My current crisis

Post Reply New Topic

Sorry for the long post, I don't usually express myself with anyone about my condition and it has been so much time since I wrote in this forum that I can't even remember my original username.

It goes like this:

I am married, 33 years old and a 3 years old daughter. My wife has issues of her own that started to trouble me just before we got married, she is extremely jealousy and try to keep me away even from her sisters, has f****d with my email, cell phone, etc.. to the point of making my life miserable. The irony? One day I decided to check her phone and surprise!! she had been sexting a guy for months, not sure if they went further than that but it is hard for me to forget and trust her. We try to fix things... 4 months later the same s**t with someone else.

We still live together but is a living hell. There is no respect for each other privacy and trust has never been worst.

I am a system administrator and is normal that coworkers contact me after work hours. One day my wife answers a help request from a female coworker in a rude way, the next day I felt obligated to apology for that.

The day I found about the second guy, the coworker notices that I was late for job and quite upset, knowing about my problems she approached me and we talked about it. She was nice, told me not to rush a decision and was able to calm me.

After sometime I got attached to her like I have never been to someone except maybe my wife. Despite the fact that she has a boyfriend, she showed some interesting signals. I was unable to fully interpret those signals at the time, even now I have doubts. Afraid of rejection and struggling at home I never took a serious risk with her. I struggled to find excuses to visit her office to the point that she, in a nice way, confronted me about it and then excuses were a thing of the past. Talking very personal stuff, coordinating to order lunch or eating out of the office became normal stuff. She would complain if I got to the office without passing by hers to at least say hi.

She resigned and is leaving for an scholarship in another country, we coordinated to meet for a last lunch but bailed on me at the last minute leaving a petty excuse with the receptionist and telling me a different one when we talked about it.

My doubts right now:

1 - WTF am I going to do with my marriage? I am sure that if my daughter weren't there I would have divorced a long time ago.
My wife shows no signal of improvement with her issues, despite the therapy that we tried.
Despite how hard is for me to bond with other people, should I divorce her in order to keep the doors open for another relation?
Is there any way I can handle forgiveness?

2 - In my current condition is easy to doubt the honesty of the coworker. I feel like crap, rejected, lonely and my head is going to explode.

Was she just a nice person?
Should I have taken a risk with her?
Did I misinterpret those signals?
Was it because I am still married?

PD
I never cheated on my wife and she doesn't know about me being an aspie.

Sounds like an eventual choice of divorce or suicide.
Suicide is forever, marriage and/or divorce isn't. Don't do suicide is my recommendation.

Keep your job, you'll need it for child support.
Keep your sanity, you'll need it for your job.
Save yourself or your soul will die. After that nothing else will ever matter.

This is what I offer, knowing only what you've written.
Based off of talking (too in depth) with hundreds of men who have been there... (and me)
Get an attorney NOW. not next week, NOW. This will never get better, your ship is sinking.
I'd recommend testing the romance waters with the coworker, she'll be a valuable support system at a time when you might otherwise be alone.
The instant you sleep (if) with her get out of your house immediately, without warning, and never entertain the idea of going back. Get a hotel or apartment and go.
Your wife will want you to "come back to her" so that she can dump you. Normal human desire.
You'll need money, pull out a 'nest egg' right now, put it in a sole bank account or keep it separate from any where she can get to. (NOT in your car!)

The battle over your daughter will be vicious (but things are vicious already) don't comply with anything she tries to use your daughter to make you do, she will never hold up her end of the extortion. never never never!
Try to ignore everything she tells your daughter about you, but tell your attorney about it.
Don't give her any money without it going through a third party who could testify in court (attorney especially). Get receipts from the third party. (not from her! they don't count!)

Hell hath no fury...
She will do everything she can to hurt you, damage you. Never have any contact without witnesses or you'll be in jail instantly.

It will all be worth it.
It will all be worth it.
It will all be worth it.
Just to get away from the insanity.

Go while you have some sanity left.



PS. extra points if you now claim "it's not that bad yet," or "find" excuses to procrastinate, because you're scared of the change a comin'. (that's normal too)
Good luck you're going to need it.

Oops missed this part. Yeah she was probably honest with you but went her own way when the relationship seemed to not progress, bailed lamely cuz it was hard to do.

Find another woman right way if you can. Everyone needs emotional support.
Good news for you: "high tide" of women availability is coming and should peak in the next few weeks for several weeks.

Or Call/Contact her somehow, no matter what, and ask her to stay here, with you.

GL

You are having an emotional affair with the former co-worker. She has been fulfilling part of the role your wife is supposed to be fulfilling as your partner. I don't know what your former co-worker's feelings are. The only person who would know is her (or maybe a close friend who she would confide to). My opinion (which doesn't mean much being that I am a total stranger) is that it would be foolish to leave your wife to pursue a possible relationship with this other woman. Putting the situation with the other woman aside, you seem to be struggling with the decision of whether or not to stay in the marriage. Please don't pull your feelings for the other woman into the mix when making the decision about whether or not to leave your wife. Your relationship with your wife is totally separate and needs to be considered by itself. Good luck!

high tide of women?

em_tsuj is right. Even though you're not physically cheating, you're still emotionally cheating on your wife. Honestly, based on your post, I think you should get a divorce because the both of you don't trust each other, don't seem to want to exert any additional effort in resolving the issues in your relationship, and it seems like you've both moved on. You even said that you would've divorced her awhile ago if you didn't have a child. If the only reason that you're staying married is for your child, then break it off now because one day, your daughter will see the misery, resentment, and anger between the both of you, and she'll be worse off.

Thanks everyone for your support and quick response.

1401b nailed by mentioning 2 things I omited:
- I tough about suicide. I always try to focus on things I wanna do to prevent this since I finished high school. I guest I will have to talk with my father about this, he is the only one who knows about me being an aspie but doesn't know about the suicide toughs. He will probably understand more than anyone else since he might be an aspie too.
- Jobs issues, I almost lost my job for budget limitations and other things.

As Beau and em_tsuj said She filled the void my wife couldn't...
The coworker thing probably ended for good and there are many reasons that makes a relationship outside the job difficult. Not sure if trying to keep in touch could be good for me.

Also, the problems with my wife started way before this coworker thing. My wife thinks that every women at work wants something, even a fifty something that used to be her neighbor!! !

This is a tough one. I don't advocate divorce easily when there are kids involved - however: Sexting is still a form of adultery. If she's been sexting, she'll eventually move on to actually doing it if she hasn't already. You're unhappy and eventually it will be transferred to the kid if that hasn't already happened. Having said that, remember that possession is 9/10 of the law. Make daycare arrangements, set up your own bank account, change the locks on your home, get rid of all of her stuff, and dump the slut onto the street.

The same may be said by your wife...that she had affair(s) with others because you weren't able to provide what she wanted at the time. I feel like the bulk of your first post is blaming your wife for all the problems in your relationship, when in reality, you need to reflect and recognize your role in the demise of your marriage. Even if your wife cheated on you first, that doesn't make it okay for you to go and pursue a relationship with your coworker. Bottom line: If neither of you want to put in the effort and time to repair this marriage, then it's over.

Good point.

I disagree... If WE got distanced was not because of anything I did. It was about her insane jealousy and her incapacity to acknowledged how her actions affects others. I used to deeply CARE about her, helped to deal with family conflicts, work problems, money issues, you name it. I was the "always there" guy.

But during the last 3 years I have been living stressed for her obsessive behavior. A few days ago I noticed that she blocked ALL non-relative female contacts on my phone, blocked FB suggestions (relatives wives, gf, women that I don't even talk to.), she has changed my email password twice, once just because HER OWN SISTER was trying to contact me and she wanted to know why, has copied the phones of my female coworkers and their couples to threaten me with calling them, even texted from my phone to trick a coworker and try to get her bf's contact details.

Last week she called me at work and heard a secretary offering me a soda... Hell at home for a whole week!! !

Sometimes she wake me up violently if I make a noise during sleep and ask me WTF are you dreaming about?!?!

10 pages would not be enough for all the crazy s**t and not a single time I was trying to cheat.

I have lost honest friends, probably job opportunities and valuable time dealing with this crap.

Now... tell me how the f**k can anyone live like that?

The only thing I consider myself guilty of is that I should have ended it before reaching this point.

Therapy is the next week and I am sure that we will need double time and a referee.

your wife is very manipulative. She's either evil, or mentally disturbed, or both. Either way, she needs a shrink.

Wow?just?aw, man?ok?.

*deep breath*

I have very strong feelings regarding marriage and I think one of the worst things you can do?ANYONE can do is divorce. That's just a dirty word in our house. I've got three kids of my own, been with the same woman for most of 15 years now, married nearly 9, and, yeah, we've been through some $#!+. What saved us was just me standing my ground at the right times. And I'm not a stand-your-ground person, but certain battles are worth fighting to the end over. I'd rather be right than happy any day.

Anyway?

1. Just don't get a divorce. It sounds to me if she's actually cheated on you you have every right to take her to the cleaners. I firmly believe if you're divorcing over cheating, withhold not your wrath in legal proceedings. Cheating ruins the lives of the innocent. Drag cheaters through the mud and expose them for all the world to see, sez I. If you can prove adultery, you can make it so she'll regret the day you met. If you actually make it to divorce proceedings don't stop until she loses custody of the kids and she's paying YOU child support. Never let a cheater go without justice.

Incidentally, I'm more of a "forgive and forget" kind of guy unless there's some kind of chronic problem. I'd never consider divorcing my wife even if she cheated?it would have to be something really, REALLY bad for me to go there.

But one thing I'll never, EVER do is settle for a NFD. You're not obligated to sign anything (recently had a music license agreement shoved in my face, gratis. Yeah?like a struggling musician is ever going to sign THAT! lol). And in my experience NFDs are just ways for the guilty to get by without making the ugly stuff public. Usually what I've seen is a woman is sick of her cheating husband, has probably been having an affair herself, and just wants out without things getting nasty, as in a contested divorce. She's got him for adultery, so basically she's got him by the balls and he'll have to agree to pretty much whatever she wants since he knows it could be a lot worse. From what I've seen, courts tend to favor women in divorce cases wrt custody, etc. So, #1, I'd never sign a NFD agreement and risk her beating me to the punch. #2, I'd get a PI to follow her around to get documented evidence of adultery. #3, I'd say cut this crap out and reconcile with me before I ruin your life. #4, I'd go ahead and start getting my loss-of-affection civil suit ready against the guy she's cheating with. This 4th point isn't about the money/damages. It's that if she insists on acting like a prostitute, I'll sell her like one. She has to live the rest of her life knowing that her home wrecking love interest bought her like a common piece of property. I mean, for me, we're talking about someone who is priceless, of infinite value, being demoted to something material like a house or a car?or a pack of chewing gum. People don't deserve to have price tags put on them, and this is kinda like the ultimate insult in my opinion.

Point being you need hard evidence that she's cheating before you even whisper the "d" word. I mean, I know you didn't say that she HAD cheated, so I'm just playing worst-case-scenario. Strictly my take-with-grain-of-salt opinion here, but I think you should wait this out and see how far the rabbit hole goes. Try to win her back any way you can, and if she insists on breaking marriage vows through cheating, sue her for everything she has and then some.

#2. Stay away from your coworker. This is just bad news waiting to happen. This could easily lead to something more, and if you're cheating on your wife and she hasn't even been doing more than "sexting," i.e. you have no proof but she's got something on you, say buh-bye to your daughter and most of your worldly possessions. If you end up in a divorce situation, THEN you might have an open door for something with your coworker, but for now you need to keep it strictly just friends.

Oh?I almost overlooked something?

You tend to see this more with jealous husbands or abusive boyfriends, but that whole insane jealousy thing? A lot of times that kind of behavior means someone is guilty of same and because of their possessive tendencies want you all herself. She's cheating, hypothetically speaking, but doesn't want to lose you to someone else. Or there might be some other motive. Jealousy, at any rate, is often a cover for some other kind of behavior. It can be difficult to see through that, but it happens a lot.

There is a saying in Spanish that roughly translates: A thief judges by his condition.. In this case the cheater is expecting to be cheated.

BTW. I really doubt the coworker thing will progress any further.

Again, you're pretty much blaming your wife for everything that's gone wrong in this relationship. So...what is your end goal? Do you want to continue this marriage? In regards to counseling, is your wife willing to address and work on her insecurities with the therapist? Are you willing to be a supportive husband and help her get through these issues? This is going to be a long process, so are you willing to invest the months and years that it may take to create a healthy marriage?

BTW, I'm not justifying your wife's actions. I'm just a 3rd party reading a one-sided post and trying to be objective.