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joshsmom4
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: May 08, 2007
Posts: 69
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 Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 12:34 am Post subject: My Aspie teen has a god complex |
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Maybe someone with AS can help me!! My 16 yo son is being very disrespectful to anyone in authority that is not me or my partner. He always tells me that the adult has to "earn" his respect and he won't listen or do what others tell him until then. This causes lots of problems when out with groups and adult chaperones. I'm to the point where I don't want to let him go anywhere, and that isn't going to help him learn to live in society.
Any thoughts, suggestions, enlightenment? All is appreciated.javascript:emoticon(' ') |
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Sopho
Emu Egg
Joined: Apr 04, 2007
Posts: 13905
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| Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 12:46 am Post subject: |
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I can be a bit like that sometimes, although it's usually thoughts and nothing more because my social anxiety prevents me from being overtly disrespectful etc. But I do tend to have times where I can be quite arrogant and quietly dismissive of what anyone else tells me for the same reason: they ahve to earn my respect. Maybe as a short term solution you could try showing him the benefits to himself of changing his behaviour. ie. it will help him more to be respectful than it will to be rude. For me, if someone's really annoying me and I think they're a complete asshole, I just have to remind myself that I won't get anything out of it by acting how I would like to, that I just have to put up with people in authority whether I like them or not, for my sake and everyone else's. I'm 19 by the way, I've got a lot better at this since I was 16 myself. When I was that age I really hated some of my teachers in school just because I disagreed with them or I thought the work was pointless. So I ended up refusing to do some of it and got kciked of two courses (one of which I would have got an A in in my final exam).
Try explaining to him that people are respectful to others (even when they disagree with them or don't really respect them) because it helps them and ultimately helps everyone else if it's easier to function better in society or within a group.
He's probably thinking it through logically. To me, it still makes sense that people have to earn my respect, but as I've got older I've learned that, even though to me that is still true, I can't really put that into practice because it causes more problems than it solves.
I hope what I said made sense. It's nearly 6am here and I'm tired so that was all probably very incoherant:D
Good luck with your son anyway, you will probably find he grows out of this with some assistance. |
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joshsmom4
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: May 08, 2007
Posts: 69
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| Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 12:53 am Post subject: |
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Thanks You were very coherent or I am just as tired!
Hopefully he will grow out of it, cause right now He's gonna find out what a hard time is!! |
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willem
Winner of 1 Aspiggie!!!
Joined: Apr 07, 2007
Posts: 1510
Location: Cascadia
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| Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 12:59 am Post subject: Re: My Aspie teen has a god complex |
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Your son does not have a god complex, he perceives persons of "authority" as having a god complex for placing themselves above him while clearly they are simple humans just like him. As your son grows older, he will learn to fake "respect" for such people when this is absolutely necessary for his own good, and otherwise he will ignore them and avoid their presence as much as possible.
_________________
There is nothing that is uniquely and invariably human. |
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gwenevyn
asdf forever
Joined: May 07, 2007
Posts: 6179
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| Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 2:52 am Post subject: |
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I would like to echo Soph. She gave some very solid advice.
I remember verbalizing this feeling to my father when I was only about six years old. My quiet nature really saved me later on in school, because if I'd had fewer inhibitions, I would have probably gotten into big trouble. Sounds like your son is more outspoken, so hopefully the points Soph made will appeal to his sense of practicality and self-interest while maturity is taking its natural course. |
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Yasmine
Snowy Owl
Joined: May 23, 2007
Age: 19
Posts: 140
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| Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 4:38 am Post subject: |
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i think i can have tendensies for this too.. i can be rather dismissive of persons of authority, but i've always been polite about it. like i don't really care what you say, but don't take it personal. of course some can take it personal but that's not my problem. i think it stems from always having been alittle misjuged by adults (besides family). it's the feeling, well the adults never gotten anything so why should i listen, what makes them right now?
demanding respect also sounds like a defence meccanisme, defining his own values, placing his before the others..( but don't listen to closely to me, don't know)
perhaps yo ucan remind him that he is not in a position to argue. that he is forgetting that in this society he is the one that has to earn their respect first.. so that he later in life can come to a position where he earns respect |
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girl7000
Majestic Eagle Owl
Joined: Mar 11, 2007
Posts: 1263
Location: Somewhere in the Atlantic
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| Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 5:11 am Post subject: |
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I agree with willem and Sopho.
I had problems with this too when I was younger. It didn't seem logical to me to trust and respect an adult just because they are an adult!
Some adults can be bad and immoral, and generally behave in a way that is not worthy of respect.
I think the main thing would be to say to your son that whilst he makes a valid point, it would be of benefit to him and those around him if he would adopt an 'innocent until proven guilty' approach.
This has worked for me, and although I am still very cynical and slow to trust people, I will show them respect until such a time as their actions give me a good reason not to respect them anymore. |
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cognizant
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: May 24, 2007
Posts: 189
Location: Ukraine
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| Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 5:16 am Post subject: Re: My Aspie teen has a god complex |
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| joshsmom4 wrote: | | Maybe someone with AS can help me!! My 16 yo son is being very disrespectful to anyone in authority that is not me or my partner. He always tells me that the adult has to "earn" his respect and he won't listen or do what others tell him until then. |
Maybe it is not linked with AS directly. People sometimes decide that I’m disrespectful but I rare said a word where it was expressed directly.
Is what is in this article sounds fimiliar to you? "You Owe Me! Children of Entitlement" by Lynne Namka |
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Esperanza
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 11, 2007
Posts: 885
Location: Karazhan
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| Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 6:37 am Post subject: |
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I was the same way, and frankly I somewhat still am at the age of 27. The article was interesting- I didn't read the whole thing but I skimmed it and read bits and pieces. It doesn't really describe me. I have never been very demanding. I simply don't have much respect for people who assume they have authority over me when they have not earned my respect. It's like Willem said.
Why should any of us at any age bow to the will or whim of someone else just because he or she is older or in a "position of authority"? The whole position of authority argument makes very little sense to me.
Take police officers as an example. I have known several in my life. In my experience, some police officers are intelligent, hard-working and respectable people. Others are brutish fools with a lust for power. Why should I treat a brutish fool with a lust for power with any kind of respect just because he carries a title that he probably got just so he could push people around? Sorry, but I have integrity.
Police officers, school principals, teachers, and bosses at work always have my obedience when their orders are legitimate. They do not have my respect unless they earn it. (Is it possible that these people your son is disrespecting are doing something to lose his respect, such as ignoring him or treating him poorly?)
I don't think this is a God complex. For millennia, human beings and their kin have lived in groups. These groups have always had leaders. Human beings are evolved and conditioned to respect and obey anyone who appears to be in a position of authority. We are also evolved and conditioned to desire freedom. If no one ever stood up for their dignity and autonomy, the world would be full of nothing but petty tyrants and miserable slaves.
Aspies might be a little clumsier at it than the average person, but there is nothing wrong with challenging the status quo.
Especially at his age, it is natural and fair for your son to question authority. |
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ster
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 24, 2005
Posts: 2444
Location: new england
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| Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 7:10 am Post subject: |
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| i've been there, unfortunately, with my son......he's gotten better, though. we pointed out that he doesn't have to like the person in authority~ he just has to put up with them until he gets home. |
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aspymom
Butterfly
Joined: May 11, 2007
Posts: 14
Location: Eugene, Oregon
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| Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 7:54 pm Post subject: Been There |
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This really is a social issue. Aspies are literal, and see no reason to "fake" emotions and opinions. My daughter has insulted just about every person within a 300 mile radius, altho she would vehemently disagree. You just have to be a broken record, and keep telling him that humans don't always verbalize their less than high opinions of others. I find that, if I listen to my daughter's reasons for her ouburst or downright refusal to tow the line, I can try to see it from her perspective. I might not agree, but we can talk about how she might handle it without losing her dignity, and/or getting in trouble about it.
School is a huge area of contention, and some teachers are real jerks, but I insist that she understand that her outburts might feel good in the moment, but in the long run are not beneficial. It's taken many years, but she is starting to get it.
Of course, there are those times that no amount of discussion is going to budge her stubborn opinion. If I feel she is being unreasonable, and I have some control, I won't allow her to attend a certain activity, or worse, bring her home. Be prepared for an embarrassing meltdown, because it's a lot like dealing with a toddler having a tantrum.
Your son will compare you to the so called "jerks" that are ruining his life, but that's OK. You are the mom, and all kids need boundaries. Don't be afraid that you are damaging his psyche. The sooner he learn that everyone has limits, like it or not, the better prepared he will be for adulthood. |
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Peony
Butterfly
Joined: Mar 09, 2007
Posts: 12
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| Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 11:31 am Post subject: |
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There is a big difference between respect and tolerance. Respect is something deeper. Tolerance will get him what he wants and not piss off the adults. That's what I have learned and what I teach my kids.
"You don't have to like someone but sometimes you have to put up with them, and hopefully they will do the same for you." |
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CockneyRebel
Sid The Love Rat is a Sweet Pea :O)
Joined: Jul 18, 2004
Age: 34
Posts: 21178
Location: Out in the evening, with me two best Rat Mates :O)
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| Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 2:21 pm Post subject: |
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| I was a very respectful teen, so I can't really help you with this. |
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joshsmom4
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: May 08, 2007
Posts: 69
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| Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2007 3:06 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you all!!!! This has helped immeasurably. I needed to hear (read) that there is support out there somewhere, since my 16 yo s says he hates me ( soo NT!!).
Will try a few of your suggestions. Tolerance instead of respect really made sense to me, and hopefully will to him. Especially since I have never fully understood His definition of respect.
Thanks, again! Will keep you posted. |
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meru
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: May 22, 2007
Posts: 50
Location: ...confused...I guess.....?
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| Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2007 4:42 pm Post subject: |
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What?....I started doing that when I was 15, and I still do it...4 years later.
If I don't respect someone, then they've lost their right to "govern" and if they can't govern because I won't listen then it makes sense that they can't punish or take away privileges. It'd be kinda hard to do that to someone who won't listen right? And whats this about tolerating someone who won't show me some kindness (which is just about the same as respect in my head). If they're going to put me down, make me feel lesser, make my life hard, then they don't respect me. And they're being mean/not nice. And just because their in a position of authority, doesn't mean their immune to the same from me. If they earn my respect by accepting me, and helping me by sometimes explaining what they mean exactly (and sometimes several times) then that's good. And I'll do the same things for them.
Lots of hugs from certain people work too!
What I don't understand, if I follow this logic, is why I have to tolerate someone who won't respect me. That just puts undue stress on me to try to make this person, who makes my life miserable, comfortable. WTF!!! I don't, shouldn't (and no, i usually don't) accomodate them. It makes no sense to me. Just because they're "authority" yea...well that can be changed Very quickly.
And before you brought this up, I would just make this person miserable in return. They can't do much, though, If I don't listen. Sure...."take away" privileges. Won't do any good if I'm not listening...and "respecting". I'll just make you "uncomfortable". And then I'll bring it up 12 years later, when I know you won't remember.
Before anyone asks, yes this has mostly (85-90% of the time) worked. It's when they start using this logic against me that It doesn't. Errr....what I mean by that is that I don't win. it's a tie at that point.
K....So can someone explain this stuff, pretty please?  |
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