Boyfriend on the spectrum?? or a socio path?

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inachildsmind
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13 Apr 2014, 3:30 pm

Who_Am_I wrote:
Why are you still with him?


I have two kids with him and I love him.



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13 Apr 2014, 3:33 pm

A sociopath is someone who will journey through life without caring for the feelings of others. A typical example of this would be an NT who is a serial dater, constantly leaving one partner for the next because they are 'more fun' or a 'better prospect'. The people they leave behind have shattered lives but the sociopath is unaffected.

There are of course other sociopathic behaviors but this is the best example I can think of.


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inachildsmind
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13 Apr 2014, 3:44 pm

voltagesparks wrote:
This doesn't sound like sociapathy much.

I don't know, you said you guys were going through changes, maybe that's just a little too much to handle. My aspie best friend sometimes gets that way when things don't go according to his plan. I found that it was crucial not to bug him AT ALL during those times because that only makes communication worse. So I usually circle back to the issue a few days later when he's calm and over it. I know it's hard, because girls usually want to talk it out and make up, but that's not how thingsnwork in this case.

That said I still think you shouldn't allow him to use you as a punching bag. He's in a comfortable spot right know, there is a girlfriend by his side who satisfies his needs and takes his meltdowns and verbal abuse like it's her fault. Try to explain him that he is hurting you but only when he's calm.


I said sociopath because his dad was. Or at least one of his dads counselors said he was. I feel he has feelings though but I was really overwhelmed when I wrote all this. It just basically happened. He has the intense blank stare, he will creepily and calmly get in my face and tell me I am the problem and its my fault I am annoying and yada yada and then he will turn around the next day like nothing ever happened and he will refuse to talk about it. He likes to push me till I explode. He has all the tools to calm me down or to stop while he is ahead but he either can not read the social cues or he is doing it to get a rise out of me. Sociopaths enjoy torturing and watching their victims squirm. That sounds a lot like what he does with me. He gets me amped up so I finally expolde (knowing that I try talking him down or I tell him he is taking things to far or too literal) he seems to love getting in my head. He flips everything I say and turns it into something that I dont mean at all and he does it so calmly with his hands crossed on his chest and his blank stare. Then he will either throw me out of the room ( i am only 88lbs so he chooses to do that often if I do not leave as soon as he tells me too) or he will provoke me and then he gets to "handle" me because I was the one that ended up lashing out. I ONLY lash out if I feel threatened or confused. So for him to know me after so many years and to keep allowing things to get out of hand, I can only assume he enjoys it. I am not a princess but I have apologized for any pain that I have caused, as I did not know what to do with my meltdown/tantrums before I found out what was really going on, I would just keep directing my lashes and outbursts to walls or myself so as to not hurt anyone around me. I just get so confused as to why he wont talk or why he wont allow things to get handled appropriately. Why would someone who typically has a wonderful time with me, want to hurt me? It just doesnt make sense to me except to think there is something else going on in his head. He turns into someone completely different and all it takes is for me to point out something that upsets me. He is never the cause or the one to blame, I am the only problem and he can never accept his faults or mistakes. He fits sociopath very well, but I feel that during the weeks we have a great time and love one another that he truly loves me. But I could be a fool and seeing something that is not there. We went three weeks without anything. The moment I want more from him and I stand my ground, is the moment the "roof" falls down. I guess I want to know whats going on in his head. He admitted to me months ago before we found out the news about his dad that he felt he might be a sociopath. Just out of nowhere he mentioned it. He is very cold, lacks empathy, and mixes what I say up. So thats why I thought he might be on the spectrum. We are very much alike except I am more emotional and he refuses to express emotion. He does it in different ways but he wont talk about it. If we talk about it, another tantrum will form. I am never allowed to speak about his intentions or motives or feelings.



inachildsmind
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13 Apr 2014, 4:04 pm

Eccles_the_Mighty wrote:
A sociopath is someone who will journey through life without caring for the feelings of others. A typical example of this would be an NT who is a serial dater, constantly leaving one partner for the next because they are 'more fun' or a 'better prospect'. The people they leave behind have shattered lives but the sociopath is unaffected.

There are of course other sociopathic behaviors but this is the best example I can think of.


http://www.wikihow.com/Spot-a-Sociopath

I would say he is about 10 out of 13 of these. He is a charmer to me but I have never seen him charm anyone else. He lies, but they are tiny and stupid. He seems like he could care less about anyone but himself. If a fight breaks out with us and the kids are there, I can say, "please stop yelling do it for the kids please dont do it in front of the kid" or something like that, and he will continue and push more till I flip and then he gets to blame the crying on me even though the kids were already crying. YES, I try not to do things in front of the kids but he knows my buttons and its hard to get away when I NEED to know what happened to us that we got in that situation... its a mess. But he also seems to care a lot. but i dont know if he cares a lot about me or if he is just having fun doing what he is doing with me or where we go or whatever. He is just so unreal. Its mind blowing how different he is now compared to when we first met. I never would have thought of him this way.



inachildsmind
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13 Apr 2014, 4:12 pm

kaedatiger wrote:
That sounds like emotional abuse. I very much doubt there is anything you can do at this point to make it better. He is already used to getting his way, and these tantrums are not acceptable adult behavior. My advice is to leave as soon as you can. It will be better for your health to remove that stress from your life, especially while you are already working on yourself and don't need the confusion, frustration, and misery that he is giving you.


I just feel like a hypocrite if I leave because he is having tantrums. He has never really been supportive of mine but he has stayed with me in spite of it all. I want him to get help and he keeps going back and fourth on to whether or not he is going to talk to someone. He says I dont know when to stop. I dont really but I know thats part of my communication issue. I have come up with so many ways to help us work together and he says he wont do them because they are controlling. I want to do what I can to keep us happy and together as a family so why is what I NEED to make life smoother, such a bad controlling thing? He wont allow me to get better or make things better. I guess because I like puzzles so much, I dont want to leave till I figure out what is wrong with him. I know its not saine for me to do but I just dont get how he can want me to be better without the effort and teamwork it will take. Not that their is anything wrong with me, I like who I am. I just hate how things can get taken wrong from what I say and do and I always try to fix it cause I didnt mean it like what people think it means... weird when I write it out.



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13 Apr 2014, 4:41 pm

BirdInFlight wrote:
No matter what is causing him to be that way, there's only one important thing: seriously, you need to call it quits on this relationship. Emotional abuse and the threat of physical abuse; passive aggressive moodiness -- trust me, this is not a healthy relationship and he is not an emotionally stable or healthy person.

I know whereof I speak, as I've been in a similarly abusive, messed up relationship with a very, very unstable, messed up person with deep, deep issues.

Right now it's not the most important thing to wonder what your boyfriend "is" in terms of explanations for why he behaves the way he does, and also right now it's not the most important thing that you have issues too that you bring to the situation -- all that actually matters is that this has become a really bad relationship, he is making you afraid, and you need to get out.

There doesn't seem to be any possibility of working with him on anything as he is unwilling to do that. There's a "point of no return" in relationships that start to go bad, and from everything you describe, you guys have passed that.

Trust me, when a partner is at that stage of emotional resistance against the other partner, there's nowhere to go but move on.

You are wasting years of your life on someone you can't heal with, deal with or get on an even keel. I tried too -- it just isn't going to happen. I know you probably don't want to hear that, and you probably love him anyway, but do you really want to keep living with this misery, and this unworkable person?

.


I know. I have two kids with him and I just wanted to have a good happy family. I never had the best and I do ask alot of him because I tend to live in my fantasy world where everything works out right. I tried to leave when I realized everything was not quite right 2 years ago after we had my son. I found and apartment and everything but I could not get it without a co-signer. He would not sign it because he did not like the idea of it. At the time I had issues with my family and I am very independent so to ask for help is something I hate doing. Also I have pride but thats a different story. So, I decided to stay and push through this stupid house and our issues. Then I asked a year ago and ended up pregnant so for me to leave would have been disaster. Now I finally convince him to move with me to a place I can handle (this house will be the death of me I hate it so much) and he is making me feel guilty every step of the way explaining how much money we will be spending. I just want to get away from this awful house that holds me hostage. I just want peace and I want to have love that we seem to have but its not enough to stop his issues and its not enough for him to get help for. I want to go. I guess I just do not know how. oh and he is the co person on my disability money so thats a hassle to go through.



inachildsmind
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13 Apr 2014, 5:12 pm

AngelRho wrote:
I really, REALLY hate saying this, but I don't see how you two can be together. Doesn't matter WHY the relationship is abusive, just that it IS abusive. You can't keep this up long-term.

Boyfriends and girlfriends do not have any tangible commitments to each other. You are allowed to break up.

I wouldn't give the same advice if you were married. I'd tell you to take all possible steps to fix your problems. What I'm reading here is you have a guy who isn't interested in fixing his problems. You're under no obligation to help him. He can't change unless he wants to change…and let's face it--people don't change and it isn't up to us to change them. If you want to maintain this relationship, you have to inform him that the choices he's making are not choices you can live with. Tell him that you'll leave him alone for a couple or three days to think about what he wants to do, and give him another chance. He makes one bad move after that and you're GONE.

I say "one bad move…" Be fair. Don't set him up for failure. Don't raise the bar or move the goalposts. Agree to reasonable and measurable goals in your relationship and go for that. You're both going to make mistakes. But you have to agree that THIS behavior or THAT behavior must STOP. If it's something that just annoys you a little but you could live with, it doesn't count. If it's something that really means a lot to you, though, and something you know you can't live with, then it's not just a matter of a guy changing his behavior to be the perfect guy for you. It becomes a matter of this guy just not being the right guy for you, period.

I often mention that the woman I married was (and is) my best friend. Best friends don't treat each other like dirt. Best friends love each other for who they are, not what the other person wants them to be. I have to figure out who I am, she has to figure out who she is, and "we" have to figure out who "we" are together. There is no change, no sacrifice, and no compromise. We bring the best we have together to the table and we help each other with the parts we don't like--that is, the parts about ourselves (individually) we don't like. If I want to change and I need her help, or if she wants to change and needs my help, we're there. We saw what we expected in a mate BEFORE we got married and have been going with it ever since.

The problem I see in your relationship is that there is no "together" here. You should reasonably expect certain behavior, and exactly what that means is entirely up to you. Some people can live with the person you're describing, and that's fine. Some people choose to be orderlies in nuthouses and they're happy there. Great. From what you've said, you're not that person. Crazy is hard to live with, but Crazy is even harder to get rid of. Get out now while you can. If you really care about this relationship, give it one last chance as I suggested earlier, i.e. communicate your displeasure with abusive behavior, give him time to think about whether he wants to continue the relationship, discuss how you want to go from there, and make a quick exit if he's unable to keep that up.

Most importantly, don't look at breaking up as punishment for not getting your way. Look at it as discovery that THIS relationship isn't the right relationship for either of you and that breaking up really is your best option. There will be no lingering hard feelings. The love is still there and always will be. But it is love that seeks the best in all things and everyone, even if it means dissolving the relationship.


We have kids so it is not something that can just be "untangled". I have always told myself I would never allow this to happen with anyone or any relationship. Something about him has me on the edge. I cant decided if I want to go or if its worth it too keep trying. He has told me to go. I have tried to go but we never want each other to go. In the end I just think he knows I wont leave because I want this happily ever after family life. I know I am not going to get it, but I am hopeful. I want to move out of this house that has so much bad in it. Bad memories for him and me and he grew up here and lots of bad things happened here for him as well. I just feel like we need to get away from all the bad. BUT he needs to work on himself as well. I know moving a house wont help if he is still unwilling to seek counseling of some sort. I guess I would feel hypocritical to leave when he has been through every tantrum I have ever had. BUT he was not helpful and never sot out ways to stop them and now he has the ability and he still refuses to see anything is caused by him. I have not problem taking blame but It takes two people to do what happens and I refuse to take all the blame. He use to be my best friend. The more responsibilities he gets it seems life is harder for him to cope. He thinks anything I complain about is an attack on him and he will use that excuse as a way to play with my head or to hurt me. I dont know for sure if that is 100% true but thats what it feels like. He has the power to make things stop and he wont. I have a hard time of letting things go so I pressure situations just as much. He will refuse to give in to anything and is constantly taking what I say or do as a way to "control" him. He is stubborn and selfish but without kids and work around he is still that same amazing man I met and fell instantly for. I keep hope that he will come back and stay but I know it wont. I know I am putting myself into a cycle of abuse and I have seen it for a while. I have always blamed myself because I was always the first to lash out but now I know more about myself I am seeing how much he pushes for things to go bad. I can see myself walk away and hear him taunt me as I leave. He will do it till I explode. It is not healthy but I dont know how to accept that its bad. I dont know how to accept that I am not going to have that soul mate anymore and that he is not the same person. I dont know how to accept that he doesnt care if we leave but will threaten to take my kids because I have a mental past that he can use against me. I dont know how to accept that I want things to be fixed but they just cant and wont. I guess I still want to accept the fault. If it wasnt for my mental state maybe this never would have ended up this way. But thats a scenario that will never be played out and I will never know. I dont want to hurt my kids by staying in this and I do not want to hurt them by leaving. I feel like a fool that I thought we would never change because our honeymoon phase lasted longer than most peoples and I thought for sure he would stay amazing. I feel like I broke him down with every tantrum and every meltdown. Now I am ready to help him and he doesnt want it. He doesnt just go around abusing me. But it seems like he can make excuses if we have tantrums that its okay for him to react physically even if I walk away. I dont know what to do. I feel stuck. He has all my money and I just dont know. I miss him. I miss everything about him. I hate who he becomes.



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13 Apr 2014, 7:57 pm

So what happens when he starts hitting the kids?
If you won't get out for your sake, get out for theirs. Your "happy family" doesn't exist with what you've got now.


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13 Apr 2014, 8:11 pm

Who_Am_I wrote:
So what happens when he starts hitting the kids?
If you won't get out for your sake, get out for theirs. Your "happy family" doesn't exist with what you've got now.


He doesnt just go around beating me. Its not a healthy situation all together but it doesnt mean that its easy to just go. I dont want to play a victim. He has put up with a lot as well. Only I know I am getting help for it. Its hard for me to read people and he is the hardest person to read now. He definitely has some issues and they only come out when I talk about his feelings or him being inconsiderate. He hates being told about things he does "wrong". I dont just sit there and belittle him, I ask him questions and try to figure out what is going on and he flips. I get being annoyed with me or upset even but his behavior is just over board. I know he is bad for me. I wish I could find more than just this one thing so I could leave. There is so many good things about him though. If he could allow himself to tackle this, we would be okay. I will leave. I just dont know when. For now, my kids are safe and I cant imagine they ever wont be with him. Maybe we are just toxic together.



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13 Apr 2014, 10:29 pm

Are you seeing a counsellor or psychologist?
When I was in an abusive relationship (starts out great, being wooed and romanced, then moved away from my family, isolated, not allowed to make friends, the arguments you can't win against his dellusional mind, loss of privacy and personal finances, the physical abuse, the cycle of good period and s**t period leading to the abuse...) I thought I was the problem, I was depressed. If I could just be happy then maybe I would be happier with the relationship. So I saw a counsellor (or as he called her, my "kookoo doctor") and she was amazing. She helped me have an outside, impartial, realistic, logical perspective on the relationship which without her felt like I was trapped inside the funhouse with all those warped mirrors reflecting his warped reality back at me. I really didn't know what was 'right' anymore.
She gave me the moral and practical support to leave, and I felt great about it. Scary as hell, but once it was done and I got his voice out of my head. PHEW! Freeeeeeeeeeeeeedom!
See if you can talk to someone professional, just you alone, not as a couple, about the situation. They will help you decide what to do and they will let you know what resources there are available in your area whether you decide to stay or leave.



Last edited by aBrashnessPurged on 13 Apr 2014, 10:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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14 Apr 2014, 12:19 am

inachildsmind wrote:
I am having a hard time dealing with my boyfriend. He has been lashing out and because for years we thought it was all due to my "bipolar" but I am not ASD, I have always taken the blame and tried to "fix" myself over and over to make things better. Now that I found out why I flip out and have meltdowns and tantrums, I see myself able to calm down and not "care" as much as before. SO, I have discovered that he has the same issues. No matter how calm I talk or try to tell him I do not mean what he things I mean, he continues to tell me I attack him with my words. He gets angry and will lash out at me. Tonight he through Tequilla in my face because he did not want to talk. He hides and balls up in this blank stare and he HATES talking about feelings. I mean worse than just a "guy thing". I feel he is on the spectrum because he stays cool till some little thing happens and he will explode and bring up a hundred things that have nothing to do with what we are "arguing" about. He zones into his games and if they are disturbed he will become the most mean and brutal person. Like Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He hurts me and will blame his outlashes on me and he will give every reason to why it was a justified attack towards me. Even if I missread something he says, there is never a reason to hurt your partner. I have lashed out on him in the past before I understood about myself, now its easier to spot and they do not come on now unless I have been "threatened". I think thats why my parenter does. He thinks I am really attacking him, when I am just simply speaking my opinons. I told him he was getting his signals crossed and that he has trouble understanding what I say sometimes (I know NT and ASD have this issue but he sounds like me and has a hard time letting go like I do so it just seems more ASD like behavior) Then he will get this straight face and go mute. He will not want to work anything out and he will walk away and say "leave me alone" even if I dont even bother him. It just seems like ASD behavior. I am not saying I dont bug him, because I am sure I do. But he handles it inappropriately. I think his work is too much and he hates change so we are moving and I think the change and extra responsibility has crushed him which led him to explode. Either that or he really does not care that he hurts me and really wants me to believe its my fault because he gets very controlling or very antaganistic. I dont know I am getting afraid of him.



I am confused, you have said before you are ASD and then you say in this post you're not? Was that a typo or?


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14 Apr 2014, 12:40 am

If he is a scociopath I strongly recommend you leave him asap all his charms and such are his way of manipulating you to get his way out of you. My stepdads a sociopath and is a control freak with a violent streak my mom falls for his crap shes in a stokholm syndrome like state. Sociopaths are dangerous.


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14 Apr 2014, 2:50 am

inachildsmind wrote:
Tonight he through Tequilla in my face because he did not want to talk.

Holy hell, I would be finished with anyone who did this before the tequila even hit me. This person seems like absolute dump material and deserves nobody, I don't know why anyone remains with people who are abusive to them, especially so blatantly as this.



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14 Apr 2014, 3:28 am

Honey, abusive relationships survive on brief good periods among the bad. He uses it to keep the fantasy in your head that you two can actually work out. Plus he uses your kids for the same purpose. If he's baiting you in front of the children just so he could put a blame on you for making them cry... that should be all the answer you need. Of course he wouldn't co-sign for your apartment, if you moved out he couldn't control you anymore. You say you don't want to be a hypocrite and play a victim, but surely you realize that you are a victim? It strikes me as strange the way you tell us about his horrid behaviour and then proceed to make excuses for him. The question is, what are you going to do when your children are older? They will grow in tension, listening to you guys shout it out and your boyfriend will not be the bad guy in their eyes. It will be you, because you lash out and kids don't always understand provocation and adult relationship dynamics.



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14 Apr 2014, 3:38 am

voltagesparks wrote:
It strikes me as strange the way you tell us about his horrid behaviour and then proceed to make excuses for him.

I think this is a common thread that is shared in every abusive relationship I have seen; the relationship continues because one party excuses what should be inexcusable. They almost appear to pity their abuser, as if the abuser has no choice but to abuse and therefore isn't responsible for his/her actions.



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14 Apr 2014, 6:16 am

Deuterium wrote:
voltagesparks wrote:
It strikes me as strange the way you tell us about his horrid behaviour and then proceed to make excuses for him.

I think this is a common thread that is shared in every abusive relationship I have seen; the relationship continues because one party excuses what should be inexcusable. They almost appear to pity their abuser, as if the abuser has no choice but to abuse and therefore isn't responsible for his/her actions.


The worst thing is, I'm pretty sure I'd be the same in OP's shoes. It's very easy to throw around advice or be judgmental about it, but you never know how you would act yourself in a given situation.