Hi from someone who is very confused

Moriath · Tufted Titmouse Joined: Jun 14, 2007 Age: 35 Posts: 30

This could turn out to be a long post and it could possibly be very rambling.

I am not sure if I could have Aspergers or not but a lot of the symptoms seem to fit and the more I think about it the more they fit and explain periods of my life. Maybe you guys and girls could help me out a little and tell me what you think.

Even as a child I was always socially awkward and neeer really had many friends .. more like a small group of people I hung around with reather than large groups of friends that everyone else seemed to have. I would be the one that got one or 2 cards at Xmas where everyone else in School was getting piles and piles.

Around the time I was changing from prrimary to secondary school I have a lot of unexplained stomach aches and nervousness and going to school when I was younger would always be a very nervous anxious experience, feeling sick and not wanting to go. I was bullied most of Secondary school on and off and never really fit in and didnt go to parties etc I felt more at home with my computer and playing video games and watching TV. Then towards the end of secondary school I had a big bout of depression and it took a lot to get me out of that and moving on to the real world. A lot of pushing from my parents to get out there and get a job etc etc.

I had to develop strategies and schemes as to how I could cope in social situations I had a list of subjects that I would scroll through in my head to see if I could fit them into the conversations but more often than not when it was just a one on one conversation it would be a lot of awkward silences. I felt much more comfortable with talking in a group of 3 or more as the convesation could continue without me and I could just chip in every now and then to appear as though I was still included.

I also seem to have these invisible barriers that I have to push through in order to do things that I havent done before. Instead of just getting on and doing something or going and asking a person a question I have a mental block that requires a lot of pushing to get through to get things that are out of the normal run of the mill done. Its very frustrating.

Now I am 34 and I guess things have got harder over the last few years. I have a job in IT and been in the same company for the last 10 years. However 6 years ago my father died and I had a problem from then going to new places and doing new things outside the usual routine. I get very anxious if I do. I can train myself if you like if I do something a few times to become more accepting of it but the first time its nearly impossible without drugs to calm me down. I have been through the usual anti depressants, CBT etc but it didnt seem to help much so i began tryng to look for another explanation.

Its feels wierd because I dont seem to have empathy with others, I am very intelligent, I have an IT degree and seem to learn things fairly easily and not really had to revise for exams etc. But when people see scenes of people starving to death in Aftrica or a natural disaster or something and they seem touched by the suffering of others I cant relate to that feeling at all.

Well I could go on and on and on i guess but that shows a flavour of me and what I am thinking. I would be greatful for your thoughts and will happily answer questions if it helps to reach some sort of conclusion.

I guess I am trying to decide if to approach my doctor to see if I can get some sort of diagnosis and I dont want to waste anyone time so want to try and convince myself this is where I fit in before I go down that route.

Thanks for reading this far its been quite a trip for me at least Smile