Why dating sites are BS

Post Reply New Topic

They have no reflection on reality.

People don't seem to understand that sight is the only sense that is aroused on a dating site. You see picture of people. You see what they have written.

That's why people judge you on looks.

"but I look average not awful" - well, so do the other 100,000 men on there. What makes you a better choice than them?

In a natural environment including the following:

Interpersonal interaction
Chemistry
Vibes
Personality
Confidence

Things come into play and give a more accurate picture of a person. If you look average and have heaps of the above on a dating site, it doesn't mean anything because they can't judge it by a photo and some words.

I don't see why people fail to "get" this. It really isn't rocket science. If you want the best chance possible, find like minded people in real life.

I'm not saying they're completely useless, but for the majority of people they are.

Thank you for posting this. Aspies should only use the computer for playing games and reading up on our interests, because it simply can not be used to flourish ourselves into social and dating competence. That only comes with real world experience which is not some rectangular 2-D life and anyone who knows enough about interaction should know this. Some Aspies are exceptionally good learners so as long as one isn't overly rigid and left-brained, which not all Aspies are deep down, it's not that difficult to become acquainted.

Just being out in a work-school environment should be enough to get you started - just like you shouldn't go straight to the nightclub alone, you shouldn't go straight from having no social experience to online dating. Because online dating is like a nightclub for introverts. There's no red carpet or disco ball but everyone resorts to the same fake and uncomfortable behavior, really it's posturing. Just like pulling up to the club in a Lambo and being the best dancer on its floor will get you the most attractive guy/girl there, doing whatever it is that the most "successful" online daters do will have the same effect...and then what? What happens when you do score a meeting with someone who aroused you over cyberspace? It probably won't be that good...

And reminder to everyone that dating websites, especially the free ones, are still filled with an endless amount of prostitutes, date rapists, STD hosts, stalkers, jailbait, so on. Please don't add AS to that cesspit, be better than that.

It's why I don't like dating sites. I fully, completely understand as a heterosexual male I have no legitimate right to complain about the culture on such sites granted I don't get HEY BABY WANNA SEE MY DICK messages over and over again, but it's just that. I see profiles that say "wanna know message me!! (:" over and over again. But I'm sure it works, we only really message people based on weather or not we find them attractive. It's just a hub for superficial hook-ups, I have no desire to get to know someone based on pointless flirting and small talk with stangers over the internet.

I know a fair amount of people who met on dating sites and are "normal" healthy individuals who are in long lasting relationships. Some people just like to look at the negative stories. Im not saying it's easy, but not everyone an do the socialising easily. Just be cautious and take steps not to meet anyone other than a public place, tell someone where you are going, etc.

But I take your point anyway.

Seeing what they have written is not about sight. They could be telling you these things over the phone, or in person, it's about the content of what they are saying.

I do look for like-minded people on dating sites. I read what they say about themselves, on OkC I read how they answer questions to get an idea of their personality. I chat to them for a bit to see how they communicate. Then I meet them in real life and see if we still get along. The interpersonal chemistry and other things you can't gauge online are important things to discover, but I don't see anything wrong with using a dating site as a starting point. It's just one possible Step 1 out of many ways you can meet someone.

I keep a profile open on two sites for that reason, you never know who you could meet. I have low expectations and, honestly, I don't message people often.

The bad definitely outweighs the good, but there can still be a trace of good. I haven't met a woman who fits my personality, I'm confident I won't on dating sites.

Agreed. Nothing wrong with dating sites and the people on them.

I have learnt that if we face something with a negative attitude, and a lack of belief, we'll really never achieve much. Even in real life (for me) it's very difficult meeting new people, let alone meeting someone I can be interested in. Online dating allows me to meet more people and it saves me on anxiety and time. I still finding it *really* difficult to find a match, but am living proof it worked, because I have been using them for years on end, and met a few, but good decent folk on them. Testing the waters is a lot easier and I have also learnt a lot about the bullshitters and boys who think they can have any woman they want.

The best attitude to have is not be desperate (even because I never was) and believe that anything can happen. In saying that, it would be nice to meet someone randomly on one of my shopping trips, a la Hollywood movie style.

One can dream. As such, dream big. You might as well

I developed a negative attitude with 10 years of them being a terrible way to meet people. Maybe NZ dating was just really really bad.

I agree with yellowtamarin... I think online people can still be judged on more than superficiality... I mean, how is it any more substantial if we decide whether we like a person IRL or not based on the sound of their voice?

Although I suppose body language and natural physiological responses can indicate whether they might be deceptive when communicating physically...

apps like tinder are encouraging in i've liked hundreds of photos and have not got a match yet unless a fake account

wow thats really sad

I just wonder how else two non-social types are going to ever find each other, if not for the internet. I would never in a million years have met my late fiance otherwise, and he was so equally weird and non-social that we were perfect for each other.

Otherwise, I do agree that the dating sites are clogged with scammers, spammers, and other undesirable types. I keep holding out hope that there are a few lovely needles in the haystack; otherwise I;m probably doomed to spend the rest of my life alone.

I just can't think of any other options for meeting people when, like me, you live in a small town, you don't go to bars or parties, you don't go to church, you don't have any interests that involve getting together with groups of people, and the only people you see on a regular basis are those you work with and your co-workers are a small, mostly younger group with whom you have very little in common besides the address of your employer. Heck, even if I lived in a big city I wouldn't have any different opportunities unless I worked in a place with a lot more people.

It probably has a lot to do with my age group, too. There are many fewer single people, percentage-wise, in my age group.

Dating sites suck, but when you meet few new people and are quite introverted, you're basically at the mercy of these sites.

What works best for me is, after an initial online acknowledgement of mutual interest, immediately go for a coffee-shop meet up.

If they decline a coffee invitation, my experience has been that the likelihood of things ever progressing further is almost nil.

If they accept, then the vibe/chemistry thing gets assessed very early on over coffee in a public place. (It happens that that coffee shop I frequent usually has an acquaintance or two there, so that is a bit of added security.)

I consider the initial coffee meeting very important to determining sincerity of interest and mutual chemistry. I also view it as no strings attached: If over coffee either one of us decides things need go no further, then I treat it as a no-harm/no-foul situation. It is just part of the process - no need for drama.

I agree with the OP that online dating is BS but have to point out that you can usually get a semi-accurate picture of someone based on how they write. If I had to not ignore my instincts about the way my ex worded her profile, I would have ran for the hills and declined a date like I did the girl before her. As for pictures, I'm more looking for *how* the woman takes the picture. Nightclub? Exes/men? BFFs? France? Smile? Any signs of drug use? A picture usually (but not always) says a lot about someone. For example, I don't care if someone doesn't follow hockey, is into "girly" activities but I DO care if they can spell properly, use language properly with clean sentence structure and don't go on about how bad men are.

Oh, and in terms of OKCupid, my ex and I were an excellent match (90+%). Didn't work out that well in real life and held onto the relationship FAR longer than I should have because we were much a 'good match' on paper. At this stage of my life, I seem to be painted into a corner: the sites are BS, the women are generally of very poor quality online, I am painfully introverted and oblivious to social cues and now have officially zero friends. I loved how someone on WP said that dating is like a job search: painfully hard and inefficient, both parties lose out and the biggest liar wins. In other words, Aspies finish last

The one major thing you miss out on online is the 'vibe' or 'aura' that someone gives off. There is no way to 'see' it unless you meet that person in real life and see how the interact with the environment around them. The profiles I see are almost 100% split between the party girl who isn't serious, the career student/arts major who will never grow up (and doesn't want to), borderline crazy/mentally ill women who have serious issues (like my ex) and the "professional traveler" who has been to 48 countries and counting despite having a retail or restaurant job. I swear they must all be fake because they almost all neatly fit into these 4 categories and real life women are NOT like that at all. Of course, they are love to boast how independent they are and don't need a relationship which begs the question why they are on there and not one profile ever mentions what they offer to a man in a relationship. I know plenty of married women and they would never act like the women on these sites do.

I put up a profile again but ONLY because I want the women of my city to know that yes, I am single and available and contrary to malicious rumors spread about me in the past, am straight as an arrow. For me, being extremely skilled with children probably makes many women in real life (rightfully) assume I must have a family of my own. I do have a lot going for me that women should in theory like: taller than 99% of the population, physically fit, VERY loyal and protective of those close to me, well liked (even with no close friends), stable & well paying job, car, apartment, financially secure and smart with money, good with kids (particularly babies and toddlers), kind to animals, taking night courses and volunteering my time and skills. However, like a job resume there is no way to really see that unless you meet me in person since I am honest to a fault. Unfortunately, dating sites promote a 'buffet' approach where people expect to understand a potential partner in 2 minutes or less and have the illusion of lots of choice. No wonder the divorce rates are so high!