Why is "Ghosting" Socially Acceptable?

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RetroGamer87
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28 Oct 2014, 1:12 am

alien91 wrote:
Ghosting is terrible! I have had it done to me more than once and it isn't fun. It makes you go crazy wondering if you did or said something wrong.

Yeah, ghosting makes you feel terrible but some people feel they're entitled to make other people feel that way. Some people also can't tell the difference between wanting to know what went wrong and asking/demanding to resume the relationship.

Also, some people can't tell the difference between their ex asking or demanding something. In other words, they think just because someone wants something that means they're demanding it. Maybe this is because demanding people assume everyone else is as demanding as they are (most people try read other people's thoughts and actions based on what they would do in the same situation).

Anyone who says "you're not entitled to that" when you request something must think you think that way because they have a lot of entitlements of their own.


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28 Oct 2014, 8:29 am

RetroGamer87 wrote:
alien91 wrote:
Ghosting is terrible! I have had it done to me more than once and it isn't fun. It makes you go crazy wondering if you did or said something wrong.

Yeah, ghosting makes you feel terrible but some people feel they're entitled to make other people feel that way...

For me ... not so much. When I "ghost" someone (i.e., a bully) for the way they've treated me (e.g., badly), I really don't care what they feel.

I just want them out of my life.

[opinion=mine]

So, if bullies feel bad because I'm determined to no longer take any of their abuse, then that is their problem, and not mine.

[/opinion]


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AngelRho
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28 Oct 2014, 9:34 am

Fnord wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
alien91 wrote:
Ghosting is terrible! I have had it done to me more than once and it isn't fun. It makes you go crazy wondering if you did or said something wrong.

Yeah, ghosting makes you feel terrible but some people feel they're entitled to make other people feel that way...

For me ... not so much. When I "ghost" someone (i.e., a bully) for the way they've treated me (e.g., badly), I really don't care what they feel.

I just want them out of my life.

[opinion=mine]

So, if bullies feel bad because I'm determined to no longer take any of their abuse, then that is their problem, and not mine.

[/opinion]

Nothing angers people more than to get ignored right out of existence (48 Laws of Power). Extinction theory, that is, you eliminate bad attention-getting behavior by ignoring it, was a cornerstone of Madeline Hunter's classroom management strategy (Instructional Theory into Practice).

In short, fading someone is a guaranteed effective break-up strategy. The question is it safely applicable in every situation? No. If I ignored EVERY problem I ever had in the classroom, I wouldn't have lasted the 5 years I did, and there might have been some dead teachers/students besides. Is it always ethically right and proper? No. Someone who has been led to believe he or she has every confidence in the relationship deserves to know, if nothing else, that they are being dumped.

If you are having issues with bullies, or going back to "formally" break up with someone is potentially life-threatening, I think everyone understands why you go silent. Nobody will give you a hard time for that.

Heck, I've even gone so far as to explicitly TELL someone on WP I would no longer respond to his posts. It was a case of one or both of us being unreasonable, and no matter what I said the response always fell back on a deconstructivist view that invalidated his own position as much as it did my own. It was the lack of maturity that finally got me?I don't argue with children?EVER. Act like a grownup, we'll converse like grownup. Act like a child, I'll ignore you like a child. There's no reason to imagine romantic relationships don't operate the same way.

All I can say is if you're breaking up with someone, AT LEAST have the decency to say so. Ignoring someone out of existence (fading) might be effective, but depending on who you're fading you might be setting yourself up for more risk of physical/mental harm than you would just shooting straight. If you tell someone outright the relationship is over, you no longer have any obligation to that person and you can put them out-of-sight-out-of-mind if you want. If they still come after you, you can call the cops. It doesn't cost you a thing to call/text two words: "It's OVER."



RightGalaxy
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28 Oct 2014, 9:56 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
They're too shy to make a closure.


I disagree. I say they're too selfish to make a disclosure.



RightGalaxy
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28 Oct 2014, 10:00 am

Ghosting is NOT socially accepted. It's just something that's done. It's rude and SO selfish.
I mean that in relation to dating. I feel it's socially acceptable to ghost a ghoul of a person - a person who has abused you in any way - I'm all for that!!



goldfish21
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28 Oct 2014, 3:27 pm

I don't know.. but I'd guess that it's evolved from internet dating/chat.

I haven't done it or had it done to me after an in person date that was expected to lead to more.

I've done it & had it done to me after in person one time meetings with no expectations of a second meeting.

I've also done it & had it done to me with online chat/email. This happens extremely frequently both ways. It seems to be the internet-socially-acceptable norm.. chat/email, exchange pics, and if one party or the other isn't interested for any reason then there just isn't any response at all and there you have your answer - or have given your answer via not responding. Sometimes I am overly polite and respond and let them know that they're not my type and I'm not interested and wish them luck finding someone, but not always.

Most of the time I don't mind it happening to me because I know it happens to everyone and there are TONS of other potential dates out there. But once in a while when I'm actually truly interested in meeting someone this type of ghostly rejection is a little bit hurtful right in the feels lol but I get over it pretty quickly and move on because it is what it is and I have no choice but to accept the situation and roll with it. Obviously I'm not right for that person, so it never would have worked out anyways. I just have to remind myself of things like that and think "meh, ah well.. next! :)" and click around the internet for someone else to chat with. Thankfully there are a LOT of others online chatting people up so it isn't difficult in the least bit to find someone else or two or ten to chat with and see if we have anything in common. And now that I've nearly exhausted most of the people I'm interested in on a couple of sites, I tend to put less time into reading/communicating with anyone there and have just added two different dating sites to the mix to see who's online on them? and while they're still local, different sites have different people seeking different things so it's an entirely new fresh mix of faces to chat with and it's likely going to take a long time to exhaust the current possible matches on them. In a perfect world I'd get to go on a date night with each and every one of them, but I know that's not likely.. but still, I can foresee many more in person actual dates coming my way by broadening my online horizons.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I think a big reason for this becoming the norm is that many dating sites limit the number of messages you can send or read per day on their free accounts so people don't want to waste a single message chatting with someone they have no interest in meeting? so they just ghost and the other person gets the point sooner or later.


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28 Oct 2014, 4:02 pm

I've done this because some guys can't take no for an answer. As a recent example, I gave a guy I met once and talked to for a few minutes my phone number, thinking I might go out with him someday. Immediately he sent me texts that made it clear to me we were not a perfect match. I politely told him I had changed my mind. To him, this meant "I'm playing hard to get, so please constantly message me and stalk me." I had to ghost him to get him to stop texting me non-stop and following me into stores.



The_Face_of_Boo
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28 Oct 2014, 4:49 pm

RightGalaxy wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
They're too shy to make a closure.


I disagree. I say they're too selfish to make a disclosure.



...or selfish.



Kurgan
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28 Oct 2014, 5:22 pm

RightGalaxy wrote:
Ghosting is NOT socially accepted. It's just something that's done. It's rude and SO selfish.
I mean that in relation to dating. I feel it's socially acceptable to ghost a ghoul of a person - a person who has abused you in any way - I'm all for that!!


Depends on how long you've been seeing each other. I've done that to several first dates before. I also did it to a BPD ex-girlfriend after we tried being friends.


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lightningorb
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31 Oct 2014, 10:56 pm

You ghost when someone is retardedly f****d.. and we just stop talking to them..



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01 Nov 2014, 7:36 am

^^^^
lol yep, but like a couple other people in this thread have stated. The ones who are very quick to "ghost" other people when it suits their purpose, are also usually the ones who flip-out the quickest when someone unexpectedly does it back to them.



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01 Nov 2014, 7:43 am

Hence why I am ghosting a particular f****d up on this forum.



Jjancee
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01 Nov 2014, 12:40 pm

RightGalaxy wrote:
Ghosting is NOT socially accepted. It's just something that's done. It's rude and SO selfish.
I mean that in relation to dating. I feel it's socially acceptable to ghost a ghoul of a person - a person who has abused you in any way - I'm all for that!!


Nobody is entitled to an explanation. The person who ghosts you? Is communicating with you. Yes. They. Are. The message is "not interested, go away".

Let's say someone's ghosting you. What do you hope to achieve by repeatedly contacting them? And what would possess you to think that your creepy refusal to just go away will achieve?



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01 Nov 2014, 1:36 pm

Jjancee wrote:
RightGalaxy wrote:
Ghosting is NOT socially accepted. It's just something that's done. It's rude and SO selfish.
I mean that in relation to dating. I feel it's socially acceptable to ghost a ghoul of a person - a person who has abused you in any way - I'm all for that!!


Nobody is entitled to an explanation. The person who ghosts you? Is communicating with you. Yes. They. Are. The message is "not interested, go away".

Let's say someone's ghosting you. What do you hope to achieve by repeatedly contacting them? And what would possess you to think that your creepy refusal to just go away will achieve?

I can bend on whether someone is entitled to an explanation. What I have trouble understanding is when a person chooses fading over an actual break-up. If you're being dumped, I think the least anyone deserves is to know they've been dumped. If a person just disappears, that could mean anything--a breakup is only ONE possibility and not necessarily the most likely one. I once had a gf stop talking to me. Reason? She was in the psych ward!! ! She managed to sneak out long enough to call me and tell me everything was ok and not to worry, and I heard from her again a few days later when they let her go.

It's perfectly reasonable to assume the worst when people vanish and others refuse to talk to you about it. You can't blame a guy for that. Seriously, we live in a world in which terrorism and human trafficking are increasingly the norm. For a guy, whether you dump him outright or you fade him, it still sucks for him either way because he's getting dumped. A fade is not a breakup. A breakup informs everyone where they stand. A fade doesn't. Breakups communicate that it's time for everyone to get on with their lives. A fade doesn't.

Breaking up takes only slightly more effort than fades. "Hi! It's me. I'm breaking up with you. Goodbye." Click. The end.



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01 Nov 2014, 1:36 pm

Venger wrote:
^^^^
lol yep, but like a couple other people in this thread have stated. The ones who are very quick to "ghost" other people when it suits their purpose, are also usually the ones who flip-out the quickest when someone unexpectedly does it back to them.

QFT. the hypocrisy that dare not speak its name.



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01 Nov 2014, 1:51 pm

auntblabby wrote:
Venger wrote:
^^^^
lol yep, but like a couple other people in this thread have stated. The ones who are very quick to "ghost" other people when it suits their purpose, are also usually the ones who flip-out the quickest when someone unexpectedly does it back to them.

QFT. the hypocrisy that dare not speak its name.

Indeed. Chronic faders are all about the positional power that fading gives them.

From 48 Laws of Power: Nothing angers someone so much as being ignored out of existence.