Men asking before kissing on First Date (again this topic)

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Yuzu
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26 Sep 2014, 7:15 pm

I can safely say that it is mostly the asking ones that are being vilified in society.

And I wasn't even bashing the ones who don't. I was pointing out how I am in the minority in this matter.

Nights_Like_These
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26 Sep 2014, 7:48 pm

androbot01 wrote:

Yuzu wrote:

I want to make it clear that this is about kissing for the first time, not when you're in a relationship already.

And if you really have "physical sympatico", (not sure what it is myself, but) asking should not ruin the mood at all either, should it?

For me it is the feeling of being drawn to someone. Of just wanting to be near him. I've asked if I could hug a guy (he said yes). But I don't think there is a difinitive answer to this question. I do however feel that to vilify a non asking kisser is inappropriate.

I guess it would depend on how that "non-asker" is going about their "non-asking"...

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androbot01
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26 Sep 2014, 8:36 pm

Nights_Like_These wrote:

androbot01 wrote:

Yuzu wrote:

I guess it would depend on how that "non-asker" is going about their "non-asking"...

How so?

Nights_Like_These
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26 Sep 2014, 8:59 pm

androbot01 wrote:

Nights_Like_These wrote:

androbot01 wrote:

Yuzu wrote:

I guess it would depend on how that "non-asker" is going about their "non-asking"...

How so?

Well there is this guy: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp6272037.html#6272037

...who equates grabbing other people's bodies without permission to "normal animal behaviour"(not saying he necessarily engages in this type of behaviour himself--although one has to wonder--this is just an example of the kind of person/attitude I meant when I said it depends on the person's methods). Not asking could get someone into trouble, especially if you are someone who's not good at reading signals, and you're making advances on the wrong sort of person--the kind of person who's not going to take too kindly to it. This has always been my argument for asking. It doesn't matter how many women here or elsewhere are advocating for not asking because they aren't the ones at risk of getting into trouble if they make the wrong move. People are going to do whatever they're going to do, but you better be absolutely sure before about it beforehand.

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androbot01
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26 Sep 2014, 9:06 pm

I don't think MrGrumpy's comments are applicable to this thread. He is advocating assaulting people in the workplace, This is about dating.

Nights_Like_These
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26 Sep 2014, 9:25 pm

androbot01 wrote:

I don't think MrGrumpy's comments are applicable to this thread. He is advocating assaulting people in the workplace, This is about dating.

People don't get assaulted while on dates? I only linked to it to shed light on the kinds of attitudes that exist out there regarding other people's bodies and consent. People like him go on dates too (somehow), I'm sure. (edit: you said people who don't ask shouldn't be vilified, and asked me what I meant when I said it would depend on the behaviour of the person who's not doing the asking--some mistakes are innocent, some are not)

If you're not 100% sure, it might be best to ask, that's all I'm saying. If someone is willing to call the whole thing off just because you asked if you could kiss them, then it probably wasn't meant to be and you'd be better off with someone more understanding (and less judgmental) about such things.

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Last edited by Nights_Like_These on 26 Sep 2014, 9:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

yellowtamarin
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26 Sep 2014, 9:27 pm

Well, we all got our quirks. One of mine is that things external to the scenario I'm trying to focus on can affect the scenario. Like, a loud bang can distract me from focusing on my homework then it will take me a bit to get back "in the zone", someone telling me a story and adding something salient like "when I used to be a boy" is going to distract me from the story for a bit and I'll be thinking about the fact that they just revealed they have had a sex change, or having a romantic moment with someone and thinking about kissing them then having them ask permission just beforehand is going to distract me from the act of kissing that was about to occur, and I'm going to be thrown for a sec and not be in the mood for the kiss. The focus has changed from homework to loud bang, story to interesting side-note, kissing to answering a question.

In each of those situations I can return to the scenario I was focusing on, but momentarily the mood is ruined. That's the best I can explain it for me. Yes it's petty, but so are a heap of quirks that people have.

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26 Sep 2014, 9:28 pm

Nights_Like_These wrote:

People don't get assaulted while on dates?

So you do view kissing without asking as assault then?

Nights_Like_These
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26 Sep 2014, 9:31 pm

androbot01 wrote:

Nights_Like_These wrote:

People don't get assaulted while on dates?

So you do view kissing without asking as assault then?

That's actually not what I said, but I believe that would depend on the situation, and about how the person being kissed that didn't want to be feels about it.

edit: Obviously if you kiss someone without asking, and that person wanted you to kiss them, then that is not assault. When have I ever suggested that it was?

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androbot01
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26 Sep 2014, 10:02 pm

Nights_Like_These wrote:

androbot01 wrote:

Nights_Like_These wrote:

People don't get assaulted while on dates?

So you do view kissing without asking as assault then?

A lot of it is context. The whole issue is such a sticky wicket because it involves two people's sometimes differing experiences of the same event. As I said before if you kiss someone and they pull back, you have to respect that.

yellowtamarin
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26 Sep 2014, 10:04 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

How most of your female friends think?

No idea, I talk to males about this kind of thing much more than females. I'll go find some NT girlfriends and ask them. My Facebook survey didn't work last time because most of the people who responded were aspie.

Edit: I've just sent a message to seven neurotypical female friends, will see what they say.

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27 Sep 2014, 1:57 am

Yuzu wrote:

^ I don't know about that. I have a feeling that a lot of men probably find it too desperate or forward if a woman asked him. And don't forget that a lot of men on here also have said that asking is the mood killer.

No, men say it will kill her mood; I don't think this affects the mood of men much.

Men follow women in dating, if the majority of women advocate asking before kiss then most men would advise other men to ask their dates before kissing.

What do your friends think?

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27 Sep 2014, 8:32 am

yellowtamarin wrote:

Do you have any advice for kissing without breaking the mood , or doing anything that someone may not want? I'm pretty terrible at reading body language, so I really prefer some sort of confirmation that she's receptive to a kiss, because for me the mood would be ruined by getting slapped for being overeager! How to handle a first kiss is honestly the one thing in dating that causes me more undue anxiety/fear than anything else (asking kills the mood, not asking is like a shot in the dark), so more often than not I just end up not kissing anyone. Right now my "rule" is basically to wait until a 4th date to kiss anyone, since by then I think it's a pretty fair assumption that they want one.

Yuzu
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27 Sep 2014, 9:23 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Yuzu wrote:

I don't have friends. But maybe I can ask coworkers what they think.

Ectryon
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28 Sep 2014, 4:56 am

sorry to interrupt I just need to leave this here. There's a certain Cpt. Jaqueline Harknesss who'll know precisely what it is :lol:

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The_Face_of_Boo
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28 Sep 2014, 9:25 am

Aww I am touched.

This is just glass tho.

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