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stalker_of_thoughts
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 21, 2007
Posts: 91
Location: germany
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 Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 8:34 am Post subject: emotional self experimantation |
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So here I am writing obout something I thought Iīd newer tell anyone, at least not in detail.
The reason I thought so , and still some part of me sais I should not , is that I still am not sure if the experiment did any long term harm to me. Therefore I hope you all will treat it with the care an resposible adult would have , maybe even with more.
I still decided to post my "problem" because I realy want to know if what I did was good or not , and if I should tell anyone how it works , or no one at all.
What happened:
One late day several years ago , when I was still in my teens , I simply couldnīt compryhend why my father at times has these outbursts of emotianal and verbal agression (not physical though). So I lay in bed thinking of a way to understand him better, while being emotionaly hurt that is. My thoughts were "I donīt have these. Why does he ?" and "Can I cause these emotions aswell ?".
And so I tried to cause some emotions.I tried with two kinds of emotions, positive and negative. The positive I caused through simply envisioniong things that a precive as good , nice , pretty and so on. That all while trying to recieve as much feelings as I can embracing them and trying to invite them.
The result far surpased what I imagined and subjective seconds later I`ve been about to laugh manicaly and had tears of joy for the first , and maybe last , time of my life.
The other part went as easyly, thinking af all darknes , evel , egoism , stuff i dislike , agression , sadness , whatever has a dark feeling with it you normaly tend to avoid. I embraced it , not because I wanted them , but to feel them intensively , and it worked.
Again only seconds after I was about to cry from anger , sadness ,and the knowledge the world isnīt even close to how it should be to be good. It didnīt lead me to acts of aggresion , as I was lying in my bed and was to buissy thinking of myself and not of others, the thought of suicide did only cross my mind for a splitsecond , as I dismissed any such "experiment" a long time ago (or at least a year ago), the I had a overwhelming urge to make myself as small as I could to disapear there and never ever to have anything to do with the world , with any part of the world , at all.
At that point I started to leed myself out of the emotional abys in much the same way I went from good to bad, I tried to grab any non dark thought out their and tried to escape my feelings as soon as I could.
Well It kind of worked as several years pased since then I still ainīt sure if that experiment helped me.
On the one end I got great conlrol over my feelings, if i donīt want to be angry , still feel it rising , even if only a tiny little bit, i just kill it off. I donīt let emotions like sadness or anger come at me. And as soon as I realized I had depressions ,which took my month to realise , I switched them of just by the thought of not wanting them and the thought that I well know that Iīm not wore than most of humanity , am smart , smarter then most , and have no real reason to be depressed anyway as I have a pretty comforting live.
Iīm sure many out there would gladly kill for such a "gift" as they suffer from agression ar bepression, and have trouble living a decent life because of it, but my problem is this.
I donīt know if it lead to the fact that thinks that are supposed to make one cry lead me to think , how did that happen , who might have caused that and why do beople bother with being sad at all.
Iīve gotten emotionaly cold as I often surpress any kind of emotion to a state that I have close to non feelings , positive and negative.
I know this experimant might if not in the right way used cause people to kill semethelver , or others , and do whatever they are never ever suposed to do , so I hesitaded to tell anyone about this , even and espacialy my closesed friends, as I donīt know if it did any dammage to me and I consider myself emotionly very stable.
So has anyone ever had done something similar before ?
If not please wait with experimenting till you read any feedback here, as Iīm serious that it might unsafe.
Please post your personal experience or , if not , your oppinion here. And donīt try at home till you are 100% safe you know what you do.
Another thing I tried not long ago was to test my "astetic sense for music" as I found it was supposed to be an asperger traid.
I tried to dropp my emotional barrier and not get it up that fast again , and was amazed how strongly music could touch me, as I didnīt experience anything like that at any given time with musik as my first experiences with musik were kind of forced.
I was close to being manic again and while reading the AS article I had to stopp several times to "fix" my emotions that were going out of control. |
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Claradoon
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 24, 2006
Posts: 1330
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 10:11 am Post subject: |
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wow i don't know why but reading that triggered a panic attack, i took a happy pill, what you say is familiar, gotta go now.
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Claradoon
http://www.ptsdinfo.net |
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Claradoon
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 24, 2006
Posts: 1330
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 10:14 am Post subject: |
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just remembered Carl Jung said do *not* mess with imagining/pretending if you're not 100% solid about reality.
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Claradoon
http://www.ptsdinfo.net |
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Mikka
Blue Jay
Joined: Sep 26, 2006
Posts: 91
Location: The Silver State
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| Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 10:56 am Post subject: |
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I believe that some people wrestle with why they themselves react the way they do and you've certainly provided detail of an interesting experiment. My questions are now these, and I hope they help you determine if you think the experiment was beneficial or not:
How long in approximate time did you dedicate your mind to good thoughts vs. negative ones?
How much certainty did you have before you started that you could pull yourself out of the negative thoughts to give yourself balance afterwards?
You say that you are now cold. Do you think that what you describe as cold is a problem for others or does the opinion of others about your emotional state even matter at all?
What I see you describe is basically what some cultures call emotional enlightenment. You are the owner of all feelings and have the power to distribute them as you see fit. If you feel that it is a good thing to be in control of your own emotions, which a lot of folks do, then I'm not sure how you can say that your experiment wasn't beneficial - especially because you've been able to maintain control even in depression since then.
A few more questions in a bit - I need to take a drive to get some clarity - also to drop my kids off at their grandmas and go to work.
Interesting, interesting post. Thank you for sharing. |
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stalker_of_thoughts
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 21, 2007
Posts: 91
Location: germany
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| Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 11:18 am Post subject: |
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The time spend in positive and negative thoughts was not that long actualy, some seconds I guess , less then a minute.
certainty ? .. donīt know .. wasnīt sure .. was do deep into the experiment .. as I realised it could go wrong and I might be able not to come back I started to fight for my emotional balace .. wasnīt sure Iīd reach it , but didnīt think about that , as it was the only thing I could try.
Calms me down to know it could be a good thing in the long run.
But as Claradoon said Carl Jung said , got to be very cautious with that, as you absolutly have to know where to return to. |
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unnamed
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 27, 2007
Posts: 622
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| Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 12:40 pm Post subject: |
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| I think I understand what you mean. We aspies tend to not be able to recognize and define our own feelings, much less make sense out of NTs' emotional outbursts. I too went through many years of "trying on" emotions I'd observed in other people, both IRL and in books, movies, music, etc. I thought it was the right thing to do at the time, because I didn't know I had AS. I only thought that there was something wrong with me, and that I could "fix" myself by searching until I found the right emotional components in others, and then constructing them into a whole persona for myself. I can now conclude that it was a big mistake. I think that aspies should always be honest with our feelings (or lack thereof). Faking emotions, or "trying them on" as you and I have done, is disrespectful to ourselves and does nothing for our relationships with other people. When we do this, we're not giving them ourselves, we're giving them a pile of junk that we've constructed, thinking that it's going to make us a whole or real person. We're already whole and real. Feel your own feelings as they come, observe them, and learn from them. Don't ever let feelings turn into destructive acts toward yourself or others, of course. But at the same time, never try to replace your own genuine feelings with fake ones. You'll find yourself lost in a maze that way, and sometimes it's really hard to find your way back. |
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Mikka
Blue Jay
Joined: Sep 26, 2006
Posts: 91
Location: The Silver State
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| Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 2:07 pm Post subject: |
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I guess I'm posting from a point of not knowing how to cope with everyone elses feelings, let alone my own. stalker_of_thoughts seems to have offered an idea about how to get feelings in check - but i see unnameds point too. I've spent many hours arguing with people who thought I was only trying to be a people pleaser rather than just being myself - my truth is that others can't handle my emotions and still remain my friends with me. Since friends are few and far between for me, I have to hide the emotions, risk being accused of being a people pleaser, and this seems like a way to do that for me.
I understand it's dangerous and I haven't decided to do it or not - I'd need to do a lot more research first, but it's something I hadn't thought of.
... still confused and not doing anything. It's all based on the fact that I don't like too many people but still for some reason feel the need to have at least a handful around who are not attacking me. I honestly don't mind being alone but I still need love or friendship every day.
My additional questions are these:
What process do you go through when you need to pull yourself out of depressing thoughts? Is it simply to start counting your blessings, so to speak?
Is there any reason ever to make yourself think depressing thoughts?
(By the way Hollywood actors and actresses might gain a lot from these techniques)
... still thinking but checking in at break time. |
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unnamed
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 27, 2007
Posts: 622
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| Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 2:42 pm Post subject: |
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| Mikka, I'd personally say that there's no need to deliberately force yourself to think depressing thoughts - most of us have them eventually, whether we want to or not. I'd say that when you do get them, just look at them and let yourself feel them without trying to either dwell on them or get rid of them. Just try to understand where they're coming from and why. I think that's the first step to understanding yourself better and showing yourself some respect. I understand that the "think happy thoughts" school of thought has its place, but sometimes that just stalls your own personal growth toward self-awareness. Personally I'm sick of faking any kind of feeling. |
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Mikka
Blue Jay
Joined: Sep 26, 2006
Posts: 91
Location: The Silver State
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| Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 3:19 pm Post subject: |
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Even feeling my own emotions is painful - watching someone else have them is difficult at best. I end up throwing a barrage of "why" at the other person and they don't like that very much. My husband can only take so much of me asking why he loves me. He ends up grabbing me by the shoulders (gently) making me look him in the eyes and telling me to believe him rather than asking why.
I think this thread could give me a way to be numb which may or may not be what I want - but I like the fact that an experiment exists. Being numb could be the answer to not feeling what everyone else is throwing at me or it may not - this seems to me like it gives me more of a choice than what I'm doing now. Choices are good.
When I'm mad - people don't like me - when I'm sad - people don't like me - when I'm bouncy people don't like me - when I'm (insert emotion) ... if the goal in life is to get a handful of people as a support system, my current means of people pleasing aren't working and from childhood experience neither were my means of expressing emotions immediately when they happened - all that did was make my parents, teachers, and fellow students reject me as being too thin skinned, someone who had to be coddled, and someone who asks too many questions.
I don't want to fake them anymore either - I just want them to go away. |
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stalker_of_thoughts
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 21, 2007
Posts: 91
Location: germany
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| Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 9:09 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | We're already whole and real. Feel your own feelings as they come, observe them, and learn from them. Don't ever let feelings turn into destructive acts toward yourself or others, of course. But at the same time, never try to replace your own genuine feelings with fake ones. You'll find yourself lost in a maze that way, and sometimes it's really hard to find your way back. |
Thanks unnamed, your words ring of truth and wisdom.
| Quote: | | What process do you go through when you need to pull yourself out of depressing thoughts? Is it simply to start counting your blessings, so to speak? |
If counting your belessing means pray , I didnīt as Iīm no religious person and so for me it would be rather counterproductive.
I wasnīt sure I could back as I dived into emotional darkness , but to return I had no choise but to give my all.
So as long as you have a strong will to live, or someting you defenetly donīt want to youse you might be on the ??save?? side.
I youīre religious and your faith is pure and strong that might help aswell , but I ainīt no specialist on the power of faith , so I wouldnīt dare to try it out even if my life depended on(well at least your mental live could).
If you think you can riskt it and youīve got a strong urge to understand yourself better that you canīt resist ?
Canīt stop you , your old enough , but know youīve been warned.
| Quote: |
Is there any reason ever to make yourself think depressing thoughts? |
Well , as at time Iīm painfully honest and I think mature people should get the best kind of infomation there is so they can make their mind up whatīs best for them, Iīll say it.
I did have a reason , donīt do much without it.
Mine was , as I said , a strong urge to understand feeling of those close to me , and the whole of humanity aswell.
Sure in that way it did make sense , and even if I would know the risks I wouldnīt stop myself, as I was at an age the risk might lead me to even stronger and therefore more dangerous experimentation.(was a teen at that time)
If you want to understand all kinds of feelings you have take all into account. If youīre interested in the darker emotions you wonīt possibly be able to avoid them.
Further reasoning for this experiment , and aswell with trying out the darker emotions would be if you are terribly bored and just absolutly have to try out this "esoteric" mind game that yoiuīre told is risky.
Do not hope anyone here is in that kind of mindset , cause if heīd be heīd be in the most dangerous mental situation I could immagine and heīd have the worst kind of mindset to avoid permanent damage.
So plese donīt tell any dump and bored teen about this , even if you want to take revenge , as I who posted this would feel like the creator of the atomic bomb.
The first reason if obviously better than the second , but non the less the second does exsist.
Other reasons might be a stupid bet, or the strong urge to "prove" ones mental power and to disprove itīs dangerous at all.
The wish for emetional suicide could be a reason aswell , never heard of anyone trying that , but as they might not be able to tell afterwords you canīt realy count that out. So donīt tell anyone youīd expect he might be in this state.
As for you there might be the reason that one might be dissatisfied with their own emotions and wants to change them , or at least decrease them. This experiment might help with that , but aswell be warned, unnamed said better words for this then I ever will find , and I agree that we are not as bad as it seems. Dissatisfaction is not the best start if you know youīve got to return , as it might throw you in pretty hard into it, this experiment increases the emotions , and that haopens pretty fast.
Other reasons might exist , many not with a high properbility , but as there are billions of people out there you might find some with totaly different reasons.
The other side might seem less dangerous , but might therefore be even more so , as one might underestimate that part.
The risk ?
Never wanting to leave the happy emotions again.
You know what being manic means ?
Those people are considered mentaly ill most of the time , and tis experiment might make you to one of the most manic people out there.
So donīt do this if you ainīt 100% sure youīve got a place you realy want to return to, donīt do it if you know youīve got a weak will and might not be able to make it back , and donīt do it to mess with your head or prove anyone , even youself , that you can.
The plus might be worth it , but maybe itīs not.
I created this post for two reasons , first was to know more about the outcome of it, being good or bad.
The second was , if it was more dangerous then helpful, to leave it be , of find a way to compensate for the loss.
If not so that responsible people can use it to become better people and to have greater contol over ther emotions , outbreakes or even meltdowns.
If anyone did this , or a similar mind openig experiment feel free to post it here , as it could widen our knowledge of ourselves and of others , and about the risks aswell as the possible gain. |
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unnamed
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 27, 2007
Posts: 622
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| Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 10:24 pm Post subject: |
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I think this post was a great idea. This whole concept has been churning around in my mind for a long time. My experiment lasted 16 years, ever since my step-brother was killed in a hunting accident back in 1990. At that point I just sent myself straight to hell in my mind, and I stayed there until I was able to start pulling myself out after being diagnosed with AS. The diagnosis both told me why I'd done this to myself, and gave me permission to stop doing it. All my life I'd been told what a cold, unfeeling person I was, because of the unusual way I reacted to other people's emotions. So when my step-brother was killed, I felt such hell inside that I just wanted to stay there. I spent 10 years reading every Russian novel I could find, literally bashing my brains with the most squalid emotional misery ever written. And it ended up having the opposite effect of what I was trying for: I'd wanted to develop more feelings for people, and instead it killed off most of what little I'd started with. It's taken me over a year of counseling to even start to open up to people again, much less actually "feel" like myself again, whoever she is.
So yeah, tread cautiously in this department. It's not for everyone. I learned a lot, but I wish I hadn't. |
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MysteryFan3
Ex-COBOL dinosaur. roar.
Joined: Jun 09, 2007
Age: 51
Posts: 1358
Location: Indiana
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| Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 10:53 pm Post subject: |
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Something I hadn't thought of before this thread - we tend to try to model our emotional reactions after the people around us. The problem is, our brains are different, so the emotional reactions are, too. Still, it's only by experiencing ourselves in different ways that we finally come to understand who we are, whether Aspie or NT.
The fact that you started this thread shows that you are far from emotionally cold. You shared some hard-earned wisdom on here. Thank you.
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To eliminate poverty, you have to eliminate at least three things: time, the bell curve and the Pauli Exclusion Principle. Have fun. |
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unnamed
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 27, 2007
Posts: 622
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| Posted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 11:02 am Post subject: |
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| I agree! Thanks, stalker of thoughts. |
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