I feel like I'm second compared to most other men

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FrankiDelano
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20 Aug 2014, 11:53 pm

In class today there was a nice looking girl who sat about two seats behind me, I decided I was going to make an effort to talk to her after class. So the end of class comes I pack up, and another guy in class immediately introduces himself and starts to talking to her on the way out of class, I followed them far behind for a few feet, and after seeing they weren't going to be parting ways anytime soon I walked off in the other direction.

I don't want to focus to much on solutions to the story, but this happens to me so many times, i often meet a girl I'm interested enough to actually talk to and then she meets another guy who actually has the courage to start a relationship with her. It's not fair either I've used the exact same phrases and simple mannerisms, eye contact, relating to girls on a more personal level, compliments, and all other manner of amalgamations that can be called "flirting," but guess what, as I anticipated, EVERYONE ELSE'S ADVICE AND TECHNIQUES FAILED FOR ME! WOO-HOO! Nothing has ever worked well for me, and so far the only conclusion I can come to is that everyone is just doing better me. It's not that I'm not doing my best, just that every other man who tries to the best of there abilities are better than me. I could never find a way to convince a girl to go out with me, rural California is big, and gas expensive. I don't have a license or a car, or a place of my own... I don't have anything to offer really, I have a part-time job, that;s about it. I want to be a history major, and I often dream of being a writer, but a really have no goals, right now I'm just trying to become as smart as I possibly can. That doesn't matter though when there are so many other men who already have those ideal qualities women want.

I don't know what to do from here. I'm going to be twenty one in a couple of months, and pretty much stuck in the same s**t loop I've been in for nearly nine years. Right now it feels like there is no way out, and I'm still limping behind the other men in terms of my ability to attract.



The_Postmaster
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21 Aug 2014, 3:12 am

FrankiDelano wrote:
It's not fair either I've used the exact same phrases and simple mannerisms, eye contact, relating to girls on a more personal level, compliments, and all other manner of amalgamations that can be called "flirting," but guess what, as I anticipated, EVERYONE ELSE'S ADVICE AND TECHNIQUES FAILED FOR ME!


I have a theory that aspies who try this are going to be doomed to fail. A neurotypical person might not be able to immediately tell (or tell at all) that we're aspies, but they will know something's off about us. Especially if we try to fake normality. I suspect that when I try to blend in it comes off as terribly insincere.

Perhaps just try to do whatever comes naturally rather than following the advice of others? If what you're trying now isn't working anyway, it can't hurt to switch tactics.



yellowtamarin
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21 Aug 2014, 3:32 am

I agree with the above. It is very likely that you in fact are not using the exact same mannerisms, eye contact etc. If you are thinking about it and analysing it enough to come to the conclusion you have, then probably you are doing it in too much of a clinical, imitation-like way instead of just doing what comes naturally.

In terms of eye contact for example, you can't possibly know if you are doing it the same as someone else. Most of the flirtatious eye contact I make with someone I'm interested in probably isn't spotted by other people. If you've really been watching someone closely enough to know exactly what they are doing...well that's creepy :P



JaryT
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21 Aug 2014, 5:35 am

yellowtamarin wrote:
I agree with the above. It is very likely that you in fact are not using the exact same mannerisms, eye contact etc. If you are thinking about it and analysing it enough to come to the conclusion you have, then probably you are doing it in too much of a clinical, imitation-like way instead of just doing what comes naturally.

In terms of eye contact for example, you can't possibly know if you are doing it the same as someone else. Most of the flirtatious eye contact I make with someone I'm interested in probably isn't spotted by other people. If you've really been watching someone closely enough to know exactly what they are doing...well that's creepy :P

D: I must be so creepy.
Well, I am, but I thought it was for different reasons.
I do have to concur, though, "techniques" have never worked for me. Of course, neither has acting like myself.
I think there's a great deal of luck involved. Mostly as to what kind of person you approach. Study and observation work well. Listening to what EXACTLY they say during a conversation can also help. I find it easier to interact with females when I have a catalogue of previous answers. Of course, I am creepy.
But hey, it's kinda worked for me lately, so why not go with semi creepy for a bit?



kraftiekortie
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21 Aug 2014, 6:05 am

Hey Mr. Roosevelt,

You're still young yet--you might just be a late bloomer--like I was!

When I was 20, guys superseded me in every way; and I knew it.

However, I never gave up; I just had to change my game plan.

Join clubs, attend lectures pertaining to your special interest. Meet chicks that way.

Not everybody is going to succeed in the extemporaneous obtaining of chicks. I sure didn't!

I did succeed, however, when THERE WAS ACTUALLY SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT!



The_Face_of_Boo
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21 Aug 2014, 6:09 am

Go for the girls aren't the most nice looking in the class- less hassle, less competition.



FrankiDelano
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21 Aug 2014, 8:59 am

yellowtamarin wrote:
I agree with the above. It is very likely that you in fact are not using the exact same mannerisms, eye contact etc. If you are thinking about it and analysing it enough to come to the conclusion you have, then probably you are doing it in too much of a clinical, imitation-like way instead of just doing what comes naturally.

In terms of eye contact for example, you can't possibly know if you are doing it the same as someone else. Most of the flirtatious eye contact I make with someone I'm interested in probably isn't spotted by other people. If you've really been watching someone closely enough to know exactly what they are doing...well that's creepy


I guess I should've specified that everyone's "advice and techniques" where literally what you just told me. I did find ways that where my own, natural, and had a nice ebb and flow to the way I talked, at least I thought I did. Everyone tells me I need to figure out for myself, and I try many different methods, and I change up the way I flirt like every month or so, but none of that makes a difference.

I found a better explanation for why these things happen though: I believe in a strange Lovecraftian-esque tear in space and time, that is now allowing strange entities to project themselves through my being. Thus instead of seeing a Human, I think most girls would actually instead be looking at Naga-Hazagarathothoth'Girub the Million Blights of the Mortals. I know it sounds ridiculous, but that's how I feel when most women look at me.



aspiemike
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21 Aug 2014, 9:12 am

Changing things up because something isn't working still isn't natural. People telling you to figure out for yourself are likely suggesting that you accept yourself and grow.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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21 Aug 2014, 9:24 am

aspiemike wrote:
Changing things up because something isn't working still isn't natural. People telling you to figure out for yourself are likely suggesting that you accept yourself and grow.


I've accepted to give up; is that growing? lol



FrankiDelano
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21 Aug 2014, 9:27 am

aspiemike wrote:
Changing things up because something isn't working still isn't natural. People telling you to figure out for yourself are likely suggesting that you accept yourself and grow.


Try not to take offense, I'm not referring to you in any away, but people should mind there own f*****g business.

People have been telling me to grow up, accept life, and work myself for an upwards of five years now. All I do is give them a blank stare, a stupid question warrants a stupid answer. What do they think I've been doing? What do they think ANY OF US do when we age and get older? Most of us sure as s**t don't get stupider! I already learned to accept who i was long ago, but a lot of people don't believe that, mainly they don't seem to realize that part of me being who I am means being mentally traumatized, and working with that. Not denying it, or manipulating it, but realizing that a dark past is just part of my being. I don't deny the past, but it still haunts me, and I realize the only way to get out if it is to simply age and learn. I just don't think I'm aging or learning fast enough, or maybe I'm aging and learning to fast, who knows anymore.



kraftiekortie
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21 Aug 2014, 9:43 am

I hope you come out like Eisenhower; like you, I prefer him to Franklin.



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21 Aug 2014, 9:45 am

FrankiDelano wrote:
What do they think ANY OF US do when we age and get older? Most of us sure as sh** don't get stupider!


So true, the exception being when people often get senile around age 85-90 or so.



FrankiDelano
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21 Aug 2014, 10:09 am

Venger wrote:
FrankiDelano wrote:
What do they think ANY OF US do when we age and get older? Most of us sure as sh** don't get stupider!


So true, the exception being when people often become senile around age 85-90 or so.


yeah but that's a sadder kind of mental degradation.



kraftiekortie
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21 Aug 2014, 10:15 am

Much sadder, since these 85-90 year old people have accumulated much wisdom.



CommanderKeen
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21 Aug 2014, 10:22 am

Alright, first off most of the advice you'll get from "ladies men" aren't going to work for you. Just toss that stuff in the trash. You need to find the type of women that is attracted to you and pput yourself in places women like that will be. For example my buddy can get all these girls in the area where we live. A lot of these girls are clubbing types and gothic girls. I've tried talking to the same type of girls he's talked to and no luck. In fact I don't even know how to have a conversation with them. I myself do way better at college and even though I've never dated anyone in college I thought back and realized how I could have but I didn't notice them flirting with me, hell I even had a married woman give me her number and tell me if I needed anything to call her. I never did call her lol. You can look at that as good, or bad. anyway, that's the first step. You sound like you love reading based on the HP Lovecraft reference. Maybe you can see if you can join some scifi clubs. Also if you do well talking to intellectual types, it's best not to look for women at places that won't really have your type, like bars and clubs. <<<< I know I'll get hateful replies like "Oh so intelligent women don't goto bars ever". Yes you can find them in bars, but they aren't the majority there. Now the second step is to go places you want to go for other reasons than wanting to find someone. Don't goto a scifi convention to meet women, go there because you want to meet actors there, or buy stuff, or whatever other reason. Thirdly have good posture. Believe me bad posture will hinder you in many ways. Always have you chest up and look forward. Do things that make YOU confident, for yourself. When I was younger I never had confidence and would walk looking at the ground, now thanks to bodybuilding(not saying you need to do that, but thats what helped me), I always walk with good posture and have this assertiveness look to me. Now I don't really get messed with, all I get is people who want to bum a cigarette off me. I don't even smoke. Also sometimes it helps to talk to yourself in your head and to yourself things such as, "it's okay if she says no, you don't even really know her." I hope all that helps.



aspiemike
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21 Aug 2014, 10:53 am

FrankiDelano wrote:
aspiemike wrote:
Changing things up because something isn't working still isn't natural. People telling you to figure out for yourself are likely suggesting that you accept yourself and grow.


Try not to take offense, I'm not referring to you in any away, but people should mind there own f*****g business.

People have been telling me to grow up, accept life, and work myself for an upwards of five years now. All I do is give them a blank stare, a stupid question warrants a stupid answer. What do they think I've been doing? What do they think ANY OF US do when we age and get older? Most of us sure as sh** don't get stupider! I already learned to accept who i was long ago, but a lot of people don't believe that, mainly they don't seem to realize that part of me being who I am means being mentally traumatized, and working with that. Not denying it, or manipulating it, but realizing that a dark past is just part of my being. I don't deny the past, but it still haunts me, and I realize the only way to get out if it is to simply age and learn. I just don't think I'm aging or learning fast enough, or maybe I'm aging and learning to fast, who knows anymore.


Well.... The past is always the key, right? Anyway... Since you pretty much made it clear you don't want to hear from me.....adios.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 130 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 88 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie