Do the majority of guys with A.S. never get a girlfriend?

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AlexanderDantes
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14 Sep 2014, 4:48 pm

sly279 wrote:
AlexanderDantes wrote:
Well you are saying you are not a handsome guy, Sly, how do you know you're not a handsome guy? Did someone tell you that you were not? See this negative self image portrays in your inner confidence and the image you project to the world...


cause and effect. while you might assume the wrong. cause:me thinking i'm urgly, effect put off to women.

the reality is cause: 98% of women I've met have told me i'm ugly/unattractive. effect: I accept the reality that i'm ugly and feel bad.

now have I ever thought I was handsome or good looking no. I use to think I was neither at some point. but 10+ years of being told you're ugly gets to one.

the question how does one change the ideal without experiencing positive experiences.

lets examine the the 2%. most are family/friends. they are in most cases required by family social values to say one is good looking even if they are not. to make them feel better. realty is that family wouldn't tell if a person is attractive as that would be incest which most don't do. so it not like they saying it is likely true. and if so impossible to know cause if they were lying to make you feel better the last thing they would do is tell you so.

the rest , a woman I knew online and never met could have all been a lie including her identity.
a woman I met on okc, who later confessed to compulsive lying.
so neither are trust worthy then add the 98% that say the other. so I have yet had a completely trustworthy woman say I am good looking and mean it and stick around. I somewhat acknowledge the possibility that some woman out there might legit find me attractive, but the matter is how to find her if ever I will.

mean while I accept that I simply do not meet the ideal facial attractive traits to be considered handsome by the majority of society.


Maybe because you projected that image on to yourself, it projected on others and subconsciously they views you as negative. Do you see every woman dating male models with perfect faces because I don't? There are many types of guys who have partners and the key is self belief. Looks can help you when you are disadvantaged socially but they aren't everything,you need to realize that and work on attributes that bring out the better character in you...

You need to find better quality women as well, where are you meeting these liars?



sly279
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14 Sep 2014, 10:01 pm

Jjancee wrote:
sly279 wrote:
AlexanderDantes wrote:
Well you are saying you are not a handsome guy, Sly, how do you know you're not a handsome guy? Did someone tell you that you were not? See this negative self image portrays in your inner confidence and the image you project to the world...


cause and effect. while you might assume the wrong. cause:me thinking i'm urgly, effect put off to women.

the reality is cause: 98% of women I've met have told me i'm ugly/unattractive. effect: I accept the reality that i'm ugly and feel bad.

now have I ever thought I was handsome or good looking no. I use to think I was neither at some point. but 10+ years of being told you're ugly gets to one.

the question how does one change the ideal without experiencing positive experiences.

lets examine the the 2%. most are family/friends. they are in most cases required by family social values to say one is good looking even if they are not. to make them feel better. realty is that family wouldn't tell if a person is attractive as that would be incest which most don't do. so it not like they saying it is likely true. and if so impossible to know cause if they were lying to make you feel better the last thing they would do is tell you so.

the rest , a woman I knew online and never met could have all been a lie including her identity.
a woman I met on okc, who later confessed to compulsive lying.
so neither are trust worthy then add the 98% that say the other. so I have yet had a completely trustworthy woman say I am good looking and mean it and stick around. I somewhat acknowledge the possibility that some woman out there might legit find me attractive, but the matter is how to find her if ever I will.

mean while I accept that I simply do not meet the ideal facial attractive traits to be considered handsome by the majority of society.


There's a HUGE difference between:
1) not being movie-star/conventionally handsome
2) being so very ugly that folks cross the street to avoid looking at your face
3) falling someplace in between those two "poles" of attractiveness and making the best of what you've got.

A good 90% of the population falls under #3.

If you do to believe me, a fun little exercise is to get a copy of your local paper - specifically, the weddings/engagement announcements page. Do all those folks look like movie stars? Are they all billionaires who attract pretty women with their $$, which is enough to offset the fact that he looks like the elephant man? Or are there a lot of people who look like, well, the folks in your town/city??


there's also stuff between 3 and 2. where you aren't ugly enough to avoid on the street but ugly enough to not be considered for a relationship.
also theres been movie stars who are considered creepy. I also don't go for models etc.

I'm #4 too ugly for dating but not ulgy enough to be seen as creepy. I can work at stores be friends, help people. but when it comes to do I want to sleep with him. I get a no. I'm not hideous which would be the avoid on the street type.



sly279
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14 Sep 2014, 10:10 pm

AlexanderDantes wrote:
sly279 wrote:
AlexanderDantes wrote:
Well you are saying you are not a handsome guy, Sly, how do you know you're not a handsome guy? Did someone tell you that you were not? See this negative self image portrays in your inner confidence and the image you project to the world...


cause and effect. while you might assume the wrong. cause:me thinking i'm urgly, effect put off to women.

the reality is cause: 98% of women I've met have told me i'm ugly/unattractive. effect: I accept the reality that i'm ugly and feel bad.

now have I ever thought I was handsome or good looking no. I use to think I was neither at some point. but 10+ years of being told you're ugly gets to one.

the question how does one change the ideal without experiencing positive experiences.

lets examine the the 2%. most are family/friends. they are in most cases required by family social values to say one is good looking even if they are not. to make them feel better. realty is that family wouldn't tell if a person is attractive as that would be incest which most don't do. so it not like they saying it is likely true. and if so impossible to know cause if they were lying to make you feel better the last thing they would do is tell you so.

the rest , a woman I knew online and never met could have all been a lie including her identity.
a woman I met on okc, who later confessed to compulsive lying.
so neither are trust worthy then add the 98% that say the other. so I have yet had a completely trustworthy woman say I am good looking and mean it and stick around. I somewhat acknowledge the possibility that some woman out there might legit find me attractive, but the matter is how to find her if ever I will.

mean while I accept that I simply do not meet the ideal facial attractive traits to be considered handsome by the majority of society.


Maybe because you projected that image on to yourself, it projected on others and subconsciously they views you as negative. Do you see every woman dating male models with perfect faces because I don't? There are many types of guys who have partners and the key is self belief. Looks can help you when you are disadvantaged socially but they aren't everything,you need to realize that and work on attributes that bring out the better character in you...

You need to find better quality women as well, where are you meeting these liars?


yep everything is my fault, no way it could be others :roll: when in doubt blame the guy with the problem. funny how this is seen as bad with just about anything else. but if a woman says a guy is ugly it must be his fault even if he thought he was really good looking.

how would a person non verbally communicate that they think they are ugly ?

I don't look at celebs or models . however I've couple I've seen the woman is super good looking (note that I find most women beautiful.)

I have good character which is useless when all the woman goes off is your picture of your face. she isn't spending an hour with you, seeing your character or personality. she looks at your picture, and decides pass or date. people who actaully take the time to see me tend to enjoy my company.

met one on a game, I don't know if she was lying or not or if she is a she or not. very secretive.
the other I met on okc.

my only real hope right now is this lady my sister knows, but shes avagerage body(I think thin) and gorgeous. so out of my league like all the women i see online. she's also hard to get a hold of, in the 2 months my since my sister mentioned her, she got another bf and they broke up. shes my type though, nice, caring, nerdy, playful personality.



AlexanderDantes
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14 Sep 2014, 10:33 pm

sly279 wrote:
AlexanderDantes wrote:
sly279 wrote:
AlexanderDantes wrote:
Well you are saying you are not a handsome guy, Sly, how do you know you're not a handsome guy? Did someone tell you that you were not? See this negative self image portrays in your inner confidence and the image you project to the world...


cause and effect. while you might assume the wrong. cause:me thinking i'm urgly, effect put off to women.

the reality is cause: 98% of women I've met have told me i'm ugly/unattractive. effect: I accept the reality that i'm ugly and feel bad.

now have I ever thought I was handsome or good looking no. I use to think I was neither at some point. but 10+ years of being told you're ugly gets to one.

the question how does one change the ideal without experiencing positive experiences.

lets examine the the 2%. most are family/friends. they are in most cases required by family social values to say one is good looking even if they are not. to make them feel better. realty is that family wouldn't tell if a person is attractive as that would be incest which most don't do. so it not like they saying it is likely true. and if so impossible to know cause if they were lying to make you feel better the last thing they would do is tell you so.

the rest , a woman I knew online and never met could have all been a lie including her identity.
a woman I met on okc, who later confessed to compulsive lying.
so neither are trust worthy then add the 98% that say the other. so I have yet had a completely trustworthy woman say I am good looking and mean it and stick around. I somewhat acknowledge the possibility that some woman out there might legit find me attractive, but the matter is how to find her if ever I will.

mean while I accept that I simply do not meet the ideal facial attractive traits to be considered handsome by the majority of society.


Maybe because you projected that image on to yourself, it projected on others and subconsciously they views you as negative. Do you see every woman dating male models with perfect faces because I don't? There are many types of guys who have partners and the key is self belief. Looks can help you when you are disadvantaged socially but they aren't everything,you need to realize that and work on attributes that bring out the better character in you...

You need to find better quality women as well, where are you meeting these liars?


yep everything is my fault, no way it could be others :roll: when in doubt blame the guy with the problem. funny how this is seen as bad with just about anything else. but if a woman says a guy is ugly it must be his fault even if he thought he was really good looking.

how would a person non verbally communicate that they think they are ugly ?

I don't look at celebs or models . however I've couple I've seen the woman is super good looking (note that I find most women beautiful.)

I have good character which is useless when all the woman goes off is your picture of your face. she isn't spending an hour with you, seeing your character or personality. she looks at your picture, and decides pass or date. people who actaully take the time to see me tend to enjoy my company.

met one on a game, I don't know if she was lying or not or if she is a she or not. very secretive.
the other I met on okc.

my only real hope right now is this lady my sister knows, but shes avagerage body(I think thin) and gorgeous. so out of my league like all the women i see online. she's also hard to get a hold of, in the 2 months my since my sister mentioned her, she got another bf and they broke up. shes my type though, nice, caring, nerdy, playful personality.


I'm sure that you are not an ugly person, maybe you just need to keep working on losing weight and find a stylist, someone that can find clothing and hairstyles that put you in the best light. Go to a photographer and pay them to teach you the right posture so you can capture the photo and project a better feeling in your photos.

Maybe you could project a more positive image on your photos? Perhaps images of doing something you enjoy and show the qualities you want to attract in a partner. You want to convey that you are an interesting and positive person to be around. Maybe you should skip online dating and join some local classes or clubs? Online dating is more about presentation, I had many dates from it but that was partly down to the right images and humour that I portrayed.

Have you ever looked up examples of profiles? Start looking them up, attempt different photo and profile combinations and see what different types of women respond to each one.



sly279
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14 Sep 2014, 11:51 pm

AlexanderDantes wrote:
I'm sure that you are not an ugly person, maybe you just need to keep working on losing weight and find a stylist, someone that can find clothing and hairstyles that put you in the best light. Go to a photographer and pay them to teach you the right posture so you can capture the photo and project a better feeling in your photos.

Maybe you could project a more positive image on your photos? Perhaps images of doing something you enjoy and show the qualities you want to attract in a partner. You want to convey that you are an interesting and positive person to be around. Maybe you should skip online dating and join some local classes or clubs? Online dating is more about presentation, I had many dates from it but that was partly down to the right images and humour that I portrayed.

Have you ever looked up examples of profiles? Start looking them up, attempt different photo and profile combinations and see what different types of women respond to each one.


its mainly my face. I am working on the scars but its a ongoing process for years, this time I will continue treating them even after they go away, doctor says they could be from stress.

wouldn't faking photos be lying? once they met me they realize i don't dress or walk/pose that way. also can't afford photographer. closest I can get is my sister with her iphone.

I don't do much lately too poor to. when I did and do do stuff we enjoy the activity so much we don't take pictures. i have stuff from camping but its all like the 5 mins before we packed up and left lol. been shooting bunch of times but we all shoot at the same time. I do have 3 airsoft photos but those are now 2-3 years old. the hike might have been a good time to take a picture but we did it when it was getting dark. and it killed me so probably been bad picture anyways lol

some mostly seem to be guys shirtless showing their six pack chest. even if I had a six pack I wouldn't take shirtless pictures.

my area doesn't have activity clubs or many classes. I been watching meetup.com but theres not many groups any groups I could join. we also don't have much entertainment things besides movie theaters, and clubs/bars. and most those are in the city next to mine and most are left leaning hippy type places, well the city is pretty much that so what can you expect. mine only has a movie theater and bowling place. most people go out to the woods here. it's kinda lame, we have the same amount of entertainment as a much much smaller town i've visited. we probably have 4 times the population of them. I am also on the far edge of city so theres even less. we have two expensive grocery stores, a local Walmart store(bimart) we might get a gym aparently. oh and theres a sports bar next to our subway. lol. honeslty most people go to the woods to swim, camp, shoot, hike, etc. either that or they go drink or go farther in town to see a movie. oh and theres 3 strip clubs.

I'm not a bar/club person, movies alone suck and not the ideal place to meet women in a dark room where you get yelled at for speaking lol as for the woods theres so much you almost never see other people.

as much as i'd hate living in Portland. they have way mor things, clubs, activities, aspie meet ups, dating groups, socials, speed dating, way more women etc. museums, just tons of fun stuff.



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15 Sep 2014, 2:02 am

Jjancee wrote:
There's a HUGE difference between:
1) not being movie-star/conventionally handsome
2) being so very ugly that folks cross the street to avoid looking at your face
3) falling someplace in between those two "poles" of attractiveness and making the best of what you've got.

A good 90% of the population falls under #3.

If you do to believe me, a fun little exercise is to get a copy of your local paper - specifically, the weddings/engagement announcements page. Do all those folks look like movie stars? Are they all billionaires who attract pretty women with their $$, which is enough to offset the fact that he looks like the elephant man? Or are there a lot of people who look like, well, the folks in your town/city??

And what do you do if you're #2 and have aspergers? You either become a billionaire or die alone?



italstallianion
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16 Sep 2014, 10:58 pm

Believe me sly I'm in the same boat. I get it. A female friend of mine did say I was cute today but it's obvious that it's a pity trip. She's trying to cheer me up because a girl I like rejected me recently and I've been cutting myself over it. I'm great at being friends, but anything past that and the game of life switches to Expert Mode. I feel like my tombstone is going to have "Just a Friend" under it.


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19 Sep 2014, 2:03 pm

ImageWhy most Aspies cannot get a date!


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19 Sep 2014, 2:09 pm

Had one for a week this year. Still waiting on my second one.....


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19 Sep 2014, 7:07 pm

Sly you wont believe the difference that clothing and grooming can make. Seriously. I was just watching catch me if you can (I get most of my social survival skills from literature and film XD) and Frank Abagnale (sp?) mentions that the [Yankees always win because everyone is focused on the pinstripes. If indeed you are ugly as you say behaving like a person considered handsome will deflect away from your perceived flaws. The pinstripes in this case are the accoutrements which make up your image. Remember so much of what people see is gut instinct and conditioning. If you can in every respect but one portray a confident strong self assured image people will confer those traits on you and your flaws will take second place.


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22 Sep 2014, 5:29 am

italstallianion wrote:
Believe me sly I'm in the same boat. I get it. A female friend of mine did say I was cute today but it's obvious that it's a pity trip. She's trying to cheer me up because a girl I like rejected me recently and I've been cutting myself over it. I'm great at being friends, but anything past that and the game of life switches to Expert Mode. I feel like my tombstone is going to have "Just a Friend" under it.


ya I hate it when women have to be nice like that, when they are just saying that to be nice and friendly



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29 Sep 2014, 11:00 pm

To tarantella 64. Bull....!.If a women is in a relationship with a man, married or not, living with him or not, spending a significant amount of time with him don't you think she will see the unmistakable traits of Aspergers.
Diagnosed or not. You no the List.Bu there are Aspies who get offended. Yeah I'm ne who complained on here. People diagnosed with Aspergers know afterwards or before what their weaknesses are. We NT's are not putting them down, but when you can work a little harder to make the relationship work why not. YOU don't have to answer that. We get that you are quite INTELLIGENT, LOGIC, and all that AND yes LAZY at times, doesn't mean you can call us a c**t either just because we reminded you for the 100th time to take out the trash.
Cut the s**t! Ok.



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01 Oct 2014, 12:09 pm

I don't know if this has been addressed in the thread, but what about us Aspie women who are always single? Is that common too? I have tried the "go out more" method, and I have volunteered at places in town before, but no luck. I am almost 34 and have basically been single my entire adult life. I have done the casual stuff many times, but frankly I am tired of this. I have finally begun to make this point clear when men try to put me in the "Casual Zone."
I think I am attractive, intelligent, etc etc, but I still don't get approached often, I (obviously) have trouble reading the cues, and even if I get the first date, people lose interest eventually.
Perhaps acceptance is key. Rather than feel sorry for myself, I am learning to enjoy he facets of staying single. Not always easy, but it is what it is.



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05 Oct 2014, 2:12 am

For me it's not so much about dating, I'm able to get a date and not being single, it's very hard to achieve but I do get there, the only problem is to keep the girlfriend, and that is the most difficult, it usually never last more than 1 month to 6 weeks max. Even when they don't know I have Asperger's syndrome they do sense I'm way to different compared to others and usually end up breaking up. I've just learned to live with it. Last relation lasted 1 week. So sometimes I rely on other methods...


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05 Oct 2014, 2:44 am

alternaace wrote:
I don't know if this has been addressed in the thread, but what about us Aspie women who are always single? Is that common too? I have tried the "go out more" method, and I have volunteered at places in town before, but no luck. I am almost 34 and have basically been single my entire adult life. I have done the casual stuff many times, but frankly I am tired of this. I have finally begun to make this point clear when men try to put me in the "Casual Zone."
I think I am attractive, intelligent, etc etc, but I still don't get approached often, I (obviously) have trouble reading the cues, and even if I get the first date, people lose interest eventually.
Perhaps acceptance is key. Rather than feel sorry for myself, I am learning to enjoy he facets of staying single. Not always easy, but it is what it is.


Way to go. What makes your dates lose interest after the first date do you think? I don't generally have this problem. Are you fishing in the wrong pool?



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05 Oct 2014, 3:12 am

To answer the main question: No.