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blackcat
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 17, 2006
Age: 17
Posts: 679
Location: Within my own mind in an attempt to escape this world we live in.
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 Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 2:42 pm Post subject: I don't really know what to,uh,.....do. |
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Lately it has become increasingly difficult to tolerate others being near me. Maybe it's the lack of being around touchy feely ppl for 8 hours a day 5 days a week(school is out). But I just cannot handle it....I need some me time. My sister is the type that always wants to be with someone. She can never be along. I was the total opposite at that age.....Anyway,my mom doesn't really feel well(she is.....prenant)and sends her(my sister) in my direction when she gets too rough(my sister doesn't seem to understand that jumping on ppl and hitting them may actually hurt). I don't want her,or anyone else,near me right now. I don't want her in here touching me and grabing me and trying to hug me and licking me and biting me and then screaming for an hour when I finally tell her to stop. I am sick of trying to deal with her tantrums. If I ignore her I get in trouble(apparently ignoring her is mistreating her)or she comes and gets right in my face and screams until I acknowledge her. As I type this she is kicking my door and shrieking in an attempt to force her way in...the noise is really irksome to say the least. The sound of her screaming makes me want to stab myself in the eardrums.
Lately my mom is very needy. I cannot do much of anything for her constant bothering. She won't leave me alone. I know she's pregnant and I should help out but the thing is she was constantly calling me for stupid things(like getting the remote for her when it's right there!!!)looooong befor hand. I never get anytime to myself so I can just relax. I stay up late(until 4ish am)not only because I hate sleeping(I have a lot of nightmares) but because early in the morning when everyone else is asleep is the only time I get to myself. Now she has a problem with me staying up late because I won't get up until 11ish which means she has to be the one to feed my sister and give her a bath. It doesnt seem fair to me that I have to be so responsible.....but anyway.She calls me to do things so much that I have been back and forth typing this for nearly an hour now. I am not allowed to give any sign that I do not like her constant bothering.....she has already made that clear. Any time I seem annoyed she goes on about how ungreat ful I am and how she did things for me when I was little....Okey.1)She is 34 and there for not little,2)I am her child there for she really had no choice. If she didnt wanna take care of me she shouldn't have had me,and 3)I spent the vast majority of my childhood living with my grandparents.She didn't do much of anything. I still rember crying on my birthday because she didn't even call.....anyway.....I need advise. Does anyone know what I should do? Is there anyway to suddenly make my self wann be around ppl and not be bothered by constant inturruption? Thanks in advance,
Blackcat.
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SteveK
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 20, 2006
Posts: 3417
Location: Chicago, IL
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| Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 3:09 pm Post subject: |
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Blackcat,
WOW! I wished to have siblings, and it looks like you're getting a lot. I hate to say it, but it sounds like, planned or not, you are being placed into the stereotypical big family. They have a kid, and that is IT, and then when the child is around 14 or so, they start having a lot more kids. The older ends up helping them take care of the others. Oh yeah, the older is almost always female!(not that it matters, just an interesting bit of trivia).
Your mother probably has the old "mother deserves" attitude. YOU KNOW, where she figures YOU owe it to her because SHE was in labor with you, and takes care of you.
Since she is pregnant, she doesn't feel like getting up to get the control, so she has YOU do it. If it wasn't YOU, she might have your father do it.
MY suggestions?
1. Get a lanyard or someting to hange the remote over her neck. She MIGHT take that as an insult or bad attitude on YOUR part, but it WOULD help.
2. See if you can explain to your sister, and maybe get some backup from your mother. ALSO, GET EARPLUGS!
3. Try to get a realistic, seemingly important, reason to leave for a while.
Sorry I can't help more, or that this is too obvious. And I AM serious. I have these SAME problems! The ONLY difference here between you and me is that I can usually have some time in quiet. That isn't always precisely on my terms though. I have the SAME hatred of being touched, sensitivity to sound, being tasked without consent, etc... as you. 
Look at the bright side. If you are LUCKY, it will only be about 14 months from conception to SOME relief. REMEMBER though, they will probably want you to be a babysitter for another 6 years or so.
BTW I have ALSO known several families that started out like yours. I think they were all NT though. Usually, the oldest isn't crazy about it.
Steve |
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beautifulspam
Deinonychus
Joined: Apr 19, 2007
Posts: 367
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| Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 3:29 pm Post subject: |
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If I were you I wouldn't try reasoning with your mother. Until you move out, she's going to feel that your time is her time.
So tell her you're working late every night this week. After work, sneak off to a coffee house, take a book or laptop with you, and chill.
If you're old enough you might even think about telling them you have to work saturday and checking into a cheap hotel room for the day.
Last edited by beautifulspam on Sun Jun 24, 2007 3:37 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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nobodyzdream
Whistling in the dark...
Joined: Apr 24, 2007
Age: 28
Posts: 1935
Location: St. Charles, MO-USA
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| Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 3:31 pm Post subject: |
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Is it possible that she is upset and acting out more than usual because she is used to having mommy do everything for her? That's a pretty big change in environment and how things are going. Before she was pregnant, did your sister get a LOT of one on one time with her doing things? Has she ever had to be independent in entertaining herself?
It sounds awful, but my 2 year old is like that, and the way I get around it is just by remembering if I do what she wants for a bit, she will eventually get bored and be quiet. It's either have her on my lap until she gets bored, or listen to her scream at the top of her lungs. Choose your method, but choose it wisely, and try to set some sort of limits. Mine isn't talking yet, but she sure does understand most of what is being said to her. She gets a warning when her tantrums start (as they are very often unnecessary and a negative way to deal with things-a 3 year old throwing a tantrum is one thing, but just think of what she will be like once she is 13-14), and if she continues, she has to go to time out for 2 minutes, then she has to say she is sorry, give hugs to whoever she wasn't listening to, and then she goes and finds something to play with. This is also teaching her patience-her tantrums have slimmed down to an extent.
I surely would hope that your mother wouldn't object to you putting your sister in timeout for plain unruly behavior...sure, youngins are prone to tantrums, but kicking the door??? -if she does, ask her what she thinks about a teenager acting the SAME WAY due to lack of discipline for it. AS or not, she still needs to learn the basics, and sitting in class and throwing a royal tantrum just because she had to stop coloring is going to cause a lot more problems later on than having to "feel bad" for putting her into time out-maybe it will get to the point where she at least doesn't let it out so angrily even if it doesn't ease the frustration for her. I know from experience, and recently had to demand people stop spoiling my 2 year old. There is also the issue of how is she going to learn boundaries with people if they are never taught. If everyone is forced to give into her, and do what she wants just because of a tantrum, she will never grow out of it, she won't have many friends most likely, she will probably be labelled as a troublemaker, and she will have no idea about personal space at all because she's never been given limits.
My son has had the threat of being removed from several daycares-not due to lack of discipline, but they don't care about that... they only see the surface behavior. We are working on methods for him to cope as well so that he is not always in trouble and I'm not always being called to attend lovely meetings with teachers. He is 5 now. I still throw tantrums sometimes, as well, lol, but have found other ways to deal with it.
Btw, I do think it's unfair you are being put into the position that you are being forced into in the first place, but at least sit down and talk with your mom about some ways to establish boundaries. She is pregnant, doesn't feel like listening to the tantrums I'm sure, and probably can't exactly move around comfortably to deal with them, but if the responsibility is going to be laid on you, you should have some say in it as well. Maybe that will at least ease your mind a little bit to have some control in a situation that seemingly is out of control... and something I learned with my children-always stay calm, try not to raise your voice. My son looks at me with a blank stare if I yell (something I'm trying to get under control myself), but his behavior often gets worse because my yelling is pretty much encouraging it. Take 5 if you have to, and tell her again why not to do something, tell her that you are not going to do things for/with her until she calms down, then set an example yourself and try to find a focus elsewhere at least until she calms down (I have a spot on the wall I stare at).
sorry so long
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blackcat
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 17, 2006
Age: 17
Posts: 679
Location: Within my own mind in an attempt to escape this world we live in.
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| Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 4:27 pm Post subject: |
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| nobodyzdream wrote: | Is it possible that she is upset and acting out more than usual because she is used to having mommy do everything for her? That's a pretty big change in environment and how things are going. Before she was pregnant, did your sister get a LOT of one on one time with her doing things? Has she ever had to be independent in entertaining herself?
It sounds awful, but my 2 year old is like that, and the way I get around it is just by remembering if I do what she wants for a bit, she will eventually get bored and be quiet. It's either have her on my lap until she gets bored, or listen to her scream at the top of her lungs. Choose your method, but choose it wisely, and try to set some sort of limits. Mine isn't talking yet, but she sure does understand most of what is being said to her. She gets a warning when her tantrums start (as they are very often unnecessary and a negative way to deal with things-a 3 year old throwing a tantrum is one thing, but just think of what she will be like once she is 13-14), and if she continues, she has to go to time out for 2 minutes, then she has to say she is sorry, give hugs to whoever she wasn't listening to, and then she goes and finds something to play with. This is also teaching her patience-her tantrums have slimmed down to an extent.
I surely would hope that your mother wouldn't object to you putting your sister in timeout for plain unruly behavior...sure, youngins are prone to tantrums, but kicking the door??? -if she does, ask her what she thinks about a teenager acting the SAME WAY due to lack of discipline for it. AS or not, she still needs to learn the basics, and sitting in class and throwing a royal tantrum just because she had to stop coloring is going to cause a lot more problems later on than having to "feel bad" for putting her into time out-maybe it will get to the point where she at least doesn't let it out so angrily even if it doesn't ease the frustration for her. I know from experience, and recently had to demand people stop spoiling my 2 year old. There is also the issue of how is she going to learn boundaries with people if they are never taught. If everyone is forced to give into her, and do what she wants just because of a tantrum, she will never grow out of it, she won't have many friends most likely, she will probably be labelled as a troublemaker, and she will have no idea about personal space at all because she's never been given limits.
My son has had the threat of being removed from several daycares-not due to lack of discipline, but they don't care about that... they only see the surface behavior. We are working on methods for him to cope as well so that he is not always in trouble and I'm not always being called to attend lovely meetings with teachers. He is 5 now. I still throw tantrums sometimes, as well, lol, but have found other ways to deal with it.
Btw, I do think it's unfair you are being put into the position that you are being forced into in the first place, but at least sit down and talk with your mom about some ways to establish boundaries. She is pregnant, doesn't feel like listening to the tantrums I'm sure, and probably can't exactly move around comfortably to deal with them, but if the responsibility is going to be laid on you, you should have some say in it as well. Maybe that will at least ease your mind a little bit to have some control in a situation that seemingly is out of control... and something I learned with my children-always stay calm, try not to raise your voice. My son looks at me with a blank stare if I yell (something I'm trying to get under control myself), but his behavior often gets worse because my yelling is pretty much encouraging it. Take 5 if you have to, and tell her again why not to do something, tell her that you are not going to do things for/with her until she calms down, then set an example yourself and try to find a focus elsewhere at least until she calms down (I have a spot on the wall I stare at).
sorry so long |
No,its always been me giving the attention. She has been doing this since long befor she got pregnant. I have been takeing care of her since she was 6 months. Back then until she wa sabout 2 and a half our mom worked alot and late.
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LadyMacbeth
They made me do it.
Joined: May 28, 2007
Age: 21
Posts: 1550
Location: In the girls toilets at Hogwarts, washing the blood off my hands.
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| Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 6:33 pm Post subject: |
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If she was able to take care of you while you were young, nothing's stopping her from doing it now.
I had the same trouble with my mother and my brother.. I moved out and my fears had come true - he's dropping grades in school and basically doing f**k all. It took me a while to realise that he just isn't MY responsibility.
Just because she's pregnant (HER fault, not YOURS) doesn't mean she has the right to palm her daughter on you. You need to take a stand.
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SteveK
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 20, 2006
Posts: 3417
Location: Chicago, IL
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| Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 8:28 pm Post subject: |
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LadyMacbeth and blackcat,
Just so you realize... I hate this as much as blackcat. I downplayed it too much, but I hate the "mother deserves" attitude as well. If ANYTHING, the CHILD deserves! He or she was brought into this world with no consent, etc... NO kid is really prepared to take care of the kids, and a child with hyper/hypo sensitivities , etc... is even LESS prepared. Blackcat could be HYPO sensitive to cold, for example, and possibly put a sibling into a place where s/he would have trouble. Blackcat could also be HYPER sensitive to cold, and possibly be hindered in following a sibling.
These may not be bad for blackcat alone, or problems, etc... It is unreasonable to task her with the care of a sibling though. Of course, NTs have the SAME problems. I have had to look over groups of kids at least twice as an adult, and HATED it! When I was younger, I even got blamed for what OTHERS did.
Anyway, I don't know why mothers seem to really feel the way they do. The child is a responsibility of THEIRS! Later, if their kids choose, their kids may have kids and THEN they would be responsible!
As I implied, albeit weakly, some mothers PLAN to do this, and control timing of conception.
Steve |
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nannarob
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 14, 2007
Posts: 1333
Location: Queensland
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| Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2007 8:05 am Post subject: |
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Can you have time out for a few weeks with your grandparents? Then when you are more relaxed can you stay there for some time each week?
You are not your mother's keeper.
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NEVER EVER GIVE UP
I think there must be some chronic learning disability that is so prevalent among NT's that it goes unnoticed by the "experts". Krex
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computerlove
...I feel nostalgia for things i've never known...
Joined: Jul 11, 2006
Posts: 3763
Location: Male, Mexico, Graphic Design
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| Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2007 1:47 pm Post subject: |
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| nannarob wrote: | | You are not your mother's keeper. |
not totally, but it's always good to give something back. Help her a few hours, then take out the stress going out.
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