Online dating I only attract low value women.

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jerry00
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28 Oct 2014, 2:09 am

SignOfLazarus wrote:
jerry00 wrote:
It's like a slap in the face that I put literally hours of effort into writing a profile, choosing photos, uploading them, getting it critiqued by dispassionate observers, and the only people who message me can't take two minutes to pick out just one thing I wrote and ask me about it?


Just because you so carefully crafted and manipulated something to "look just so" it doesn't mean you are entitled to attention. But, actually, it offers some insight as to why those you may perceive as more engaging may simply skip over it.


I love how you use words like Manipulate to make me out as a bad person, because I told you I spent hours on my profile. Are you for real?

So anyone who puts any effort into something they care about is being Manipulative?

Jeez when you put it that way, you can make anyone sound like a horrible person. Then you say it's no surprise people would skip over it, when you haven't seen it? I think you are the one who comes off as a jerk.

SignOfLazarus wrote:
I would randomly add something to my profile if i thought of something funny and people who knew me said it was much like having a conversation with me


In other words you "manipulated" your audience to "perceive" that you're an amiable person, which offers some insight into [insert snide remark here]

See how easy it is?



Last edited by jerry00 on 28 Oct 2014, 2:23 am, edited 4 times in total.

SignOfLazarus
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28 Oct 2014, 2:14 am

marshall wrote:
SignOfLazarus wrote:
jerry00 wrote:
I read every woman's profile and if I'm interested I (get ready, are you sitting down for this?) ASK THEM QUESTIONS BASED ON WHAT THEY WROTE. Because THAT'S THE WAY ONLINE DATING WORKS. Its basic courtesy and a pretty f*****g simple thing to do. People who can't be bothered, or are too stupid, are LOW VALUE in internet dating terms. If you take off your demonisation hat for a second, it's pretty simple to understand, really.

...it's possible you come off like a jerk when you message women, and that's why they don't message you back.

It's just a theory.

Unnecessary attack since you haven't actually read his profile.


...wait, how is that an attack?
That could actually be what is happening? It is just a theory [as stated] because, yes, I have not read the messages he is sending?

marshall wrote:
I don't think you really get what it's like on dating sites for guys. Dating sites are much more competitive for guys. Most women don't reply regardless of how good your profile is. After 10s of non-responses it's easy to start to feel like every single thing you put there is being scrutinized and judged with a fine toothed comb. The reality is the majority of messages from guys are ignored.

...so on the flip side, what is it like for women is a whole lot of men initiating what seems like an interesting conversation for two minutes and then after those two minutes immediately diving into really explicit talk about genitalia. So... I can't possibly know what is driving the OPs experience. I do understand the feeling of being scrutinized and judge for every single thing you put out there [see, for example your commentary on what I suggested about possible reactions to OPs messages on the dating site].

Really the only way to know what is going through these women's heads would be to ask, and actually have them answer.

marshall wrote:
Maybe his profile is too serious and sounds pretentious, but a whole hell of a lot of females have really pretentious profiles too, like having bullet-point lists of what they want their "perfect man" to be. It's like they're placing an order.

I haven't actually seen said profile, and I didn't indicate I thought it was pretentious. But if something is unnaturally put together even if the author feels it accurately represents them it will often seem "off" and it can tend to turn people off of it. So crafting something for hours and manipulating it over and over will eventually reflect in the profile. Investing that much time in it will make a person feel they should get more and more out of that investment. But you aren't necessarily going to get more out of the investment than someone who spends fifteen minutes on a profile.


marshall wrote:
Quote:
The word "fake" is easy to bring to mind if you spend too much time on a profile. You also end up feeling entitled to a specific kind of attention. You are not

I think the word "entitled" should be banned. Where you see "entitlement" I see extreme frustration. It seems like most people who stay in this forum really don't have the ability to empathize. It's just one giant pissing contest. Frustrated guys would be better off posting in the haven or something.


That's fair- I can see how the word entitled might further the frustration.

I'll try to rephrase.
If you spend hours and hours on a profile, you can end up just expecting that you SHOULD necessarily deserve a certain kind of attention because you have already invested so much time. But you haven't even engaged anyone yet? So you are likely to have already set yourself up for disappointment.

...you want to try not assuming the absolute worst here? Talk about inability to empathize.


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SignOfLazarus
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28 Oct 2014, 2:23 am

jerry00 wrote:
I love how you use words like Manipulate to make me out as a bad person, because I told you I spent hours on my profile. Are you for real?

So anyone who puts any effort into something they care about is being Manipulative?


...so the word manipulate is actually a neutral word, and I use it as such.
If you want evidence of this go and look up a discussion I've had about said word in this forum a few weeks ago where I actually very passionately discuss that the word "manipulate" is not really a negative word.

I have plenty of posts where I am jovial and all smiles, but I'm not sure why I have to be overly cheery when offering a response and if I offer anything less than cotton candy and sunshine it is seen as mean.
It's not mean or accusatory. i didn't indicate i thought you were a horrible person- this is you choosing to interpret what i wrote as such and i'm not sure why.

Just reading things you might not expect or might not want to doesn't make me mean, doesn't make me a jerk, doesn't mean i am saying you are horrible. I have pretty much made zero judgement on you as a person and merely suggested you might be coming off as a jerk.

Apologies for not writing things precisely as you would be able to interpret them so as not to be offended, I guess? I've had a bit of a rough day. You speak of people jumping down your throat, and yet leave zero room for possible communication issues or misinterpretation, yes?

Communication issues abound, such is life.


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jerry00
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28 Oct 2014, 2:30 am

I love how if I don't put effort into my profile, then I'm lazy and shouldn't be surprised if I get ignored, and if I do put effort in, then I come across as fake and shouldn't be surprised if I get ignored. Can't we just admit that women love ignoring guys either way? I'm pretty sure if they met me in real life they would not ignore me (actually they probably would, sorry for being optimistic there, it won't happen again I promise)

I don't think there's anything I could write that women would not find a way to criticize in some fashion. They just love taking the angle of men are bad and do things wrong, whatever they actually did, it was the wrong thing.

No wonder dating is such a shitstorm of disappointment. Women set out to not be pleased by anything then complain that nothing pleases them. Yawn.



Last edited by jerry00 on 28 Oct 2014, 2:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

SignOfLazarus
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28 Oct 2014, 2:35 am

jerry00 wrote:
I love how if I don't put effort into my profile, then I'm lazy and shouldn't be surprised if I get ignored, and if I do put effort in, then I come across as fake and shouldn't be surprised if I get ignored. Can't we just admit that women love ignoring guys either way? I'm pretty sure if they met me in real life they would not ignore me.

I don't think there's anything I could write that women would not find a way to criticize in some fashion.


...ok but, this is a genuine question...
Where you hoping for some insight into the situation by posting about this or did you really just need to vent? If it was the latter that was really not obvious but you might possibly have gotten some different responses, and it would make sense that your level of frustration with the responses you got was at the level it was.

but... if no one knew that you really just need to vent and get a "yeah, dating sites are super frustrating", then you are going to get a lot of responses that you probably couldn't do much with and be really frustrated with them.

If you start out with just needing to vent, it can be hard to know that about yourself too, though.


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28 Oct 2014, 2:41 am

Taboo: That's because women tend to date-up, meaning, the equally-or-more-smart (any anything else, like looks and job) would ignore you because they prefer guys better than themselves (and you), and the dumbs-unemployed-poorlyeducated would see you better than themseves hence why they approach you.



jerry00
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28 Oct 2014, 2:43 am

I guess I'm just venting, and yes I'm fully aware of how angry and frustrated I sound, I don't care. I am angry and frustrated. I have done everything with the best of intentions, followed all the rules, all the advice I've seen over the years, and still, get told, I did it wrong again. I conclude that there is no way to do it right, but I know that won't stop people saying I did it wrong.

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Taboo: That's because women tend to date-up, meaning, the equally-or-more-smart (any anything else, like looks and job) would ignore you because they prefer guys better than themselves (and you), and the dumbs-unemployed-poorlyeducated would see you better than themseves hence why they approach you.


Maybe.



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28 Oct 2014, 2:49 am

SignOfLazarus wrote:
...so on the flip side, what is it like for women is a whole lot of men initiating what seems like an interesting conversation for two minutes and then after those two minutes immediately diving into really explicit talk about genitalia. So... I can't possibly know what is driving the OPs experience. I do understand the feeling of being scrutinized and judge for every single thing you put out there [see, for example your commentary on what I suggested about possible reactions to OPs messages on the dating site].

I'd like to see a show of hands of how many guys here on this go into genitalia discussion after two minutes. Looks like you're easily manipulated and drawn in by overconfident NT "players" who know how to make themselves seem really interesting even though they're shallow jerks.

Quote:
Really the only way to know what is going through these women's heads would be to ask, and actually have them answer.

That doesn't ever happen. Extremely awkward.

Quote:
I haven't actually seen said profile, and I didn't indicate I thought it was pretentious. But if something is unnaturally put together even if the author feels it accurately represents them it will often seem "off" and it can tend to turn people off of it. So crafting something for hours and manipulating it over and over will eventually reflect in the profile. Investing that much time in it will make a person feel they should get more and more out of that investment. But you aren't necessarily going to get more out of the investment than someone who spends fifteen minutes on a profile.

Some people might take more than fifteen minutes to answer all the questions on the profile regardless. I don't always know what to write immediately off the top of my head. I'm just not a spontaneous writer. What to write doesn't come to me all at once. I might think of something funny to add hours later. Faster doesn't necessarily mean more authentic.


marshall wrote:
I'll try to rephrase.
If you spend hours and hours on a profile, you can end up just expecting that you SHOULD necessarily deserve a certain kind of attention because you have already invested so much time. But you haven't even engaged anyone yet? So you are likely to have already set yourself up for disappointment.

I don't think people "set themselves up for disappointment". I mean, it's pretty hard to motivate yourself to message anyone if in your mind you expect nobody to reply. You have to hope for the best or you wind up giving up. Hope leads to frustration, but just giving up is no better. You expect someone to endlessly pursue some endeavor and then not expect anything to ever come of it? That's just not how human psychology works.

Quote:
...you want to try not assuming the absolute worst here? Talk about inability to empathize.

I don't know what you think I'm assuming. I can see that your critiques come off as insensitive to the posters frustration. His negative response to you was highly predictable.



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28 Oct 2014, 2:54 am

jerry00 wrote:
I guess I'm just venting, and yes I'm fully aware of how angry and frustrated I sound, I don't care. I am angry and frustrated.

Ok, well that's good to know. Not that you are angry and frustrated, but it explains a bit more about how this thread has gone. Angry and frustrated sucks.

Quote:
I have done everything with the best of intentions, followed all the rules, all the advice, and still, get told, I am scum who did it wrong again. I conclude that there is no way to do it right, but I know that won't stop people saying I did it wrong.


No. I mean there isn't anyway to do it right, is the thing. Dating sites can be kind of a big hot mess. So when, for example, I say whatever I think might be a reason people are or are not responding to your profile- it's just a guess. I know what made people respond to mine but I'm also female and clearly have a different way of interacting.

Dating is one of those things that everyone will have advice on and be REALLY insistent that they know what works and that they know why what you are doing is not working. What always pissed me off about this, I figured out, is that it hit right where I was vulnerable because i really felt they were saying *I* wasn't working and there was something wrong with *me*.

Uh. Anyway.
Frustrated is normal. Maybe take a break from it for a short time or something?


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28 Oct 2014, 2:58 am

Jerry, this isn't uncommon:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt251436.html



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28 Oct 2014, 3:01 am

marshall wrote:
I'd like to see a show of hands of how many guys here on this go into genitalia discussion after two minutes. Looks like you're easily manipulated and drawn in by overconfident NT "players" who know how to make themselves seem really interesting even though they're shallow jerks.


Yes that may have something to do with it. I'm autistic and there have been many dating and social situations where my naivety has been taken advantage of. the fact that I am aware of it doesn't change it. The fact that you don't do that or experience it doesn't change the reality of the situation. I'm not sure that any of that should be surprising.

Also, this is a site full of autistics. You are asking with a biased sample when you clearly state it's likely a behavior mostly engaged in by NTs. Pick one.

Feel free to argue with me about my intention, my responses, my imperfect communication, and even my lived experience all you want.
However, that isn't the point of the thread and I'm just not sure what you get out of it.


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28 Oct 2014, 3:10 am

SignOfLazarus wrote:
Personally, I don't like "nice". It's is bland and aggravating

Misspellings and typos irritate me too


You have irritated yourself. :oops:



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28 Oct 2014, 3:11 am

Well, that's sort of the problem with online dating, isn't it? Most people who use it have trouble finding romance within their existing social circles. For some, they wanna try something new as perhaps their social circles don't interest them. For others, they have serious issues with relationships (though I could be wrong).

I think the problem is that no matter how well you advertise yourself, convincing somebody to invest that kind of interest in you is always going to be a challenge. I know you are looking for a girlfriend, but have you considered that you might need to be friends first? It's hard to form bonds without that.

I think what most people are looking for when they pursue a relationship is someone who is a good companion. They could be the dumbest, least attractive person on the planet but they could still be companion material. Just listing your accomplishments and what you think others think of you isn't enough. People like personality and if you come across as somewhat narcissistic (which you kind of do) then nobody wants to invest in that.

Just keep fishing and maybe you'll fine the right one.



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28 Oct 2014, 3:13 am

AlexanderDantes wrote:
SignOfLazarus wrote:
Personally, I don't like "nice". It's is bland and aggravating

Misspellings and typos irritate me too


You have irritated yourself. :oops:


Yup.


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28 Oct 2014, 3:40 am

AlexanderDantes wrote:
SignOfLazarus wrote:
Personally, I don't like "nice". It's is bland and aggravating

Misspellings and typos irritate me too


You have irritated yourself. :oops:


haha this is getting so fun
:D

You have some good points Marshall

jErry it seems your thread meant for venting off anger got a different turn

and MIndBlind you are right!
I actually got interested in someone who wasn't deep , yet a good companion...but on a long run that's not fulfilling


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28 Oct 2014, 3:49 am

jerry00 wrote:
I guess I'm just venting, and yes I'm fully aware of how angry and frustrated I sound, I don't care. I am angry and frustrated. I have done everything with the best of intentions, followed all the rules, all the advice I've seen over the years, and still, get told, I did it wrong again. I conclude that there is no way to do it right, but I know that won't stop people saying I did it wrong.


That's it. It's very complicated, and there is no one formula you can follow that will make you a dating success. It's different for each person. People can advise you on how not to come off as a total idiot/jerk, but beyond that, most advice isn't much use.


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