile. I told him he could.

It was less than ten minutes later that lJ came running home, crying hysterically. He told me that when he went to Bills' place that he had heard something troubling. He told me what he had heard. I agreed that it didn't sound good but that what he heard could be interpreted many ways and that I was not at all worried that Bill was what it sounded like to my son [a pedophile] and that when Bobby came home he would talk to Bill. I do not think that it was even possible for Bill to have been a threat because I am pretty sure that Bill was not even physically capable of sex. He was 65, a heavy smoker, diabetic, and probably 200 pounds overweight. And also, he was Bill. He would NEVER hurt a child.

It became apparent to Bobby and I that Bill had been aware of LJs' presence and been aware of what lJ thought that Bill had been doing that afternoon because when we saw Bill he was in a super bad mood and snapped at LJ several times. Bobby did not talk to Bill that night.

Or the next. Or the next. Or the next. I told Bobby that I wanted to talk to Bill about the situation, hear Bills, I'm sure [still] reasonable explanation for what lJ had heard but Bobby kept putting it off. Bobby and I fought over it, alot.

Bobby was worried [as was I] that Bill would be so devastated by our questioning him that he would almost certainly take his own life. In addition, Bills' friendship, though important to all of us, was especially crucial to my son. [he had no friends and Bill had been beside my son when my son was going through hell]

Bobby kept promising. Bill kept snapping at lJ. lJ started snapping back. LJ was getting angry at Bobby for doing nothing. I was angry at Bobby for doing nothing.Bobby was getting angry with me for nagging about it and kept telling me that if I went to Bill about it that Bill would kill himself and it would make everything worse. lJ was so upset about BILL[and my cancer.. and adjusting to new meds] and started making smart ass comments to other people, which did not lend to his popularity. I was just starting chemotherapy [no fun] and getting counseling for the trauma of going through cancer and the counselor was getting frustrated because I was talking about what to do about the Bill situation rather than having cancer.

Day after day after day Bobby promised. Day after day he put it off. Finally, when Bobby would be talking [it was not about what LJ had heard] to Bill I would walk up and say "Talk to Bill now or I will," and then I would walk away. That did not get Bobby to talk to Bill, but Bill did start avoiding me and I started hearing rumors that Bill was saying bad things about both LJ and I.

Somewhere in there my monster of a sister convinced Bill that I was faking breast cancer [ Bill was there when I had my mastectomy. He had personally spoken to the doctor even. There is no way in hell or high water that Bill would have believed my sister if his mind were not shattered from worrying about the talk that never happened]

6 months [yes,months] later, LJ finally confronted Bill, not in front of a crowd, but in front of the parent of the little girl my son had been worried about, and a friend who was a counselor and been trying to help LJ, when Bill started ripping my son apart in front of the girls father [ Did I not mention that after 20 years I FINALLY married my now husband, and this was the night before the wedding?]

Bill went to a large group of people and said that LJ had yelled at him "I still think you're a pedophile."[which I guess LJ did] He also told people that I was faking breast cancer.[ I wish] People believed him, on both counts. Because they wanted to. I guess because believing him caused more pain to innocent people, including, ultimately, Bill.

I offered to show scars on my chest again, my infusion bracelets, my paper work, my scripts, my tissue expanders, the mostly gone hair on my head, a note from my oncologist. They did not care. I wanted to show them proof from my counselor that I had been worried about how to tell Bill about what had happened half a year earlier, but they did not care. I think that they had decided that I had become an 'uppity" autistic and they needed to put me in my place. I don't know. But it has been a nightmare.

There is so much more. We tried to talk to Bill. Bill did not want to hear it and people worked hard to make sure that Bill never knew the truth. Shorly after that, Bill was diagnosed with lymphoma. A couple months later he died. Alone. In his home. and I always imagine Bill laying on the floor of his home, dying, crying "get lost" to the voices and the voices just laughing and taunting him.

So many lives were shattered. Bills. Lj, Mine. Bobbys. another family,[would take too long to explain]

The one good thing coming out of this , is being no longer able to be in denial about how deliberately and calculatingly cruel that these NTs' had been. Because of that, the end of the summer I became actively involved in the neurodivergence acceptance movement. [ if Bill can see what's going on somehow beyond the "great beyond" I am sure that makes him happy. Bill hated that he felt he had to hide his difference, his schizophrenia from many people]

A couple years ago, back in the 'good old days" Bill and I had talked about death. He told me that one of the best parts of finally having a family was that he knew that if he died before us, that we would make him an awesome funeral, memorial service, and wake [ I promised him I would make chili rellenos for it, and something affectionately called "pink stuff". There was no service. And I don't know how many times I have dreamt about Bill lying on that floor as he was dying, alone except for the voices.

I don't know how to get over this.



MisterE
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16 Dec 2013, 1:14 am

Sorry to hear about all that Vicky. Sounds like you went through a lot with Bill, and wow what a horrible sister. I'm assuming Bobby is your husband? But yeah, I wish you the best



Raziel
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16 Dec 2013, 5:25 am

I'm very sorry to hear that.
I had a schizophrenic half-brother -we had the same father, but a different mother. He was 16 years older than me. He commited suicide several years ago. So it always makes me sad, reading a story like this.
You know, for you he was part of your family and vice versa and that's the important thing. Because of you he had family. :)


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redrobin62
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16 Dec 2013, 7:08 am

What did LJ hear from Bill that was so traumatizing?



vickygleitz
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16 Dec 2013, 11:12 am

Before I answer that question, I would like to explain a few things. Bill had always wanted a child of his own. He had tried to adopt many years before but could not because of his mental illness. He had grown attached to a little girl whose parents were part of our group. He thought of her as the daughter he never had and he was beyond devastated when we discovered that the parents [specifically the father] were terribly cruel to the child. Bill and our family "Took the little girl off their hands" for every excuse. Bill and I constantly discussed our options on how to help her. We realized that if we went to social services that probably nothing would happen other than the little girls father no longer allowing Bill and our family to be there for her. And then she would have no one.

What lJ heard was Bill moaning and crying out the little girls name. My son believed it was a sexual thing. I believed he was crying her name in anguish because he was so worried about how to best help her. My husband believed the way that I did.



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16 Dec 2013, 11:36 am

Vicky....thank you for sharing that. I'm so sorry that everything happened in the way that it did. Will keep you in my thoughts...and hope that some solace will come to you about everything. I can't even bear to imagine...it sounds like such an overwhelming time.


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16 Dec 2013, 6:39 pm

That's one of the saddest stories that I've ever heard. :(

Maybe you could have a memorial service in his honour, now. You could bury some small shrine to him perhaps and say some kind words about him. You could have chili and pink stuff. Maybe that would bring a little closure.



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17 Dec 2013, 12:45 am

It's hard to establish real trust with someone after you find out there mentally ill and something about their history. It's better not to disclose those kinds of things about yourself it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Most people including myself would find a way to get that man out of the house once he identified himself as Schizophrenic, especially if there were kids in the house. That's just instinct. it's cruel but when you have that gut feeling, you can't dance around that and worry about the man's feelings.



vickygleitz
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17 Dec 2013, 3:18 pm

To the Last Poster; I understand and respect what you wrote, but Bill was my brother quite a while before I discovered he was my schizophrenic brother. It would be as wrong to abandon Bill as it is for NTs' to abandon friends or family they discover to be autistic.

As soon as Bill noticed lJ outside, I'm sure he was frightened about what we would think. I am sure he went through incredible angst before he succumbed to believing that the people who loved him most were bad.

Something else that has haunted me since this all transpired. I know that Bill told few people about his schizophrenia. After we found out what was going on, I said to one of my accusers "I can't tell you what it is but there is something about Bill that you don't know." The woman [someone known as a very nice person] turned to me with a snarky smile and a malevolantly dripping voice, and said "Oh, you would be surprised what I know about Bill."

When she said that, it was as though something died inside of me.

To me, that is the definitive proof that they knew that Bill was a paranoid schizophrenic because I was told that they knew something about Bill that would surprise me and the the ONLY thing at that point that Bill could have shared with anyone that would have surprised me is his schizophrenia.

My husband [who is not autistic, but definitely way too good of a person to be an NT] feels that what the woman said does not neccesarily mean that she knew about Bills' schizophrenia just because she said that I would be surprised by what she knew about Bill when disclosing his schizophrenia was the ONLY thing that would surprise me. He says that being autistic might be causing me to take what she said literally. I see no reason why I should not take what she said literally. Can you?

Besides missing Bill, and crying over the pain he endured, the pain others endured as well. I feel guilt that when Bobby kept putting off talking to Bill that I did not do it myself. I know I was very ill from my cancer treatments, and that if I had gone to Bill months before that he might have snapped then and that i would be regretting having confronting him. I don't know.

What I do know is that it is Christmas season and Bill lOVED my cookies, especially my decorated sugar cookies. I am supposed to be baking Christmas cookies right now. I don't know if I can.



wcoltd
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17 Dec 2013, 3:55 pm

I've read the post. It seems Bill made a real impression on you. You have a lot of compassion, there are plenty of people who have Bill's illness in mental wards, some of the patients enjoy it when they get cookies from people who come in. Some of those people in there never leave.



IreneS
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18 Dec 2013, 4:12 pm

vickygleitz wrote:
My husband [who is not autistic, but definitely way too good of a person to be an NT] feels that what the woman said does not neccesarily mean that she knew about Bills' schizophrenia just because she said that I would be surprised by what she knew about Bill when disclosing his schizophrenia was the ONLY thing that would surprise me. He says that being autistic might be causing me to take what she said literally. I see no reason why I should not take what she said literally. Can you?


Sometimes people say things like that to create the illusion that they know something that they don't. It's possible that this woman just wanted you to think that she knew everything about Bill that you did.

I'm sorry for your loss.



vickygleitz
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19 Dec 2013, 11:10 am

Thank you to all of you. Bill loved the mountains in the spring. As soon as winter is over I am going to put together a small memorial service for Bill in his favorite area.[His family had no service of any type as far as I know, not even a memorial cup of coffee]

In the past 5 months I have become hugely involved with autistic activism. I think that I see that I need to extend taking strong action for acceptance and accomodation to our "cousins" [bi-polar,schizophrenics, DID,etc.] as well. At our autistic mini-retreat in February I will broach that subject with all attendees.

I did bake peanut butter cookies the other day, but as soon as i get some paper work done, I am going to start baking Christmas sugar cookies [ lots of trees. Bill always loved the iced and decorated Christmas trees best]

Thank again.



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09 Jan 2014, 1:44 pm

I agree with daydreamer that you need to have a service for Bill for closure. Some things never go away but it's much worse when things are left unresolved.
I didn't understand a lot of the story though. Who is Bobby and who is LJ? I'm not sure if you said which is your husband and which is your son. I was confused.



vickygleitz
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11 Jan 2014, 10:02 pm

Bobby is my husband. LJ is my son.



Paukipaul
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17 Jan 2014, 9:45 am

my little brother killed himself and my middle brother now turned schizophrenic and is in mental care.i am indifferent about it. there is nothing i can do.



vickygleitz
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16 Apr 2014, 7:03 pm

I still have not had a service for Bill. I still want to. except for the part of me that doesn't now. There is a constant lie nagging me lately. Part of me keeps thinking "Just because he was schizophrenic, doesn't mean he wasn't an as*hole who simply used us. ' Even though I know better,I am now wondering if he lied, or imagined, and convinced us, that the father of the little girl was terrible when maybe he wasn't. or that maybe he did have something terrible to hide and CHOSE to believe my sister who said that I was faking cancer. And how did he get people who were not mentally ill to believe it.. I don't know. But my son is still so scarred. I lost 2 of the bet friends I have had in my life[ who have never ever explained why. [ one of them was a friend I felt so carefree and happy with that i felt totally comfortable and silly with her that once we went shopping together at "Dress Barn", in our pajamas.[and I am old] I had a mental breakdown I have in no way totally recovered from. I am feeling an anger towards Bill that I do not understand. Maybe it is because 3 weeks ago my husband went into the hospital with congestive lung and heart failure and part of me is wondering if the stress of the last couple of years from all of this was a contributing factor. I don't know.

On the bright side, if everything that happened had not happened, we would not have hosted a mini retreat for Autistics in February. So much positive came out of that. We are already planning a longer better one next year [ 4 nights and keeping the price under $200 per person.]

I do not understand so much, and I am trying so hard to understand that it's okay not to understand sometimes.