Page 1 of 5 [ 70 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next

Patrick64
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 7 Apr 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 98

22 Aug 2014, 4:13 am

Remember, the opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference.

If you hate the opposite sex for not wanting to show love and compassion, it shows you care, but if you just don't care about romance, love and all that, then you move on and accept reality and shut out what the media tells you. (and I think you should, because the media is very destructive).



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 32,872
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

22 Aug 2014, 4:47 am

MXH wrote:
Persevero wrote:
My guess would be that all the negative outcomes of your experiences so far has made you give up subconsciously.

As long as you don't feel lonely I see no harm in not pursuing a relationship. Just keep your eyes and ears open for the people around you.

Goodness knows if I could just live entirely by myself without being devoured by loneliness I think I would.


Literally verbatim what I was going to say.



They were negative outcomes but nothing was too dramatic, it's not like I was married for 10 years and got cheated or been ripped.

Just got first dates without seconds, regretted for not pursuing certain person, been ditched once (for revealing being atheist) and felt got cheated once with another - but those were very very short-lived "relationships" tbh, not exceeding a couple of months.



Toy_Soldier
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,370

22 Aug 2014, 12:02 pm

Its hard to evaluate wholely without having had a trully good relationship. In other words to have seen what one is like at its best, and to feel appreciated, loved, and vice versa. So my gut feeling is that one should continue persuing it until that happens at least once. But to have had just so-so experiences is quite common, as finding the right partner can be hard, so don't feel bad on that account. And at times the frustration level can build and a sense of futility set in. But that doesn't mean its over, as it is likely just a natural reaction phase that will be over once you are ready, or someone comes along and rekindles interest.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 32,872
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

22 Aug 2014, 12:15 pm

How to know when I am ready?
I've never ever felt I am quite ready for it tbh.



Toy_Soldier
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,370

22 Aug 2014, 12:32 pm

To be frank as well, I am not totally sure it will happen like that, that you will feel clear and motivating desire. There must be every shade of person, and in some the drive is strong and in others its not there, and all sorts of inbetween. My thought is to give relationships/love the benefit of the doubt, for if it works it is a unique experience in life and one worth having tried for yourself.

The interactive part is an unknown too. How much does what the partner is and does affect you? What does it awaken, if anything? As an analogy, I was doubtful I was cut out for parenting. I really can't stand the continual noise and distraction of many kids. But once I had a child something instantly and dramatically switched on in my brain and such things did not bother me. Someone you really, really, like can have a significant effect on your thinking.



Persevero
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 25 Mar 2013
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 245

22 Aug 2014, 4:34 pm

IMO nobody is really ready. Hence the innumerable amount of abusive/broken relationships.

If you think you're not ready you're over-thinking it. And I did too much of that too.



0_equals_true
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Apr 2007
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,038
Location: London

23 Aug 2014, 4:43 pm

You know I can totally relate.

I wouldn't say I have no desire, but I don't really see why it has to be the be an end all. I think of the desperation, surrounding interest in relationship it doesn't apply to everyone. I can totally separate desire from need a companion. I could have a companion (although more unconventional relationship less co-dependent), but I can also survive fine as I'm. I don't get lonely.

I also find that other people seem more concerned than I am. I'm never one to give into social pressure.

I also want to counter a lot of the rhetoric that says you are giving up. If you really wanted to resume you could, you have done it before. Enjoy the break and pick up when you are ready. They are talkign from their perspective, but how do you this is the same. it might not be.



0_equals_true
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Apr 2007
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,038
Location: London

23 Aug 2014, 5:09 pm

Patrick64 wrote:
Remember, the opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference.

If you hate the opposite sex for not wanting to show love and compassion, it shows you care, but if you just don't care about romance, love and all that, then you move on and accept reality and shut out what the media tells you. (and I think you should, because the media is very destructive).


What a bunch of..... :P

The opposite of Love is not indifference. I mean basic logic tell you this is not factually accurate.

Secondly if you hate the opposite for not "wanting to show love and compassion", it shows you (I mean hypothetical 'you' not actually you) are like a lot of folk in this section, pointlessly wasting energy resenting and blaming people for something not really their fault, or at least an area where nobody has the moral high ground. It is pure transference, frustration leading to resentment and blame. It also dishonest becuase their is differnce between compassion and platonic love and sexual interest/attraction, but said subject will conflate them.

Far from showing you care is show you are hypocrite for not showing real compassion or understanding of humankind, becuase you believe you are a victim and it is somehow their fault and they owe you. But when the cards are turned, and you will find it can difficult to know how to deal with unwanted and persistent interest. In some cases the harsh treatment might actually be the more compassionate option, but whatever way it is dealt will can lead to some level of resentment in some people.

People do not form these relationship purely on compassion, feeling sorry for someone, or expecting someone to feel sorry for and expecting them to give you a concessionary chance is not a realistic basis for relationship at all, becuase it forms a very one sided affair, and put all the pressure on them to hold 'you' up.

We are also all picky, so really you should expect to get rejected many times over.

I give Boo a lot more credit than this. I don't think he is at this stage, he is way beyond this. He understands that things are not that simple.



0_equals_true
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Apr 2007
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,038
Location: London

23 Aug 2014, 5:26 pm

In romantic land, love is selfless. In the real world requited love is mutually satisfied selfishness, but that is no less beautiful.

Even those thing we associate with selflessness like generosity, reciprocation, you will find pleasure sensor of the brain activated on fMRI, or if the effect is not immediate, there is a biological/behavioral imperative.

They found a similar stimulation effects between lovestruck, gambling addicts, and that enjoy philanthropy/charity work.



Patrick64
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 7 Apr 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 98

23 Aug 2014, 5:47 pm

0_equals_true wrote:
Patrick64 wrote:
Remember, the opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference.

If you hate the opposite sex for not wanting to show love and compassion, it shows you care, but if you just don't care about romance, love and all that, then you move on and accept reality and shut out what the media tells you. (and I think you should, because the media is very destructive).


What a bunch of..... :P

The opposite of Love is not indifference. I mean basic logic tell you this is not factually accurate.

Secondly if you hate the opposite for not "wanting to show love and compassion", it shows you (I mean hypothetical 'you' not actually you) are like a lot of folk in this section, pointlessly wasting energy resenting and blaming people for something not really their fault, or at least an area where nobody has the moral high ground. It is pure transference, frustration leading to resentment and blame. It also dishonest becuase their is differnce between compassion and platonic love and sexual interest/attraction, but said subject will conflate them.

Far from showing you care is show you are hypocrite for not showing real compassion or understanding of humankind, becuase you believe you are a victim and it is somehow their fault and they owe you. But when the cards are turned, and you will find it can difficult to know how to deal with unwanted and persistent interest. In some cases the harsh treatment might actually be the more compassionate option, but whatever way it is dealt will can lead to some level of resentment in some people.

People do not form these relationship purely on compassion, feeling sorry for someone, or expecting someone to feel sorry for and expecting them to give you a concessionary chance is not a realistic basis for relationship at all, becuase it forms a very one sided affair, and put all the pressure on them to hold 'you' up.

We are also all picky, so really you should expect to get rejected many times over.

I give Boo a lot more credit than this. I don't think he is at this stage, he is way beyond this. He understands that things are not that simple.


I say why bother, when a girl is never going to show any interest in you no matter how hard you try? If people are just going to ignore you, make you feel like that you don't exist, why should you change for their approval? I say change for the better for yourself so you can be happy single before getting into a relationship. And also prepare for a breakup. Never do any financial collective things with a girl, especially if she's just choosing to be your friend. i.e. adding her to your cellphone plan, buying her a car. You can do nice things for people, and you're right. Girls don't owe guys anything because if they look good, some of these girls will just go for the ones that have more. But with getting rejected, am I supposed to get hurt over and over again? Hypocrite you say? Well, I show as much compassion for someone but never get it back. It was all a fruitless effort. I believe I am making the right decision to learn how to not care. Why waste time and energy hating something you can't change? Also, it's dangerous. Google Elliot Rodger. Did anyone offer to divert his mindset? no. He did what he was planning to do, and made another sad story on the internet news. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to want to kill people for not giving me what I could use. To make things probably more understanding: I didn't have my mother. She died when I was 3. That's nobody's fault. It is what it is. I was bullied at childhood, and abused. Now, I am working on not being aggressive, but more assertive. Being who I am is just not good enough. I have to change what I want, or change myself to get what I want. If we could be young forever, we wouldn't have to worry about finding a significant other at young age. I am 27, and if being single and alone keeps up till 40-50, (and I am trying to divert this, by attempting to go out there and meet people but it's really hard because of my autism), I'm just going to stop caring, because all my efforts were fruitless. I feel like people don't care about me because of my attitude. It's a innate human flaw. I rather be wrong about this negative notion, and believe that one day every human will care for each other and see humanity as one organism that we need to take care of, but until then, the cycle of these human problems will persist on and on, and I rather enjoy my life than be depressed over something I didn't get when I was still young.



0_equals_true
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Apr 2007
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,038
Location: London

24 Aug 2014, 2:19 am

/\

Patrick64 that is exactly the kind of stuff I'm talking about. You are basically lumping and generalizing, and being a hypocrite. As soon as a girl come along that you really don't like and have no attraction to, you will react in the obvious way and if it is transient you will think nothing of it.

Do you think your compassion knows no bounds, there isn't a practically side or not drawn by more primal urges. Well don't expect that becuase you think you are somehow compassionate and nice, that people are goign to stop being animal, and stop the train for one person.

Maybe it is true that you may be totally unsuitable for dating. However reality is your lack of success could be equally down to chance, or your approach to dating. I'm a hypocrite to but I given up wasting time feeling sorry for myself. That won't increase the chance of success, and it make you feel bad. You are over-thinking thing, people that aren't paying attention to you, obviously aren't thinking about you, so you are assuming way too much about them.

Btw I don't even advocate join bank account or even cohabitation, for myself. But even if you do you are way jumping the gun.



tarantella64
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Feb 2011
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,850

24 Aug 2014, 2:42 am

Boo, are you happy? Or at least content?

If so, don't worry about it. Life comes with enough problems, you don't have to worry about ones that might arise someday maybe.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 32,872
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

24 Aug 2014, 4:45 am

Honestly, duck, I am not getting what you are talking about in that chit chat, all what Patrick is saying is to be indifferent (and to be indifferent if someone doesn't reciprocate interest, I think this is healthy), I don't see where he's being resentful against the opposite gender or is "a lot of folk in this section, pointlessly wasting energy resenting and blaming people for something not really their fault".



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 32,872
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

24 Aug 2014, 4:48 am

tarantella64 wrote:
Boo, are you happy? Or at least content?

If so, don't worry about it. Life comes with enough problems, you don't have to worry about ones that might arise someday maybe.


Are you? :P



0_equals_true
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Apr 2007
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,038
Location: London

24 Aug 2014, 5:25 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Honestly, duck, I am not getting what you are talking about in that chit chat, all what Patrick is saying is to be indifferent (and to be indifferent if someone doesn't reciprocate interest, I think this is healthy), I don't see where he's being resentful against the opposite gender or is "a lot of folk in this section, pointlessly wasting energy resenting and blaming people for something not really their fault".


Just take the average post in this section for an example.

What is he saying is not really indifference, indifference would be not being bothered about people's reactions to him, not giving up becuase he feel there is no point becuase a girl is never goign to show him interest according to him.

Quote:
and to be indifferent if someone doesn't reciprocate interest, I think this is healthy)

Yes sort of.


What he initially said was

Quote:
If you hate the opposite sex for not wanting to show love and compassion, it shows you care


Would that be a direct contradiction of what he said later?



tarantella64
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Feb 2011
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,850

24 Aug 2014, 5:50 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
tarantella64 wrote:
Boo, are you happy? Or at least content?

If so, don't worry about it. Life comes with enough problems, you don't have to worry about ones that might arise someday maybe.


Are you? :P


Honestly? It depends on how overworked I am. I just have too many responsibilities (just wrapping up work on a project now, at 5:45 am; tomorrow (before my daughter gets home) must finish writing and post course materials for a class that starts next week, and I've been sick all week). When I have time for rest and exercise and seeing friends, yeah, I'm pretty happy.