Lets face it nobody wants to date an aspie

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I would say I am slighly above average good looking and I've never been asked out on a date IRL. I've also never had a relationship. I don't get approached by guys.

I get disheartened when I hear people saying anybody should be able to find a boyfriend or girlfriend after a couple of years of looking. Not me.

Again, it's not about the disparity in numbers between men and women suffering from AS. Every group, no matter how large or how small, has a norm. And the norm is for AS women to be able to find companions and for AS not to.

There's a difference between not being able to find the type of men you're looking for and not being able to find men at all. For most AS women, the problem seems to be the former. And look, it is a real problem, I'm not saying it isn't. Being AS, I imagine it's difficult for women like you to differentiate between the men who are actually interested in a relationship and those who are just looking sex.

But the overwhelming majority of AS men simply can't find a partner, period. Myself included. Surely that's worse, no? I've never had a girlfriend and I've only had sex once, and I had to pay for it. I'm not ashamed to admit it and I make no excuses. If I hadn't done it, I'd still be a virgin at 22. The same can be said for most AS men.

If I sound unsympathetic to the problems AS women face in the dating world, I'm not. However, I will say that I would much rather deal with your problems than I would mine. To quote the Gnome Elder from American McGee's Alice; "even blurred vision is valued by the blind".

It's also not that AS manifests itself differently in men and women, I never said that. It's just that society in general, and especially the dating world, are much, much lenient and less demanding towards women than they are towards men, so being a social invalid impacts men's lives more.

And to answer your question, I'm not insecure, I'm just aware of my situation and how bleak it is. I'm an Aspie, I'm not particularly good-looking, not particularly smart (at least not in the way it matters) and I'm not rich. I tried going out there, tried to play my part as the male, a few times, but I was ill-suited for it and never succeeded. I don't blame the women who rejected me. I would've done the same in their place, it seemed as though literally every man we came across was more desirable and a better choice for a mate than I was.



I don't know where you live, but where I come from there are very few "male-dominated fields" left. The overwhelming majority of college-graduates coming out nowadays are women and they're taking over the job market, or at least the white-collar job market. That and there really are no disadvantages in the workplace to being a woman anymore, at least not in the Western world.



I honestly have a hard time believing that, but on the off-chance it is true, I have a solution: take the initiative yourself. I know the norm is for men to be active and for women to be passive, but your gender doesn't really need to obey the rules of the dating world, to you it's more guidelines than anything else. I can guarantee you'll find someone then.

It's not that women with AS have it any easier at all, it's just that western society expects more from men in general. This is fine for NT men but for men with AS it is exactly what makes it extremely hard to reach these expectations:

- Men are supposed to initiate, people with AS have difficulties to initiate.
- Both men and women with AS usually have severe difficulties with disappointment and rejection.
- Men are expected to be confident, people with AS are usually not confident.
- It is expected from men to have a steady job, this can be more difficult for people with AS.
- Men with AS that are shy are seen as weak and unworthy, women with AS that are shy can be seen as elusive and attractive.

But lets not forget that for every women with AS there are around eight men with AS. It's consequential that the men are going to be more vocal with their issues and inner frustrations on here and I'm sorry if they overstep their boundaries. Many people here keep hammering some kind of AS men vs AS women environment but this is just stupid to me, we are all in the same boat and we are all kind of society's rejects. It'd be better for all of us to support each other rather than venting our frustration on fellow men and women with AS. Especially since most of those frustrations come from NT people mistreating us and society's inability accept and appreciate our values and differences.

Personally I would say initiation is definitely my biggest issue, not because I am too scared to do it but mostly because I easily slip into depression after rejection so I can't really afford to do it. I tend do invest too much into people and become too attached to women I like which is extremely disappointing if the feelings end up being not mutual. Not to mention I have to constantly compete with people without AS who have a huge advantage over me. They will just push me aside and completely dominate me in social interaction. NT guys can become so pushy and market themselves in front of women to the point where women do not really see me as an option any more. I think women with AS have much the same problem with pushy NTs from their own gender. It feels like a constant uphill battle.

The situation reminds me of Sisyphus in some ways.

You can constantly work hard and think you are finally reaching your goal, but then a single rejection and you have to start over carrying the boulder up the hill again. The more it happens the more pointless it feels and the more desperate and frustrated you get. Then once you become more frustrated and disappointed it gets harder and harder to roll the boulder up the hill to the point where you just want to give up.

Well said. This is certainly how I feel and why it is typically years between tries for me.

A question:

Why does anyone give a crap about what society "expects?" I'm a 5"10 tall, ugly, unfeminine woman and I'm perfectly aware that I'm sub-standard according to society's standards; however, I regard the opinions of the majority of humanity to be worth less than rat turds.

BTW, I'm not trying to debate anyone, but, as an asexual/aromantic, I'm genuinely curious as to how sexuals experience life.

Personally, I can't comprehend living life bothering myself over what a couple million naked apes "expect" of me. And I'm not being sexist, but I've read that males are more sensitive to issues of social status (especially when they don't have any) than females. Any truth to that?

Sure I can 'find' someone that way, but so can an aspie man of he is confident and takes the initiative. That wasn't my point. I look moderate good, but I've never had a relationship and have never been approached.
This also goes for a female friend of mine. 24 and never had a boyfriend, yet could easily be a model.

I understand what you're saying, but the problem is we're not really "all on the same boat", now are we? A quick examination of this forum and others like it should be enough to show that. As you yourself have said, AS affects a person's social skills. And society demands more of men than it does of women, so obviously, handicapped social skills are gonna affect a man's life much more than they would a woman's.

I don't want to belittle the struggles of AS women, which are very much real, as I've said before. But the truth is, compared to us men, they have it easy. I'm sorry, but there's just no way around this.

Also, did you ever wonder why the number of men and women suffering from AS is so disproportionate? This is just a theory I have, so take it with a grain of salt, but I think there are a lot more women out there who have the symptoms and could be considered Aspergers than we think. The thing is, the condition just doesn't affect their lives or handicap them the same way it does most men. They're just seen as "odd" or "quirky" but are still able to lead normal lives. It just doesn't have any noticeable impact on their quality of life, so they can pass off as neurotypicals.




No. no, they cannot.

This is exhibit B that men and women suffering from Aspergers are not, in fact, "all on the same boat" by the way.

Last edited by Falkner92 on 14 Sep 2014, 10:07 am, edited 2 times in total.

I live in the Southeast US; in the rural strip referred to as "the Bible belt". I've gotten plenty of s**t from others when it comes to traditional family roles. "You should have done education! You could homeschool your children!" or "You can't be a doctor, what about your family?! But a NURSE, on the other hand..."

Also, lovely things like "Why do you want to go to graduate school? Find a man and settle down!" and things of that variety. It's not exactly roses either way.

By the way, I've taken your advice that you're giving to Cafeaulait before with a few NT guys. It's never panned out for me, and I've done that four times.

I hope you don't feel I'm perpetuating this wrestling match, qFox. I'm simply trying to bring up the point that AS women do not necessarily have life made either and for a lot of women, they are in the same situation as the men here. I'm not trying to say one sucks over the other, but both are around the same level of frustrating. That's really all I'm getting at. Sometimes lurking on L&D, it seems like a lot of AS men are convinced that I have it made because I happen to own a vagina. It's just not that simple.

Yes, yes they can.

No, they can't. Some might, if they have something else to offer the women that makes up for their Aspergers, but most don't, so they can't.

I understand that this is something difficult to a woman to understand, because it takes A LOT for a woman to be considered completely worthless in the sexual marketplace and not be able to find anyone. But for men? Hell, the majority of us ARE worthless in the sexual marketplace, both Aspies and NTs, for a myriad of reasons.

Well, I don't have much experience in the job market. In fact I have none. I'm a Law student in college. I know I'll never be able to practice. Hell, I'm not sure I'll even be able to finish the course. I know I'll end up at at a low-level white-collar job somewhere, probably answering phones, but I want to delay that as long as possible. But anyway, I'm rambling.

Yeah, all those things you've listed sound really annoying and inconvenient, and I'm not being sarcastic here. It sucks that you have to put with it, but again, compared to the type of problems AS men have to deal with at the workplace, it's child's play.



Then you're either hideously deformed (which seems unlikely, given you've had two previous relationships) or you're lying. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is, no ifs, ands, or buts. Which one is it?



You kinda do though. Again, no offense, just telling it like I see it.

I assure you, I have all ten fingers and toes and I'm not deformed. The guy wasn't interested. That's all there is to it. What, do you need a picture?

Dude, you're going to be able to practice as a lawyer for Christ's sake. I highly doubt you're going to be on the unemployment line. For you, answering phones could be a pretty well-paying job as a consultant. It's not bad work. Tax law is pretty decent pay and it doesn't require as much social involvement.

You all can talk about the "sexual marketplace" until next Sunday, but it doesn't really work that way. You only need one person to be with. The "sexual marketplace" sounds more like prostitution than anything, truth be told- and if all you're looking for is action, that's a part of your problem. Women in general want to be with a man that supports them, not a guy who's just around while the getting's good and leaves when it's not.

This whole pseudo-economist way of looking at relationships is BS, really. If you want to be with a woman, you've got to get out there. It's the same thing with being a woman, too- if you like a guy, you've got to meet him in the middle.

By the way, my first ex with AS? He's with another girl now and they seem pretty happy. It's not impossible unless you make it that way- which you do if all you're doing is griping about how hard it is to be you. My second ex had a relationship before me, and he was the most withdrawn person I've met (I'm like 95% he also has AS too).

So, no, you're not doomed to a life of indulging yourself at Adam & Eve's forever alone.

[MODERATOR]

"Wrong Planet" is a SUPPORT SITE for people across the autistic spectrum. Dismissing other people's issues and pooh-poohing their problems on the basis of sex is NOT in keeping with WP's stated mission; therefore, THREAD LOCKED.

Additionally, for future reference, the "Who has it harder?" debate has been done to death, and it never ends well. Further incarnations will be dealt with in a similar fashion, and stricter warnings will be issued.