NT seeking advice on Aspie BF

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My boyfriend is a 25 year old Aspie and is over all a wonderful person. He is the kind of man I have always wanted and holds many qualities I have sought out in a partner. He is everything I have ever wanted and have really enjoyed our relationship (a little over five months) up to this point. When we first started dating I never would have guessed he was not NT until our first fight when things got really out of hand quickly. I have a BA in psychology with a social work minor and work in a field where I deal with communicating with people on all different levels with a wide range of issues and take pride in knowing I'm a pretty good communicator. It's my job and I do it well as I have in previous relationships. But, things with Seth were very difficult and it wasn't until meeting his mom and her sharing with me what he chose not to that I understood why we had such a big miscommunication problem.

Basically, it boils down to this. We often go throughout the day in normal conversation and for whatever reason I will say something (in a very normal tone of voice with no hidden intentions) and he will hear it in a completely different way. Things like "will you turn down the radio" turn into a huge ordeal where he thinks I have majorly disrespected him or don't like his choice of music or said it with an attitude when I know I didn't. I simply asked for the radio to be turned down so I could hear the driving directions being given to me by his friend in the back seat. 99% of our fights stem from something like this where a look or tone is mistaken and it turns into a big ugly ordeal. I feel like I'm constantly apologizing for something I didn't do to try and calm him down and I NEVER see most of the confrontations coming. He also refuses to acknowledge the fact he is the way he is and does interpret things differently and somehow always turns the issue back around on me. It's exhausting. I love him so much and have been really patient through these situations (even his mom agrees) but our relationship has gotten really strained by it and he keeps wanting to break up over the fact he thinks I'm disrespectful to him and he really is NT when he's not. I don't know what to do anymore or who to go to. I love him dearly and want this to work more than anything but don't know how to handle these issues or defuse them.

PLEASE HELP

Aspies can be very literal in their interpretation of language. The best thing to do is to very direct with him. For example, with regards to the radio, you could try saying "the music is a bit loud, can you please make it softer", or "I'm trying to hear what your friends saying, can you please turn the volume down" or "i'm trying to concentrate on the road, please turn the volume down" or for whatever reason you want the music to be turned down. Maybe you can talk to him about asking you a clarification question if he misunderstands what you're saying.

Does he actually have a diagnosis of Asperger's or is this a guess on your part?

Jono, that is awesome advice. Thank you! Marcia, he hasn't been diagnosed officially (because he refuses to accept it and wont get diagnosed or see anyone) but his biological father has been diagnosed and Seth fits the behaviors and characteristics to a T.

Some males are just like that (perhaps females too but I never met any woman like that in my life). They lack understanding and are very sensitive about their own self worth - they worry that other people will not respect them so they think other people say/do something disrespectful when they don't.
My father is like that too although he is NT (supposed BPD though. And he definitely got some autistic genes since there is a few Aspies in his family, including me and his low functioning sister).

I ask him if he seen my pen and he gets angry because he thinks I am supposing he stole my pen. I tell him honestly that I my friend is just my friend and he thinks I am lying and the friend is actually my boyfriend which I don't want to introduce because I am ashamed of having a father like that. What a pain...

Anyway.
Its matter of his self esteem. The best you can do is making sure he knows you respect him and he is important to you. My NT mom is dealing with dad just fine although he is paranoid also with her (he supposes she has a romance and he wants her to prove she belongs to him).

You need to figure out what is most important to your BF and make sure he has it.

For my dad it is food, money, clean house and us staying in the house as long as possible so my mom is doing those stuffs:
- buying his favorite food
- giving him food to the table
- cleaning when he can see it (she even vacuums when he watches TV, but he is not angry because he can actually SEE she is cleaning so he is happy because she takes cares about his needs)
- before getting out for longer making sure he is out and not coming back anytime soon
- hiding expensive stuffs, pretending they were in the house for a long time when he finds out
- using white lies often, so he won't get angry about stuffs

I have problems with it. I never figure out he is hungry and I cant understand why he won't take food by himself - its in the kitchen, I am bad at cleaning, I can't understand why he is so possessive about us and I am inherently honest and I just won't think I might lie when I can tell truth, I also never realize the truth might hurt him before it does. So I fail all the way. xD

Last edited by Kiriae on 14 Sep 2014, 5:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.

My advice to you is to think very carefully about whether you wish to continue this relationship. I know that sounds very pessimistic, but if he refuses to accept that his behaviour is out of the ordinary or that he may have Asperger's then it will always be you who has to accommodate him, and you will always be treading on eggshells.

My son is diagnosed with Asperger's and I strongly suspect that his father, my now ex-husband is also autistic. Our marriage was very, very difficult and I experienced the same problems that you describe. I was always the one with the problem though, as he never accepted that his behaviour was out of line. It got to the stage that even when I was really unhappy about something I wouldn't comment, because even neutral comments were taken as an attack. One day he was leaving to go to watch football, and I said, "Have a good time". He came back into the house and yelled at me because he thought I was being sarcastic, that I resented him going to the football, etc. That was not the case at all, far from it. Latterly, he would attack me verbally because of the expression on my face.

Living with someone who reacts unpredictably and aggressively towards you is not healthy, mentally or physically. The chronic stress of it made me physically ill.

I understand that you love him and that in many other ways he will be a lovely person, but this is a major issue and if he cannot come to understand his own behaviour and how it affects those around him, then I'm afraid it's not going to work out well.

Would he be willing to attend counselling sessions where a neutral third party can talk through with you some of the difficulties you've been having?

His own mother said some very similar things Marcia. That basically his behavior isn't going to change all that much and that when I enter into this relationship that I'm choosing to have to take on those problems with it. It just sucks because I know some of it he doesn't have control over and after fights he comes to me crying and upset trying to apologize and saying he thinks he's crazy and doesn't understand himself. I think since the beginning of the relationship and the fact that I've been bringing up his father's diagnosis and what that could mean for him that he's been a little more understanding of the idea that he could be the same way, but not enough to change his behavior. Often in fights he will say things like "Oh, that's right, I have Asperger's right? That's why this is all my fault. I'm just a big f*** up" very sarcastically. But I feel like he's brought it up because he's thought about it at least a little bit and is starting to consider it as a factor in the situation. I'm not sure if he would be open to counseling. He's very much a perfectionist and has a mentality that this relationship is "ruined" and he should start over fresh with someone new (who will eventually just go through the same thing I have and other previous girlfriends). So I believe that his reaction to therapy would be similar, that it would be easier to start over than work on the problem and avoid the situation.

You could try explaining why you need whatever it is and see if that helps. Literal thinking can make "the radio is too loud" a complaint. If he will accept "I'm sensitive to noise, do you mind if I turn it down" that might work. And I don't think he needs necessarily to accept he's different, what I think has to happen, though, is for him to be able to accept who you are and what you need and if he cannot do that, love won't be enough.

And I agree with Marcia. As you're unhappy asking him to meet with a counselor to work on communicating could help, if he is willing.

I don' think another guy has posted in this thread yet. One thought:

You may be in a field where psychology is relevant, but have you thought about looking into ideas from the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."? I don't want to see people get too mixed up on what aspergers is and what it isn't. For a man to demonstrate a lack of empathy (for example), one might need to understand that him communicating with you like he would another man would be just him being a man and the aspie part comes from brutal honesty. So far I see no evidence that there is any misgivings on the subject.

Anyway, to the issue at hand as well:

Many Aspie men display self-defeating patterns of thoughts and behaviours. So far, he has demonstrated that he wants to avoid issues, take things personally and get sarcastic with you, hurt you in response to what he takes personally, be told what he wants to hear and fight over the same things again and again. That seems pretty self-defeating to me.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is BS. And it's especially BS in this context. Taking a request to turn the radio down as a personal attack is definitely NOT a male trait.

OP, I echo the words of another poster...you need to think carefully if you want to continue this relationship. If you already feel like you're walking on eggshells now at this early stage of the relationship, believe me things are only going to get worse. It is NOT your responsibility to the be the only patient one, the only empathetic one, the only peacemaker in the relationship.

You may care for him, but you are only dating him and you are not responsible for his life outcome. You are however responsible for your own life happiness.

Sounds exactly what I am experiencing with my husband and Mollyk could have been in my head/life and written it for me.

Sounds good advice on speaking literally though will take so much more thought to think like that. in just about everything I say as it seems no matter what I'm always in the wrong, even if I give evidence to help, he will not budge. I'm wrong and disrespectful and that's all there is to the matter and I end up in tears or getting cross myself for knowing I had not done wrong and trying to get him to see that. I'm at the point of giving up, letting him have his rant and not bothering to give any explanation as its never accepted.

Wonderful. So just ignore my advice about direct, why don't you?

I've actually read Men are From Mars and found it helpful in quite a few ways, but not so much in this case. I think majority of these confrontations are related to mindblindness and the fact he really just doesn't get some tones in voice and body language. That is out of my control, I realize. BUT what is in his control is how he handles it and if he chooses to acknowledge that it's happening or chooses to put the blame everywhere but on himself. A lot of your responses have helped me see that. Our fights are related to gaps in communication that are mostly due to the way his mind works, but if he chooses to never accept that his mind works differently and own it then I think this relationship isn't going to work and it's a lesson he will have to hopefully learn down the road. I can't make him believe he has Asperger's and it effects our relationship the same way his mom hasn't been able to make him believe it either. It's something he's gonna have to accept on his own time and I believe the relationship, like you all said, wont work until he does because it plays a bigger role than he's realizing. I know I tried. I did the research, I read books, I sought out talking to people on forms about it, I sat through all of his bursts of anger and welcomed him back when he was sorry later. I know I've done all I can do up until this point. If the relationship is going to continue he's gonna have to make the effort and do the same research to learn about himself and hopefully realize it's not just all the other person's fault.

The fact that he's sorry later already indicates to me that he already realises the effect that it has on other people. In order for him to accept that he has Asperger's, he has to get an official diagnosis, unfortunately.

Jono

Wow your insight on speaking directly was so brilliant I had to turn way from the blinding light.

How much moe direct is please turn the radio down? It is not under any circumstances a personal attack.

In that case you're not asking her to be more direct you're asking her to phrase every question as an ego stroking re-direct of his potential aggression.

Screw that. She doesn't need that.

stop blaming the victim here. she should cut her losses and move on - hopefully reflecting on why she felt she needed to put up with that sort of behaviour. It's inexcusable.

You sound rather bitter and you clearly have never been on the flip side here being in a similar position to the man in this situation. I for one am very sensitive to shift in tones and tone of voice in general, but I also have great difficulty with recognizing what exactly is being implied within the tone. It's stressful stuff and many things that shouldn't feel like a direct attack on me end up feeling like just that. If you find it so hard to empathize with AS issues like this, then I don't see why you're here.

@OP Things like this are much easier to prevent than defuse, in my experience. I'm constantly finding myself offended by simple questions like "Have you seen where my ___ is?" because sometimes I misinterpret the tone as accusing. I do not blame the person asking me nor do I blame myself for this. It is a quick reaction where no time to stop and think is allotted and I get defensive instantly. I don't think it's fair to you to always feel like you're walking on eggshells, but at the same time if there are simple things you can try to change the situation, then I don't see the harm in doing so. I actually agree with Jono's advice in giving a reason with your request and seeing how that goes.

I will say that I highly doubt that admitting he isn't NT is going to change this situation/similar situations, because he still will be who he is after doing so. Autism isn't something you seek treatment for, deal with your issues, and then move on with your life. I will third the advice of seriously considering whether you'd like to continue this relationship.