You're too smart & other jibes about being single

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Sounds like one of those snitch ugly-nerds from high school who think they're smarter and more clever than everyone else.

Oh, if you want arrogant, though -- these guys seemed totally happy to insist that once the novelty of smarts had worn off for them, I should shut up, settle down, and be happy to watch whatever dumb TV they wanted, and not "try to prove how smart I was" again. That's pretty arrogant. Back to the main point, then -- yeah, there's such a thing as "too smart" in most of the dating pool.

Oh good, more misogyny: if a chick says she's smart, she must be ugly.

I've no problem in talking with a woman smarter or more gifted than me.

But I certainly have a problem with a woman who wants me to always prove my intelligence or always test my intelligence in every conversation I have with her during the relationship; and If I fail to constantly keep up then she gets bored and quits me.

It would feel like she's putting intelligence score points in every conversation and I have to keep up a certain high rate.

It's very tiring and unflattering indeed.

It's about the modesty vs arrogance, not smarter or less smart.

I agree with this, mostly because I used to be like that when I was younger. It took me a long time to realise that it was a turn off. Not sure what I felt I had to prove, but I was determined to let everyone know I was smarter than them. Maybe it was the way I was brought up, I don't know. I felt like I had done something good if I put someone in their place and proved they were wrong. I got approval from my parents for doing this to other people. I've learned over the years that modesty is a very important quality.

Why the assumption that "I'm easily bored by dull conversation, heads up" = "I am testing your intelligence"? Could you maybe be reading something in there?

For me, it's not about testing a guy -- why would that be interesting or fun? -- but about whether the conversational ball comes back over the net. If the guy has consistent trouble hitting it back...you know, it's not going to be fun for either of us. And it's amazing how many younger guys will insist that they're superman and will have no problem. In my life? I met two guys capable of keeping up the pace. In 45 years.

I actually appreciate the guys' self-knowledge now. I have an okc profile up; it's long and apparently interesting. I more often get guys applauding or thanking me for the read, or asking where they can find my books, than asking me on dates. And that's ironic, but great. They know their own limits and what they're looking for, and I do too. So it's nice to settle in that way. Ironic, but nice.

Last edited by tarantella64 on 27 Mar 2014, 8:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

Or, try it this way:

An Olympic skier is hanging at a bar and a woman picks him up. He explains that a night of fun is fine, but for anything serious, he really only dates other Olympic skiers. He just needs someone who can keep up with him on the slopes, because that's where he lives and what he loves, and he's found through experience that it's just no fun for him if the woman's not that good a skier, also it's an unhappy experience for the woman.

The woman's insulted by this and insists she's a fantastic skier. He can see that she's not really got the stuff, but doesn't want to be rude, shrugs and says okay. After a humiliating week of not keeping up on the slopes, the woman tells him off and walks away, then tells everyone he's an arrogant dick.

Is the woman reasonable?

Yes, he is being an arrogant dick. It's silly to judge another person's worth on one activity. They won't always be skiing. There are other things in life. This is the same with conversation. You won't always be talking. You need to work out other things too, practical things make relationships work too. Granted I need someone who I can enjoy talking to, but I don't expect the other person to know everything I do.

^^ well, sign me up for one of life's dicks because I cannot imagine anything more insulting to my own intelligence than to go out of my way to accommodate someone's ego just because it's a done thing.

I think this society is bonkers if not wanting to make oneself endure less than satisfactory life is frowned upon.

(I won't always be talking? I find this unlikely.)

You know, it's funny how many people get insulted by this, like you have some obligation to enjoy their company -- like to the point of considering them as a partner -- when the reality is that the two of you just enjoy different things. And I think the key is in the word "worth". You're assuming that the skier has decided that the woman at the bar is worthless if she's not a top skier.

But that's not what he's said. He's said he loves the skiing and lives there, that that's his life, and that relationships don't work out unless the woman's the same way, and approximately the same caliber skier (or better, though maybe she'd be bored with him, then). He's been very honest about how he is and what he looks for in a girlfriend/wife. He's said nothing at all about the bar woman's value as a human being.

And of course there are other things you do -- you have to eat, have a home, go out, etc. And you have to be compatible in other ways, too. But I think you'll find that the people who are deep into what they're doing...man, that's what they do. And their lives are arranged around it, which is one reason why it helps if the other person also does whatever it is, because then they not only understand, but they're living that way, too. That's why I always thought it was kind of silly when people goggled at James Carville and Mary Matalin -- yeah, sure, their politics may be opposite, but first and foremost they're political creatures, live DC politics. That's a business, a calling, a way of life, and they share it. They're also both lightning-quick and (I think) around the same age, share the same world. Why wouldn't they get together?

As for "won't always be skiing" -- yeah, I wondered if someone would get literal about that. But I bet that Olympic skiers actually keep on skiing well into old age, unless they screw themselves up so hard they can't do it anymore.

ETA: about expecting the other person to know everything I do -- well, that's silly too, no two people have the same set of knowledge. But overlap is good, so that you have things to talk about in common. And if the guy knows all about something else that I find interesting but don't know about -- hey, that's great. Take me on the tour. Once again, though, intelligence becomes an issue. I can tell you that it's very unpopular with guys, walking into their field and rapidly understanding it better than they do just because you're there and your mind works that fast on its own. It's amazing how many guys will decide you've done it on purpose to cut them down. Not possible to persuade them that you're not there to compete.

That's how it will come across though. I've seen this happen. Sometimes it's not what a person says it's the way that they say it and the way that they come over. It can be extremely off putting. Some people just give off an air that they think they are better than everyone else and it is not appealing.

Except that it appears that society thinks that being off putting is something a woman must never do whereas for a man it is tolerated.

Personally, the reason I am off putting is because I don't want anyone to get close to me. Doh.

Ah! Okay -- well, in this case, it doesn't matter.

The skier really is a top skier. He's better at skiing that damn near everyone else. If he's looking for a woman, he's looking for a woman who's also better at skiing than damn near everyone else, and loves her life of ski. If the rest of the world wants to get insulted, fine, but neither of them was fishing in that dating pool anyway. Let 'em take it however they want.

Similarly: I am objectively brighter than most -- I forget the standard-deviation stuff, but it's a lot -- and objectively more talented at what I do than damn near everyone else. (I'm also, unfortunately, brighter and more broadly educated than most of the people who are about as talented as I am.) Thanks to the wonders of the internet and English as the universal language (at least for now), I'm not just a local freak or condemned to spend my life scraping together enough money for renting a closet in New York City. Small fraction of a percent of billions is a lot of people. But very few of those people are likely to be near enough to me, single, and reasonably age-appropriate even to try dating. So yes, this is a problem, and it means that when my kid's grown I likely will move to an art/intellectual-center major city, just so I can find more people I can really have fun with, let alone date.

I'll have the rest of that conversation for you, hurtloam:

You: Well then that proves your standards are unreasonable and you should be willing to stop fixating on [set of qualities] and get over yourself.
Me: See above about what happens when I try that. I am what I am; the guys bore me, and they get upset because they can't keep up and their egos get bruised.
You: Well then you should just be different otherwise you'll be miserable and alone and it's your own fault for being inflexible.
Me: (backs away from person who's decided I should be someone else who suits him/her better)

As if you took the same words from my mouth, totally agree.

Boo and hurtloam:

Okay, which of these is/are acceptable?

I am gay. I only date gay people of my sex; I find that otherwise it's a bad experience for both of us.

I am [religion], and it's important to me that my future partner will be part of my religious community. I don't date outside that group because we don't share enough values and ways of life in common.

Sports is my life. Whoever is with me will have to accept that during [season], I'm gone every weekend. This will not change if we have kids, so if she wants a family man, she should pick someone else.

I am full-on monogamous and don't want to be involved with someone who wants a poly life.

I'm not willing to date someone with a significant mental illness; I am crazy enough on my own, thank you.

I'm extremely sociable and enjoy throwing parties for 500, also I'm running for office. Whoever I'm involved with will have to be cool with being around
tons of people almost all the time, otherwise we'd hardly see each other and I don't want that.

I've had a long career on the theatre, first on the road, then on Broadway, and now on the road again. Whoever I'm with needs to be able to handle a life in theatre and either come with me or handle long absences. I don't date single fathers for this reason. I've had a few insist and it turns out badly.

I am an extremely successful CEO. Whoever dates me has to be similarly successful (or more) and have his own money. My experience is that men who are less conventionally successful or less wealthy start out enthusiastic, but quickly become jealous and competitive, even mean, and accuse me of being a ballbusting b***h who never takes time for them, even though I'm the same woman they thought was great the year before, and no busier than I was then. I believe ambitious men really prefer to be with women who are less rich and less visibly successful than they are. (I'm not interested in dating unambitious men, we have little in common.)

Your whole posts in this thread indicate that you have this attitude with guys in life, not just what you put between " ".

And If only two men in 45 years could keep up with your challenging intelligent conversations then certainly something is not right.

Plus the "They know their own limits" screams arrogance and elitism.


I wonder if I am supposed to "know my own limit" and stop having this conversation with you, oh forgive my rudness, Ms. overlord brainiac. I should be scared.