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GiantHockeyFan
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16 Feb 2014, 10:22 am

I agree with the OP that online dating is BS but have to point out that you can usually get a semi-accurate picture of someone based on how they write. If I had to not ignore my instincts about the way my ex worded her profile, I would have ran for the hills and declined a date like I did the girl before her. As for pictures, I'm more looking for *how* the woman takes the picture. Nightclub? Exes/men? BFFs? France? Smile? Any signs of drug use? A picture usually (but not always) says a lot about someone. For example, I don't care if someone doesn't follow hockey, is into "girly" activities but I DO care if they can spell properly, use language properly with clean sentence structure and don't go on about how bad men are.

Oh, and in terms of OKCupid, my ex and I were an excellent match (90+%). Didn't work out that well in real life and held onto the relationship FAR longer than I should have because we were much a 'good match' on paper. At this stage of my life, I seem to be painted into a corner: the sites are BS, the women are generally of very poor quality online, I am painfully introverted and oblivious to social cues and now have officially zero friends. I loved how someone on WP said that dating is like a job search: painfully hard and inefficient, both parties lose out and the biggest liar wins. In other words, Aspies finish last :(

The one major thing you miss out on online is the 'vibe' or 'aura' that someone gives off. There is no way to 'see' it unless you meet that person in real life and see how the interact with the environment around them. The profiles I see are almost 100% split between the party girl who isn't serious, the career student/arts major who will never grow up (and doesn't want to), borderline crazy/mentally ill women who have serious issues (like my ex) and the "professional traveler" who has been to 48 countries and counting despite having a retail or restaurant job. I swear they must all be fake because they almost all neatly fit into these 4 categories and real life women are NOT like that at all. Of course, they are love to boast how independent they are and don't need a relationship which begs the question why they are on there and not one profile ever mentions what they offer to a man in a relationship. I know plenty of married women and they would never act like the women on these sites do.

I put up a profile again but ONLY because I want the women of my city to know that yes, I am single and available and contrary to malicious rumors spread about me in the past, am straight as an arrow. For me, being extremely skilled with children probably makes many women in real life (rightfully) assume I must have a family of my own. I do have a lot going for me that women should in theory like: taller than 99% of the population, physically fit, VERY loyal and protective of those close to me, well liked (even with no close friends), stable & well paying job, car, apartment, financially secure and smart with money, good with kids (particularly babies and toddlers), kind to animals, taking night courses and volunteering my time and skills. However, like a job resume there is no way to really see that unless you meet me in person since I am honest to a fault. Unfortunately, dating sites promote a 'buffet' approach where people expect to understand a potential partner in 2 minutes or less and have the illusion of lots of choice. No wonder the divorce rates are so high!



Jono
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16 Feb 2014, 1:13 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
They have no reflection on reality.

People don't seem to understand that sight is the only sense that is aroused on a dating site. You see picture of people. You see what they have written.

That's why people judge you on looks.

"but I look average not awful" - well, so do the other 100,000 men on there. What makes you a better choice than them?

In a natural environment including the following:

Interpersonal interaction
Chemistry
Vibes
Personality
Confidence

Things come into play and give a more accurate picture of a person. If you look average and have heaps of the above on a dating site, it doesn't mean anything because they can't judge it by a photo and some words.

I don't see why people fail to "get" this. It really isn't rocket science. If you want the best chance possible, find like minded people in real life.

I'm not saying they're completely useless, but for the majority of people they are.


No, you judge them by more than their looks. They also write about themselves in their profiles, so you can judge them by what you know about them.



Aspie1
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16 Feb 2014, 2:30 pm

Marky9 wrote:
What works best for me is, after an initial online acknowledgement of mutual interest, immediately go for a coffee-shop meet up.

If they decline a coffee invitation, my experience has been that the likelihood of things ever progressing further is almost nil.

That's very true, and this mindset seems kind of new. I remember a situation I had back in 2006. I messaged this girl on a dating site. A week or so later, I suggested getting together for a beer after work. She was OUTRAGED: how dare I even bring up meeting after talking only a few times? She sent me an angry reply, and blocked me. She must have thought I was desperate and impatient.

Nowadays, the norm seems to be three to ten days. Any longer, and one or both people lose interest. It's one way our instant gratification society works in our favor: no need to waste weeks on "laying groundwork". Interestingly, what I noticed is that the quicker the meeting happens, the more affectionate the girl acts with me (hugs, hand-touches, etc), regardless of whether or not there is a second date.

One useful tactic I adopted is to NEVER talk or text with her until the day of the meeting, and even then, it's a very terse "hey, this is Aspie1, I'm on my way, see you in half hour". Maybe a few phrases like "how's your day so far?" or "looking forward to seeing you", if she actually picks up. This way, I eliminate the risk of saying something "wrong" and destroying her interest. Plus, most girls I talked to actually have some semblance of a conscience, and wouldn't cancel a date an hour prior, because then it'll be too obvious. They still have no qualms about lying "I'm sick" the day before just to get out of meeting me.

What used to happen often is that she never picked up when I called or responded to my texts (after exchanging phone numbers), and the meeting never happened. Since old habits die hard, the girl usually doesn't initiate contact, which keeps the odds of the meeting high (i.e. no possibility of me saying something "wrong" on the phone). I also make it clear on my profile that I'm not looking for an online buddy; basically "plan on meeting quickly, or don't contact me". Fortunately, this is become less and less of a problem, as the new norm of meeting your online date sooner, rather than later, takes hold.



AspieOtaku
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16 Feb 2014, 3:01 pm

All Im good for is a fling after that they dont want to stick around an odd ball like me.


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AnonymousAnonymous
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16 Feb 2014, 3:44 pm

The majority of dating sites are a waste of time. Most require a credit card.


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Jono
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16 Feb 2014, 4:12 pm

AnonymousAnonymous wrote:
The majority of dating sites are a waste of time. Most require a credit card.


Then use a free one.



thewhitrbbit
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16 Feb 2014, 4:33 pm

I blocked a girl one time because she was so pathetically obsessed with grammar that she ignored everything I said just to point out I used the wrong "to."

I think in reality, it's about what girls see in the pictures.



yellowtamarin
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16 Feb 2014, 4:41 pm

Marky9 and Jono, I like your attitudes. You sound like great people to stumble across on a dating site.

hale_bopp wrote:
I developed a negative attitude with 10 years of them being a terrible way to meet people. Maybe NZ dating was just really really bad.

Have you found that the people you meet in real life tend to be of "better quality" than those you meet on dating sites? Granted, a dating site probably doesn't have the full spectrum of single people to choose from, but neither does a bar, a supermarket, a church, etc. The issue for you could simply be that the "pool" of potentials on a dating site is not as good a mix as the "pool" at some other place, and that's fine, but it doesn't mean online dating is BS for everyone. For me, it has more of my type of person than nearly any other place I frequent.



slw1990
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16 Feb 2014, 10:51 pm

When I was on a dating site I thought it would have more people like me that were inexperienced. The ones I met seemed experienced and seemed to think I was too. They also seemed to think I was someone different than who I was even though I was honest in my profile. It was just too weird because I was out of their league. I agree, I don't think it's enough.



Last edited by slw1990 on 17 Feb 2014, 12:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

MadeUnderground
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16 Feb 2014, 11:30 pm

After having an account on multiple sites for years, I finally deleted them.

I just stopped using them years ago but never bothered to take them down until today. I've been meaning to for a while but never got around to it.

I was on OkCupid, PlentyofFish and Zoosk. I got the most messages from Zoosk, and I got quite a few messages from OKCupid but I was always so busy with my life that I often didn't get on for months and by the time I did, I'd see messages that were sent months ago and so it was like.. Oops..
Same thing with Zoosk.

I was active on OKCupid, (checking it every day) for about a month. I feel like I had pretty good luck with it, considering I sent under 10 messages to women first, but usually I was initially contacted by them and had some good potentials, but usually what would happen is I'd meet some girl from school or whatever and start dating them.

I'm sure if I ever want to meet women in the future I would definitely just use OKCupid.

But for now, I'm loving being single. 8)



sly279
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17 Feb 2014, 12:41 am

i think I just need to move to a urlgier city, there's a lot of hot women and guys here, they come from all over the world to attend the university.

I have no other way of meeting women though, but I have ran dry on women to message , they just out of my league, so I hide them. on okc(wish pof had this option) when women review me they probably see me the same as a homeless guy on the scale of their demands, i wish my area had dating or single groups, not even the churches do :(



Halfmadgenius
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17 Feb 2014, 2:31 am

The problem I have with dating sites is the men never want to meet. They will say they do, and talk or text you for days, then disappear with out a trace.

But where else am I going to meet someone? It is not good for a woman to go to a bar alone but I have no friends and all my coworkers are female.



Flameswordsman
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17 Feb 2014, 7:22 am

the only thing I've ever gotten out of a dating site is I shared some book recommendations with a cute girl a couple months ago. :lol:



sly279
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17 Feb 2014, 6:20 pm

Halfmadgenius wrote:
The problem I have with dating sites is the men never want to meet. They will say they do, and talk or text you for days, then disappear with out a trace.

But where else am I going to meet someone? It is not good for a woman to go to a bar alone but I have no friends and all my coworkers are female.


that's pretty much my experience with women, they ask for my number talk for a few days then ignore me, guess they found someone better looking.


now i require talking to a woman for days until i feel comfortable meeting them, which never happens, i only imagine that if i'd taken them out i'd wasted money i don't have, so at least there's that.

tbh with all the rejection i've got, idk how long it'll take for me to feel comfortable dating a woman, maybe i take to long to ask, all my simi relationships were not in person, so i'm use to spending weeks getting to know someone only thru text.

you being a woman though , maybe they just weren't for you if they stopped talking to you. they might have found someone better, people on dating sites seem to always be looking for someone better.



anna-banana
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17 Feb 2014, 6:34 pm

what I've noticed in the people that I know who've had any long-term success with online dating, is that it's mostly the super-social types who actually do succeed. you know, the types who like everyone they meet anyway. ones who enjoy small talk and dates in crowded public places.


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Aspie1
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17 Feb 2014, 8:47 pm

What's easy to forget is that dating sites are TOOLS, like a hammer, an electric mixer, or a smartphone. They're supposed to be used a certain way. If you don't use them correctly, you won't get the results you want. The problem lies in the fact that unlike a hammer, an electric mixer, or a smartphone, instructions for dating sites don't exist. Not only that, they also change rapidly. Consider how 20 years ago, messaging someone online and having coffee with them a week later was downright unthinkable; now, most people would bail if the other person wasn't interesting in the idea of meeting them after talking for a week.

Unfortunately, the only way to learn is through trial and error, since we aspies don't have well-developed social intuition to fall back on. There are instruction forums available for that. Plenty of Fish has a forums section, girlsaskguys.com is pretty good, and even select PUA sites can offer good insight. Those are the instruction manuals for dating sites.