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irishkate123
Emu Egg
Joined: May 13, 2007
Posts: 7
Location: Toms River, NJ
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 Posted: Wed May 16, 2007 10:09 pm Post subject: Overwhelmed Mom |
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Hi! I am new here. My 8 year old son was diagnosed with AS in January and I am still adjusting. My son has been struggling for years with behavioral problems, but only at home. At school he listens to his teacher and has no behavior problems (so far). He has started to complain about teasing and I have witnessed it myself (at baseball and CCD). I am about to start the process of involving the school, but I am afraid because I have been told that I will have to fight for everything he needs.
I am so frustrated because my son is depressed and at times suicidal. It is breaking my heart. I also have a daughter who is a year younger. She is very happy and well adjusted and this just seems to make it harder for him. He can't understand why she is so happy and he continues to be so sad.
My husband is very supportive but not 100% sure about the dx. He knows there is something wrong but not convinced it's AS. We are setting up some testing and I am hoping it will make things a little clearer.
Thanks for letting me post. I could use any advice and support. |
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nannarob
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 14, 2007
Posts: 1333
Location: Queensland
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| Posted: Wed May 16, 2007 11:10 pm Post subject: |
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HI Irishkate123!
Your story is so familiar on WP, especially about suicide. THere are quite a few parents who have negotiated their way through the school system. If you stick to this thread and read othere posts, even going back to previous pages, you will soon learn who to contact. You can contact them on pm.
I'm sure other parents will find you here and post as well. There is a way forward, but it won't be easy. Good luclk!
_________________
NEVER EVER GIVE UP
I think there must be some chronic learning disability that is so prevalent among NT's that it goes unnoticed by the "experts". Krex
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schleppenheimer
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 01, 2006
Posts: 970
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| Posted: Wed May 16, 2007 11:23 pm Post subject: |
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I really feel for you. My son's 11 and we've been dealing with the AS diagnosis since he was five.
Is your son on any meds? Mine has been on a form of Ritalin for about four years. He is generally a very cheerful child, and if he's being teased, he is so innocent that he is unaware of this teasing.
I have noticed that when we had a time last Fall where my son's Ritalin needed to be adjusted, he was very depressed and saying things like "I'm no good", etc. Once the Ritalin dosage was increased, he turned back into our cheerful son.
I hadn't known previously that Ritalin would have the side benefit of making him feel happier, or the side effect of making him feel depressed when the Ritalin wears off.
It's highly unusual that your son's behavior problems only occur at home, and yet he's great at school. Man, we've always had the reverse!
As far as baseball, if he's being teased because he isn't as athletic as the other boys, then maybe it's time to take him out of baseball. My son was being teased while trying to play baseball, and we just decided that maybe team sports was not for him. On the other hand, if he's good at baseball and derives pleasure from it, I would leave him in it, because it could be one thing that provides good socialization.
Sometimes kids on the spectrum do well to take some form of SSRI, to help with depression. I just can't stand the thoughts of a little 8 year old going through depression. I really hope that you can get some help for him after you've had the testing. |
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irishkate123
Emu Egg
Joined: May 13, 2007
Posts: 7
Location: Toms River, NJ
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2007 12:08 am Post subject: |
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My son is on Lexapro and it has helped some. As far as baseball goes he's an average player. One of the biggest problems is that the kids all tease each other. My son has become a target because he reacts and it makes them tease him more. We have tried working with him and telling him to try to ignore it but I'm beginning to think he's not capable of doing this. He has very little self esteem and everytime he makes a mistake he get's sad. We let him quit this week because he was having such a hard time.
Thank you for your posts. I appreciate the kind words! |
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lelia
Pika
Joined: Apr 12, 2007
Age: 56
Posts: 1523
Location: Vancouver not BC, Washington not DC
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2007 2:29 am Post subject: |
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Where do you live? Is homeschooling an option? I am not telling you that you should, just that you might want to think about the many options open to you besides fighting with the school system. There are private schools, online academies, homeschool groups for socializing, Part-time public school, tutors, unschooling (not my choice, but some kids flourish with it), joining with some other families with AS kids.
I like homeschooling because I HATED school, and loved learning. Even though my mother did not homeschool me, she taught me nearly everything I did learn. When I found out I did not have to put my kids through the same hell I went through, I knew I had found an answer. Out of my five children who each got a completely different set of public school, homeschool, and christian school year combinations, the one son with AS is the only one I homeschooled all the way. I'm so glad I did. I will admit we got tired of highschool, and so I told him let's drop out and just start college, which he did at 15. He now has a job as a programmer at a video game company, exactly the job he wanted since a child. |
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irishkate123
Emu Egg
Joined: May 13, 2007
Posts: 7
Location: Toms River, NJ
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2007 8:05 am Post subject: |
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| I live in Toms River, NJ. Homeschooling is an option, but I would like to try to go through the school first. I have spoke to someone with an AS child in the school district and she said that my son's elementary school is the worst, but the intermediate school he will go to has been great. She told me the principal at my son's school tells the parents that the children's anxiety comes from the parents. She gave me the name of an advocate and recommended that I use one from the very beginning. I am not a very assertive person, but I feel like I am going to need to become one. Down the road, if need be, I am willing to explore other alternitives as far as home schooling etc. |
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EarthCalling
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 28, 2007
Posts: 983
Location: Ontario, Canada
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2007 8:38 am Post subject: |
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Hi,
I have a 12 year old, DXed in January too, although we always knew there was something different about him.
We came to WP in April becuase of school bullying too. Being very persistant and fighting the school tooth and nail has resulted in some wonderful changes for my son. We had Homeschooled for 4 years, starting at 8, but this just was not the best option anymore, my son needs a world a little bit bigger then my living room and his two brothers and sisters, anyway, enough about me!
If your son is suicidal, you need to take strong action in this situation. You can't afford to experiment. He has a serious problem that needs serious action.
I would withdraw him for the rest of the year. There is only a month left (unless you are on a full year / over summer system). He needs to decompress and feel safe. When my sons problems came to a head in March / April, I took him out for a little over 3 full weeks. Now that made the school act! I refused to send him back until I felt they would provide an environment that would not be damaging to him! I spent all year screaming about needing things for him, it was not until they had an MIA student that they knew they had to smarten up, because when a student disapears for 3 weeks, school boards get involved and they smell legal issues brewing, because parents that throw monkey wrenches into their gears typically do not just go quietly away!
You gotta get a really big monkey wrench and feed it to the institution! He is not going to miss so much in one month that he can't recover the year, if he is staged to be promoted next year anyway, then it is not going to prevent his passing!
Have you talked to a doctor about your sons Suicidal threats? If not you probably should, and get the doctor to write a letter stating that the child needs a reprieve and managment at the school level. If the principle gives you any BS about thinking it is your fault the child is so anxious, confront her and ask "I'm Sorry, when did you become a peadiatric developmental psychiartist?" And while she stammers, hit her with "my child has been diagnosed with Autism, not a bad mother, can we now discuss what as a school you can offer to accomidate his anxiety?"
As for the teasing, I read on another forum, that it is difficult for anyone to "just ignore bullying" it does not make the issue go away, and in the victims head, they are still in torment about it. A better approach is to teach your son to say in his head, "you are being mean" and to walk away or tell someone as calmly as he can. By ackknowledging that the person is "being mean" it allows them to better handle the situation, becuase it gives reason to the behavior, now it is not your sons fault, it is the bullies fault!
Do the adults at this baseball game allow the teasing? It seems to me that it is not a good situation if they do. It may be that this is not an appropreate socialization for your son, and i would consider getting him out of it. |
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carolgatto
Snowy Owl
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Joined: Mar 30, 2007
Posts: 142
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2007 8:40 am Post subject: |
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Welcome. Your story is so familar. I have a 7 yr old HFA daughter and we deal with alot of the same issues. The school thinks I am nuts because of the one personality at school and the other personality at home thing that goes on. My daughter is all about the rules at school and it is almost a fear that drives her to behave all day long, but we pay for it at home with the behavior and the stress.
If you do not think you will be able to be aggressive enough with the school system, definitely get an advocate, it can only help. You are his voice, remember.
It takes Dad's time to come to terms with things sometimes especially when dealing with their son, but keep him educated, get him on this site and support him and he will come around. Just as you will show your son there is nothing wrong with him, he is just different and his greatness will come in different ways, show your husband as well. Get the list of famous people who have AS and let them see what they can accomplish in life, this helped both my son and my husband.
I wish you the best. |
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rachel46
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: May 07, 2007
Posts: 185
Location: Midwest US
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2007 9:35 am Post subject: |
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Welcome! I would echo what another caller said about homeschooling - if it's an option for you. My son is 10 - had a great 3 years in public school and then in 3rd grade everything changed - kids become meaner as they get older - he was mercilessly bullied, said he felt "invisible" and the school was of very little help. I couldn't send him into that environment every day knowing he would be "assaulted" - emotionally - a few times it was physical . My son did go through a period of time where he was really depressed - not to the point of needing medication - but he was not the same kid I know and loved - he was hurting.
If you have a responsive, understanding and informed (about kids on the spectrum) school district then go for it. You can and are entitled to accomodations and help - all schools have an "anti-bullying"policy. Unfortunately, it may look good on paper but never actually be put into place.
I did not have the stomach or the patience to wait for the help my son needed. It took weeks to get an IEP meeting and he was so high functioning they didn't know what the problem was and in the meantime my son suffered. You have to become a very assertive, relentless advocate for your son. I tried but cut our losses and started homeschooling - my son is doing very well now.
As far as baseball is concerned is it a voluntary thing or a mandatory gym class type baseball? Sports are not really a spectrum kid "thing" - unless he loves it. My son can play sports but with agressive, competitive boys he doesn't have a chance and I won't put him in that situation either - we tried it - he doesn't like organized sports.
Good Luck - stay here - this board will help! |
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EarthCalling
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 28, 2007
Posts: 983
Location: Ontario, Canada
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2007 9:48 am Post subject: |
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| rachel46 wrote: | Welcome! I would echo what another caller said about homeschooling - if it's an option for you. My son is 10 - had a great 3 years in public school and then in 3rd grade everything changed - kids become meaner as they get older - he was mercilessly bullied, said he felt "invisible" and the school was of very little help. I couldn't send him into that environment every day knowing he would be "assaulted" - emotionally - a few times it was physical . My son did go through a period of time where he was really depressed - not to the point of needing medication - but he was not the same kid I know and loved - he was hurting.
If you have a responsive, understanding and informed (about kids on the spectrum) school district then go for it. You can and are entitled to accomodations and help - all schools have an "anti-bullying"policy. Unfortunately, it may look good on paper but never actually be put into place.
I did not have the stomach or the patience to wait for the help my son needed. It took weeks to get an IEP meeting and he was so high functioning they didn't know what the problem was and in the meantime my son suffered. You have to become a very assertive, relentless advocate for your son. I tried but cut our losses and started homeschooling - my son is doing very well now.
As far as baseball is concerned is it a voluntary thing or a mandatory gym class type baseball? Sports are not really a spectrum kid "thing" - unless he loves it. My son can play sports but with agressive, competitive boys he doesn't have a chance and I won't put him in that situation either - we tried it - he doesn't like organized sports.
Good Luck - stay here - this board will help! |
8 years old and 3rd grade seems to be the melting point for a lot of our kids in the mainstream envirionment. That was when I pulled my son out, and HS'ed for 4 years although he was "repeating grade 2" because of acedemic issues.
It turned him around from being an underachieving failure with no self esteem, to a happy child who started to see that maybe he could believe in himself! We still have a long road ahead, but I have no doubt that had he stayed in school from 8-12 he would have been a very different boy today. He was labeled a "behavior case" in school, and they would do nothing until the "behavior" was under control. What they failed to understand, is that he was the way he was because the environment was hostile, not because he was a bad kid!
Anyway, if you think you are best off working it out with the school, then try that route, HomeSchooling is not for everyone. But don't make compromises that you are unhappy with, howl to the highest authority (following due process of course) if you are unhappy with how things are being handled. |
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irishkate123
Emu Egg
Joined: May 13, 2007
Posts: 7
Location: Toms River, NJ
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2007 2:10 pm Post subject: |
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| I can't thank everyone enough for their input. I can't even think about home schooling until I give the school a chance. I am going to take this one step at a time. I realize that I may have a fight ahead and I will do what I have to do. Looking at the posts on this board has really helped. |
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Pippen
Snowy Owl
Joined: Oct 15, 2006
Posts: 149
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2007 3:42 pm Post subject: |
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In regards to involving the school, there might be some help on a number of fronts here. Talking to teachers and principal may yield better results than you're expecting. Also, my child has really benefitted from the social skills component of speech and language therapy. They've worked on very practical applications, including specific situations that my child was encountering with peers.
Something I'll mention to all of you parents: the ASD kids who are going through our district now are greatly benefitting from the actions of parents of ASD kids in the past who worked closely with the district in improving Autism services for all age groups. The increased staff training has made a huge difference in how staff members approach situations such as you're describing.
Another thought: there's a program called Second Step which was initially designed as a violence prevention program but was shown to be very effective in social skills, problem solving, etc. It was written into my child's IEP during 1st and 2nd grade but it was taught to the entire class by the school social worker. The teachers really like it because all the kids benefit. |
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natb71
Emu Egg
Joined: May 17, 2007
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2007 10:00 pm Post subject: |
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HI irishkate,
I don't have any advice but I can offer support and sympathy. I am also new here -- my daughter is 7-1/2 and just recently diagnosed also. I feel like I don't know which way is up some days -- I can't understand why she is behaving the way she is, but then I feel like the world is ganging up on her for just being herself. We do have a relative with AS so it's not foreign to us and maybe makes it a *little* easier to understand, but then we get a call from the school about something she did and it it feels like the sky is falling again. So, I am sorry you are going through this, but you are not alone. This seems like a very vibrant community -- I think you and I can find some encouragement and camaraderie here.
natb71 |
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Smelena
Cure Neurotypicals Now!
Joined: Apr 02, 2007
Posts: 2148
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 6:24 am Post subject: Re: Overwhelmed Mom |
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| irishkate123 wrote: |
I am so frustrated because my son is depressed and at times suicidal. It is breaking my heart. I also have a daughter who is a year younger. She is very happy and well adjusted and this just seems to make it harder for him. He can't understand why she is so happy and he continues to be so sad.
My husband is very supportive but not 100% sure about the dx. He knows there is something wrong but not convinced it's AS. We are setting up some testing and I am hoping it will make things a little clearer.
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Hello. I can really relate to what you're saying.
My 7 year old Aspie was really unhappy a couple of weeks ago - talking about wishing someone would kill him because he's no use to anyone.
However in the last couple of weeks we've made some changes and he's like a brand new boy - he's happy again. We are homeschooling him 1/week. We've stopped him from taking the bus (which stressed him with all the sensory overload) and he's started weekly pscyhology at an Asperger's Specialist Clinic.
One of the things the psychologist told me which greatly reduced my stress levels was discussing that an Aspie's emotions are often 0 or 100% with nothing in between. When they meltdown it's like a cyclone and they're feeling angry/frustrated at 100%. She said they often say things at extreme levels because they have difficulties expressing themselves. For example instead of saying 'I'm feeling frustrated because of ....', they'll say, 'I want to die!' (You still need to take threats of suicide seriously, but think about in what context it was said).
Has your son starting psychology? My son's only had 2 sessions but it's already made a huge improvement!
Re your husband. My husband took a long time to accept the diagnosis. I think that's because I was at home living with him day to day, whereas my husband was at work and missed a lot of the meltdowns and odd behaviours.
However, my husband is now convinced of his diagnosis and is now fully particpating in decision making and 'homework' set by the psychologist. It took a while but we're now truly a team.
However I did have to fight him to get him to accept the diagnosis and particpate in decision making. At one point I remember yelling at him - 'Grow up, Be a Man, Take responsibility for your son. I can't do this on my own. I need you and your son needs you!'
It's all good now but I had to fight him to get him where he is now. |
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ster
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 24, 2005
Posts: 2444
Location: new england
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 6:36 am Post subject: |
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i was never very assertive until it came time to dealing with the school system~ our system was so very frustrating to deal with. i ended up getting an advocate, and it helped me tremendously.
as far as baseball goes....ride out the season if you can...honestly, my son couldn't take playing baseball because of the teasing~ maybe it's something within the baseball culture, i don't know. son couldn't take the parents yelling at their kids either.....son only played one season of baseball. we moved onto soccer, and found that a much better match for our son. |
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