 
Support Wrong Planet Awareness!
| View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Age1600
Bonita-Azul
Joined: Apr 23, 2007
Age: 23
Posts: 1958
Location: New Jersey
|
 Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 12:35 am Post subject: Anybody have problems with affection? |
 |
|
| I do, I'm dating an NT guy who just drives me nuts with this whole affection ordeal. I can't give a real hug, I only give bear hugs, I can't hold hands, I can't be gentle at all. The other day my boyfriend asked me to sit with him on the couch and cuddle, I know how to cuddle I guess I pretend to know what I'm doing, but it always feels akward for me. Its almost like I know how to show this guy affection and care but I just can't do it, its almost like my brain is lacking the affectionate part. Growing up I would show affection by giving bear hugs, punching, pushing, headbanging the person, weird ways, which I also never understood. Does anybody else have any problems with giving/showing affection also? |
|
| Back to top |
|
nobodyzdream
Whistling in the dark...
Joined: Apr 24, 2007
Age: 28
Posts: 1935
Location: St. Charles, MO-USA
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 12:48 am Post subject: |
|
|
I don't even say hello to my boyfriend when I open the door to let him in, I don't invite him in-I open the door and walk off. He has to ask me when he wants a kiss or hug usually, and when he grabs my hand I instantly pull it away, but then relax and go with it. As far as cuddling-I can be at times, very cuddly, but for the most part it is awkward. Feeling close to someone feels smothering-I can lay by him, but have to face away, if I face him I feel like I'm going to suffocate usually. Even when facing away I still will randomly get up and walk around the house-find an excuse to get up occasionally, then lay back down and have to get situated again, but I rarely stay there for longer than 5 minutes at a time, lol. He hates watching movies with me.
My son spits on his friends, rams into them, etc.-he doesn't understand why he does it, but he also doesn't understand why they wouldn't like it, lol. He gets cuddly occasionally, but usually only when he's having a meltdown or is in competition with his sister for my lap  I usually stick out my leg and give a bit of distance to prep myself up for one of them to even sit on my lap. It sounds awful, but they do the same if I come up on them suddenly, lol.
so nah, you're not alone. |
|
| Back to top |
|
tomamil
What the #$*!?
Joined: May 14, 2007
Posts: 1358
Location: currently Paris, France, but originally Asteroid B612
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 2:56 am Post subject: |
|
|
oh girls  i wish to have your problems. |
|
| Back to top |
|
gwenevyn
asdf forever
Joined: May 07, 2007
Posts: 6179
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 3:16 am Post subject: |
|
|
Is there any possibility that your appetite for closeness is getting used up at an earlier point in the day or week?
I used to feel like that when I was teaching preschool, at first. The kids would touch me all day long, clamoring to hold my hand or sit on my lap. When my then boyfriend visited me on Fridays and wanted to snuggle and such, I had nothing left to give and I felt cornered and put upon. It took about four years of teaching children before my tolerance for that type of touching (which I previously found invasive) increased to the point at which it was no longer an issue. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sedaka
Searching For My Catcher in the Rye
Joined: Jul 17, 2006
Age: 26
Posts: 5218
Location: In the recesses of my mind
|
|
| Back to top |
|
molly17395
Butterfly
Joined: Jun 11, 2007
Posts: 13
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 3:39 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I have to prepare for touches or I jump or even hit the person away some of the boys at school find it funny. i also hate telling my parents i love them especially my dad well anybody really unless i mean it casually as in to a girlfriend saying i love you girl |
|
| Back to top |
|
Pugly
Man-child diligently becoming a Dude, man
Joined: Jan 10, 2005
Age: 26
Posts: 2567
Location: Wisonsin
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 3:51 am Post subject: |
|
|
Yes, but then I haven't really tried... or in a position to be affectionate.
I do have ideas about being affectionate, if I ever find someone to be affectionate with. But, I would definitely have to go outside my normal state, and I know I wouldn't be consistent enough...
Unexpected touch freaks me out... if I can brace for it isn't terrible. And sometimes if the conditions are just right... I may enjoy it.
Verbal affection is also difficult, it may be even harder than physical. It's not that I don't want to be verbally affectionate sometimes, but I don't know how to formulate my feelings into words that are understood. When there are unnatural pauses where I am supposed to say something... the awkwardness makes me want to say something more to ease the tension... and it just becomes a downward spiral.
_________________
I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
ShadesOfMe
Kivatesavam The Pink Bunnay!
Joined: Jul 01, 2004
Age: 17
Posts: 16560
Location: California....or the cuteness place with One-winged-angel
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 3:58 am Post subject: |
|
|
Nope. I'm very affectionate. Or at least I want to be, but people normally don't want to be affectionate with me. I like hugs and snuggling and touching in general. 
_________________
My Bunny will *eet* your bunny for brekfist!
Wolfs are for loving.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
girl7000
Majestic Eagle Owl
Joined: Mar 11, 2007
Posts: 1263
Location: Somewhere in the Atlantic
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 4:54 am Post subject: Re: Anybody have problems with affection? |
|
|
| Age1600 wrote: | | I do, I'm dating an NT guy who just drives me nuts with this whole affection ordeal. I can't give a real hug, I only give bear hugs, I can't hold hands, I can't be gentle at all. The other day my boyfriend asked me to sit with him on the couch and cuddle, I know how to cuddle I guess I pretend to know what I'm doing, but it always feels akward for me. Its almost like I know how to show this guy affection and care but I just can't do it, its almost like my brain is lacking the affectionate part. Growing up I would show affection by giving bear hugs, punching, pushing, headbanging the person, weird ways, which I also never understood. Does anybody else have any problems with giving/showing affection also? |
I have this problem too. I am either too rough or too gentle - it is very difficult for me to judge what the other person wants and how what I am doing feels to them.
Fortunately, my NT bf understands. I give him bear hugs (which he likes!) and I also headbut him gently in the chest (he likes this too, although I think that he did find it a little odd at first!).
We hold hands sometimes, but I find the kissing thing difficult - I don't know why - it is just a sensation that I find difficult to get used to.
I hit him gently sometimes (although there have been a few occasions on which I have inadvertantly injured him...ooops! Fortunately he is very understanding about this and I feel really awful when I injure him accidently). I often do the hitting thing when I am a but hyper or irritated and I have all this energy that I just need to disperse before it drives me crazy.
I guess the main thing that helped is that I explained to my bf that some of my ways of showing affection are 'different' from the standard NT ways. He says that he likes this 'quirk' in me. And the point is that as long as your feelings are genuine, the specific methods of showing affection that you use don't matter.
There is a book called 'Not Even Wrong' by, er, (I think it is Paul Collins?) in which he writes that his young autistic son says 'hi' to people by leaning his weight against them briefly - so alternative ways of giving affection are not that unusual in people with ASDs. |
|
| Back to top |
|
CockneyRebel
Sid The Love Rat is a Sweet Pea :O)
Joined: Jul 18, 2004
Age: 34
Posts: 21174
Location: Out in the evening, with me two best Rat Mates :O)
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 8:43 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I tend to give bear hugs, noogies and back pats. I'm not that girly girl type who can just cuddle and caress, which is what most men want from their women. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Litguy
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 18, 2005
Posts: 669
Location: New Jersey
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 8:50 am Post subject: |
|
|
| molly17395 wrote: | | I have to prepare for touches |
Same here. I can give affection easily because I control it. I find it easy to be affectionate with my wife and children, but if one of my kids touches me from behind, unexpectedly, I feel myself tense up, although I try not to show it.
I can't sleep if my wife's body is touching me in bed. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sopho
Emu Egg
Joined: Apr 04, 2007
Posts: 13905
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 9:42 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I've always had major problems with affection. Probably always will. I don't care though. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Yameretzu
Sea Gull
Joined: Jul 07, 2005
Posts: 231
Location: UK
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 10:24 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I love affection most of the time but I do have my moments where I just don't want any, my boyfriend understands I think because he knows I'll be affectionate again soon. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Macbeth
Thane of Bar and Cellar
Joined: May 28, 2007
Posts: 1682
Location: UK Doncaster
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 10:42 am Post subject: |
|
|
At various times I've been accused of not being affectionate enough, either in private or public. TBH most phyiscal contact drives me nuts, so I avoid it. There are however exceptions, and it does seem to work on a person by person basis. Back when I was married, I often ended up sleeping on the floor next to the bed, as any attempt to touch me by my wife was at best irritating, at worst like having hot spiders drill through my skin carrying cold poison. (Which is worse than hot poison.) Other partners (all NT) have caused similar effects to a greater or lesser extent, but for a long time I never realised how unaffectionate I actually appeared to be.
I made concerted attempts to be more affectionate at times, but TBH this just came off as being forced, and actually worse than not doing it at all. Then, after having a partner who had more hangups about parts of her being touched than I ever did, I resorted to just doing whatever felt natural. (Mostly very little physical contact again.)
Then I discovered the joys of aspie with aspie dating. We both have an issue with physical contact and all that other animalistic NT social stuff, we both know the other has, and we both understand perfectly. None of those "why dont you ever hug me" arguments at all. We have established to each other that we are both comfortable and happy with each other, and see no reason why we have to reinforce it was random shows of unneeded affection. Ironically, in a situation where theres no need for it, we have both found we are perfectly capable of acts of physical affection with each other with no issues at all. Either way, it works.
_________________
"Mindset of an aristocrat, budget of a tramp" ZGM
"I dont have to know I'm your first if I already know I'm the best" ZGM
|
|
| Back to top |
|
KalahariMeerkat
Toucan
Joined: Mar 20, 2007
Posts: 263
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 10:51 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Not only do I like to hug, kiss or the like. I also do not like the emotional feeling of having a "bond" with someone. It just feels weird. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
|
|
