 
Support Wrong Planet Awareness!
| View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
imipak
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 23, 2007
Age: 39
Posts: 223
Location: Oregon, USA
|
 Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 2:09 am Post subject: How to beat the depression and date? |
 |
|
I'm 37, have dated once with any level of seriousness (dropped) and twice with people who were less in touch with reality than I was at the time - which was impressive. Three tries, three disasters. Over the past decade, I've toyed with the idea of trying again - gone on various dating boards, etc - but you know there's a problem when the spambots are the only ones talking to you.
Now, here's where it gets puzzling. I'm told I look fine, kinda cute, etc. I'm told I'm interesting. I'm told I help other people feel heard. And invariably I'm told that they're not interested.
Depression has always been a big problem for me, but rejection wears you out after a while. Which is why I'll stop for maybe a year or two, until the depression of being alone gets worse than the rejection.
This led me to wonder if I'm chasing after the wrong kind of relationship altogether. Maybe I should let myself slip deeper into obsessions. Problem is, my current obsessions are either totally unachievable or unachievable for at least three or four more years - if I can hold a job that long. It's not a case of being completely spurned - how can the inanimate or theoretical spurn you? - but it it takes its own toll.
And herein lies the problem. Even if the ultimate person were to walk into my life tomorrow, they'd walk out again five seconds later because I'm so down. I make Neil from The Young Ones look happy. Others have almost certainly faced this tangled web of self-flagellation, so how did you get past it enough to find love, life and the Universe? |
|
| Back to top |
|
voss749
Raven
Joined: Apr 04, 2006
Posts: 116
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 2:39 am Post subject: |
|
|
| If depression is a problem then you need to get treated for depression regardless of whether its aspergers related or not |
|
| Back to top |
|
Aspie_Chav
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 07, 2006
Age: 35
Posts: 2136
Location: Croydon
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 3:17 am Post subject: |
|
|
| voss749 wrote: | | If depression is a problem then you need to get treated for depression regardless of whether its aspergers related or not |
Yahh and they can teach you how to servive without love by reading their secret black book that are not available to the public. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Pugly
Man-child diligently becoming a Dude, man
Joined: Jan 10, 2005
Age: 26
Posts: 2567
Location: Wisonsin
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 3:37 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hmm... I believe you have to be comfortable and content with yourself before you can start getting into relationships.
Trying to get into a relationship with the expectation that it will cure some sort of depression can lead to trouble. That's a lot of burden to place on someone else. Unless you find someone equally depressed... then maybe you can help each other. But it's hard to help someone when you have your own problems... and you could just end up making each other more depressed instead of happy.
I've only been in one "relationship" and she expected me to solve all her problems... even before we were anything serious. It was very uncomfortable and I felt put-upon. It's hard to be attracted to someone who puts you in a therapy session every time you talk.
_________________
I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
girl7000
Majestic Eagle Owl
Joined: Mar 11, 2007
Posts: 1263
Location: Somewhere in the Atlantic
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 6:34 am Post subject: |
|
|
I agree that you need to find a way to manage the depression. I have depression to and have done for most of my life. I find that medication helps - although obviously this is completely your decision and I can only speak from my individual experience.
The medication doesn't make the depression magically disappear - but it reduces it to a level where I can function and cope with problems without so much of a struggle and where I am not feeling incredibly low all of the time.
Therapy can help too, although you need to find a therapist who has a good understand of ASDs and experience of working successfully with people on the spectrum.
Perhaps also some social skills classes and relationship classes might help?
I don't know whereabouts in the world you are, but here in the UK the National Autistic Society can give you details of social skills classes in your area, and I know that MIND sometimes run relationship skills calsses. Also Relate might be able to help too, although, again, make sure you speak to someone who understands ASDs.
Good luck, I wish you well. |
|
| Back to top |
|
MrMark
Abstract Data Type
Joined: Jul 04, 2006
Age: 50
Posts: 9867
Location: Tallahassee, FL
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 10:07 am Post subject: |
|
|
Consider Cognitive/Behavioral Therapy and/or medication.
_________________
"As rain falls on the just and the unjust alike, let your heart be untroubled by judgments and let your kindness rain on all."
- from The Zhuang-zi (Chuang Tzu)
|
|
| Back to top |
|
imipak
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 23, 2007
Age: 39
Posts: 223
Location: Oregon, USA
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 12:18 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I appreciate the replies so far. Most have suggested either medication and/or therapy and I'll quickly run through both of these.
First the medication. It is entirely possible that there is a suitable medication I can use. In fact, I'm already on several, including lithium. I have to be very careful here - medications interact and I'm already on four. Experiments on me by various doctors have yielded truly amazing side-effects (including the temporary loss of colour vision at one point) and there is a certain wariness now of risking what is functional, even if the quality is lousy at times. My quality of life is, after all, several orders of magnitude better than it once was.
This is not to say I'd be adverse to adding something new. Frankly, if that would actually work for me, I'd agree to it in a moment. Convincing my doctors, given the track record of side-effects, might be tougher, but if the consensus is that this is still one of the most promising lines of inquiry, then I'd be a fool not to try.
(Personally, I'd prefer it if pharmaceutical companies provided versions of medicines with tracer isotopes, as I suspect this would allow doctors to identify potential value and potential side-effects long before the medicine had built up enough to actually take effect. However, just because I think it's obvious doesn't mean it's obvious to anyone else - or, indeed, even workable.)
Therapy is also an interesting option. I've had less luck here than I have had with meds - this is one of the areas in life where being intelligent is actually a drawback, and being aspie introduces complexities of its own. I have no doubts whatsoever that the right therapist, under the right conditions, could do a lot... provided they were up to the occasional extreme frustration and hair-pulling I can put the poor blighters through.
(Y'know, they should add a session with me to final year psychology practicals. Those who go the full hour without running out screaming get bonus marks.)
I am in no way trying to disparage the options people have put forward. They are very worthy of continued investigation and any eventual solution is going to involve one or both. I don't think that's up for question. These suggestions are correct. The step that has totally eluded me the past ten years is how to get from theory to practice. That last step has me beat, so I'm looking carefully at all the posts in reply to me on this thread for thoughts, ideas or even an off-hand remark that slams on the lightbulb in my brain.
(I won't tempt fate by suggesting that female goths in Portland, OR, who are attracted to depressive sorts would make an alternative remedy.) |
|
| Back to top |
|
AnonymousAnonymous
More Riddler than Joker
Joined: Nov 24, 2006
Age: 18
Posts: 6847
Location: Portland, Oregon
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 2:35 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Medication or a depression support group.
Just a suggestion.
_________________
It's time to introduce a little anarchy. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Aspie_Chav
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 07, 2006
Age: 35
Posts: 2136
Location: Croydon
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 6:28 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Is it wise to generalse lonelyness with depression the dignose them the same.
Dating someone who with cronic loneliness is different then somone with depression.
I have cronic loneliness and when I meet somone who I like, I am not depressed my any stretch of the imagineation.
Somone who suffers depresion will be depressed regardless of who he or she is dating. |
|
| Back to top |
|
imipak
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 23, 2007
Age: 39
Posts: 223
Location: Oregon, USA
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 7:20 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Aspie_Chav wrote: | Is it wise to generalse lonelyness with depression the dignose them the same.
Dating someone who with cronic loneliness is different then somone with depression.
I have cronic loneliness and when I meet somone who I like, I am not depressed my any stretch of the imagineation.
Somone who suffers depresion will be depressed regardless of who he or she is dating. |
Good point. It's sometimes hard to distinguish. In my case, I know that I do have mild/moderate depression, but in theory that is dealt with by the meds, so should (in principle) be ignored. I also know that I've experienced an uncomfortable level of solitary existence for over nine, getting on ten, years. Is that sufficient to establish that this is chronic loneliness, rather than depression?
IMHO, no. No medication is perfect and it is therefore impossible to be 100% certain that what I am experiencing is not actual depression. Furthermore, when you consider the timeframe, I cannot remotely begin to be certain which came first - the feeling or the fact.
However, you may be correct and it would be unwise to not consider that. Of course, my realizing it won't conjure anyone up into my life, so there is an element of how practical the distinction is. Why distinguish between two virtually identical feelings if the outcome would be identical in both cases? On the other hand, my realizing the extent to which this is chronic loneliness offers a possibility of it being cured - a possibility that won't exist if I don't.
Ok, so assuming I can do that, that just leaves me with the task of finding a female aspie who is single, interested, in my area, who would find me interesting, AND who is willing to take the extra time involved in me shedding such excess feelings baggage. That's going to be a real tough challenge, even in Portland OR. It's not like they have any Aspie bars, although they probably should. There are way too many coffee shops. If they converted a couple into Aspie bars, life would be so much easier.
Rephrasing the original question, how do I step out of this lonliness long enough and far enough to meaningfully cure it? Identification alone isn't enough. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Aspie_Chav
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 07, 2006
Age: 35
Posts: 2136
Location: Croydon
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 3:09 am Post subject: |
|
|
| imipak wrote: | | . That's going to be a real tough challenge, even in Portland OR. It's not like they have any Aspie bars, although they probably should. |
Here in Blity there are too many pubs full of anti-intellectuals chavs.At least in coffee bars it is expectable to read a book and has proper lighting. Coffee bars close too early in the evening and they never have any event.
A key workers said having a girlfriend will not solve my problems, but at least I will not feel so depressed that Friday and weekends have no meaning, the sky looks dull on a sunny day.
Life would still have its problem but at least I will face them with excitement. I think I am stronger then you average NT, just not as lippy. |
|
| Back to top |
|
imipak
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 23, 2007
Age: 39
Posts: 223
Location: Oregon, USA
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 1:44 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Aspie_Chav wrote: | | imipak wrote: | | . That's going to be a real tough challenge, even in Portland OR. It's not like they have any Aspie bars, although they probably should. |
Here in Blity there are too many pubs full of anti-intellectuals chavs.At least in coffee bars it is expectable to read a book and has proper lighting. Coffee bars close too early in the evening and they never have any event.
A key workers said having a girlfriend will not solve my problems, but at least I will not feel so depressed that Friday and weekends have no meaning, the sky looks dull on a sunny day.
Life would still have its problem but at least I will face them with excitement. I think I am stronger then you average NT, just not as lippy. |
That one's easier. England's packed with student cities (Manchester has 60,000 University students and 600,000 students of all types) and that means that there are hotspots of geeks and nerds of all kinds. Well, if you're in the right place, that is. That doesn't make it easy to find said hotspots - not all students are intellectuals, although most will be more tolerant and therefore their hangouts will not appeal to yobs, Young Conservatives and National Front types.
England has a history of rogue intellectualism. Did you know Cambridge was founded by students who had fled Oxford to escape the authorities there? Or that the University of Manchester (formerly Owen's College) was founded by Robert Owen, a mill owner who wanted to buck the trend of having unskilled workers by getting them educated?
If there was a country in which aspies, eccentrics, geniuses and mad scientists could get together over a cuppa or a pint, that would be it. If there's no such place already, I'd lay good odds that you could open one and not be able to meet the demand.
In America, there's barely a 10% compliance with the ADA, eccentrics and geniuses are frowned upon (unless they can get rich quick, but it'll still be the money that gets the respect), and mad scientists are likely to get visited by a whole host of three letter agencies. It's a much harder place to be non-conformist, including neurologically, especially these days. It's possible, but it's not trivial either. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Aspie_Chav
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 07, 2006
Age: 35
Posts: 2136
Location: Croydon
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 4:35 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Here in Blity most NTs don’t even know what Aspergery Syndrome is and I can’t get one to use google to find out. They think I am a NT with learning difficulties. They are a right bunch of tossers I tell thee.
In Englind, it is not socially acceptable to be big headed, but being a bad boy is ok. So being confident is ok but it must be done in NT kind of way. Over here, where is the energy and the drive. |
|
| Back to top |
|
imipak
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 23, 2007
Age: 39
Posts: 223
Location: Oregon, USA
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 6:38 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Depends on where you are, when it comes to big-headedness, and that usually only applies to bragging, not knowledge. Yeah, the NTs can be a pain at times, depending on where you are - ignorance is considered bliss in many places (which is why that was a fairly major theme in the TV series "The Prisoner"), and intolerance is high even for fairly mundane differences (like wanting to live in a caravan).
There are, however, pockets of resistance to the mundane and the purposeless, futile NTs out there. As I've mentioned many times on this forum, you have relatively modern historical figures like R. D. Laing and Robert Owen, whose contributions to sanity were amazing. You have modern figures all over the place who rebel with all the eccentricity and inspiration you would expect from the land the early traders called "Merlin's Precinct". Not to mention ancient historical figures (Brenden the Navigator, Alfred the Great, Edward the Confessor, Boudecca) and mythical figures (Cuchulain, Parcival, Math ap Mathonwy, the Wizard of Alderley) who were all a good 52 cards short of a full deck but superbly brilliant.
(As for Sealed Knot, they're closer to 72 tarot cards short of a full deck at times. Again, brilliant minds in their expertise, but definitely a few pikes short of a square.)
If you're in conservative lands, then yes. You're not going to get anything done there. I hear there are some who are still shocked that Maggie isn't in power. You've got to break out, get into the areas known for their lunacy, because it's there that thought is free.
The only place I can see an Aspie or Autist doing well south of the Watford Gap is on Speaker's Corner. You can't interrupt an Aspie easily (or an Autist at all) and it's just perfect for the truly obsessed. True, the company is terrible, but an inspired speaker might even get the attention turned to them. Which would be a good thing. |
|
| Back to top |
|
juliekitty
Running dog
Joined: Jun 26, 2006
Posts: 1732
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 9:34 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Treat it like a part-time job that costs you money instead of paying you. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
|
|
