Why do Women do this on Dating Sites?

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I am confused that anyone would see it as anything other than nasty. Again, if this was a cover letter it would be instantly trashed. These statements scream "I have excess baggage" and it turns out in this case, I was right.


Yes, I did message her and as typical for that site, she flaked after the second message. Turns out she is showing all the signs of a classic Borderline/Cluster B personality and I don't want to repeat what a nightmare that was for me last time around. I don't doubt women get nasty messages but my point is don't punish those of us who don't engage in such behavior. Doesn't matter because the quality of women on that site is downright terrible when it comes to looking for a long term relationship anyway, no doubt because the good ones (of both genders) aren't prepared for the cascade of BS that comes with online dating.

Judging by the fact that I received more messages on eHarmony in two days than from OKCupid in two years should tell you all you need to know about how many women message first where I live. BTW, In case you are wondering, I am permanently closing my account there after my date on Wednesday. I am even tempted to cancel the date because she is showing serious red flags already.

How is being upfront about not liking certain behaviour "punishing people who don't engage in that behaviour"?

There is a difference between saying "no tattoos or body piercings please" (like I once did) to "if I discover you have ink or metal on your body, your ass is out the door." If nobody can see the difference in those two statements, I officially give up.

I see that one is more blunt than the other. I still don't see how it's punishing anyone.

The first statement implies, as I guess, "I don't date people who have tattoos or body piercings" .
The second implies: "I'll kick you out of my house if I find out you have tattoos or some body piercing".

The first is a condition statement, the second is.....a willingness for an act of intolerance. Am I getting that right?


But not sure how this analogy is related to what she said on her profile, she didn't say she would kick anybody's butt.

I'd suggest finding out whether the person has tattoos or body piercings before getting to the living-together stage. That way, no kicking out of anyone's a$s will be needed.

I can I can! Don't give up!

On an unrelated note, since I removed any mention of that in my profile, all the girls I went out with have no tattoos and only one ear piercing. None of them worked out but one introduced me to her friends and other than one having a small tattoo, they all fit my preference. Maybe if I mentioned it they might have got the wrong idea and thought I was intolerant and judgmental. I do say on the second date though. I can tolerate small tattoos and piercings as long as they aren't crazy now but it is a huge turnoff for me personally.

Bringing it back to topic, it's just like a girl who had a near perfect profile and then said (yes, in all capitals) DON'T CONTACT ME IF YOU ARE NOT AT LEAST 5'9"! I instantly closed that match even though I am WELL past that height requirement.

Last edited by GiantHockeyFan on 14 Oct 2014, 1:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The chick's profile sounds like something I might write due to my extreme honesty and bluntness.

I've been told I scare men: therefore, I can see why men might find this particular profile unattractive.

GHF, I think it shows your strength of character that you gave her a shot despite your misgivings.

Well its not a cover letter, its a profile on a free dating site....and how does flaking after the second message give you the ability to diagnose her with personality disorders and what not....sounds like maybe you have some excess baggage from a previous relationship so you project traits of that person onto people you haven't even got to know yet. Perhaps she just decided she wasn't interested.....that can happen a lot on dating sites, messege someone a couple times maybe even a few and one person loses intrest, its happened to me. Probably should cancel that date.....she'll more than likely not be of high enough quality so better not to chance it I suppose right.

There's no need for that cheap shot Sweetleaf and quite frankly I am getting sick of the personal insults that have been leveled my way and behind my back due to this thread (I'm not referring to you personally). I used to love this site and always appreciated the helpful and constructive feedback and am quickly learning that Aspies can be even bigger jerks than NTs.

Having gotten that off my chest, free or not is irrelevant. It IS a "cover letter" in many ways but I am not going down that road again. Yes, I've dealt with enough Cluster Bs to know the signs (they are obvious once known) and the alarm bell were ringing. I might need to cancel that date: she is whining about how hard it is to get around without a car and shooting down all my suggestions over and over. FFS, who the heck in my city (with crappy public transit) is 32 years old and doesn't have a driver's license? How is that possible? If you think it's arrogant that I think having a full time job, a car and my own place makes me a quality catch to the average 30 year old woman than I plead guilty as charged and I don't think it's unreasonable to expect my dates to have a least two of them.


Thanks. I have tried to extend courtesy to everyone and not turn down any reasonable dates but the girls on that site are without exception awful and usually flake or stand me up. Only got three real life first dates and one was a relationship that almost destroyed me. Makes no sense especially since eHarmony went so well! Oh well I will be done tomorrow with that site for good.

Wow that's an unreasonable, irrational amount of expectations to project onto some girl who you've exchanged one email with via dating site.

Not sure what cheap shot you mean, it really does seem like you have some excess baggage from previous relationships, so you are projecting that onto girls you don't even know. And thus far nothing you have mentioned is in the diagnostic criteria for borderline PD or other cluster B disorders or whatever you are in no position to judge whether a chick you've talked to online a couple of times has any such condition.

Sounds like the one without a car is simply complaining/whining, normal people do that to...especially girls lol, do you have a car? In that case perhaps you should offer transportation to the 'date' it can be pretty difficult getting around without a car....also maybe they have a drivers lisecnse and no car, maybe they cannot afford one or maybe they have a reason they don't drive....I have no drivers liscense and am 25 because I think being in traffic would overwhelm me so it could be dangerous.

Also I do not think it is arrogant per say to think those things make you a quality catch......however for a lot of females me included getting along well, being able to spend time together and all that is very important so a full time job, car, your own house isn't going to make up for those things. I mean I would never date someone just because they have those things, and I do not see them as requirements for me to date someone. Obviously I personally would not be a 'good catch' for a guy in that sort of position who expects their date to also at least have a car, full time job, and own house, just not going to happen. But I do not think material success makes a 'quality' human being actually.

What, that they show basic courtesy and respect? If I heard anyone talking like that on the street I would avoid them and so would most normal guys (and girls). I know if I wrote my profile like that I would NEVER get any replies and rightfully so.


I really don't want to discuss my private life but let's just say that when you are in a serious relationship with a textbook BPD individual (meets 9 of 9 DSM IV criteria), you learn some survival mechanisms to spot it in the future and get quite good at it. My Ex almost ruined my life, almost got me arrested and evicted (thankfully the cops were very understanding and believed me) and I ended up with a mental breakdown because of her crazy behaviour. Maybe this OKCupid girl does, maybe she doesn't (and I am NOT trying to play armchair Psychologist even though it was a special interest at one point) but I am erring on the side of caution. Next time I won't be so lucky! I know from my experience and the experience of others that most Borderlines are downright dangerous to be in a relationship with even though it's not always their fault.

Free dating sites (especially POF) are loaded with Cluster Bs, particularly Narcissists: I just didn't learn until recently what it was called. Again, I have a number of textbook narcissistic relatives and they all play from the same script just like Borderlines. Doesn't matter in this case because she flaked but if I were a betting man, I would say she has undiagnosed BPD. I have nothing further to say on this matter because it is irrelevant at this point: I am officially done with free online dating.


I was laughed at because I was 18 years old before I was licensed and I have to admit, I am shocked to find out there are a number of adults who willingly don't drive. I honestly didn't know anyone who didn't drive at 16 other than me (who wasn't dirt poor that is). Turns out she has a license and is paying off student loans. I flat out told her I was a chauffeur in my past relationships and lack of a license (not a car) is a deal breaker except in extreme circumstances like disability. I DO love to drive but I am sick and tired of having to drive everyone around because they are too lazy to get a license themselves. Yes, cars are expensive but it's an expense most adults have to take on in order to make a decent living unfortunately.


Good points but I am easy to get along with, am VERY protective and can border on being clingy too. I suppose I didn't explain myself properly: I would prefer someone with character FAR more than someone well off but I am at the stage of my life where I am sick and tired of being the 'caretaker' or rescuer and want someone who is my equal. Someone called me "entitled" because of this but that's no more than saying I am entitled to my paycheck because I worked for it. You would not be a good catch for me because of that but that doesn't mean you are a bad catch in general.

Am I a bit bitter from dating someone who never worked, never tried to get a license, failed College on 5 different occasions (now 6) and kept whining, making excuses and blaming others instead of trying or seeking help? You bet! As a result, I am unable to accept those (lack of) qualities in a partner. Sorry, but that's the trademark Aspie truth. For the record, this date went surprisingly well but doubt she will become anything more than a friend because financial stability is important to me. I do not want to have my good money habits and credit ruined. I've already seen too many lives ruined by bad relationships and want to learn from my mistakes as well as the mistakes of others.

I get that you are looking for a "quality partner" and that you've been burned in the past -- but, again, you're setting the bar irrationally, unreasonably high for someone with whom you've exchanged ONE email with. You do not know enough about a girl you've exchanged ONE email with to make THAT many value judgements based on SO little information.

It is literally impossible to diagnose a person with BPD (or anything else for that matter) from ONE email.

Your ex, the supposedly crazy one who took so much advantage of you, nearly got you arrested, etc? Was only able to do so WITH your consent.

Wanting to avoid a similar nutter? Is perfectly reasonable.

Insisting a girl with whom you've exchanged ONE email is that much of a nutter? Is you projecting your ex's behavior onto others.